Exhale and Move On

by K. L. Shandwick

  “I knew it,” he shouted, unable to hide the pleasure my response had induced.

  “I guess you think I’ve fucked numerous men in most positions.”

  Rubbing the back of his neck again, he gave me a sideward glance and shifted awkwardly from foot to foot. It was the first time I saw his natural shyness kick in. Remaining speechless he smirked sheepishly and shrugged his shoulders, but kept his eyes fixed in defiance. I felt I had to put him out of his misery.

  “One guy. That’s it. Just the one.”

  No matter how hard he tried, he couldn’t keep the surprise from his eyes.

  “Until a few days ago I was in a long-term relationship—no scratch that. I had an extended affair with a time waster for years. Truth is, I’m still fucking smarting from the amount of time I’ve wasted waiting for him to leave his family.”

  “God, Rick. I’m really sorry. I had no idea…”

  I snickered, “Well at least you didn’t pick that up, so I hid it well.”

  It was hard to read his thoughts as he stared straight into my eyes, his face was expressionless as he waited for me to say something else, but I had no words and figured it was what it was.

  “You’re still hurt. Behind everything you just said, you’re heartbroken.”

  My heart clenched, and an ache settled in it because it was the first time anyone had challenged how it had left me. Jed would never have commented because he usually let me figure things out for myself, but Lennon knew me better than I had imagined.

  I was thankful when he only stated it as fact and moved on with the conversation.

  “Okay. Then let me tell you about me,” he said.

  "I was nineteen when I met Chris. Corrie had left Florida to come out here for college and I was struggling to survive without her.”

  “Why didn’t you come with her?”

  “My home, job, XrAid… everything was in Florida. I couldn’t afford to go to college.”

  “Glad you never left because we’d never have met.”

  Len flashed me a warm smile and continued.

  “The guy I got involved with, Chris, was two hundred and thirty-five pounds of prime, finely tuned muscle, and a scholarship baseball player. It started after I’d been invited to a buddy’s freshman year frat party one night and everyone was pairing off right and left. By the time me and my friend got there the girls who were left were less than attractive for one reason or another—besides I wasn’t looking.

  "My friend was less choosy than I was and after an hour I found myself on my own. Not knowing anyone else I went and sat on the back porch. I was sipping a beer, and I’d contemplated leaving when Chris shoved the screen door open and planted himself heavily on the steps beside me.”

  Len stopped and smiled to himself at the memory then kind of rolled his eyes like a girl before he continued. “I’m not even sure when or how it happened, but I suddenly found his tongue down my throat and my dick screaming for action. I didn’t think of Corrie once during that kiss and it never once occurred to me to shove him away. I liked it. No, I fucking loved it.” Len chewed his lip and shrugged.

  “The way he clung firmly to me as his tongue dueled for control with mine was intense.” His voice trailed off, and he fell into his own silent thoughts for a moment before he looked back at me and smirked.

  “Anyway, after that first time, we managed to sneak away somewhere at least once a month, shacking up together in some dive of a motel, fucking and eating junk food we had delivered. Three weeks before the end of his college life he proposed to his girlfriend, and I never heard from him again.”

  “Are you fucking serious? Did you call him?”

  “Nope. I was heartbroken, but I knew we weren’t forever. Didn’t mean it didn’t hurt all the same.”

  “Jesus. We’re a pair.” I responded before standing quietly, considering my next move.

  “So, you’re here because you want some male-on-male action? I just want to clarify what this is.”

  “No. I’m here because I don’t know what’s going on between us, but if you feel there is anything in this, then the rest is up to you.”

  I didn’t have to think too hard about it. I knew I was very attracted to Lennon. He was an amazing looking guy with a fabulous body, a great mind and we understood each other.

  “Top or bottom?” I asked intrigued to know how he wanted to pursue things with me.

  A shy smirk made him look awkward again, which was important because it told me how genuine he was about reaching out to me. It didn’t stop me snickering at how innocent he appeared though.

  “I’ve done both, but I guess I’m more into receiving.”

  Another stare stretched between us and my mind turned over nineteen to the dozen as I asked myself if I was willing to be another guy’s secret.

  “What happens if this was to go somewhere for a while and then it doesn’t? You know the risk you’d take? We share the same friendship groups. Mix in the same circles. I’m flattered, Lennie, truly I am, but you have Corrie and I can’t see this happening.” Lennon’s jaw ticked with frustration. He was so fucking tempting but when I considered the bigger picture, it held me back.

  “Listen. I’ve fought this for a long time. A very long time. Ever since we toured together that first time when XrAid were Cobham Street’s warm up band. There’ve been a few times I’ve almost told you, but something has always made me back down.”

  “So, what’s different this time?”

  “You. You’re different. Don’t think I missed the way your eyes followed me around the room back at my place last week. And you were hard—yeah, I noticed. But that makes sense now if you’ve just come out of a gay relationship. You’re a single guy who’s got needs and you’re not as proficient at hiding them as you usually would be.”

  When I heard his straight-talking answer, it was the voice of reason… the Lennon I was used to. He could be a serious ball breaker who pushed people into corners and demanded the truth from them.

