Trial by Desire

by Courtney Milan

  Her tongue darted out to touch her lips. “Then you’d have the use of me.” Her voice was low and husky.

  He could have her flat on her back in the bed, her ankles wrapped around his thighs, in two seconds. He would hold her down and pour himself into her, would let go of all the rigid strictures that held him in place. His blood thumped insistently in his ears—not loudly, but a quiet beat, as unstoppable as the sea creeping up the strand. As impossible to ignore.

  Ned had become an expert on turning back tides as they came in. “I won’t do that.”

  Her eyes glittered, and he reached out one hand and touched her cheek. She shut her eyes under his touch. He wanted to take her, hard and dark and desperately, her body fitting around his. Instead, he forced himself to skim his hand over her face, a gentle brush. His thumb found her lips and he traced the path of a kiss against that pink softness.

  She didn’t open her mouth, but he could smell her—lavender water overlaying the faint scent of rose soap. He traced that almost-kiss into her skin.

  Before he could think better of it, he leaned down and touched his lips to hers. She was soft, and for all the murky complications of his own lust, the kiss he gave her was as simple and unshadowed as a summer noon. She tasted of warm sunshine and soft breezes. By contrast, he felt dark and wanting. He pulled away, the touch of her incandescent against his own mouth, before his wants could overwhelm him. He’d given her more the promise of a kiss than the actual delivery of one. He straightened while she was just beginning to reach up on her toes.

  And then, before his own baser urges could be enlarged on, before he could put his hands on her waist and push her against the wall as he desired, he turned and left.

  CHAPTER SEVEN

  A FLUTTER OF COLD AIR. Kate’s nightgown swirled around her—she opened her eyes after that delicate dream of a kiss, to see her husband retreating. His leaving, now, was even worse than it had been before. He’d touched her, and she’d felt as if her heart had cracked right open. Her hands had spread; her fingers still tingled; her lips still yearned for his.

  She’d been raised to be sensible about marriage. Marriage was an alliance, and Ned had been quite eligible—heir to a marquess, wealthy, handsome and without any truly horrendous shortcomings.

  That kiss hung between them, like a thought half spoken. Her whole marriage hung before her like a sentence waiting to be finished.

  He’d been calmly, politely, completely in control. She was the one who burned, who seethed. She was the one who’d made a fool of herself over a man—and apparently she’d not stopped fooling herself. This time she’d only needed the cheapest of excuses to hop into his bed—and he’d dismissed that excuse, threadbare as it was, and had sent her running with a mere pat on her head. He’d kissed her as if she were a child.

  It was as if nothing had changed.

  But it had.

  Last time he’d been in England, when she was a new, naive bride, he’d commanded only her body—her scorching response, her searing desire. But now he wanted more than her body’s compliance. What had he said? He wanted her to come to him as if they were engaged in a love affair. He wanted not only willingness, but trust. He wanted every ounce of lonely strength she’d built for herself during his long absence. He didn’t just want her naked; he wanted her vulnerable and weak. Easy to hurt. He wanted her, and damn it, she’d worked too hard for herself to give it over to him for the asking.

  No. He might wish for her compliance with all his carefully controlled might, but he wasn’t going to get it. Quite the contrary.

  She’d seen one spark in his eyes, one hint that her failed seduction had been something to him other than an eye-rolling display. He’d leaned toward her. He’d kissed her. And when she’d reached for him, he’d grabbed her hand before she could touch him.

  His armor had flaws.

  Kate could hear the floor creak in his room. What was he doing in there? Taking off the rest of that clothing? She gave the door between them a baleful, jealous glare.

  He wanted to win her without giving himself up in return. He wanted to conquer her, not win her regard in exchange for his own. He wanted to hold back.

  But this time Kate wouldn’t be the one left behind with her burning desires. She was going to crack his control. This time he would burn. He would want. He would desire her beyond all reason. And once she had him, desperate and pitiful, begging on his knees…

  Kate sighed, her practical side taking over. If she ever brought her husband to his knees, she would likely feel as confused as she was now. She wouldn’t know what to do with him.

