Exhale and Move On

by K. L. Shandwick

  “I fucking love you, dude,” I slurred as I slapped his back then pulled my head back to look at his face. I held his head with both hands and fought the urge to kiss him again when I saw how dark and stormy his eyes looked. My vision was blurry, but I had thought something had passed between us, then I wondered if I was overstepping and he was being polite.

  Lennon’s expression was serious, “Yeah, you’re not so bad yourself,” he answered in return. His tone was flat, and I couldn’t read much into it. The urge to kiss him grew stronger and then I wondered if Len was only letting me hold him that way because of who I was. Was I taking advantage of the position I held with him given how my band had given his early exposure?

  With that thought in mind, I quickly took charge of myself and stepped away, walking into the room. I felt awkward. Clearing my throat, I snickered and rubbed the back of my neck.

  “Alright, guess I better go take this bed by myself.”

  “That’ll be a novelty for you, Rick.”

  “Indeed, makes a change from how I woke up this morning… or yesterday morning,” I replied glancing bleary eyed at my wristwatch again.

  “Well… I’ll leave you to it,” Lennon said hesitantly as he turned and walked slowly down the hall. I stood watching him run his hand through his hair and waited as he stopped at the third door on the right.

  Without looking back, he pushed open his door, stepped inside then closed it behind him. I stood there for a full minute after he’d gone from sight before I closed my own door and leaned heavily against it. “Fuck,” I muttered because I wondered if Len thought I’d taken a liberty and crossed a line.

  For a second I stared at the bed, my mind blank of all thought then I reached for my buckle and slid out of my jeans. Once naked I crawled onto the bed and lay starfish-like under the cool sheets soothing my aching, tired body.

  When I thought about what had happened with Lennon, a dull ache formed in my stomach like the kind one has after a great holiday ends, and my mood sank. My cock was still hard despite the alcohol and I figured it was only because I was drunk and horny. Luckily, I’d had so much alcohol I didn’t dwell on my thoughts for long before I passed out.

  Chapter Three

  Downtime

  Waking in a strange bed was nothing new for me, but when I woke the following afternoon I instantly knew where I was and when I listened hard, I heard nothing. My bleary eyes strained and squinted to focus as a pounding headache reminded me of the excess I had subjected my body to. Not only was I hungover, but also drenched in sweat and I noticed the smell of alcohol hung in the air. It was oozing from my every pore.

  I dragged myself into the shower and after twenty minutes of staring at the marble tiles and chrome fittings in the cubicle, with the water beating me back to life I stepped out. When I caught sight of myself in front of the vanity mirror, I was so shocked I cringed.

  Staring back at me was the haggard face of a tired man. At thirty-eight there was no doubt I had burned the candle at both ends and in the middle for almost twenty years, and it had begun to show. Lines around my eyes and mouth were more defined, and my eyes looked smaller... sunken.

  Immediately my mood fell as despair began to rise from within and I shook my head in my effort to bury the feelings I’d fought against for so long. For years doubts had formed in my mind whenever I had some downtime, but those reservations were always mingled with excitement once I began to make my way home.

  Prowling through the bathroom washstand drawers, I found a shaving kit, some cologne, and a toothbrush so I fixed myself up. I figured I’d knocked ten years off my face by taking the scruff off alone, so I pulled on my clothes, checked myself out that one last time, and made my way downstairs.

  Jed looked up from a magazine he’d been reading at the kitchen counter. I figured Lily must have left it because it was one of those chick story ones. “Getting in touch with your feminine side?” I jibbed. “Where is everyone?”

  “They left about two hours ago. Unlike you, these guys still behave like regular people. They go about their lives in the daytime. Not like you, who thinks they’re related to Dracula.”

  “Did I ever tell you, you were a cheeky bastard?”

  “All the time. Do I look hurt to you?”

  I chuckled and shook my head, “All right. Let’s get the fuck outta here. I got a vacation to get to.”

  On the way to the plane I spoke with Paul twice, tying up loose ends to ensure he didn’t get up in my business. I had a four-day weekend off and I was determined not to be disturbed. After Jed saw me safely to my ride at the other end of my flight even he wasn’t required for a while where I was headed.

  Flying home by private jet takes some of the stress out of traveling and that helped me to grab some shut eye, but from the moment the plane landed, I was mobbed by fans and the press as soon as I hit the arrivals concourse, and I was followed all the way to the car. It appeared the paparazzi always knew where to find me.

  “Rick, is there any truth to the story about the activities of you and four girls during a stay at the Cobolt hotel in Vero Beach?”

  I turned and shot the fucker a piercing look until I saw him buckle under the weight of my stare. “What do you think? You know who you’re talking to, right?”

  He was an ugly, balding guy, with a paunch belly and was a regular stalker who always appeared as if by magic whenever I tried to be inconspicuous. He’d somehow got wind I was arriving in San Diego and even though it was only 5am he and around twenty other reporters and photographers were like flies on shit as soon as they saw me.

