The Inhuman Chronicles (Book 1): Inhuman

by Feren, Todd C.

  Chapter 9

  I popped open a box of Jujyfruits and immediately began to pick out the black ones. I never understood why the disgusting black licorice flavored ones were even allowed in the box. They weren’t on the outside packaging, which tells me the company was aware of how disgusting they were. It’s false advertising really. Why advertise a box of fruity flavors only to shit on me once I open the box and see a quarter of my candy is useless and disgusting? You might as well have put wood chips in there.

  The dog came bounding into the room as quickly as the box began to tear. Any sooner, and I would wonder if he had supernatural powers.

  “You know, fucker,” I said wriggling my hand inside of the bright yellow box. “You can’t stay here forever.”

  The dog seemed preoccupied with my hand in the box. Like he knew the deliciousness that was inside.

  “I don’t want to keep picking up your shit. I don’t have enough food, and I don’t like the way you keep staring at me.” The dog briefly took his eyes off of the box to look at me. “Here…” I said, holding up one of the vomit inducing licorice flavored Jujyfruits between my thumb and forefinger. “You can have the ones I don’t want.”

  I threw the treat to him, and with a lightning fast snap, the treat was in his mouth and being chewed greedily. The dog paused in mid chew as the flavor hit him. His nose curled, I could see more teeth, and his tongue began to protrude out of his mouth in an attempt to get the flavor off of it.

  “Is it good?” I asked sarcastically.

  As if in direct response, he began to lick his ass. I couldn’t help but agree with him that dog’s ass is marginally better than a black Jujyfruit.

  My amusement was interrupted by the sounds of gunfire outside. It sounded like it was less than a block away, and it was getting closer. I ran to the living room window and looked out to see what I could. Part of me hoped for the army to be coming in to save the day. But another part of me didn’t care. Do I really want to go back to a life filled with people? Do I really want to go back to a world where my true self is relegated to live in the shadows?

  Pretending to be human is tiring.

  Then I saw them. One man and one woman. The man was the size of half a tank, and he looked about as tough. He held a gun in one hand that was roughly the size of my leg, and he didn’t really seem to be weighed down by it in the least. The woman was small and actually quite pretty. Maybe she only appeared small because of the giant she was standing next to. Her skin was a very pale white, and her hair was just as black as the dreaded Jujyfruits I hated so much. She cowered behind the large man as he fired down at the attackers I could not yet see. I would assume by the size of the gun that they were being attacked by rhinos, but then I heard it.

  Moans.

  The sound that the zombies make when they see food. This wasn’t like any moans I had heard before. No. This was coming from a massive group. It wasn’t long before the crowd of zombies made their way into my view. There had to be at least twenty of them. They all moaned and walked directly into the gunfire of the massive weapon. They didn’t flinch as their compatriot’s heads literally exploded next to them. They didn’t show fear as the big man’s gun eviscerated zombie after zombie.

  The giant fired into the crowd, and his tree trunk like arms barely recoiled with the force of the massive gun. The woman let out a scream when she saw the business man walking from my lawn towards them. I watched in slow motion as the giant gun wielding commando turned his enormous gun on my business man.

  God damn it! I thought. I want to kill the business man, and now this giant is going to beat me to it.

  But luck was somehow in my favor yet again… Er, rather, luck was against the two would be survivors in the street. The big man’s gun jammed. It wouldn’t fire, and the look of panic on his face was priceless. I slowly placed a green Jujyfruit in my mouth. The minty flavor exploded on my tongue as the anticipation of the impending feeding on the street played out before my eyes. There was no doubt that these two were going to be devoured, but I was excited to see the what kind of fight the big guy had in him.

  A small blaze of white and brown fur blurred past me and stopped in front of the window. The little fucking dog put his front two paws up on the windowsill to see what the commotion was outside. He watched for a second as the zombies began to close in. Then he turned his head to me and cocked it to one side. I knew exactly what he was asking.

  “No fucking way!” I growled. “It’s not our concern.” One of the dog’s ears perked up while the other remained slumped over. His expression didn’t change. “There’s no way I can help them. They are going to die. Just watch and see if we can learn anything from it.”

  The dog didn’t seem very pleased with my answer. He slowly moved his gaze to the people outside and then let out a loud and piercing “bark!”

  Like lightning, I ducked down behind cover and grabbed the dog by his scruff. “Are you out of your fucking mind?!” I whispered harshly through my teeth. The dog pulled and tugged, but I was not letting him go. Then, I heard the woman’s voice from outside.

  “Did you hear that? A dog!”

  “Which house?” the man screamed.

