'Yes,' the Old Man shook his white head. 'I shouldn't be telling you this, but Wade told me last night, while I believe you were cooking dinner. Said he wouldn't let the boy go, not ever.'
Vicki hesitated, struck by shock, scarcely able to ascertain what this could mean. 'Wade must have been saying this to reassure you?'
'No, I asked him.'
'But...'
'You see, my dear,' he said quietly, 'I've known, all along that Wade was only willing to keep the boy while I was still alive. So you see there was no reason why he should pretend.'
'He still could be!'
'No, child, I know Wade.'
She drew a deep aching breath. 'Did he mention me?'
Again the Old Man shook his head. 'I'm sorry, Victoria, he did not. That's why I want you to take the boy and go. It will just about break my heart, but it won't kill me, so don't look so worried. I'll arrange, everything.'
Her heart was full of such compassion for the Old Alan that she could not speak, but she knew it was not just for his sake she said 'no '.
'No?' He had to lean forward to hear her anguished whisper. 'Why not?'
'I can't.' Vicki's face was white, but her voice was stronger, although every bit of light had gone from her eyes. 'You see, I love Wade, Mr. McLeod. If he really loves Graham and wants him I couldn't take his son from him. when the time comes I'll simply disappear again. Somehow I'll find the strength.'
'You'll never do it, child.'
'That's what you don't understand.' Vicki stared at him desperately. 'I'm not a child any more, Mr. McLeod. You think I'm being childish, too dramatic. I know I maybe sound this way, but I love Wade so much I'll be able to make any sacrifice.'
'You're sure?'
She turned her face, tear-streaked but resolute, towards him. 'Both Wade and Graham belong here, Mr. McLeod. I might have done, but Wade never really wanted me. But it's because I care so much that I'll find the strength to do this. Besides, how could I deprive Graham of his rightful in- ' heritance? What could I ever offer to compare with Baccaroo? Already he loves it. Perhaps, in the years ahead, Wade might let me see him.'
'Vicki!' Wade was standing in the doorway.
Vicki had always read that, on occasions like this, one usually spun round on a whirl of fright, but she was so shocked she couldn't move. Her back was to' the door. How long had he been there? Surely he had just arrived? He couldn't have heard anything.
Numbly she stared at the Old Man, her eyes wide, her tears unheeded. The Old Man himself, after one sharp glance-at both of them, slumped back on his pillows and closed his eyes. 'I've already told you, Wade,' he mumbled, 'how fond I've grown of your wife, but as I need a rest, you can take her away, with my blessing.'
If Vicki had taken that in she might have thought it a strange thing for the Old Man to come out with. As it was she found herself in Wade's bedroom without quite realising how she got there. It must be her day for bedrooms, she decided hysterically, as she shook off Wade's propelling hands. The knowledge of his return began to sink in like a douche of cold reality, but there could be nothing for it but to brazen her way out.
'Don't you want something to eat, Wade?' Her voice shook, but she managed to control it. 'Your grandfather's been tired all day and we've been worried, especially when we couldn't get in touch with you.'
'Stop worrying.' His eyes glinted, with only so much tolerance. 'He does take to his bed for the odd day. He hasn't done recently, not since you came, so you wouldn't know about it.'
She looked around helplessly. I don't know why you brought me here. Your buyers?'
'They've gone. That is, one has. I cancelled the other. Misilgoe told me that Graham, and the two women have gone visiting, so the house is empty and it's going to be quite a while before I want anything to eat—if at all. It rather depends on you.'
'Wade?' Vicki could bear it no longer. Her eyes sought an answer to the question she dared not put into words. Had he overheard what she had said to his grandfather?
He stared back at her darkly, then pushed her gently on to the edge of the bed, coming down beside her himself but not touching her. He kept his eyes on her suddenly averted profile, as she clasped her hands tightly together and bent her head, her apprehensive gaze fixed on them;
When he spoke this time it was harshly. I returned early, Vicki, because I couldn't keep away from you, much as I tried. I knew we had to talk and tonight was suddenly too long to wait. I had to ask you to stay with me and the waiting was doing things to me I didn't like.'