  When he realized I was still waiting, he shrugged his shoulders and the dumb fuck gave me a puzzled look. “You need me to spell it out for you? All right, what I do in my private time is up to me. If I want one girl I’ll have her, if I want four… well I’ll let you figure it out. In other words, it's none of your business. You understand? You and me, we’re not the same. What’s sensational to you is a normal everyday event for me. But for the record it was three. Now leave me the fuck alone, I’m tired.”

  I spun on my heels and Jed, my muscle-bound bodyguard, pushed everyone aside making a clear path through the crowd. Bulbs flashed, and a cacophony of rowdy invasive questions followed behind and when we hit the sunlight outside the terminal building, I breathed a sigh of relief when Jed held them back.

  Scanning the pick-up zone I quickly caught sight of my ride: a black polished executive sedan with privacy glass like we usually had. Adrenaline coursed through me, igniting an instant feeling of anticipation. I checked the plates against the text I’d been sent and my heart pounded with excitement.

  The questions continued as the entourage followed me most of the way to the car until Jed stuck his arms out holding them back. I ignored them and thought it would be the quickest way to shake them off.

  As I neared the car, my heart rate hammered harder while my rush of adrenaline pumped my blood faster because I knew what I lived for was waiting inside. Dwayne, Jody’s usual driver, opened the door for me, and I slid into the dark space of the back seat of the hired car and the heavy door was quickly shut behind me.

  “Fuck! Am I glad to see your sorry ass. You look incredible, babe. That was one long ass tour; come here and give me a hug.” I said, my heart instantly filled with love and affection when I slid my arms around that warm, familiar body and embraced it tightly.

  I leaned back to take in Jody’s beautiful face and my hand automatically rose to caress the cheek of the one true love of my life. When I held it in my palm I instantly felt at peace. As soon as our eyes met I was rewarded with the slowest, sexiest smile. Only one other person’s smile had ever affected me in the way this one did, and my heart felt like it had melted in my chest.

  Leaning in, I took a moment to trace my fingertips along the smooth, plump lips of the gorgeous human being who truly rocked my world before I smothered them with my mouth in a hot and hungry kiss. My cock instantly stood to attention for the one person that
could control me, the person I’d returned to time and again; the only person who continually occupied my mind—the one who had repeatedly set my senses on fire.

  A palm slid into mine and our fingers locked. I broke the kiss and stared into the most beautiful deep brown eyes I’d ever seen. “How’ve you been, sweetheart?” I watched the skin around those eyes crease with the smile that played on the beautiful lips that had given me so much pleasure over the years.

  “Good. Everything’s good. Business is running smoothly, kids getting sassier by the day. Hannah has grown into a very beautiful young woman. It scares me where the time has gone.”

  When Jody spoke about Hannah with such affection, I fought off the jealousy that shot through me. Every time kids were mentioned it hurt. I wanted kids. I figured I’d have made a great dad, but I’d never found a woman who stole my heart in the way Jody had. My brother’s daughter, Mya, was the nearest I had to one of my own, and I loved her to death.

  Squeezing my fingers for our never-ending situation I looked to Jody and saw sympathetic eyes glancing back at me. In the beginning we had started out as one night of freedom in a random, drunken romp that went beyond anything Jody had done before. I’d always had a loaded sexual appetite but what we did that night had gone beyond my own personal limits as well.

  In one twelve-hour session, what we’d shared filled us both with carnal lust which drove me to the point of distraction. For the first time in a long while fire flowed through my veins like molten lava reminding me how the right connection could make my body burn. Exhausted, totally spent, and covered in sweat, we’d collapsed in a heap on the floor.

  When I woke the following morning, I felt awkward when Jody told me about family life and the responsibilities that came with it and I was wracked with guilt and remorse for my actions for the first time since I was in kindergarten. The whole experience felt weird, and it somehow shifted the way I thought about sex; then all I wanted was to get the fuck out of there. But at the same time—I knew I wanted more.

  When I was leaving, I suggested we swapped numbers just in case either of us wanted to talk about what had happened between us. Even as I did that I hoped my cell would ring. I’d never had the faintest inkling I’d be into the kind of things we’d gotten up to that night.

  Three days after our late-night tryst, I heard the voice that had been stuck in my head since I’d left that hotel room. From the reactions the morning after, I’d never really expected a call, but with the way my body responded when I heard, “I need to see you again,” I knew I was in trouble.

  Two days later I’d had my pilot fly me from a gig in South Carolina, all the way back to Las Vegas where we’d met. I was in luck because we both came from San Diego, so it was only a plane hop to meet me there.

  Thinking back, we’d come a hell of a long way together since then, although the organization had taken a lot of planning on my part to ensure our relationship stayed a secret. I even went as far as having a place built especially for us to meet up and spend some time together.

  Apart from our privacy, I went to great lengths to protect Jody from being discovered with me. It was imperative to protect a career path that had taken many years of study and hard work to achieve.

  We were delighted when the place was finally finished because it was less than forty minutes from each of our regular homes and was designed in such a way that we could each leave or enter by separate entrances which made it impossible to ever be photographed together. Given we were both high profile people either one of us could have attracted the media at any time.

