Witch on the Fritz

by Isabel Micheals

  The venom in Annalise’s voice had the hairs standing on the back of Silas’s neck. This woman was either crazy or out for blood. Either way, her anger and desire for vengeance would bring him closer to his goal and guarantee her loyalty. He looked her straight in the face and said, “I’m in. How do you want to play this?”

  Annalise gave Silas a wicked smile. “I thought you would never ask.”

  Chapter 8

  Piper surveyed the disaster area that was their kitchen. It looked like a tornado had rolled through it. Skylar was escorting a distraught Millie out and Cassie was whining about not being able to use her magic to clean up the mess. It served her right. This was her idea after all.

  “Quit whining, Cass. We are not taking any unnecessary chances so close to the competition. If Baba Yaga suspects we are abusing our powers, she will throw our asses into the pokey. Any hopes or dreams of winning The Great Wiccan Cake Off will go up in smoke.”

  Cassie continued to pout as she scraped fondant off the walls. “Why do you always have to be the sensible one? One day you’re going to let your hair down and live a little.”

  Skylar joined them in the kitchen. Her arm was wrapped in an ace bandage and safely secured in a hot pink sling that matched her sneakers. She returned to her spot at the kitchen nook and continued sipping her iced coffee.

  “Why doesn’t she have to help?” Cassie complained. “It was her idea too.”

  Skylar waved with her good arm and smirked at her cousin. “Hello, I have a broken arm over here. Woman impaired.”

  Piper glared at her cousins. Thank the Goddess, there was only one interviewee left today. She needed a nap when this little experiment was over. They would never find someone to replace Skylar. Her hopes were dwindling with every piece of cake she scraped off the floor. When the third trash bag was filled to capacity, she tied it up and handed them to Cassie. If looks could kill, she would have been dead. Her fun-loving cousin had reached her limit today. Welcome to the club.

  “Don’t look at me like that Cassandra. Skylar is incapacitated, so that leaves you and me to clean this up. Next time, think before you decide to blow up your opponent’s cake.”

  Cassie stopped cleaning, placed her hands on her hips and defiantly stared her cousin down. “It’s not my fault things got out of hand. Millie was rude, crude and unprofessional. Someone needed to take her down a peg and I was just the witch to do it. She’ll think twice about flaunting her baking skills in front of people. We all know I had to beat that buffy down to save face.”

  Skylar burst out laughing. “She has a point Piper.”

  Piper let out a heavy sigh in defeat. In her heart of hearts, she knew her cousins were right about Millicent. “Maybe, but we have bigger problems than Millie and cleaning up this mess.”

  The silence in the kitchen was deafening. Piper knew she had ruined the mood, but between the competition and Liam’s kiss, her mind was in overdrive. She needed to tell her cousins the truth and seek their advice. She sure as hell didn’t know what to do. Her instincts were screaming at her to run, but that would make her no better than her mother. She was a fighter.

  “We’re going to win Piper with or without Lizzy. I know you think the rabbit’s foot is the source of your magic, but it’s not. Your power comes from deep within. It’s your kindness and loyalty that draws people to you. I know you don’t see it, but everyone else does. We’ve had a little bump in the road, but we’ll fix it. We always do. You just need to have a little faith,” Skylar said in a soothing voice.

  Piper’s eyes welled with tears. Her cousins were not only family, but also her best friends. She needed to tell them what was really bothering her. “Liam kissed me and now he thinks he’s in love with me,” she blurted out before flopping down in the chair closest to Skylar.

  Cassie squealed with joy and started shimmying around the kitchen. “Oh, my Goddess. I knew it. You owe me twenty dollars Sky. Pay up sucker.”

  Skylar groaned and summoned a twenty-dollar bill from her purse upstairs. “Couldn’t you have waited one more week. I was positive your first kiss would happen right before the competition. You know, for good luck.”

  Piper’s head snapped up like she had been slapped. “You bet on us?”

  Cassie shuffled from foot to foot avoiding eye contact. “If it’s any consolation, it was a small bet.”

  Skylar rolled her eyes at her cousin’s antics. “Oh, for fuck’s sake. Quit torturing her and tell us what happened. Did you enjoy it? Is Liam a good kisser? Do you want to do it again? Are you finally going to give him a chance?”