  “It doesn’t matter how often I look,” I gestured between us, “This? Whatever the fuck we did—forget it. You and me—it’s not gonna happen. We’re not disrupting the status quo within our bands to scratch an itch. I know no one would blink an eye if we hooked up, but the implications of a fall out are too huge. I’m not the guy you want to get into this with. If you don’t want to pick up guys, you can always go to a club. The members that hang in those are discreet and never go bareback so you should be able to explore your cravings without worrying.”

  The disappointed expression he gave me reflected how I felt inside, but the mutual attraction between us wasn’t enough to convince me. Especially with Coral in the mix. I’d made so many mistakes over the years and my gut feeling was I’d be making another if I gave in to the horny feelings he evoked in me.

  “You mistake me for someone else, Rick. I’m not given to exploring cravings. I’m talking serious feelings, deep feelings, not pounding a guy’s ass for sexual gratification. He lowered his eyes, bowed his head, and looked at the floor, then walked toward the suite door without looking back.

  “Lennon?” When I called his name he stopped, turning to look over his shoulder.

  “I’m so fucking flattered, believe me. In another life, I’d have dragged you onto my bed and fucked you into the middle of next week.”

  He released a snicker and tried to give me a small smile, but it was a sad attempt. I could see how upset my rejection had made him, but I tried to tell myself my decision was for the best. Turning back to look at the door he pulled down the handle and opened the door. “See you next week,” he muttered before he let the door close softly behind him.

  “Fuck.” I shouted as I slammed my hand hard on an occasional table then stood staring at the door for several minutes after he left, wondering if I’d gone soft in the head. Not once in all my years of playing gigs had I refused an offer to get laid by another hot looking human being. But, Lennie was right about one thing—my heart still hurt
when I thought about Jody. So, for once I’d done what I’d felt was the right thing and considered the fallout of my actions.

  Chapter Twelve

  Thinking

  For almost a week I heard nothing from Len and figured he’d taken my advice and moved on. I was swamped with organizing the arrangements for the gig we’d agreed on for charity and I tried hard to forget what we’d done. I was doing okay and caught up with constant calls from Gibson and Alfie about one thing or another.

  “Hey, Gib, what gives?” I asked taking his call when his ID lit up my screen.

  “Afternoon, Rick. Just a quick call to say we’re all set with the line-up.” He gave me the rundown of the bands and we discussed the video segments. “All that's left to do is thread in an hour of sixty, one-minute video tapes reminding people about the hurricane and give people’s accounts of how it affected them.”

  “Sounds great. We’ve already got some researchers and film editors splicing the VT excerpts together. They just need the running order to be decided and which pieces they figure will have the most impact. We’ve got our GoFundMe page up and running already, the donate by text and phone app is being done as we speak. We want to make it as simple as we can to get the most from the gig. Everyone knows the donations go up when a favorite band plays so it’s brilliant we have so many high rollers from the industry taking part; it can only help.”

  “I was thinking… Alfie and Lily… maybe we could get them to do a number together? We should make a bit of a big deal of Lily’s ordeal because she knows the personal cost a storm can bring. What do you think?” he asked.

  “I know she’s not sensitive about what happened and Lily’s a sweetheart. I’m sure she’d be up for whatever would help. I’ll call her in a few minutes,” I agreed. Gibson concluded the call after we’d arranged a face-to-face meeting for the week before the gig. After he hung up, I rang Lily to find out her view on his suggestion.

  When I called Lily’s phone she put the call on speakerphone so that both her and Alfie could hear my request. I explained Gibson’s suggestion and as I’d predicted Lily was only too pleased to help.

  “Sure. I don’t mind if you show the footage from the stadium. It was so long ago now it doesn’t affect me to see it anymore.” Lily was as accommodating as I figured she’d be. Initially, Alfie wasn’t happy to air the footage of an accident Lily previously had on stage, but after a while she convinced him, then we discussed them doing a duet together. “Insatiable,” Lily squealed into the phone. “I’d love to do that song with you, Alfie. After all it’s the one that brought us together.”

  “Alright, anything for you, honey,” he replied sounding well and truly whipped. I smiled silently, knowing that he’d do anything Lily asked of him and conceded he was the best guy to look after Lily. Generally, I gave Alfie shit about his love life, but in truth I was jealous of what they had. It occurred to me then, all the rock stars I had been close to were all fairly settled in their domestic lives apart from me.

  After talking with everyone, I went back to the bed and lay flat, staring at the ceiling. Eight years with Jody had felt like a lifetime of commitment to someone like me. Okay, it wasn’t a conventional, monogamous relationship, but in terms of men, he was the only one I’d slept with.

  Lennon’s confrontation had gotten me thinking. Would I have given up women for Jody? Perhaps? No, I knew I had to be more honest and not kid myself that he’d have been the only one to rock my world. Like Lennon, I liked fucking women and even if Jody had given us the green light I wasn’t so sure I’d have been totally committed to him if it came to giving up the fairer sex.

  Maybe Lennon was more straight forward in his thinking than me or more intelligent when he held himself back from being solely with Coral. He’d definitely given me something to think about. I was the person everyone regarded as an open book, little did they know the past I had hidden.

