Feels Like the First Time

by Casey McMillin

  I thought about what she said but didn't respond. I had no idea how to practice that type of thing. I didn't expect her to tell me I needed to get busy, and I caught myself regretting sharing the idea with her. I dreaded her holding me accountable for practicing and hoped she would forget I ever said anything.

  "I assumed with everything that you've been through, that you knew what a beautiful young lady you were, but I feel like I should say it out loud just in case you needed to hear it."

  "Why do you say that—because I want to go into DJing instead of TV?"

  She smiled. "No. I say it because you assumed you didn't deserve someone as good as the Cross brothers.

  My eyes got huge.

  "What? It's a small town, and I wasn't going to lie to you if I knew who you were talking about. I don't know them personally, but I think they're very nice boys and I'm proud of you for picking up on that."

  I rolled my eyes at her, but she knew I was joking. "It's impossible not to pick up on their niceness," I said. "I'm not a genius for thinking they're nice. I'd have to be an idiot not to. They're the type of boys that help little old ladies across the street."

  She laughed. "I've actually seriously seen Caleb Cross helping Mrs. Innis to her car with her groceries before."

  I felt the blood rush to my face at the sound of his name. She had no way of knowing it was Caleb I was talking about, so I tried to act as unaffected as possible. She didn't say anymore about the Cross brothers, but we talked for another twenty minutes before my time was up. I left there thinking therapy was a bunch of BS and I didn't really like her, but the more I thought about our conversation once I got home, the more I realized how much I respected her opinions.

  Coleen brought me to get a phone and do some school shopping, and I went to bed that night thinking about ways I could begin to practice my DJing skills.

  School started later that week, and before I knew it I was a few weeks in to my senior year at Hillsboro high. I took Caleb Cross' advice and didn't tell anyone about my past. I guess I just assumed everyone would find out and I wanted to take a preemptive strike but so far, no one had said anything and I was content to not talk about it.

  I hung out with Esther a few times during the first couple weeks of school, but we were both busy and neither of us were really the type to force a friendship. She had a lot going on with cheerleading and the beginning of football season and I had a lot going on with adjusting to Hillsboro and life in Arkansas as a whole. I was content to have a friendly chat when I ran into her, but didn't feel like I needed to call and check in or anything.

  Coleen ended up teaching me to drive and giving me her car, which was a lifesaver since otherwise I'd be stuck in the middle of the country. Not that I really went anywhere when she did give me the car, but at least I had the option.

  I'd been practicing my DJing skills faithfully since Dr. Briggs suggested it. I lived with my earbuds glued to my ears. Earl and Coleen joked that they were permanently attached. I had a ton of music on my phone, and I carried it around with me everywhere I went. I was getting more comfortable with hearing my own voice by the day. I would pause the music in between songs and speak into thin air as if there was really an audience listening.

  A few weeks into my quest to be a radio personality, I decided to call the student radio station at the college in Fayetteville. It was an hour and a half away, but definitely the best option for me to get a little exposure before I go to college.

  It was Friday evening when I happened to call up there and Mark, the guy I spoke with, was in the mood to help me out. He said his show was from 5 to 9 every Friday night and he'd be happy to have me around as an intern if I was willing to work for free. I knew I'd have to get another job just to pay for the gas to drive up there each week, but it was worth it and I was extremely excited.

  Earl and Coleen (who had witnessed my crazy DJ behavior lately) were totally supportive of me driving up to Fayetteville every week. They were probably just relieved that my ramblings we're turning out to be more than just that. They agreed to pay for my gas as long as I kept my grades up, but I still applied at several places for part-time work.

  I was used to having a little cash on hand and it sucked to ask Earl and Coleen for everything I needed and wanted. By the time I was a month into my senior year, I had already started my job as an intern at the college radio station, and was about to start my part-time job at a hole-in-the-wall burger place near the high school. It was probably too much to take on, but I found that keeping busy helped me start to forget the past four years. I still wasn't hopeful about turning out normal, but I had to believe there was a chance I could come fairly close.

  Chapter 7

  The burger place I got a job at was a local favorite called Brady's. It was one of those dive joints that did burgers and fries, and nothing else. There was a similar restaurant in Manhattan that my dad loved. I considered not even applying there because it reminded me of him, but I told myself that was stupid. I couldn't base my decisions on things that reminded me of him, because lots of things did. After all, he was my dad till I was thirteen.

  "Whatcha thinking about?" Thomas said, sneaking up from behind me as I was spacing out on the empty tables. It had been a busy evening at Brady's, but by eight o'clock, the place was almost empty.

  "Nothing," I said. "I'm probably gonna see if I can take off since we're so slow. I have a long day tomorrow."

  "You going to homecoming?"

  I looked at him like he must be joking. I was so over high school that going to homecoming had never even occurred to me. Thomas just gawked at me like he couldn't believe I wasn't going.

  "I heard a random guy shout out an invitation to me to go with him to the dance in the hallway the other day, but I just ignored him like I ignore the other idiots."