  Piper closed her eyes and replayed the moment in her mind. “We were sitting in front of Sky’s house when out of the blue, he told me he loved me. Who does that? There was no warning. Nothing. I was completely caught off guard.”

  Cassie’s curiosity was piqued. “What did you do?”

  Piper palmed her face with her hands and groaned. She knew her cousins wouldn’t like her answer. “I deflected his feelings by blaming Lizzy. Then, I ran.”

  “You what?” Skylar yelled.

  “Don’t yell at me,” Piper pleaded. “I was vulnerable and confused after losing Lizzy. In my mind, she had to be the source of Liam’s feelings. His timing was horrible. No sane man would tell a woman he loves her when they’ve never been on a date. You have to admit that his feelings are suspect.”

  Skylar gave her cousin a pitying look. She entwined her good hand with Piper’s to soften the blow of what she was about to say. “Honey, Liam’s feelings for you are not out of the blue and they have nothing to do with Lizzy. The man has loved you for years. You’ve been in denial and now he’s calling you on your bullshit. It’s time to put up or shut up. He won’t wait forever. Are you willing to risk losing him?”

  Tears welled in Piper’s eyes. “What if it doesn’t work out and I lose my best friend? What if I’m destined to be alone? I don’t know if I can do this. I’m the girl next door, he wasn’t supposed to fall in love with me.” Piper turned to Sky and murmured, “What if I’m like her?”

  “You are nothing like your mother, Piper Marie Patterson. Not even close. Amelia is a selfish woman who doesn’t care about anyone. Quit comparing yourself to her or I will smite your bony ass with my bad arm,” Skylar threatened.

  Cassie nodded in agreement and gave her cousin a reassuring smile. “It’s exactly why he fell in love with you, Pipes. Give him a chance to show you how good things could be. I’ve heard best friends can make amazing lovers. You enjoyed the kiss, right?”

  “Yes, all three times,” Piper sniffled.

  Skylar held up her good hand. “Wait! Rewind. You never mentioned he kissed you three times yesterday. Start from the beginning and don’t leave anything out.”

  Piper squirmed in her seat, but was relieved when the doorbell rang. “Oops. That must be our next contestant. I will get the door. Cassie, finish cleaning up in here.”

  “This conversation is not over Piper. You will finish telling us what happened between you and Liam yesterday,” Skylar warned.

  “Ooh! The gimp has spoken,” Cassie teased. Then, she waved her hand and finished cleaning the kitchen.

  Piper shook her head in dismay. “If we get thrown in the pokey, you’re becoming Big Bertha’s bitch.”

  Cassie shrugged and smiled at her cousins. “The sacrifice will be worth it.”

  Piper sighed in exasperation as Skylar laughed. “Don’t encourage her.” When the doorbell rang again, she rushed out of the room to answer it.

  Piper opened the door and did a double take. Three strange cats were on her porch licking their nads. The deadly looking white cat with gray splotches moaned as he slurped with pleasure. The randy calico cat with a double chin smiled and winked at her, as the gray cat with a white tummy glared at them. When he smacked his two partners upside the head, she assumed he was the leader.

  “Have’s some manners you idiots. We’s in the presence of a beautiful lady,” the gray cat demanded.

&
nbsp; Piper stared back and forth in disbelief. This day kept getting stranger and stranger if these were the contestants. “Um. Can I help you?” She realized her mistake, the minute the words left her mouth.

  Her comment caught the attention of the deadly white cat with gray splotches. He gave her a skeptical, yet hopeful look. “Yous would rub our nads voluntarily? Wow, that’s a first.”

  The gray cat with the white tummy smacked his friend again. “Quit acting like a moron, Boba Fett.”

  The randy calico with a double chin stopped licking his nads long enough to laugh and make a snide comment. “Who says he’s acting?”

  The gray cat groaned in frustration. Piper knew exactly how he felt. She had been dealing with her cousins’ antics all morning. Would this nightmare ever end? She really needed to find Lizzy or start drinking. Maybe both. It was never too late for a girl to learn new tricks, and with the competition looming, she needed all the tricks she could find.

