The Spinster

by Wolf, Bree

  Stepping back, Johanna buried her face in her hands as her feet began to carry her around the room. Her limbs ached with utter frustration, and her strength began to wane. “Why do you have to be so stubborn?” she snapped, spinning to face him, welcoming the anger that suddenly surged through her body. “Why can you not simply believe me? Have I ever lied to you?”

  Colin shook his head, his gaze as determined as her own as he stepped toward her. “You have not, which is why I don’t understand what makes you think you can lie to me now. Tell me! What frightens you so?”

  “Nothing!”

  “That’s not true!”

  “How would you know?”

  “Because I know you!” Colin snarled, anger darkening his cheeks. “Now, tell me!”

  “No!”

  “Aha!” he exclaimed in triumph. “So, you admit you are frightened!”

  Jo stemmed her hands onto her hips. “I did no such thing! Don’t put words in my mouth! I’ve told you that before.”

  “Then answer me!”

  “No!”

  “What are you afraid of?” Again, gripping her by the arms, Colin brought his face close to hers, his eyes almost desperate as he spoke. “Damn it, Jo! Tell me!”

  At the sight of his pain, Johanna felt her own anger subside. Exhaustion washed over her, and she no longer had the strength to hold him at bay. Perhaps she ought to be honest with him. Perhaps he deserved to know why they could never be. Perhaps then he would understand…

  …and leave.

  Her shoulders slumped as she lifted her gaze to look at him. “I’m afraid of what might happen if I don’t send you away,” she whispered, willing him to understand that this decision did not stem from a lack of feeling on her part, but rather the opposite.

  His brows knitted in confusion as he looked at her, searching her face as he clearly did not understand. “What might happen to me…,” he mumbled, shaking his head. “What do you m−?” Then his gaze suddenly widened. “You cannot truly mean those ludicrous whispers about a curse, can you?”

  Jo could not fault him for thinking her insane. She would have probably done the same had anyone else spoken to her the way she had just spoken to him. Of course, her rational mind had argued countless times against the existence of curses. Of course, it was nonsense! How could it not be?

  And yet, a flicker of doubt remained.

  “You are not responsible for what happened to Owen,” Colin insisted, his green gaze steady, pleading with her to believe him, “or to Kenwood. Those were accidents. Tragic? Yes. But not your fault. You have to believe me.”

  Jo sighed, “I do believe you,” she whispered, a soft smile coming to her lips as she looked up at him. Now that she had shared her innermost fears, she felt somehow lighter, unburdened. “I do believe you. I swear it. And yet, there is a part of me that…I cannot explain it.” Shaking her head, she steeled herself for his next objection. “I cannot agree to marry you, knowing what happened to Owen and Brendan. There’s a part of me that knows that I’d be risking your life if I did, and I cannot do that. Please understand.”

  Staring at her, Colin remained silent for a long moment, his green eyes sweeping over her face, trying to understand, searching for doubts, for a weakness he could use to convince her. Jo could see his thoughts as plain as day, and her heart rejoiced at the deep emotions that fuelled him. He wanted her. He truly wanted her. A part of her had hoped for this all her life.

  “I love you,” he finally whispered, incredulity filling his eyes, before he shook his head in disbelief. “I always thought that would be enough.”

  Jo nodded, savouring the moment, knowing it would be the last they would ever share. “I love you as well,” she replied, a bit of a shy smile tugging on the corners of her mouth. “I have for so long that I hardly know who I am without you.” She inhaled a slow breath, fortifying herself for what needed to be said. “But I’d rather live without you and know you’re alive and well somewhere than to see you laid to rest before your time.” Tears came to her eyes, and she took a step back as he reached to pull her into his arms.

  “Jo, please!” The longing in his voice broke her heart.

  “No,” she replied hardening her voice, knowing that she needed to close the door on a shared future all the way, or he would always have hope, and it would keep him from living his life. “You can ask me as many times as you wish, the answer will always be no.”

