Knocking on Helen's Door

by Eve Langlais

  Upon seeing the flames dancing in his eyes, Helen did the sign of the cross and screamed, “It’s the devil!”

  6

  The ninth circle disappeared overnight, and no one noticed until the morning. But once the Hellwork got wind…

  It was everywhere. HellBC. The New Hell Times. Hellbook. The titles accompanying the articles varied only slightly.

  “Dark Lord Losing His Grip Along With the Ninth Ring.”

  “Is This the End of Hell As We Know It?”

  The Antifa, sent to hell during a purge after their last round of rioting, began a campaign in the seventh ring that involved defunding the legion. Joke was on them. The legion worked for free. But a perk of the job was they got to pound on the Antifa agitators and take all their things. After all, sharing was equitable.

  But the underlying message was Lucifer’s minions, damned and demon alike, were losing faith in him. And he didn’t know how to stop it.

  Gaia patted him on the back. “There, there, Luc. If the rings get devoured and your kingdom disappears, you can always live in my garden.”

  The Garden of Eden, with all its healthy growing things where he’d have almost no power. Where Lucifer would be a lesser demon relying on his wife to survive. It was beyond emasculating.

  “Shouldn’t you be worried? What if this thing comes after you next?” he snapped.

  “Testy, testy. Did Jujube keep you up last night?”

  “Our daughter is a demanding wench, just like her mother.” She’d insisted they care for their progeny themselves. Didn’t Gaia remember how tending them would lead to liking them? Liking them always made it harder to kill them later on when they betrayed him.

  So far, Muriel was almost thirty and still not interested in his throne, but of late, he had to wonder about his oldest living child, Bambi. She’d gone from biddable to confident with authority. Never a good sign. Plus, he kept hearing rumors she was seeing someone. But who? Because War’s armor was rusting with the tears he’d shed after being jilted.

  Lucifer didn’t like being in the dark. He also didn’t like being made a fool. Which was why, after his wife’s offer, he stood on the edge of the eighth ring, within inches of the border, and did his best to sound confidant and reassuring to the crowd as he said, “I am sure that, whatever is happening out there in the Wilds, we needn’t worry. Think of it as our dimension adjusting to recent drops in numbers.” Blah. Blah. Blah. He spun them a line of bullshit that could almost be believed. Numbers were down, and the kingdom was resizing so as to not waste space.

  Some people swallowed the lie. Others saw the holes in his explanation. Especially the older demons and beings who remembered the emptiness of Hell after the hundred-year war with Heaven. Whole neighborhoods went quiet, and yet they’d not lost a single foot of any ring. What was different this time?

  Lucifer dressed casually in his new jumpsuit so as not to appear worried. The material was covered in fanged and evil pineapples chewing on people. Like a tri-dimensional image, as he shifted so did the images, so it appeared as if they truly were grinding up bones and flesh. Usually his outfits were a crowd pleaser. Only the damned and demonic didn’t admire him this time but rather remained riveted by the fog. It didn’t help that every so often someone suddenly ran past him to be swallowed by the mist.

  “Nothing to worry about,” Lucifer said. His words fell on frightened, deaf ears.

  “Why haven’t you fixed it? Are you scared?” someone dared to ask.

  Lucifer would have smitten them, but the damned couldn’t exactly be killed. Tortured yes, but only the pit could recycle the dead souls that ended up in his kingdom.

  A demon made it worse by saying, “Don’t question the Dark Lord’s plan.”

  Lucifer only wished he had a fucking plan that didn’t involve stepping into that fog. He could swear it taunted him. Dared him to enter. Teased him.

  “Yellow-bellied coward.”

  Wait, that was a damned one calling him a yellow belly. He turned his glare on Lester, a guy who used to swindle women out of money when they brought their cars in for repair. He’d served his time but remained a dick. A snap of Lucifer’s fingers sent Lester for further punishment, but the insult remained.

  Lucifer steeled himself, ready to show them all he didn’t fear by walking into the mist, when Bambi appeared.

  “Dark Lord!” she called to him. “A moment of your time.”