He paused, but she was too stunned and bewildered to find even the strength to lift her bowed head. She felt slightly sick, hitting the depth of humiliation as she realised Wade must have heard her declaring her undying love for him! Couldn't she have been spared that?
He must have sensed her despair, but that didn't stop him. She almost cried out when he asked grimly, 'Was it true what I heard you telling the Old Man, that you love me?'
What could she do, after unbearable seconds had passed, but nod slowly? Though her pride was in shreds she couldn't lie! Not that it really mattered any more. Now Wade was probably about to pour contempt on her head for being willing to part with Graham, but not even this seemed to stop her from whispering, 'Yes, I do love you.'
Whatever she expected it wasn't to be seized in his arms in a grip which almost hurt. Regardless of her startled cry, she was caught and crushed to him, held against him as if he never intended letting her go.
Thickly he said, 'How long have you known?'
Tears half choked her voice, but she managed to say agonizingly, T think soon after I married you. When I first came back again to Baccaroo, I thought I'd changed.'
'Yes?' he prompted, the muscles of his hard jaw noticeably tense as she hesitated.
Why, Vicky wondered bitterly, was he making her confess all this? Surely he wasn't adding torture to the long list of weapons he could use against her. He held her, and against hers his body was tense, but this didn't mean he cared for her. With an acid taste in her mouth, she exclaimed. 'I discovered I still loved you, but it was different.'
'How—different?'
Did he have to wring it so ruthlessly from her! Burying her hot face against him, every inch of her protesting, she muttered desperately, 'I think I'd grown up, while I was away. My feelings for you aren't childishly uncertain any more. They're purely adult, and they hurt.'
Suddenly he was kissing her, his mouth coming down on hers with a fierceness of possession which took her breath away. He was hurting her, but she clung to him, knowing it was a fatal reaction but no longer able to take heed of her pride. Let him read what he liked in her headlong response. It wasn't possible now that he didn't realise the depth of her feelings, but she was past all sensible caring. These few moments in his arms, the savage violence of his kisses, might be the last she would have to store against the bleakness of a future without him.
When he spoke, so unhappy were her thoughts, she couldn't believe she was hearing properly. 'God, Vicki, never run away again as you did after I first learnt about Graham! I never want to suffer again like that! I'd given up all hope of making you love me, but since the first moment I saw you I knew you were going to mean something in my life. I never visualised loving you so desperately, though. I never knew I was capable of feeling as I do about anyone, never mind a small scrap of a girl scarcely higher than my heart.' The whiteness of his face betraying his feelings even more than the thickness of his voice, he buried his face in her silken cloud of hair.
Completely dazed, Vicki eased back from him a little, trying to take in the dazzling fact that he must love her, yet unable to stop her mind going off at a tangent. The hard pain in his face was more than she could bear. 'Wade,' she faltered, 'I understand—a lot more than you think. Airs Clover did explain ...'
'What made me what I am, you mean?' His mouth hardened grimly, 'I know you knew some of it. The Old Man and I must have seemed a very formidable pair to someone like you?'
&
nbsp; 'Mrs. Clover told me,' Vicki felt forced to take a deep breath, 'about your mother dyings—your father—well, almost everything.'
'But that was no reason to treat you as I did,' he exclaimed savagely, his eyes black. 'When I asked you to marry me I never stopped to consider your actual feelings. When I began to find you more attractive and couldn't resist you, I was convinced I could have you without it making much difference in either of our lives. That morning, when I found you ill in the bathroom and realised what was wrong, I reacted furiously, but it was partly from shock. I accused you, my darling, of many things to hide my own guilt.'
Vicki, who had never dreamt of hearing him speak like this, felt her eyes widen. His humility might only be fleeting but, while it lasted, it was like a balm. 'You told me to go.'
'Yes,' his eyes went bleak and his arms tightened around her, 'I suppose I meant it. It wasn't until later in the day that I became aware what a complete fool I'd been. It suddenly dawned on me how much I loved you, how you meant more to me than anyone or anything else. You were my wife, the mother of my unborn son. I couldn't get home fast enough.'