  “Please ignore these idiots. As yous can sees, theys not house trained yet. My name is Fat Bastard and the randy calico over there moaning like a bitch in heat is Jango Fett. The white wise ass with the gray splotches wearing a fedora is Boba Fett. We’s…”

  “Here for the competition. I know,” Piper interjected. She needed to get them off her porch before one of the neighbors saw them. “We’ve been expecting you. My cousins are in the kitchen. Please, come in and join us.”

  “Hots damn. Is the other two as sexy as yous red?” Boba Fett asked excitedly. “Because if they’s is, I could get it up for a second round. Knows what I mean?”

  Piper gasped in horror. Where the hell did these guys come from and what were her cousins thinking? Their manners were atrocious and there was no way in hell either of them could bake. This had to be a joke, right? If she partnered with these guys, she would be the laughingstock of Mystic Grove. She had a reputation as a serious, accomplished baker. These guys would be the butt of everyone’s jokes. She would let them interview, but make sure when the competition was over, they weren’t the last men standing.

  Fat Bastard slapped Boba Fett again. “Yous insulted Miss Piper. Quit being crude. We’s needs this job.”

  Boba Fett dropped his head and pouted. “I’s sorry, Miss Piper.”

  “Um. Thank you? Maybe we should go into the kitchen and get started,” Piper hesitantly suggested. “The clock is ticking.”

  Jango Fett’s ears perked up at her last comment. “Is yous biological clock ticking Miss Piper? If yous don’t got a man, I’s bees willing to help.”

  Piper watched in horror as Jango Fett swiveled his hips and did a humping motion. If these men were her only choices, she really needed to give Liam a chance. When they reached the kitchen, Cassie and Skylar were sitting at the kitchen nook drinking an iced coffee. Things are about to get interesting. Hope you boys brought your A-game.

  “Ladies, I would like you to meet Fat Bastard, Boba Fett and Jango Fett.”

  Boba Fett sighed with pleasure. “Yous ladies is pretty.”

  “Thank you,” Cassie said as she stood and extended her hand. “I’m Cassie and this is my cousin Skylar. You’ve obviously met Piper. Which one of you is the chef?”

  Fat Bastard and Boba Fett took a step backwards, which left Jango Fett standing front and center. Cassie didn’t miss a beat. She escorted Jango Fett to his baking station and gave him a brief tour of where everything was located. When Fat Bastard and Boba Fett joined their friend, Piper joined Skylar at the kitchen nook.

  Sky leaned over and whispered in her ear. “I have a good feeling about these guys.”

  “I’m glad someone does,” Piper murmured.

  When everyone seemed settled and ready to start baking, Piper took over as the host and explained that there were no rules. The last person standing with an edible cake that would impress a judge on The Great Wiccan Cake Off would be her partner in the competition.

  Fat Bastard pulled everyone in for a pep talk. “Look yous guys. We’s can’t screw this up or Hunter will have our heads. We’s owe him a lot of money, but he’s willing to let us work off our debt by protecting the women. This is a wins-wins for everyone. We’s will bees debts free and Zelda will never knows how much we’ves been gambling.”

  Jango Fett glared at his brother. “Is that yous idea of a pep talk? We’s wouldn’t bees in this mess if yous had listened to us. Now, gets outs the way sooos I can bake. Big Daddy has work to do.”

  Chapter 9

  Piper stood, cleared her throat and channeled Gigi from the baking show. “Welcome to The Great Wiccan Cake Off. This is a show where inventive bakers let their imagination run riot as they go head-to-head to make cakes that are both crazy and delicious. There are no limits to what you can create in this culinary utopia.”

  “Whoa! That’s sooos cool! But I never realized utopia resided in someone’s kitchen. Who’s knew?” Boba Fett whispered to Fat Bastard.

  Piper ignored the unwanted commentary and continued her introduction. “You must impress the formidable baking Queens—Skylar and myself.”

  “Is that like Dancing Queen?” Fat Bastard asked. “I love that song.” When Piper glared at him, he mimed zipping his lips.

  “Today, we challenge Cassandra and Chef Jango Fett to go bonkers creating the perfect cake themed around Greek mythology. The most imaginative baker will win the competition and a chance at twenty-five thousand dollars.”