  Our perfect spot was built high on the edge of a cliff overlooking the Pacific Highway and ocean, and we had an underground tunnel made so that there was an exit onto the beach with the main house only made accessible from a private road. Our rigid rule was that we could arrive together but once there we didn’t leave until it was time to go back to our lives. When we did leave, Jody always left via the beach entrance.

  The house wasn’t huge, but it was secluded and had everything we needed. It was a high walled terrace with a small infinity pool and it was our special space that ensured what we had between us was kept strictly confidential.

  Don’t get me wrong, if I’d had my way our relationship wouldn’t have been a secret at all. As soon as I felt we were serious, I wanted to tell the world. It was Jody’s dilemma that kept us under wraps.

  With so many women to choose from cheating was never something I had been willing to condone, and I never went after a woman that was taken, but in Jody’s case I had to make an exception. I never loved any of the women I’d been with, but I had never been in the position of loving two people equally which was how Jody had felt.

  It was a complicated situation to be in, so despite how I felt, I wasn’t willing to push for it to be me or them because ultimatums like that usually had a way of backfiring. Besides, there were times when I felt depressed and I only loved one person, so what must it have been like for Jody? For a single, late-thirties guy like me it was difficult to comprehend being torn between having a loving family life and wanting someone else.

  There were many times when Jody threw a hissy fit about all the women I took to my bed, but until a firm commitment was made one way or another about us, I had a life to lead. Sometimes I wondered if I’d been particularly promiscuous after being with Jody to test if it made a difference. If that was the case, it never had.

  Thinking back to that first time again, the first move didn’t come from me and at first, I was a little freaked out that I was enjoying what happened. Yeah, me, try-anything-once, Rick Fars, but I was drunk as all get out and horny as hell. So, I stopped thinking and started feeling and I guess I just went ahead and did what I did best and tapped that opportunity to the best of my inebriated ass’s ability.

  Chapter Four

  Complicated

  I used to laugh whenever I heard people say, ‘It’s complicated’ in regard to relationships, then after I knew Jody, it was easy to say that about ours. We were from two very different worlds and hate me all you want but I never once felt shitty that Jody was cheating with me because love is love.

  None of us really choose who we give our hearts to… it finds its own way of making that connection. And regardless of how many women I’d screwed or what sexual situations I’d been a party to, I’d only ever loved one woman in all those years. My heart was closed off after that until eight years ago, and then there was Jody. Like I said, I never stood a chance because my heart took care of my feelings there.

  In the early days when we were new I suppose it was infatuation and thinking back to those times I acted like a brat. When I was full of jealous rage and angry tantrums because it had been so long since someone told me no. I’d gotten used to getting my own way and when it didn't happen it was more frustrating than if I’d been turned down many times before. I’d never had someone constantly say, “No, I want this, but this is all it will ever be,” before. That was usually my line.

  For the first year or so I’d fought those boundaries and continually tried to force the issue; and for a while the pressure I exerted became too much to handle and Jody backed off. I was devastated because I'd realized what I’d always tried to deny—I came a poor second compared to family.

  Cutting all contact was hard, but I tried to move on with my life. However, it became clear in a matter of weeks that we couldn’t stay away from one another. Eventually, I settled for what we had and resigned myself to sharing because Jody would never throw over family for a wayward rock star and despite the hurt I felt about that it was what it was.

  By then I was deeply in love and I’d made the decision that no matter how much I wanted things to change, it wasn’t going to happen until Hannah was a grown woman. Until then I had to compromise if I wanted him in my life.

  Yep, despite the fact I loved pussy, I was in a long-term relationship with a macho, kick ass businessman. Being with him was less painful than not and Jody wasn't budging on
the status of our union because he worried it would affect his kids. Personally, I thought it would fuck them up more to learn about their father’s relationship with a rock star when they were adults, but what did I know? I didn’t have kids of my own.

  Wrapping his arm around me, he hugged me tightly and sneakily kissed my temple, inhaling deeply. “Damn, you smell good. Did you shower on the plane?” He whispered and glanced over his shoulder to see if Dwayne, his driver, had finished putting my luggage in the trunk.

  When he was confident he couldn’t see us, Jody’s tongue poked out and licked the scruff on my face before his silky smooth chin grazed over it making a slight scratching sound between us.

  His strong hand slipped under my jacket and his fingers dug desperately into my flesh at my side as he pulled me closer.

  “You took a chance coming to the airport,” I replied huskily, as he kissed my neck.

  “I know, but I couldn’t wait for you to come to the house,” he muttered and continued to pepper me with kisses. My heart leapt when he told me that. It was the first time he’d ever stretched himself to take a risk. My skin erupted in goose bumps as his lips touched my skin.

  “Hmm, missed me that much, huh?” I asked, pushing for his approval.

  “You know I always do. The older I get, the harder it's becoming to wait for this,” Jody declared, pulling me tightly into his side and exhaling heavily into my neck.

  “Then don’t wait,” I stated flatly.

  My heart skipped a beat with excitement at having three whole days with him before I had to travel back. An urge to break the rules and take him right there in the backseat almost got the better of me, but the car rocked as Dwayne closed the trunk and his distraction startled Jody and he swiftly took his arm back and placed it by his side.