Meggie's Secret

by Felisha Goulding

  Meg glared back at him, and in a flat voice she responded. “John, I introduced you. You know who he is.”

  “That’s not what I meant and you damn well know it. What does he mean to you?” Meg swallowed hard. His nostrils flared and he didn’t move an inch as he waited for her to respond. He looked straight at her and without a flinch he asked, “Are you sleeping with him?”

  Meg dropped her head and stared at the floor below; she couldn’t look him straight in the eye. If she was unsure of how he felt about her before, she certainly knew now that he still had feelings for her. But she had to face this, she had to come to terms with the fact that this thing between them would go nowhere, and it was up to her to end it. The last thing she wanted was to give him any misconceptions about how she felt about him. With her head hung low, she responded. “We just met through business. We’ve spent very little time together, but, John, I really do like him.” She looked up in time to capture the pained expression on his handsome face. “Why did you wait all these years? Clearly, you feel something for me, but so much time has gone by. I don’t understand. I would have moved heaven and earth for you eight years ago. If I meant anything to you at all, why didn’t you try to get in touch with me since we moved away from home?”

  His jaw flexed in that sexy way that men seem to do, and he combed his fingers through his hair in frustration. “Meggie, I haven’t stopped thinking about you. Not a day has gone by that I haven’t thought about you. But I wasn’t sure if you had forgiven me for leaving you that night. I let too much time go by, I know that, but we were miles apart. Both of us had responsibilities with our jobs. I tried letting go. Hell, I spent the last eight years of my life trying to let you go. But I can’t and I’ll be damned if I’ll let you walk out of my life now. We have something special between us, Meggie, and I was hoping we could have a fresh new start. I had no idea you were coming to New York, you just appeared out of nowhere. When I first saw you, I thought how lucky am I? I thought maybe we had a chance.” His eyes were glossy. Meg sensed the seriousness in his tone, and she truly felt at a loss.

  Hearing the disappointment in his voice made her feel like the biggest jerk in the world. She knew when they were eighteen before leaving Door County they had feelings for one another. She also knew that despite that dreadful night a long time ago, she couldn’t possibly blame him for what happened. But truthfully, what she felt right now for Drake Noble was beyond anything she’d ever felt before, and she couldn’t possibly walk away from that.

  “John, what we had was a long time ago, and I get that I just started seeing Drake. I’m not even sure where this thing will go with him, especially after the other night, but I have to try. I haven’t talked to him for two days, and I’m worried sick that I may have fucked it all up with him. I figured if I can’t stop thinking about him this way, it tells me that I care about him.”

  Without warning, a single tear fell down Meg’s cheek and she swiped it away with the back of her hand. This conversation was killing her, but she meant every word that fell from her lips. “Maybe what you feel toward me right now is mixed up with old memories and feelings you once had.” She looked up at him questioningly. “Who was the girl you were with? I mean, if you really care as much as you say you do, how did you hook up with her so quickly that evening after I canceled?”

  “She’s a girl I’ve been seeing off and on since I moved here. I met her at that club the first week after I arrived. She’s not my girlfriend, but I do call her when I need...”

  “Oh, I see, you’re fuck buddies?”

  “Jesus, Meggie. When you put it like that, it sounds, I don’t know; she’s nice enough, but not someone I would consider spending the rest of my life with.”

  “John, it’s fine. I see it for what it is. I just find it a little odd that you would call her up when we were supposed to spend the evening together.”

  With a sharp tone he responded. “You’re one to talk.”

  “I’m not looking for a fight here, John. I had a last minute business meeting to attend to.”

  He combed his fingers through his hair nervously. “You have a point, but honestly, I was pissed. I was pissed that you canceled out on us. Pissed because I do have feelings for you. And you know what, Meggie? You can’t tell me that you feel nothing towards me, I know you do.”

  “You’re right, John. There is a definite chemistry between us, but that’s all there is. I can’t live in the past anymore. It took me forever to get over you. It was a long time ago. I’ve changed. In fact, we’ve both changed.”