  Defeated, Colin stood before her, utter sadness clinging to his features. “I cannot believe this is happening. I always thought…”

  Johanna nodded. “As did I. I suppose we were both wrong.” She swallowed as her hands started to tremble, and her body began to ache so acutely that she thought she surely must be ill. “Please leave,” she whispered, fighting to hold back, to keep the tears inside.

  Despite the reluctance she could still see in his eyes, Colin nodded. “Very well. If this is what you wish.” Then he turned back to the window.

  “No!” Johanna exclaimed, rushing forward. “Through the door. Please!”

  A sad grin came to his face. “We’re not betrothed, so I should be safe from the curse, don’t you think?” A moment later, he perched back on the ash tree’s thick branch, his lips whispering a silent goodbye, before he made his way down to the ground. Only once his feet had settled on the fresh grass did Johanna breathe a sigh of relief.

  Then she stepped back, closed the window and sank to the floor, her knees buckling as tears spilled forth.

  He was truly gone.

  Chapter Seventeen − Grandmamma Clarice

  With all his hopes crushed beneath his feet, Colin sank down onto the grass, his back resting against the tall ash tree. A part of him still could not believe what had just happened, that she had truly refused him. And yet, his heart rejoiced at the memory of her confession. She did love him. She always had. And yet, there was no future for them. How could this be?

  “You look defeated, my boy.”

  Blinking, Colin was surprised to see Grandmamma Clarice standing only a few paces away. Her pale eyes watched him as they always had, and he got the distinct feeling that she was displeased with him. “Grandmamma Clarice,” he greeted her, pushing himself to his feet. “It is good to see you.”

  The old woman’s eyes narrowed. “You broke your promise.”

  “I did?”

  “You promised me you’d never disappear again,” she chided as he approached, her watchful eyes missing nothing. “You disappointed me, and now you need to make amends.”

  “I’m sorry,” Colin offered, truly regretting that he had hurt the only grandmother he had ever known. “Truly, I am. Please tell me what I can do. Anything you wish.”

  A sly smile came to Grandmamma Clarice’s face. “Marry my granddaughter.”

  A chuckle escaped Colin’s lips before he stilled, his gaze going wide when he came to realise that she was not jesting. “Marry Jo?”

  Grandmamma Clarice nodded. “You love her, do you not?”

  Somewhat taken aback, Colin inhaled a deep breath. “I do, yes, but…”

  “There are no buts when it comes to love,” the old woman whispered mysteriously, a somewhat wicked gleam in her eyes that made Colin wonder about the young woman Grandmamma Clarice had once been. “Well then?”

  Colin shook his head to clear it. “I’d marry her in a heartbeat,” he stated, feeling his heart beat with more strength than before as hope returned into every fibre of his body. If he truly had Grandmamma Clarice on his side, perhaps all was not lost. But what could they do when Jo was so vehement in her decision?

  “Then do so,” Grandmamma Clarice replied with a chuckle as though he was being a fool for not seeing something that was right before his eyes.

  Colin groaned, running a hand through his hair. “She won’t have me,” he replied honestly. “I tried, but she asked me to leave.”

  The old woman’s eyes widened. “And you complied?”

  “I can’t force her into marriage!�
�� Colin exclaimed, wondering if Grandmamma Clarice’s mind was not as sharp as it once had been.

  Another chuckle left the old woman’s lips. “Sometimes those in fear cannot see reason,” she explained, her eyes drifting sideways for a bare second as though she was remembering something of her own past. “Sometimes they need a bit of a push.” The left side of her mouth curled into a sly smile. “Sometimes even a shove.”

  Unable not to, Colin returned her smile before his gaze wandered back to the large ash tree, his eyes following the strong trunk and thick branches until they fell upon Johanna’s window.

  “I know that my granddaughter loves you,” Grandmamma Clarice stated, and the conviction in her heart chased away the chill that had settled on Colin’s limbs. “She always has.”

  “Did she tell you?”

  “She didn’t have to,” the old woman replied as her gaze travelled upward as well, lingering for a moment on her granddaughter’s window before returning to him. “I know that she is afraid, that she fears for you, and at least right now, she cannot overcome that fear. You’ll have to do it for her.”