  "I don't think he was an idiot for asking you to the dance," Thomas said. He meant it more as a reprimand for me being so mean to that guy and not as a complement to me, but I still smiled.

  "Thanks, but there's no way I would even consider going to one of those dances."

  "You mean you're not going to your senior prom?" he asked.

  I couldn't believe he was so shocked by that and I let out a little laugh. "I don't have a single bone in my body that wants to go to one of those things or thinks I'd be missing anything if I don't. Why are you so obsessed with them?" I knew Thomas had graduated high school a couple of years before, and didn't understand his fondness for high school dances.

  "I went to all of them with my girlfriend. We always got a limo with a bunch of other people in the marching band. It was pretty much the coolest part of high school."

  "That's definitely not my thing."

  He stared at me like he couldn't figure me out.

  "What?" I finally asked.

  "I just don't understand. You know, with the way you look at everything," he said.

  I gave him an offended look. "What's that supposed to mean?"

  Thomas threw his hands up innocently. "I was trying to say you're hot and I'm surprised a girl like you isn't on the homecoming court, much less not going to the dance."

  My expression softened. "That's a really sweet thing to say, but no, it's definitely not my thing. I just keep my head down and go to my classes. I'm not really friends with any of those people."

  "That's not what I heard. I heard you were popular. I heard you were friends with Esther Cross."

  I laughed. "Popular? Who in the world said that?"

  "I saw you talking to Esther myself when she came in here the other day. You two were chatting it up like you were besties."

  "Did you just say besties?"

  "You know what I mean. You two looked like you were best friends when she came in the other day. She's probably the most popular person at Hillsboro. You should have seen her brothers. I graduated between them and they were both like the most popul—"

  "I talk to Esther sometimes, but that's because she's my neighbor."

  T
homas and I were standing at the servers' station trying to look like we were busy. I was refilling ketchup bottles and he was wiping everything down.

  "I just think it's weird that you're not even thinking about going to any of these dances. It's your senior year."

  "I know, you said that. I just honestly have no interest. Homecoming's not even an option anyway. I'm working at the radio station tomorrow night."

  "You mentioned that the other day. What do you do?"

  "Right now I just help this guy Mark who has a rock show every Friday night. He's cool and he said he'll let me jump in sometime."

  "What do you mean by jump in?"

  "You know, like talk on the air and be part of the radio show."

  "Are you serious?" Thomas looked at me as if the statement made him see me in a whole new light—like he thought I was famous or something.

  I smiled and shook my head at him. "It's just a college radio station," I said.

  One of the only remaining customers was an older lady and her husband, and Thomas looked at them as they stood and made their way to the door.

  "Thanks, have a good night," he said.

  Both of them smiled and waved at Thomas, which I didn't understand. "I don't think they like me very much," I said. We were out of earshot of any one else but I still whispered.

  "Who them?" he asked, motioning to the couple. "They come in all the time. They're the nicest old people ever. They come in late like this, which is weird because all of our other old people are in and out before five."

  "I brought them their burgers and they looked at me like I should be ashamed of myself, especially the wife."

  "Did you answer any of their questions?"

  I cocked a head at him.

  "Did they ask you anything that required you to answer them with a yes or no?"

  I was dumbfounded. I had no idea what he was talking about. "They probably did," I answered tentatively. "Most everyone asks me for napkins or their check or something. I honestly don't remember if they asked me anything or not. I think they did. Why?"

  "Because you don't say ma'am and sir. I've noticed you answering questions with yes or no only, and that's just not something we do down here."

  "What is this, medieval times?"

  "No it's just common respect. You're young and they're old and you put ma'am or sir behind your responses to them."

  "We don't do that in New York," I said. "If I went around putting ma'ams and sirs behind my answers, people would think I was being a smart ass."

  "Seriously?" he asked, as confused by the whole thing as I was. "They're used to hearing it from everybody down here, so they think you're being a smart ass if you don't say it."

  "That's crazy."

  He shrugged. "Yeah, but I bet I am a hundred percent right that it was the reason she looked at you funny."

  I thought he was probably right. I had definitely noticed the abundance of ma'ams and sirs flying around in their interactions down here. It seemed like these types of manners were something I'd have to learn to fit in, but it would be a stretch for me to get used to saying it. I absentmindedly wondered why Earl and Coleen hadn't told me if it was so mandatory, and thought I could probably get by without saying it since I was almost eighteen.

  ****

  A few days later, I found myself doing one of my new favorite things. It was Sunday afternoon, and I didn't have school or work, so I went next door to the neighbor's barn to talk to Cucumber. It all started a few weeks ago when Mr. Cross made a special trip over to the house to encourage me to do so. He said that the horses would love the company and that I was welcome over there anytime. I went over there with him that same day so he could give me a rundown on barn etiquette and safety precautions. I worked two or three dinner shifts at Brady's during the week, and drove to Fayetteville every Friday, but I went to see Cucumber and the rest of the gang any chance I got.

  Earl and Coleen were pleased as punch that I was going over to the Cross' house even though I usually never talked to another human being.

  I was in Cucumber's stall brushing her when Esther peeked her head in. "I thought I'd find you in here," she said.