His breath came harshly as he stared at her, 'When I reached Baccaroo and found you gone I nearly went out of my head! If you don't believe it, ask Jeff, any man, woman or child on the station. I'd lost loved ones before, but it was nothing to the pain of losing you, Mrs. Clover told me how she'd found you in a dead faint on the bathroom floor. I went cold then, Vicki. I think I remained that way until the day I found you.'
Uncertainly she said, I left as soon as I could because I didn't think you wanted to see me again. Knowing of the situation between you and your grandfather, I could understand. I thought I was doing the right thing.'
He smiled without humour, as if the memory of her leaving was still too vivid. 'There are things I'd like to know, Vickie. If I'd had any idea you loved me I would have asked as soon as you came around in hospital. As it was, I let McLeod pride get in the way again. That day you left I traced you to Darwin. You'd bought a ticket for the U.K. It made sense that you should go there, back to your native land, but I could never trace you. I went there myself and tried every means possible, but you seemed to have vanished into thin air. Back here I searched every place, every town and city I could think of before being forced to come to the grim conclusion that something had happened to you.'
A shudder, actually running through his strong, muscular body, convinced Vicki that this hard man had suffered. More than she would ever have believed. She stared at him, her face paling, as she heard him recall those days she would rather forget.
'I didn't go back to England, Wade. I bought a ticket but gave it to another girl who went instead. At the last minute I couldn't leave Australia—it was as simple as that. This was my home now, and I loved it, although I did realise, after leaving you, that I probably hadn't a friend. That same day I came south to Melbourne, the whole length of the country, and looked around for a living-in job. I did get a temporary one through a newspaper ad., but the couple were elderly and couldn't keep me until Graham was born. They had to have- someone all the time, you see. However, I'd saved enough to enable me to take a room in the cheaper part of the city, the same room you found me in.'
'How did you manage until Graham was born, in a strange neighbourhood?' Wade's jaw was curiously rigid.
'Not too badly, really,' Vicki, sensing his pain, forced herself to speak lightly, to put from her any recollection of those long, lonely weeks. 'Everyone—everyone I knew, that is, was very kind. Afterwards, as you know, I got a new job with Madame Sorelle and earned enough for two.'.
Wade rose to his feet as if he could sit no longer. 'When the Suttons spotted you at the agricultural show and told the Old Man I was stunned, but not half as much as I was when we actually found you.' He turned, taking hold of her, pulling her into his arms as if he couldn't bear to let her go, even for a minute. Crushing her to him again, he muttered hoarsely, 'My God, Vicki, never in my life have I felt so bad! I've had my moments of deliberate silence, but never before have I been reduced to the state of being unable to speak. Seeing you, after years of not knowing whether you were dead or alive, was like having someone kick me where it hurt most. I wanted to shout and curse, I wanted to cry—yes, a grown man! I felt I was quite capable of doing what I could scarcely recall being weak enough to do, even as a child. I wanted to pick you up and kiss away all the terrible things you must obviously have endured—for which I'd been responsible. My son was there and, like the Old Man, I was moved beyond everything when I looked at him. Yet you were by far die more important. I still loved you, my darling, more than ever, if that was possible, but my hands, because of my own actions, seemed tied. I thought you must hate me and that any show of passion would only make you more frightened than you already were.'
Tears were streaming' down Vicki's cheeks, she wasn't able to stop them. 'I wish I'd known!' she whispered.
'While you were in hospital,' he said soberly, 'I was able to kiss you, when you didn't know me.'
'I felt someone had kissed me when I woke, but you were so harsh, so like a stranger, I thought I must have been dreaming. Wade,' she said softy, as his mouth lowered gently to kiss away her tears, 'why did you allow your grandfather to bring Graham back here? And why did you insist I came too but that we both must leave again after your grandfather died?'
Wade shook his head, staring at her with a little of his old arrogance. 'I'm not sure, my darling, and that's the truth. Maybe, through loving you, I'd learnt compassion. I came to realise that the Old Man was probably more to be pitied than anything else and my long years of disliking him had achieved precisely nothing. He really does have a heart condition, as you know, but I was ready to grasp at any excuse to get you both here, my wife and my son! But a man's very vulnerable when he believes the woman he loves hates him. It seemed the only defence I had, to tell you you were free to go, after the Old Man died. I'm afraid I didn't love you all the time, either. Often I felt torn by hate because of the torture I'd suffered when you left me. I couldn't easily get rid of such black moods. They still haunted me. It must have been that that made me so harsh with you.'