  Colin frowned. “What? How? What can I do to convince her?”

  Grandmamma Clarice shook her head. “Do not try to convince her, for you would surely fail. My granddaughter is a stubborn one. No, in order to win her hand, you’ll need to be…creative.”

  Colin’s frown grew more pronounced. “Why do I have the feeling that what you’re about to suggest will be far from…conventional?”

  Grandmamma Clarice chuckled, “You know me too well, my boy.”

  Chapter Eighteen − Whose Wedding Day?

  Johanna spent the remainder of the day in her chamber, relieved that no one came to see her, not even Grandmamma Clarice. Everybody seemed to be otherwise occupied, and so Johanna allowed herself to mourn, to grieve for the hopes she had once had for a future that was now never to be.

  Colin was gone, and he would never return.

  The sky began to dim by the time Johanna brushed the last tears off her cheeks, straightened her dress and pushed herself to her feet. Even from her eastern window, she could see the far reaches of magnificent streaks of red and violet painting the sky, whispering of the night and a new day soon to come.

  Surprised at how much time had passed, Johanna hastened for the door, knowing that supper would be served soon. As she hurried down the staircase, hoping her eyes were not as red-rimmed as she feared, she wondered why no one had come to check on her when she had failed to appear for the mid-day meal.

  Truly, it was a day unlike any other.

  Fortunately, supper passed without an enquiry after Johanna’s current state. No one seemed to notice the absence of her smile or the lack of conversation on her end. While her father, of course, was as oblivious as always, neither her mother nor even her grandmother seemed to notice anything out of the ordinary. A part of Jo could not help but feel hurt.

  Sleep proved elusive the next three nights as Jo tossed and turned, her mind again and again conjuring the few moments she had shared with Colin. Again, she saw the sadness in his eyes, the longing, the love. Gritting her teeth, she buried her face in her pillow lest she jump from her bed and write an ill-advised letter, begging him to return.

  Not only would it no doubt have disastrous consequences, but Jo did not have any idea where to send it. Colin was truly gone no matter how much she might want him back.

  “Good,” she whispered into the dark. “This way at least my weakness will not put him at risk.” And so, in the many moments that followed when Jo felt her longing for Colin grow to unbearable heights she would remind herself that she had sent him away for a reason: to protect his life.

  On the fourth morning after Colin’s departure, Jo willed herself to return to her normal daily activities. She rose early, washed and dressed and then after breakfast spent an hour sitting by her window, her thoughts at least momentarily distracted by the words on the pages before her. After all, it was by far more preferable to read about another’s heartbreak than to experience one’s own.

  When she closed the book and set it aside, a knock sounded on the door and Grandmamma Clarice walked in. “How are you, my dear?” the old woman asked, and her pale eyes slid over Johanna in a way that suggested she knew more than she ought to. “You look not like yourself.”

  Sighing, Jo rose to her feet. “Colin came to see me a few days ago.” Long ago, Jo had learnt that there was no use in lying to Grandmamma Clarice as the old woman seemed to be like a bloodhound when it came to lies, half-truths and the like.

  “I see,” her grandmother mumbled, and Jo wondered about the lack of surprise on the old woman’s face. “What did he want?”

  Jo swallowed hard, uncertain if she would be able to speak the words without breaking down. Balling her hands into fists, she held a tight rein on her body, willing it not to betray her. “He wanted to marry me.” The words left her mouth in a rush, and she heaved a couple of deep breaths once they were out.

  “And you refused him?”

  Jo nodded.

  “Even though you wanted to accept him?”

  Meeting her grandmother’s gentle eyes, Jo nodded again, no longer wondering how her grandmother knew the things she knew. “It is better this way. Safer.”

  Coming toward her, Grandmamma Clarice reached for Jo’s hands. “Life is not always easy, my dear. It is not straightforward, and our path is often hidden from us. But if there is one truth I’ve learnt in my life, it’s that when you come to be as old as I am, you do not regret the things you did.” Sighing, she shook her head. “No, you regret the things you did not do, the things you let slip through your fingers because you were too afraid, too proud or too stubborn.”