  His tone turned to anger; he wasn’t yelling but there was bitterness in his voice. “That’s the God damn point, Meggie. I want to get to know you all over again, I want to give us a chance, I want to see where this could lead. Don’t you think I know we’ve both changed? We’ve grown up and I don’t need to remind you it’s been eight fucking years since we’ve last seen one another, so of course, we’re different people than we were back then.”

  When Meg placed her hand on his chest, his muscles tensed under her touch. “Come on, John. Please, don’t do this,” she begged. “I like him. I can’t help how I feel. We have a connection, and more than anything I’ve ever wanted before, I want to see where things could go with him. I don’t even know if he wants anything to do with me anymore. I might have blown any opportunity I had with him after we ran into you at that club. But I have to hope that it isn’t too late. I like you, John, but for the past two days, it was him I thought about. I’m sorry. I know I’m not telling you what you want to hear, but I don’t want to be with anyone more than I want to be with him right now.”

  John’s face hardened. He listened to what she had to say but he wasn’t at all happy to hear it. “What you’re really saying is you don’t want me anymore, is that right, Meggie?”

  “You know, there was a time when I wanted to be with you more than anything. Like I said before, it took me forever to get past what I felt for you. I can’t go back to that. I’m finally over you, and I’m happy now. Can’t you be happy for me?”

  He looked away from her and everything went quiet. “Fine, I get it, but I am not giving up on you, Meggie. I will never give up.” He looked straight into her eyes, his face grew serious, his tone certain. “Do you hear me? I have to ask you something, something that’s been bothering me since that last night we spent together; there’s something you’ve been hiding from me.” He looked her square in the face, his look was intense and he wanted answers.

  Meg was stunned; the sound of blood gushed through her ears and dread filled her chest. How could he possibly know she was hiding something? Did he know? No way, he couldn’t have known.

  Meg knitted her eyebrows together, her throat was dry, and she managed to respond. “What are you talking about? What do you need to know?”

  At that very moment, the door flew open in the hallway, and Sarah came running in to hug them both. She stepped back and eyed them suspiciously. She looked from Meg back to John and then back to Meg again. John turned and hugged her before she could ask anything. Ignoring the elephant in the room, he tried to make light of the argument Sarah had walked in on.

  She brought them up to speed on her weekend of photo shoots and grabbed both their hands and made a beeline for the couch. Pulling them both down to sit on either side of her, Sarah went on and on about the entire trip. This was a welcomed interruption to their earlier conversation. Meg was grateful that Sarah had walked in when she did. She couldn’t help but wonder what John was about to ask her. Tension hung low in the air, and thankfully, Sarah was sitting between them.

  Meg looked over toward John. He was far too quiet. She could tell he carried the weight of the world on his shoulders, and Meg knew this wasn’t finished between them. A little while later, after her curiosity got the better of her, Meg moved forward on the couch trying to catch his attention. “John, you wanted to ask me something earlier. What was it?”

  “Forget it, it’s not important anymore,�
� he said. He got up from the couch and before disappearing down the hallway he turned back. “I’m jumping in the shower.” And just like that, he disappeared down the hall.

  Sarah turned her attention back to Meg the minute John was out of sight, confusion written all over her perfectly beautiful face. “So, what’s going on?” she asked in a hushed tone. “He looks pissed.”

  With an annoyed look on her face, Meg turned to her friend. “Nothing’s going on, Sarah. Why didn’t you tell me he was staying here?”

  Disappointment spread across Sarah’s face. “I wanted to surprise you both, and I thought it would be the perfect set up.”

  “Jesus, Sarah, I wish you would have told me.”

  “I’m sorry. I thought you two would finally have a chance: you’re both single, you both have a history together, you’re perfect for one another, and I love you both. But if this is not what you want, I’ll back off, you have my word.”

  “Thank you.” They exchanged hugs. Now that John was in the shower and they were alone, Meg brought Sarah up to date on Drake. Sarah’s eyes grew wide as she listened, and she was happy to hear that Meg had met someone that she was really interested in.