  He stifled his relief as he replied, “I’m terribly busy.”

  “I know. Apologies.” She even dipped into a curtsy so respectful with her eyes downcast it made him sick until she shot him a sly glance through her lashes. “It is a matter of urgency, your excellency.”

  “Then let’s make haste. I’ll be back later for this,” he declared as he snapped his fingers and brought the two of them back to his castle.

  “Looks like I rescued you in time,” she said the moment they arrived.

  “I’m not a coward.” The devil feared nothing except his wife on a rampage.

  “I must have misread the situation. If you’d like to return and check out that mist, my news can wait.”

  He glared. “You lied about the urgency?”

  “Well duh. I had to since I didn’t want you going into that fog. As a matter of fact, I’d recommend staying far away. We can’t afford to lose you.” Her concern made him frown until she added, “Hell must have a leader so no doing anything rash before we have a proper replacement.” For a while, he thought he had a son who would challenge him, but Chris—raised to believe he was the antichrist—turned out to be Elyon’s indiscretion.

  “As if anyone could take my place,” Lucifer blustered, ignoring the fact he finally had a true son. A cute little helpless thing. They choked so easily at this age. Who knew, maybe the little shit might even live long enough to try and mutiny against his Father.

  If his mother didn’t kill him first. Good news was she appeared to be over her postpartum depression and just in time. He’d been worried she’d heard about the rumors that Jujube would kill her and take her place. But after a few tense moments, where he’d snared his wife’s wrist as she held a knife over the crib, and the time he’d caught her tossing Jujube into the pond, she appeared to have adjusted to motherhood.

  Bambi snapped her fingers. “Yoohoo. Hell to Lucifer. I lost you there for a second. You okay?”

  “Never better. Although I could do without this sudden fake affection you’re showing me. What is the real reason you came to get me?”

  “Because I thought you’d want to hear the news. Heaven’s on high alert. Apparently, an angel has gone missing after committing a boatload of sins. Presumed to have escaped to Earth.”

  “Really?” His expression brightened. He rubbed his hands and said, “This I’ve got to see!”

  7

  The devil smiled at Helen. He was a charming thing with dimples that made him more handsome than he should be.

  “I see you’ve heard of me.” Lucifer sounded quite pleased. “All bad, I hope.”

  “The worst!” Helen exclaimed.

  “You flatterer.” The demon actually pretended to be abashed.

  It seemed her insults catered to his evil ego. “Begone, foul thing. You have no power over me.” She held her fingers in a cross like she’d been taught.

  The devil sighed. “Seriously? Thousands of years and they remain idiots.”

  Even Julio appeared incredulous as he exclaimed, “What the fuck was that supposed to do?”

  Feeling a tad foolish, Helen shrugged. “Everyone knows the symbol of the cross keeps evil at bay.”

  “Who the fuck told you that?” Julio asked.

  Her shoulders rounded. “It is common knowledge that Lucifer fears the Lord’s holy cross.”

  That made the devil snort smoke. “I can’t believe that useless crap is still being taught. But your lack of proper education isn’t why I’m here. Apparently, you’ve been a bad angel, Helen.” He shook a finger at her, the ring on it e
tched into some kind of monster head with winking bright green eyes. It matched the green on his satin pants and vest. He didn’t appear as she’d imagined.

  Her teachers had described the devil as a massive monster with horns and hooves. Evil in his gaze. Not a dimple in his cheek. Or a flower in his buttonhole.

  “I am not bad. I did nothing wrong,” she said, defending her innocence.

  “Lie!” the devil yelled.

  She flushed. “Only a little one. I admit to walking outside after curfew.”

  The devil made a noise. “They wouldn’t have condemned you for wandering after dark. According to the warrant for your capture, it’s much worse.”

  “Warrant?” She knew what they were. After all, Heaven sometimes had troublemakers.

  The devil snapped his fingers, and her image appeared. Her name written underneath, along with a listing of her crimes.