  Rage had a place and a purpose, but even anger left her vulnerable. What had her furious imaginings been but hope in another form? Already she’d reverted to girlish dreams, involving declarations of love, delivered on one knee. But she didn’t need revenge. She had no use for petty scorn. She just didn’t want to be hurt.

  She shut her eyes and breathed deeply. No hope. No longing. No desire. If she could just excise her wants, he could never cause her pain again.

  KATE REMOVED THE EGGS, one by one, from her pockets and set them on the rickety table in front of her. Motes of dust tangled in the pale morning sunshine, filtering through the thick glass windows of the little shepherd’s shack.

  “I cannot say when I’ll be back,” she said, pulling the last egg from her cloak pocket. “I had thought I might come out here with greater regularity, but there have been complications.”

  Louisa sat in her chair, her arms folded about her swaddled infant. She looked as ladylike as ever, even though the serviceable green wool she wore was no match for the delicate silks and sprigged muslins that had made up her wardrobe in London. Her face grew long at these words, and she pulled her child closer to her chest.

  “Complications,” she said quietly. “I detest complications.”

  Kate began heaping provisions from her basket onto the table. Her shoulders ached, having carted the load five miles here. “There’s a cured ham and some carrots and a bunch of greens. You know there are already potatoes and turnips in the shelter. But I’ve brought some scallions from the garden, such as they are. I might not return for a week. The fare will likely be monotonous.”

  She trailed off, feeling useless. Louisa shook her head.

  “What sort of complications could keep you away for a week?”

  Kate glanced away and pulled another cloth napkin from the basket.

  The cottage where Louisa was hidden lay five miles to the west of Berkswift. It had once been little better than a shepherd’s shelter, four walls and a makeshift fireplace. But over the decades, it had grown into a tiny three-room affair—an open room for cooking and eating, furnished with a rough-hewn table and trestles, a sleeping room and a storage shed.

  Louisa and the Yorkshire nursemaid Kate had hired fit compactly in the space, packed together like common passengers shoved into a stagecoach.

  Kate reached into the basket one last time. Her hands closed on metal, cold and deadly. “I brought you—”

  “News, Kate. I want news.”

  “This.” Kate set the silver-tooled pistol next to the ham.

  The clink it made as she laid the weapon on wood seemed somehow too soft, to demure, to have been made by a gun. She’d found it that morning in a cabinet. It had been a grim sort of serendipity. Under the circumstances, bringing it had seemeed like a good idea.

  “Do you know how to shoot?” Kate asked.

  Louisa’s face shuttered. “Not really. One—one simply points and squeezes, I suppose?”

  “Harcroft is staying at Berkswift.” Kate spoke quickly, as if saying the words faster would make them less painful. “He caught wind of a rumor about a woman looking like you disembarking from a cart. He flew out here in a rage.”

  “He knows.” Louisa’s face froze. Her hand curled around her sleeping baby in quiet protectiveness. Her eyes pinched to narrowness. But by the slump in her spine, that show of strength was little more than bra
vado.

  “He doesn’t, not yet. But I’d like to keep it that way. He’s furious. And—unfortunately—he is staying in my house.”

  “I see.” Louisa let out a breath and then smiled. It was a brave expression, somewhat belied by the nervous dart of her eyes. “Well, at least worry will keep me from boredom. I never thought I would miss those dreadful meetings that the Ladies’ Beneficial Tea Society insisted on holding, but right now I would give anything for a heated argument about the merits of embroidering handkerchiefs versus the knitting of socks and scarves.” She smiled lazily. “Right now I have nothing to do but watch over Jeremy. And he sleeps a shocking amount of the time.”

  Over the course of Kate’s less-than-ladylike secret career, spent stealing women away from husbands who didn’t deserve them, she’d seen many different responses. One woman had escaped her husband—but after two days she’d begged to return, insisting that the man could not survive without her, that he loved her. That he wouldn’t hit her again. Another had cowered for three weeks in this cottage, unable to lift her head. Yet another had grabbed hold of the chance and scampered for freedom as soon as it was offered. Louisa had landed somewhere in between those extremes.