  “He sounds really hot, Meg, and I am so happy for you. I hope this works out.” Sarah pulled her into a tight hug before continuing. “I have to admit, I feel badly for John. You know, he’s asked about you over the years in every conversation I had with him? He'd ask if you were seeing anyone special and how you’re doing with work. He always managed to sneak in a few questions here and there wanting to know what you were up to. He tried to make light of the conversations about you, but there was no mistaking his feelings for you, Meg. Tell me something. If you hadn’t met this guy, do you think you would have given John a chance?”

  Meg thought for a moment. “I don’t know, Sarah. I’m still attracted to him but I refuse to go back there. To wasting any more years of my life hung up on him. Here’s the thing, I did meet someone else, and I wouldn’t change that for anything. John is my past and he always will be. Drake on the other hand, although I don’t know that much about him, I like how he makes me feel. I’m extremely attracted to him. Everything about Drake drives me wild.” Meg lowered her voice, “He has this dark side to him that I’m extremely attracted to. It’s so hot, Sarah. I can’t get him out of my head. I think about him constantly.”

  Meg paused for a moment; she reminisced about her evening with Drake, his touch, the hungered look in his eyes when she came to orgasm, the intense way he watched her, demanding she look at him, the silky smoothness of his voice. He had a definite spell on her, and she couldn’t for the life of her shake him from her thoughts. Drake was without a doubt perfect; she had never met anyone quite like him. Meg looked back to Sarah and continued. “He’s hot and the chemistry between us is intense. What surprises me the most is that I never thought I could be so turned on or feel so alive with his words or the sound of his voice, or that look! I can’t even put into words how he looked at me. No one has ever looked at me like that.” Meg smiled thinking back to the intimate moment they shared on the balcony, in such a public place.

  “I don’t think he’s into whips or chains or anything of the sort. Although, I have to admit, with him, I might be willing to try anything.” Sarah and Meg both laughed at that.

  Sarah studied Meg for a moment. “You don’t think John could push your buttons in the same way, Meg? You know he regrets not having sex with you before you left home eight years ago? He told me so many times. He wishes that he could go back to that night, that he would have done things differently.”

  Meg held her chin up high and looked at her friend. “Well, it’s too late for that now, isn’t it? I wish he had taken my virginity that night, Sarah. You have no fucking idea how much I wish that night could have turned out differently, but it’s too late. What’s done is done.” Meg turned away trying to hide the emotion welling up inside. She held back the tears that years ago fell freely when she relived that night over and over in her head.

  “Geez, Meg, you make it sound like you hold a grudge or something. Did he really hurt you that much?”

  Trying desperately to control her emotions, she looked toward the window, and in a low shaky voice, she responded. “Sarah, you have no idea.” Meg’s memory was about to slip back to that night. She shook it immediately. “Okay, enough, why don’t we talk about something else?”

  John strutted back to the kitchen after taking a shower, and he stood there for a moment, staring at Meg. He wore a heartbreaking look on his face. Meg stood up and headed in the direction of the washroom. “I’m going to take a shower,” she said; the words sounded more like an apology as opposed to a dismissal. She took one last look at both Sarah and John and then headed down the hallway.

  Tears stung her eyes and threatened to fall. She closed the door behind her and sank to the floor, wrapping her arms around her legs tightly. She tucked her knees under her chin and let the tears spill freely. It had taken her all of eight years to move on and forget about her past. She’d never told a soul, not Sarah, not her parents, not even her cousin Eva that she lived with through her university years at the time when everything was so raw. She couldn’t change what happened. It was a part of her that she had to survive and learn how to live with. Only now she felt like she was reliving the whole nightmare all over again. The last thing she wanted was to see John Lake back in her life. As much as she once wanted him and still had feelings for him, she refused to allow herself to go back there. She’d worked too damn hard to rebuild her life to what it was today. Finally, after years of torment, she was feeling normal again. She felt like a whole woman, a woman ready to explore her sexuality. Drake Noble did that for her, and she fully intended to replace her ugly past with happy new memories. I just hope it’s not too late. Where are you, Drake? Call me, tell me what you’re thinking.