  From the corner of her eye, Piper saw Fat Bastard frantically waving his hand trying to get her attention. She acknowledged him against her better judgment.

  “Um. Did yous say twenty-five thousand dollars?”

  “Yes, Fat Bastard.”

  “Uh. Would its bees possible for us to get a down payment up front for incidentals?”

  Piper glared at Fat Bastard. Was this guy for real? She didn’t have time for his mundane questions. “No,” she said through gritted teeth and finished her introduction. “All right, welcome bakers. Let me introduce my fellow judge. Like the mythical Midas, everything Chef Skylar touches turns to gold. Please give her a round of applause.”

  Skylar stood and took a bow. “Thanks, Piper! I’m really hoping we will see some golden moments today.”

  “Hey, what about us? Why can’t we’s bees judges too?” Boba Fett asked.

  Undeterred by the interruption, Piper stared at the two cats incredulously. Did they miss the part where they were auditioning for the gig? Instead of pointing out the obvious, she decided to prove they were unqualified to judge the competition. “What makes you an aficionado on Greek Mythology, Boba Fett?”

  The white cat with gray splotches pondered the question. Then, he gave Piper a radiant smile. It was like a light bulb had lit up his brain. “Because we’re wearing togas. No other explanation needed.”

  Sure enough, both cats were now dressed in togas. Piper closed her eyes, ignored Skylar’s laughing and tried not to scream. “Fair enough. You can be judges,” she replied in a disgruntled voice.

  Boba Fett and Fat Bastard hooped and hollered as they high fived one another and mooned the rest of the room. “Score,” they both said in unison.

  “For fuck’s sake. I’m never going to be able to unsee your hairy asses. Someone really needs to consider manscaping. A woman doesn’t want to touch all of that, let alone lick it,” Piper yelled as she covered her eyes. “Now, settle down boys so we can forge ahead in this challenge that we’re calling Baker’s Choice. Today, we chose to honor the gods with something we know they’ll love, themselves. That’s why you’ll be makin’ these… Greek god statue cupcakes!”

  Everyone turned to look at the three cupcakes that appeared out of thin air and was now sitting on the island for everyone to admire. The first cupcake was of Zeus, the king of the gods. The second one was of Aphrodite, the goddess of love and beauty. And the final cupcake was of Hades, god of the underworld.

  When their shock wore off, Piper told them more about the cupcakes. “Each Greek god consists of three olive-oil-infused
cupcakes, which are stacked, covered in buttercream frosting, and wrapped in fondant, with modeling chocolate details. Which god will you choose? You’re up first, Cassandra.”

  “Aphrodite, the goddess of love and beauty. Was there ever any doubt? It’s obvious she’s the superior god. Girl power for the win!”

  “What about you Chef Jango Fett?” Piper asked.

  “Hades because me and the boyz love raising a little Hell. And we met Lucifer last summer. The dude’s a riot and freaky as hell. Pun intended.”

  “All right. Let the games begin,” Piper said. “Bakers, you have forty-five minutes. The clock starts now.”

  Piper took her seat next to Skylar and watched as Cassie and Jango Fett raced around the room. Cassie was frantically chanting to the Goddess while Chef Jango was taking things in stride. She had to applaud his confidence. He was smooth as he cracked eight eggs into the mixing bowl.

  “Sky, how would you go about making these Greek god statute cupcakes?” Piper asked loud enough so everyone could hear. A little distraction never hurt anyone. The Great Wiccan Cake Off was filmed before a live audience.

  Skylar smiled and decided to play along, as she took another sip of her iced coffee. “I’m glad you asked Piper. The first thing they have to do is divide and conquer. That means being quick, concise and organized whipping up the batter. This recipe is a little different because instead of using butter, they will be using olive oil. Once the cupcakes are in the oven baking, hopefully, they will tackle the buttercream frosting and not each other.”

  Piper smiled and winked at her cousin. “Well, anything goes during The Great Wiccan Cake Off, so all bets are off.”

  “You are correct Piper,” Skylar said as she continued to watch the competition. “It won’t be the first time an oven has exploded, or cake has been splattered across the room. Once the cupcakes are baked and have cooled, they can stack them on top of each other and frost with buttercream. The fondant and modeling chocolate will be the tricky part.”