  “Being sought for the subversion of cherubs. Illegal association with humans. The smuggling of banned items from the Hell plane.” Her voice raised in pitch with each ridiculous claim. “I didn’t do anything on that list.”

  “Truth!” The devil wrinkled his nose. “Ugh. That did not feel good.”

  “Someone is making false accusation against her?” Julio asked.

  “Apparently someone is mad at little Helen here. What’d you do? Piss in their cereal? Short sheet their bed? This is Heaven. Maybe you forgot to say a prayer a thousand times every single day.”

  “No. Never.” She sought to follow the devil’s rapid-fire speech and the accusations he made. How dare Lucifer accuse her of wrongdoing? Her only crime was walking outside. It didn’t deserve this punishment, especially given what she’d seen others doing.

  “Doesn’t matter what you did,” Julio pointed out. “The fact of the matter is someone is angry enough they’re pulling out all the stops to ensure you don’t make it back to Heaven.”

  “This is because of Michelina and the angel she was…” She trailed off, unable to repeat the blasphemy she’d seen with the devil leering in anticipation.

  “Go on, Helen. Tell us what you saw. In detail. Lots of detail.” Lucifer rubbed his hands.

  “No. What they were doing was a sin. And once I expose them, everyone will see the lies being told about me and know I’m innocent.”

  Lucifer barked with laughter. “So naïve. From the sounds of it, you caught one of the Archangels fucking. And they are not people you want to cross.”

  “Angels do not fornicate. Only humans and animals do.”

  Again, the devil laughed. “The dumb is strong in you, but I digress. My babies won’t sleep for much longer, which means I need to finish this conversation. There is a warrant for your arrest.”

  “Let them arrest me, then. I shall prove my innocence.” She lifted her chin.

  The Dark Lord turned to Julio and said, “Is she really that dumb?”

  The reaper shrugged. “It would seem so.” He then turned to her and said slowly, “I highly doubt you’ll make it to Heaven alive if you turn yourself in.”

  “Someone wants you dead, dear Helen, and that is a problem,” the devil stated. “Currently, you are too good for Hell, but Heaven doesn’t want you either. Meaning, if you die, you’ll end up in Limbo.”

  “The nothing place.” A shiver went through her.

  “What can she do to avoid that?” Julio asked.

  “It would only take a little sinning to join the most awesome club in the universe. Become one of my minions and you’ll live forever, short of severe injury or decapitation.”

  “I don’t want to be a demon.” The very idea horrified.

  “Oh, you wouldn’t be a demon. But I have plenty of positions perfect for a fallen angel.”

  “I won’t become a citizen of Hell.” She lifted her chin. “I am wrongly accused. I will prove my innocence and return to Heaven.”

  For some reason both Julio and the devil laughed, hard enough the Dark Lord wiped his eyes.

  “Oh, goodness, you’re a rare one. An angel with a sense of humor. Love it. Wish I could stay and chuckle some more, but duty calls. Julio, I want you to take special care of Helen for me.”

  A puzzled expression creased Julio’s face. “You want me to reap her soul?”

  “Only if someone does manage to kill her. Otherwise, the poor girl needs a guide in this world.”

  “I’m not a teacher,” he growled.

  “Never say never. I’ve had some of my finest orgasms with eager pupils.” With a wink and a snap of his fingers, the devil disappeared.

  But the offer he’d made to become one of his evil minions lingered like the sulfur stench of him.

  Never.

  8

  “Well, that was fun.”

  Not.

  Julio had gotten used to the devil popping in at the Grim Dating office, but by himself? That was a first. And then to assign him cultural duties with an angel who redefined stubborn? Like fuck.

  “You serve the Dark Lord,” she stated.

  “Yeah, but only because no one else will touch us. Your boss up there pretends we don’t exist. Angels tend to give us the cold shoulder, too. Limbo is still leaderless. The Dark Lord ensures we have a home and a purpose.”

  “Seems a dark purpose to me.”

  He shrugged. “Death is only dark if you see it as the end. For many, it’s a new beginning.”

  “When angels die, we become part of our Father, who is resting in Heaven.”