  She had argued her duty as wife for months, when Kate had first found out what was happening to her. Then Louisa had given birth to her first child, and whatever she felt her dry duty as wife had been, her duty as mother had overwhelmed her with a ferocious passion. There were not many women in Louisa’s situation who would joke about boredom, with their husbands off raging in the distance.

  “He’ll stay a few days,” Kate predicted. “He’ll uncover no trail, no clues—just that rumor of an auburn-haired lady who paid a merchant for a ride in his cart, and then disappeared. In a week, he’ll have moved on.” Louisa nodded.

  “But while he’s here, he mustn’t suspect me. Not even a little bit. He thinks I’m a frivolous, foolish sort of female, forever shopping and planning parties. I want him to continue to think so. For the next few days I shall devote myself to my guests’ entertainment. I’ll plan meals. I’ll protest when Blakely refuses to participate in my musical evenings.”

  “Blakely’s keeping him company? Harcroft must be calling in all his old favors. I gather he trotted Blakely out to frighten you into divulging my secret plans. That is a complication.”

  “It’s even more complicated,” Kate confessed. “You see, my husband is back.”

  “Carhart? When did he return?”

  “Yesterday. Can you believe it? Of course his vessel could not have been blown off course by two weeks. And now he’s here, and instead of having Harcroft ignore me, Ned will be following me around, bothering me. Last night—”

  She shut her mouth ruthlessly. It didn’t seem right to disclose what her husband had told her. His promise had seemed so real in the moonlight, as sacred as a wedding vow. It seemed almost a violation to share it.

  Be practical, she reminded herself.

  But before she could answer, Louisa took her hand. “I know it’s been a great while since…your last time. Did he hurt you?”

  If there was one thing worse than spilling marital secrets, it was Louisa offering Kate comfort because Kate’s husband—the man who fed peppermints to ill-tempered horses—might have hurt her.

  “There, there,” Louisa soothed. “I promise, if he shows his nose around here, I’ll shoot him for you.”

  Kate choked back a laugh. “That won’t be necessary. He was never that bad. In fact, he is…” Different. Dangerous. “Gentle,” she finished awkwardly. “He always has been. You’ve met him. Do you suppose you might…well. Tell him?”

  Kate felt a sudden sense of vulnerability at the thought. She had no idea how he would respond, if he knew. Her own father had flared up at the slightest intimation that Kate intended to take on an interesting project—as if it somehow reflected poorly on his capabilities as a father if she did. His had been a prickly, cloying sort of love—the kind that did everything difficult for her, so that she might sit in peace.

  And boredom.

  She loved her father, but hiding her work had been a necessity.

  “No.” Louisa stood and turned away abruptly, patting the swaddling firmly. “He’s friends with Harcroft, for goodness’ sake.”

  “We’ll need someone to help obtain a divorce. You might have options, besides fleeing to America. And it would be better than this.” Kate spread her hands to encompass the tiny room and all it implied—a life spent hiding from a man who had the legal right to compel her presence; her son, growing up without the natural advantages that were his birthright. “It’s a radical process, but surely you could obtain a petition on grounds of extreme cruelty.”

  Louisa’s hands fluttered uncertainly. “Would he help? Do you know? How much influence do you have over him?”

  Not even enough to get him in bed.

  If she’d had any influence over her husband, he would never have left. And he’d come back more frightening, more mysterious than ever.

  Louisa slumped into her chair again, and Jeremy, in her arms, gave a small, sleepy hiccough. “Even that’s no solution. Even assuming your husband was willing to defy mine, it would end with Harcroft having Jeremy. I won’t abandon him.” A fierce note entered her voice. “Not to him. Not to that. I would rather die.”

  An extreme pronouncement, although by the fierce light shining in Louisa’s eyes, the sentiment was heartfelt. A thread of uneasiness curled around Kate’s spine. She’d given Louisa a gun.