  "Hey Esther, I didn't even hear you come in," I said, explaining my jumpiness.

  She smiled. "I snuck in." She came in Cucumber's stall and started petting the beautiful, gigantic mare. "Isn't she cool?" she asked.

  "I love her," I said.

  "Dad said you want to learn to ride."

  "I do. I've never tried it."

  "Cucumber's a good choice. She's huge, obviously, but so gentle."

  "I think I'm a little scared of how big she is. That's why I come out here all the time—I'm buttering her up before I try getting on."

  "Dad said he's gonna go out with you. I promise he won't let you get hurt."

  "Your dad said you used to ride her all the time."

  "I did. And still would if I had time. It's just crazy with cheerleading and everything going on at school."

  I wasn't nearly as involved with school as she was, but I nodded in agreement, knowing she was there all the time for one thing or another.

  "I saw Caleb was here this weekend," I said. I hadn't planned on saying it, but I just couldn’t help myself. I saw his truck there Friday night when I got home from Fayetteville and noticed that it was in and out since then.

  "He was. He came in to go to Homecoming with Rose."

  I figured that's what he was there for. Rose was, of course, the homecoming queen, and I was sure the whole thing was a really big deal to them.

  "He asked about you," she continued. I looked over at her with a quizzical glance and she smiled. "Caleb," she clarified. "He asked about you a few different times. It was like he wouldn't drop it."

  Blood rushed to my cheeks, and I took some long stokes on Cucumber's back so Esther couldn't see me. I let out a giggle since I didn't know what else to do and Esther laughed too even though she didn't know what was funny.

  "Is he still in town?" I asked.

  "I think he's gone. He left this morning to go by and see Rose one last time before heading back to school." She smiled at me. "Probably to get one last fix for the road."

  "Fix of what?"

  "You know." Esther looked at me with wide eyes.

  "I thought they didn't do that."

  "Well, they technically don't do it, but she gives him hand jobs."

  I felt the oddest mix of desire and jealousy at the same time when she said that. "How do you know that?" I asked. I thought her brother probably bragged about it to get people off his back about being a virgin.

  "Rose told me. She came crying to me after they did it the first time—asking me if it was a sin."

  "Well how do you know they did it again after that?"

  "Because she tells me just about every time it happens."

  "What do you say?"

  "Nothing. I really don’t want to think about my brother doing that, if you want to know the truth."

  "Does he ever talk about it?"

  "Who, my brother? No way. He doesn't talk about that kind of stuff. Aaron does. I've heard him bragging before, but Caleb never does. I've never heard him talk about it at all."

  I thought about other things Caleb never talked about such as my sorted past that I blurted out to him without even thinking. I was thankful on a daily basis that none of these people knew what I'd done in my past life, and I owed that to Caleb. "I think he's probably a good guy, huh?" I said, continuing to brush Cucumber.

  She laughed. "My brothers are the best. They have me so spoiled that I can't seem to settle on anyone at school."

  "You don't need to settle," I said. "Just wait till you go to college. There will be a much bigger pool to choose from."

  "That's right, I forgot you were the expert because you go over there every week. Caleb asked me why you weren't at homecoming and I told him you were in Fayetteville doing something with the college, but I couldn't remember what. He asked me if you were planning on going
to school there next year."

  "What'd you tell him?"

  "I told him I thought so. Are you?"

  "Yeah, I think so. Earl and Coleen are being really nice about it. They say they want me to go to college and would be willing to help. We're already looking into applying for next fall."

  "I know. Rose is doing the same thing."

  "Where's she trying to go?" I knew the answer would be University of Arkansas in Fayetteville, but it didn't stop me from wanting to hear that she'd be moving somewhere far, far away. Rose was an extremely nice girl and I knew I was probably a terrible person for not liking her, but I just didn't. She was everything I wasn't. Maybe she was everything I wanted to be. Either way, she got on my nerves.

  "UA of course," Esther said, confirming my suspicion that Rose wouldn't even think of going somewhere far away.

  "What are you studying?" she asked.

  "Broadcast Journalism."

  "Oh that's right. I think I remember you saying something about the radio station."

  "Yeah, that's what I do there on Fridays."

  "You should definitely call my brother when you're down there sometime. He'd love to hear from you."

  I gave her the non-committal smile I was so good at. "Yeah, I'll have to get in touch."

  There was no way I could get in touch with Caleb Cross. I was aching for some sexual attention and being in his presence would push me over the edge. I would most assuredly throw myself at him, and I knew the result would be embarrassment for everyone involved, especially me.

  Chapter 8

  A few months passed, and I fell into an extremely busy routine where I didn’t give myself time to think about my past. There was still a fair amount of sorting out to take place, but the embarrassment and shame I felt that night I met the Cross family had lessened considerably over the last few months. I assumed Caleb Cross never told anyone about my past because nobody at school seemed to know about it. Or maybe I was just too preoccupied to notice if anyone did. Anyway, as far as I knew, my past transgressions were a secret, and I found that I quite liked it that way.