  “I don’t know!”

  The dog seemed to be listening to their conversation as well because he chimed in with another loud “Bark.”

  “There!” The woman shouted with her voice drawing closer.

  I looked to the dog with utter disgust on my face, and he looked back at me beaming with pride.

  “You fuck!” I hissed. “They are not coming inside.”

  From just outside the front door I could hear the big man’s booming voice. “Hello?!”

  The dog took in a breath to repeat his calling, but I quickly clamped my hand down over his muzzle, and the only sound that came from him sounded like a muffled whelp. I could hear the moaning getting closer, and I knew that these two were going to be dead soon.

  “Please! Help us!” the terrified woman pleaded. Little did she know that pleading for compassion with someone like me was tantamount to pleading for compassion from a rock. I didn’t have it to give, and I couldn’t give less of a shit.

  The dog attempted to bark again, and I could feel his tiny muzzle flex in my grip as he attempted to open his dumb mouth. Again, all that came out was a muffled sound no louder than a stifled sneeze. The big man called out.

  “Open the door! Or we are going to DIE out here!”

  Well, obviously. I thought. I slowly tried to sneak my head up towards the portion of window that would allow me to see their impending doom. As the couple came into view, I saw the woman staring right at me. Her eyes were a vibrant and icy blue, and the fear of being eaten alive gave them a glimmer she probably wouldn’t have had otherwise. I expected her to scream out to the big man and give away my hiding spot or call out to me for help. But, she didn’t do either of those things. I sunk back down to my hiding spot and popped another fruity candy in my mouth. Why didn’t she react to seeing me? I thought. Maybe she was in shock and wasn’t sure that she saw me at all. Maybe she thought I was a reflection or a trick of the light. Or, just maybe, she had her throat ripped out by a zombie before she could say anything. Unfortunately for me, none of these were true.

  “Kick open the door.” She said flatly.

  “That’ll leave us exposed!”

  “We can’t be more exposed than we already are! Kick it open, or we will get eaten out here.”

  “Stand back.”

  Fuck! I released the dog’s muzzle and ran to the door. I couldn’t have this giant kick an opening into my fortress. I flung open the door just as the big man released a kick that landed squarely in my solar plexus. Every ounce of air in my body came streaming from my mouth in record time. As my body flew back, I saw the look of shock on the big man’s face that told me he was just as surprised by me as I was of his oversized boot in my chest. Behind him, the pretty woman stood with her arms crossed watching as
my body hit the floor.

  “Oh, god! I’m sorry!” he panted as he ran inside and pulled me to my feet much faster than I would have liked.

  “No problem…” I said. But to be honest, my words sounded more like a cat giving birth.

  The girl walked in and shut the door just as the first zombie made it to my driveway. She turned and looked through the keyhole.

  “Shit.” she said. “They’re still coming.”

  “Ya think?” I asked sarcastically “How many are there?”

  She looked again through the peephole, and without turning back she said, “Only about nine.”

  “Only?” I asked. “How many do you suppose it would take to push that door over? Thank you so much for bringing them here.”

  “I’m really sorry,” the big man said. We didn’t have anywhere else to go. We heard your dog, and figured it was a sign from God.”

  “Sure,” I agreed. “God wants us all to die together.”

  The big guy looked down and saw my bag of weapons by his feet. It was like the world stopped just for him. His eyes teared up, and his voice raised to preteen levels.

  “Is that what I think it is?” He squealed.

  “Big bag of guns. Knock yourself out.”

  He dove into the bag like a child excitedly rifling through a bag of treats on Halloween night. His hands were a blur as he shoved some seemingly random rectangle into another seemingly random gun with a ‘click’ that seemed almost orgasmic to him. His mouth watered as he cocked and unlocked every gun in front of him. Once he was satisfied with his weapon choices, he nodded to the girl who opened the door. How a man that size could move so fast was beyond me. I watched as he danced gracefully from one zombie to the next blowing large chunks of their sloshy brains out onto my lawn and driveway. The look on his face as he literally blew faces off of the zombies was one of pure unabashed joy. This was a man who has found his calling. I worried for a moment that he would steal my glory of destroying the business man, but as I looked, I couldn’t see the business man anywhere. I guess he had business to attend to elsewhere.

  His excited dance of undead destruction took less than a minute. Nine zombies were reduced to motionless piles of filth with a speed I’d never seen before. The big guy came back inside with a little extra pep in his step.

  “We should be okay for now,” he said with his breath coming in short deep pants. Not from overexertion, mind you, he was out of breath from excitement. “The gunshots will attract more to the area, but they won’t know which house.”