  But it was rather too late to rip the pistol from her hands, and it would have made no difference in any event.

  “The weapon.” Kate licked her lips. “It is to be used only as a threat, understand?”

  “Oh,” said Louisa bitterly. “I understand. This is as much my fault as anyone’s. I let this happen to me. I didn’t say anything for years. No complaints. No protests. I accepted it. I dare say I deserved it.”

  “Nobody deserves to be hit in the stomach with a fire poker.”

  “But I didn’t stop it.” Louisa’s gaze abstracted. “Until he threatened Jeremy, I didn’t stop it.”

  Kate had discovered the truth of her friend’s mysterious illnesses a year before. In that time, she’d urged her to leave, to do something. It had taken Louisa thirteen months to act. It was impossible not to feel sorry for her, after what she had survived. She understood that her friend had been damaged in more ways than by just her husband’s physical betrayal. Still, it was impossible not to feel a hint of frustration.

  “Don’t speak that way,” Kate said. “You did stop it, eventually. You’re here. You’re safe. Nobody will ever find you.”

  Kate looked out the window. Before them, dying grass covered the hill, stretching down into the autumn-brown of the valley below. A spiral of smoke rose from a village miles distant. Kate counted to ten, pulling her own confused emotions in line, until that plume of smoke had disappeared and reformed again, before she answered.

  “I think you underestimate your own strength.”

  “And you always assumed too much of me,” Louisa said simply. “I’m not strong, not the way you are.”

  Kate kept her gaze on the waving field of grass. Through the uneven glass, she could not make out individual blades. Instead, they passed back and forth, rippling like a sea. If Louisa could see into Kate’s heart right now, Louisa would not call her strong. She feared Harcroft. The terror of discovery filled her almost to panic. Her own husband might betray her at any moment, and still she wished he had taken her last night.

  She wasn’t strong.

  No; Kate was afraid. But she had become an expert at hiding her emotion behind a veneer of practicality. And now her husband was threatening even that.

  She waited for practicality to win out before speaking. “There’s nothing to fear.” She raised her chin and caught a glimpse of motion cresting the hill. Her blood ran cold; practicality disappeared in a flap of brown fabric. In the space of time it took Kate to g
ulp breath into her seizing lungs, she saw men on horseback. She knew these horses. It was Harcroft and her husband. While they’d broken their fast this morning, they had talked of visiting a few nearby hamlets, of making a few inquiries. Kate just hadn’t expected them to take this tiny path to the west.

  “Get down,” she hissed.

  Louisa dropped to a crouch—quickly enough that Jeremy opened his eyes, blinking in confusion. They huddled on the floor.

  So long as they were very still…

  Jeremy began to cry. He didn’t start with little sobs, either; instead, he screwed up his nose and screamed. Kate hadn’t realized that a bundle of cloth scarcely larger than a large cabbage could generate so much noise. She stared at Louisa in appalled horror. There was nothing to do about it. Louisa patted him ineffectually on the back, and cast a worried glance at Kate.

  There was still no reason the men would come up to this cabin. The track they were on passed a quarter mile from here, leading over the ridge to a village eight miles away. Even if they came near, unless they passed close enough to peer in the window, they would see nothing but a shepherd’s cottage, abandoned in the autumn. And loud as Jeremy was, they would still have to come very close to hear his wails.

  Wouldn’t they?

  Kate’s hands were cold. She wasn’t sure if she trembled, or if it was Louisa; their shoulders were pressed together so that their shivers merged into one. Kate could not let herself be overtaken by fear. If the men came close—if they came by—she would need to act quickly, to forestall their inevitable questions. The pistol, after all, would be of no use.

  Jeremy’s wails paused, as he gulped breath. For a brief instant she could hear the wind in the weeds, the entirely inappropriate happy trill of a blackbird outside. He started again, but his startled screams were dying down, trickling into a few minute sobs. Still, she imagined she could feel the vibration of horses’ hooves drawing closer and closer, across the field. She waited, her fingers clenching.