'Then you would have let me go again?'
'No,' his arms tightened, 'you wouldn't have got five yards. You'll have to forgive me, child, but I've taken every precaution since you returned. You couldn't have gone anywhere without my knowledge.'
Vicki shivered at his adamant tone, her eyes bewildered. 'But you gave me such a neglected room!'
For the first time he smiled ruefully. 'Only because I didn't believe you would stay in it. I fully expected you to be creeping in here, begging to share my bed. When you did come in, that first night, I thought I'd succeeded beyond my wildest expectations. That you swiftly disillusioned me, you. little hussy, was bad enough, but the realisation that things were going to take much longer to put them right than I'd hoped was infinitely worse. If I learnt one thing from that too brief encounter it was how much I still loved and wanted you.'
Vicki stirred restlessly as his eyes slowly explored her face before slipping to her figure. She gulped, 'You must have guessed how much I wanted to stay with you that night. If I didn't put it into actual words there must have been times when I've betrayed how much I loved you? Yet when you went off to Sydney you brought another woman back with you, as you said you would!'
He replied, suddenly very severe, 'One question at a time, Vicki. I didn't know you loved me. I knew you . responded to me, I wouldn't be much of a man if I hadn't been able to realise that, but sex without love can become meaningless.'
'You never encouraged my love,' she retorted bravely. 'You were never very kind.'
'I didn't feel that way, but stop interrupting,' he said dryly. 'I forgot about my threat, almost before it was uttered. The business in Sydney took longer than I expected and after it was finished I had to go to Nooanda. It was purely accidental that I bumped into Leoda in Alice as I was coming back. She was on her way here.' 'But she impli
ed ... ?'
He laughed. 'She's always been good at implying a lot of things which don't exist, but your openly condemning expression when we arrived didn't help much, my darling. I could read your chaste little thoughts so clearly and, although I knew I was partly responsible, I felt furious that you were so ready to judge me. That's why I didn't explain what had actually happened. Leoda's people and mine have always been friendly, but I hadn't seen her since you left. This visit will be short, and somehow I don't think we'll be seeing much of her in the future.'
Jealously, Vicki couldn't prevent herself reminding him 'I did once catch you coming from her room.'
'So you did.' His smile was teasing. 'She came knocking on my door that night, asking for aspirins. I supplied them and escorted her back.'
'Was that all she was after?'
His eyes gleamed, 'It was all she got. She and I have never been lovers, but I warn you here and now, Vicki.. McLeod, I refuse to give you a run-down on all the women I've known.'
'There've been a lot?'
Laughing softy, he drew her closer, 'None at all since I married you, and you're the only one I've ever loved. I think it must have happened that first time I kissed you. There you were, standing staring at me, all huge blue eyes. I felt as if I'd committed a crime, but it was one I had a sudden urge to repeat.'
The same blue eyes grew starry. 'You won't be sending me away?'
'Oh, Vicki,' he groaned, pressing urgent kisses on her soft mouth, 'I'll never risk doing that again. My grandfather has been rough, but he's learnt to love you too. It wouldn't matter if he didn't, but it will make life easier for you, the last few weeks we have him.' 'I know,' she said quietly.
'All you have to do now, my darling, is concentrate on me. You'll have no excuse not to when your new housekeeper arrives and you have Miss Webb looking after Graham.'
In spite of the teasing glint in his eye her own clouded. You do care for your son, Wade?'
'Naturally,' he smiled, but his face was serious. 'I don't suppose Miss Webb has mentioned the hours she's spent having smoko with the wives while I've got to know him? I've taught him to ride and plenty of other things, I've reason to believe we're growing mutually fond of each other. My son and I, minx, in case you're again getting the wrong ideas.' Vicki hesitated, 'I like Miss Webb, Wade. She's proved a good friend and fits in somehow, though at first I didn't think so.' She lowered her head, trying to hide a guilty colour, 'What I'm trying to ask is—do you think she is really necessary?'
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