  Despite being deeply attracted to Lennon, I had witnessed many bands disrupted by one band member shagging another and no matter how hot he was, I figured I had to take a wide berth around Lennie. Pity.

  Another week rolled by where I was dealing with the usual Cobham Street appearances, and final meetings for the Wind of Change event which had gathered pace. All my favorite people gathered in one place thrilled me to no end. It also created a logistical and physical security nightmare for everyone’s bodyguards, PA’s, PR teams, visual designers, and crews.

  Using the same equipment as much as possible, we knew would cut down the lag time for the set and band changes. I made no bones enforcing this, telling everyone if they didn’t like the arrangements there was a huge waiting list of artists and bands all ready to fill their space and they were free to find the exit at any time.

  It was apparent I still had clout because any low-level grumbling stopped and the ‘humbling’ set in. If I heard how grateful a band was for the opportunity after that comment once, I heard it a hundred times. Sometimes people are so full of shit and sometimes they’re so predictable, when under threat.

  It was left to my PR and the legal team to negotiate the TV rights for the show, every penny counted, and I was determined to ensure we stretched everyone’s wallets to the max.

  Once the field for the venue was identified, the crews pulled together and erected the 360-degree stage setting with six catwalk runways for us to perform on. There were also pulleys to sweep us across the crowds to perform at satellite stages at various points that took us nearer to the back of the audience.

  The night before the gig I stood surveying the impressive set design. I was still admiring the formation when Lennon came up on my right-hand side and stood shoulder-to-shoulder beside me. My heart fluttered from the effect of having him near me.

  “Looks awesome, doesn’t it? I can’t wait until it's full of people.”

  Turning my head, I stared at his profile as he looked straight ahead and immediately remembered the night we had. He was such a handsome looking guy with his even features, tanned skin, and the close scruff around his mouth.

  The aftershave or body wash he used was incredibly appealing, and I couldn’t help myself from inhaling deeply. He obviously heard me and turned his head, his eyes locking onto mine. My heart clenched, and I looked back out to where the crowds would be because I couldn’t bear the strained vibe I felt between us.

  “Yeah, it’ll be amazing once the crowds fill the place and we’re out there. This has to work.”

  “You know, you’re full of surprises,” he stated.

  I tilted my head to the side and glanced directly at him considering what he’d said, “How so?”

  “I just never figured this would be something you would have masterminded.”

  “You mean you thought I didn’t give a shit about anyone but myself?” I teased.

  “No, that’s not what I meant. I figured you were so independent you wouldn’t have had the time for it; you’ve never appeared to want to be tied to anything.”

  The way he said it made me think he was talking about how I’d blown him out. “Listen, about the day you came to see me—”

  Lennie shoved his hands in his pockets, one of the signs he had that gave away his discomfort. He averted his eyes in the same direction as I had when I’d felt the same and shrugged. After a moment he gave me a sideward glance. An awkward, kind of shy smile spread on his lips and I’d never seen him look more appealing.

  “Forget it. I have. It was stupid of me… Anyhow—”

  “Ah, there you are. I got distracted by all those gorgeous hot rock stars milling around and when I turned to look for you, you’d—Rick!” Coral stood wide-eyed, a beaming smile on her face as she stared me out. I hadn’t seen her since the night in question as she lived in California and our gig was in West Palm Beach, Florida. I had thought the chances of being around her again would have been slim.

  My heartbeat skipped in fear when I looked at Lennon and a pang of jealousy tore through me. It was so unexpected, yet completely appr
opriate at the same time.

  it was significant that Len had brought her back to Florida with him. She had no idea what it meant that Lennon had made such a move, but I did. Lennon was serious about keeping her close since she mentioned those two other guys.

  Lennon smiled warmly at her and I swear he looked embarrassed, but I never mentioned it.

  “Lovely to see you again, Rick,” she said as she wrapped her arm around mine. "I never got the chance to thank you for—”

  “No thanks necessary, sweetheart, we all had fun. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a little more work to do here,” I said, cutting her off then making my way

  over to a couple of roadies moving some sound equipment around.

  Coral turned and latched onto Lennon’s arm, glancing up adoringly at him, but I noted with furtive glances that Lennon’s eyes followed me all the way across to where I pretended to be involved in something. I muttered something to the roadies about taking a break and headed back to see who else was around and avoided going back to where Lennon stood.

  I was a fool to think our relationship could go back to normal. I’d been throat deep in the guy and there was probably no going back from that.

  It was around half an hour later while I was talking to Flynn Docherty and his lovely wife, Valerie, that Lennon came into view. I quickly excused myself and headed toward the makeshift dressing rooms until Coral clapped eyes on me.

  Untangling herself from Lennon she came after me and threw her arms around my waist and went one step further when she placed her head on my chest. “Damn, you smell good,” she gushed as she put her hands on my ass and pulled me tightly against her.

  I was used to women hitting on me, but this one was very different. For one, I’d already been there with her and I rarely went back for more, but I knew I would have happily done her anytime she wanted me. Secondly, she was Lennie’s girl… another reason if one were necessary because Lennie and I shared a dangerous mutual attraction.