  “If you say so.” And then because he couldn’t help himself, “Do you really think Elyon is your Father?”

  “As much as you know the devil is yours.”

  “The devil isn’t my dad. My dad was a piece of shit who beat me. My mom worked three jobs and dropped dead of a heart attack. I was an asshole while alive. When I died, the devil offered a chance to become something better. A reaper.” Lucifer had given Julio a job with purpose.

  “And that was a good thing?”

  He smiled. “Fuck yeah, it was. I became less of an asshole.”

  “Well, our Father, who created Heaven, made me. Makes everyone.”

  “Not everyone. Humans fornicate, remember?” He winked as he reminded her.

  She blushed. It was really too cute. She bit her lip. “Not angels.”

  “Then how are you made?”

  “I don’t know. Do you?” The query was much too eager.

  He frowned. “How can you not know? Don’t angels have sex and pop out babies like everyone else?” Even demons procreated that way.

  “No!” she hotly exclaimed, her cheeks bright red. “Babies arrive by stork. No one seems to know where they come from.”

  “Stork?” The ridiculousness of it almost had him laughing until he saw her serious expression. “Fuck me, they really do exist? I thought the stork thing was a myth.”

  The shake of her head sent her curls dancing. “It’s true. Cherubs arrive by stork.”

  “From where?”

  Her shoulders rolled. “I don’t know. Although I did know another nanny who said something about cabbage patches.”

  “The doll?” he asked. Weren’t they a fad in the eighties or nineties?

  She pursed her lips. “Dolls are the devil’s toys.”

  The very fact she believed it filled him with pity. “Oh, Curls. You’ve got so much to learn.”

  “Not from you, I don’t. I won’t do the devil’s bidding.” She lifted her chin.

  “You’re gonna conquer the world on your own?”

  “I don’t need to conquer. I shall have truth as my sword. My integrity as my shield.”

  His steps slowed as they reached the offices of Grim Dating. “You think you can do this on your own, then I guess this is where we part ways, Curls. If you change your mind and need me, call.” He flipped out a card and pressed it into her hand. “Good luck.”

  “You’re leaving?”

  “Yup. That’s my office. Sure you don’t want my help settling in?”

  “Never, demon
ic minion!”

  He snorted. “Suit yourself.” With a wave, Julio left her and crossed the street.

  He could have sworn he felt her staring between the shoulder blades. An incredible urge filled him to turn around to march right back. She was too innocent to be wandering around on her own. Innocent being another word for dumb. She’d probably end up mugged or worse within the hour.

  Not his problem. If it was her time, nothing he did could change that. The Final Destination movies had gotten that part right. Only it wasn’t an invisible force that made sure order was kept but a squad of Death Marines who appeared out of nowhere and left as eerily, the human shell dead, the soul bound and gagged for Hell.

  The devil ordered me to teach her. Couldn’t teach someone who wouldn’t listen.

  Still, the reminder of his orders had him turning around to glance back at Helen, only to realize she’d left already. How long before she either ended up dead or called the number on the card?

  Entering the Grim Dating headquarters, he barely noticed the slick chrome and marble. Everything was brand spanking new and ash free. He had to admit he liked the new digs and the perks. Earth-side, he got to enjoy everything from food to music to the amenities that didn’t always work so well in Hell, like kick-ass sound systems and video games.

  More than a few mommas’ basement-dwelling darlings got a shock when they arrived in Hell to discover their slovenly, lazy behavior meant an eternity of working the slop jobs and at the end of their shift? Sixty-nine channels of nothing on the Hell-tube.

  The angel he’d met would have her entire worldview rattled. He’d heard of living a sheltered life. Apparently, it didn’t compare with a brain-washed, heavenly resident.

  Julio waved hello to security as he made his way to the top floor with the executive offices. Because hell yeah, he’d made executive. He even had a door with his name. Field Operation Manager being his formal title. Mostly, he made sure the demons and denizens from Hell that were brought Earth-side for hookups behaved, and if they didn’t? He dragged them in kicking and screaming, sometimes with their pants still around their ankles.