  After two days and still no word from Drake, she was anxious and worried about what would happen between them. It was more than possible he wanted nothing further to do with her. The irresistible urge to call him was driving her crazy, but maybe it’s space he needed right now. Wishing she knew exactly where she stood with him, she decided it would be best to talk to him when he returned. He mentioned he would be away for three days, which meant he would be returning sometime tomorrow.

  After a quick shower, Meg put her hair up in a high pony tail and decided to go for a quick run. When she entered the kitchen again, she noticed John wasn’t around.

  “Did John leave, Sarah?”

  “Yeah, he went to the gym, said he’ll be back around dinner time.” Sarah yawned and covered her face with her hands.

  “Did he say anything else?”

  “Not really. I tried talking to him, but he said he didn’t feel like talking right now, that he’d go work out his frustrations at the gym.”

  “You look exhausted, Sarah. Why don’t you get some sleep? I’m going for a run and will be back in a few hours.”

  “Maybe you’re right, Meg. I am tired. Wake me up when you get back. We’ll do something tonight, okay? Oh and Meg, I’ll tell you the same thing I told John earlier. I’m sorry I fucked everything up.”

  Meg kissed her on the cheek and assured her this wasn’t her fault. “I’ll wake you up when I get back, I promise. Now go, get some sleep.”

  * * * *

  Meg opened the door to the condo, and Sarah was up, sitting on the couch with a coffee. They decided to go for a walk and do some sightseeing. It was nice spending time together with Sarah. It felt as though they were teenagers all over again. They walked past Wall Street, had coffee on an outdoor patio in SoHo and talked about everything and anything.

  Meg felt revitalized just being with Sarah again. Sarah was still the same bad ass she always was in many ways, but she’d matured a lot over the years. The party girl in her had slowed down, and it appeared as though she adjusted well to her new lifestyle as a successful model. She took her health seriously, ate healthy, and fell
in to a daily exercise routine. It seemed to pay off nicely. She wore nice expensive clothing, only the best makeup products available, and kept her blonde hair long and healthy.

  “So, Meg, what do you think will happen between you and Drake?”

  “I’m not sure anymore. After the night club incident I told you about, maybe I scared him off for good, but I hope that’s not the case. We had such a connection and truthfully, I will be heartbroken if I don’t see him again.”

  In a soft voice, Sarah replied, “Why don’t you pick up the phone and call him? I bet he would love to hear from you. Maybe he’s feeling insecure, or maybe he’s trying to give you a little space to figure this thing out.”

  “Nah, he’ll be back tomorrow. I can wait until then. I was kind of hoping he would initiate contact first.”

  “Meg, this is the twentieth century, girls initiate now. There’s nothing wrong with you making the first move here. If he really means that much to you, you should reach out to him. What if he decides you’re not interested and moves on? You both just met, space is the last thing you need between you.” Sarah straightened in her chair. “I have to ask, have you really thought this thing through? I mean, let’s say he calls you when he returns and you two decide to pick up where you left off. What will happen once you return to Toronto? How will you make this work with all this distance between you?”

  “Oh, come on, Sarah. I don’t know if he’s interested in long term. The guy can have anyone woman he wants and I’m not sure if that will be me. And right now, I’m questioning whether or not he ever wants to see me again. I really screwed this up.”

  Irritated, Sarah gave Meg the look. The look that told her she better listen and she better take her seriously. “Why do you keep selling yourself short, Meg? You’re beautiful, you’re kind, you’re sexy, you’re in perfect shape. You’re genuine and funny and anyone who would be foolish enough to pass all that up is crazy in my opinion. It’ll be his loss that’s for damn sure.” Sarah tilted her head slightly to the side before continuing. “Look, my point is this, you are fucking gorgeous, Meg Malone, and I am not just saying these things because you’re my best friend. I mean every word. You are the perfect package. Any guy to walk away from you is insane. I know John Lake is kicking himself over his loss.”