  Feeling tears sting her eyes, Jo nodded. “I know, Grandmamma. I know.”

  “The day will come for regrets,” her grandmother said, brushing a tear from Jo’s face, “but that day is not today. Come with me, Child, and do not fear.”

  Confused about her grandmother’s last words, Jo nevertheless followed her out of her chamber and down the stairs. Again, she rubbed at her eyes, wondering if the tears would ever stop or if she had to spend the rest of her life, hiding the misery of her heart from those around her.

  Stepping into the drawing room, Jo was surprised to find not only her mother and father standing by the large hearth, but also Pastor Banning. The kind, old man with the receding hair line and thick bifocals smiled at her. “Good morning, dear. How good of you to join us.”

  Returning his greeting, Jo glanced from her parents to her grandmother. “Is something wrong? Are you ill?”

  Grandmamma Clarice snorted in a rather unlady-like fashion. “Nonsense. I’ll survive you all.” Then she waved her hand at the pastor as well as her son and daughter-in-law. “Shall we get going? I’m not getting any younger.”

  “Certainly,” Pastor Banning assured her as Johanna’s parents took a few steps back and positioned themselves a little to the side, a strange look in their eyes. Never had Jo seen her mother look at her quite like this, a mixture of joy and impatience in her gaze. At the same time, her lips were sealed shut as though she feared words might jump from her mouth that were not meant to be heard.

  “What is going on?” Jo demanded, feeling an icy chill crawl up her spine. “You all are acting quite unlike yourselves.”

  “Where’s the groom?” Pastor Banning enquired.

  “The groom?” Startled, Jo took a step back, her gaze darting back and forth between her parents, her grandmother as well as the pastor. “What are you talking about? Is someone getting married?”

  “Yes. You.”

  At the sound of Colin’s voice, Jo froze, and her eyes closed as though the developments of the past few moments were simply too many to handle. Still, she could not deny that her heart danced with joy at the mere sound of his voice.

  Inhaling a deep breath, Jo turned toward the door, her hand holding on tightly to her grandmother’s. The moment her gaze fell on Coli
n, her knees turned to water and she thought she would faint.

  This could not be!

  “What are you doing here?” she croaked, wondering that her mind was still capable of rational thought.

  Grinning, Colin came toward her. “It’s my wedding day,” he told her, a wicked gleam in his eyes that was only tempered by the sense of apprehension that held him rather rigid. “I thought it prudent to be punctual.”

  “You’re getting married? To whom?” Johanna asked as her mind echoed his earlier answer. You!

  A heartbreakingly gentle smile came to his face as he reached for her hands, settling them in his own as though they belonged there. “I’m marrying you,” he whispered, his emerald eyes watchful as he waited for her reaction.

  “But…I already told you…I can’t…I…” All rational thought seemed to have evaporated into thin air at the thought of the future he promised. “I can’t.”

  Colin nodded. “Yes, you can. If the only reason you refused me is that you fear for me, then don’t make that mistake. I promise nothing will happen to me.” A teasing grin curled up his lips. “As you can see nothing has happened to me. Three days ago, I asked your father for your hand, received his approval and blessing and then hurried to London to procure a special license. You see there’ve been plenty of opportunities for me to…kick the bucket−”

  “Colin!”

  “−and yet, here I am, alive and well.” As she tried to slap him for his jesting words, he only held on more tightly to her hands, pulling her closer. “Perhaps we’re meant to be. Perhaps not. I cannot say I care. All I want is you, whether we were destined to be or not.” He inhaled a deep breath, and all humour left his eyes. “We’ve already wasted so much time, let us not waste more. The thought of a life without you already feels like a wasted life. Please do not make it a reality.”

  Overwhelmed by his words, Jo felt her resolve weaken as her heart thudded wildly in her chest, reminding her of the young girl she had once been. Everything had seemed possible then, bright and promising. “But what if−?”