  I looked at him and realized that this man might be good to have around. At least for a while.

  I could dust off my human disguise for a little while at least. Try to keep myself safe for a little while longer. But this girl, what can she provide?

  I turned my gaze to the girl and immediately noticed the way the fabric of her shirt clung to her sweaty body. I hadn’t noticed before how her eyes had an electricity behind them that was magnetic. Her skin was nearly bone white and completely flawless. Not a blemish to be seen. Her eyes met mine, and then she quickly looked away. Well, maybe this could get interesting.

  “Where’s the dog who saved us?” the big guy asked, looking around.

  As if on cue, the skitter of small paws on tile could be heard. Then, bounding around the corner was the little cretin. The small dog wagged his tail excitedly at the new people. How he knew where to look with the Jujyfruits box covering his face was beyond me.

  You son of a bitch. I thought. That was MY candy.

  “There he is!” I smiled wide, pretending not to be wishing a painful death on the dog.

  The big man began to tear up, and he dropped to his knees to greet the dog. “God sent you here to save us, didn’t he?”

  IF God did exist, I would be thanking him that eyes roll silently. I never understood people who believe God is responsible for everything. If a woman gives birth, they say it’s a miracle; if it dies that same night, it’s part of his plan. How many of these “god people” are left in the world, and how many are still telling people that this is all part of his plan?

  “I know God sent you…” the large man whispered to the dog loud enough for me to hear.

  “Yeah…” I said. He’s my little angel.” Then I peeked my head around the corner that he came from to see a perfectly UN-CHEWED pile of the disgusting black licorice Jujyfruits. Thanks for leaving those, you fucker.

  The big man looked up and the little dog licked the tears that were streaming down his face.

  “His breath is so minty!” he laughed. I laughed too while I imagined my favorite green Jujyfruits clogging the dog’s windpipe. The big guy used the back of his hand to wipe his face and then thrust his hand up towards me. “Jack!” He burped. “Jack Hoffman.” I stifled a laugh as I shook his hand.

  “Jack Hoffman?” I clarified. He nodded almost unaware of the obvious fact that his name sounded like ‘Jack off men.’ I instantly realized that the overwhelming size of this man probably made every other child in school afraid to make fun of his name; therefore, he probably never got made fun of for “jacking off men.” My eyes teared up as I gnashed the inside of my cheeks to keep from laughing.

  “Jeffrey. Er, Jeff,” I said as I shook his hand. Is this the hand you use to Jack off men? I thought to myself knowing full well he could kill me in one punch if I gave him enough of a reason.

  I crossed the room to greet the woman like a normal person, and as I did, I stepped on that stupid dinosaur toy that the dog keeps trying to give me. I quickly kicked it into the dining room, and the dog bounded off after it. The beautiful woman held out a delicate hand towards me.

  “I’m Sara.”

  I touched her hand, and it was surprisingly warm and soft.

  “Nice to meet you,” I said, looking directly into her eyes and trying to get a good read on her.

  “And who is that?” she asked motioning to the dog.

  Well, shit! I thought. I’ve just been calling him ‘fucker’ for the longest time. I can’t say that’s his name, even though it is miles better than ‘Jack off men.’ At the very moment I was contemplating the question, the dog approached me and dropped his toy back at my feet where it landed with a squeak. I looked at the toy and found my inspiration.

  “This is Rex.”

  Chapter 10

  How long will these people stay here?

  It’s been three days since “Rex” invited them to stay with us, and already I wanted to kill them. Jack has recited almost every passage of the Bible to me twice, and Sara has complained about my lack of real food every four hours.

  I don’t care what you say, Hot Tamales cinnamon candy is one hundred percent of your daily nutritional needs based on a two thousand calorie diet.

  Jack asked me where my Bible was after he couldn’t find one in my house. Rather than go through the whole ‘your beliefs are a fairy tale’ argument, I told him I loaned it to a friend who was going through a real ‘tough time.’

  “That’s why I always keep two in my house at all times!” He exclaimed pulling one of the heavy black and gold books from his backpack and handing it to me. “What’s your favorite part?” he asked beaming with glory.

  “Well, it’s all so good…” I started. I actually am pretty proficient in bible knowledge. I used to go to church with my ex wife. She was fairly religious, and belief in a higher power was a solid sign of humanity, so it suited my disguise perfectly.

  “I’ll tell you what I’ve been thinking a lot about lately,” he said while pulling open the holy book to dog eared pages. “ISAIAH 26:19-20…”

  I nodded like I knew exactly what he was talking about.