Feels Like the First Time

by Casey McMillin

  "Because I told Mom I was coming by to see Cucumber on my way back to Fayetteville and she said you usually take her out on Sunday afternoons. When she wasn't in her stall, I knew you were out with her. I tried to find you before the storm came in but couldn't."

  "Did you take a horse out to look for me?" I had never seen him ride before and took pleasure in the image that crossed my mind.

  "Well, I didn't walk," he said.

  "Who'd you take?"

  "I took Buster, but it doesn't matter. I obviously didn't find you, and spent the last hour thinking you were dead in a ditch somewhere."

  I laughed, knowing he was just giving me a hard time.

  He smiled at me. "I like your hair," he said. It was a soaking wet mess at the moment, but probably a few inches longer than the last time he'd seen me. I hadn't had a haircut since I came to Arkansas, and it had grown out quite a bit.

  "It's sort of a bad hair day, but thanks," I said smiling. "I like yours too." It looked like it had been a while since his last haircut too, and it hung over his forehead in messy, wet waves. I wanted to give into the desire to flirt with him and make my vulnerability obvious, but he wasn't the type to cheat on his girlfriend and I knew that. I would have only embarrassed myself. He did a good job at keeping things innocent between us and I acted accordingly.

  "How are things going at Hillsboro?" he asked.

  "Fine, I guess. I keep to myself mostly."

  "Esther said you're making friends."

  "Maybe a few," I said, "but that's only because they don't give me a choice."

  "She also said you drive over to Fayetteville once a week to work at the radio station. I told her you should call me when you're there."

  "Oh, I just drive in for that one radio show and come straight back home. I don't stay and hang out or anything."

  "What do you do at the radio show?"

  "I was just helping out this guy Mark, but lately I've been on the air a little."

  "Seriously? I can't believe it! What time does the show come on? I'm going to listen."

  "It's from five till nine on Fridays."

  "You should call me. We could hang out when you're done."

  "Yeah, I don't really think that's a good idea," I said.

  He looked confused. I wasn't about to tell him that he was a greater temptation than I was capable of handling, so I said, "It's already pretty late when I get home after work, and I hate to be on the road so late." That was a total lie. I didn't care how late I stayed out. When I was in New York, I'd stay out till sunrise without batting an eye. He smiled as if he understood my point and part of me was pissed that he gave up so easily.

  "Are you going to prom next week?" he asked.

  I narrowed my eyes at him. "Yeah right," I said. I didn't return the question. I knew he was coming back to town to go to prom with Rose. I was around her enough to have heard her plans several times. I wanted him to say something to the effect of how much he was dreading it, but he never did.

  We were just quiet for a few seconds.

  "Mom said you're planning on going to college in Fayetteville this fall," he said. "Maybe then we can hang out when you won't have so far to drive home."

  "Oh, I'll still have to drive once I start school. I'm going to live here and commute."

  "Are you serious?" he asked.

  "No, I'm kidding, I'm gonna to live in the dorms."

  He laughed. "I'm sure people have done it, but that would suck going an hour and a half both ways."

  "I know, I do it every Friday."

  I imagined him saying, "Well, you should just spend the night at my apartment on Friday instead of driving back. We can have hot sex and then we'll snuggle all night and you can drive back on Saturday," but he didn't say that. Instead he asked, "Will you work more at the radio station once you start school?"

  "I'm sure I will since that'll be my major, but we'll see how it all pans out."

  "Will you come to some of my games?" he asked.

  He was probably just asking me as a friend, but I was so darn attracted to him that it felt like he was teasing me. "Rose will be at school there too. I'm sure she'll be at all of them," I said. There was an edge of bitterness to my voice that I could tell he picked up on.

  "There's probably room for both of you in the stands," he said.

  I regarded him with a sincere expression. "I don't think so," I said. I'm sure he was trying to figure out what I meant by that exactly, but I really didn't feel like explaining. He could take from it what he wanted.

  He started to say something but reconsidered and shut his mouth. Then he took Cucumber's reins from me and led her to her stall. I knew he thought I was going to wait around, but I was desperate for his attention and apparently couldn't be around him without putting my foot in my mouth.

  "Thanks for worrying about me!" I yelled as I headed out the door. "I'm going to head on home while it's slacked off out here!"

  I looked back and could see that he peered around the corner and contemplated going after me, but I just smiled, waved, and turned to run back to Earl's.

  Chapter 10

  The following weekend was prom, and I hadn't planned on going, but Thomas and Esther both gave me such grief that I was forced to reconsider. They just couldn't fathom that a reasonable person would miss her senior prom. Neither of them would drop the subject, so by the middle of the week, I finally gave in. And even then, the only reason I did was because Esther said she'd take care of everything for me. She said I could wear the dress she wore the year before, which was just simple and white and no one would notice.

  She set me up with a guy named Jake that graduated the year before with her brother. He played baseball with Caleb, but didn't go on to play in college. He still lived in town, so I figured he wasn't going to college at all. I didn't really know his story but assumed I would find out more later that night.

  Esther and her date, Ryan Jamison, had plans to ride with Rose and Caleb. They were supposed to meet several other couples at the fanciest restaurant we had out here in the sticks, which was a decent enough steak house. Esther assured me that everyone wanted Jake and me to come along, and well, pretty much told me plans were set and I didn’t have a choice but to go.

  I knew who Jake was. He was a good-looking guy and I figured Esther was trying to make some sort of match between us. I couldn't think of any other reason she would be so adamant about me going.

  Esther was smaller than me, but she assured me the dress was a little big on her the year before and that it would fit me perfectly. I tried it on the Thursday night before prom, and found that it was the definition of skin-tight. I actually had to watch what I ate that Friday and Saturday to be able to move in it. When I lived with my aunt, I was skinny as a rail, but I had developed a few curves over the last months (which I attribute to Coleen's cooking). The dress was definitely form fitting, but Esther assured me that was how it was supposed to look and went on and on about how she wished she would have filled it out like I did. I always thought saying filled it out was just a nice way of saying you're fat, but she insisted on how great I looked and how jealous she was. I knew she was just trying to make me feel good since I didn't want to be there in the first place, but it was working. By the time Esther had me put together, I felt like a million bucks.

  Caleb had baseball practice up in Fayetteville, and was planning on rolling into town with just enough time to shower and put on his suit. He arrived before any of our dates, and I got nervous to the point of nausea when I saw his truck pulling up the driveway while looking out Esther's bedroom window.

  She and I had just finished getting dressed. We had borrowed a basket full of hair tools and accessories from her mom, and Esther had gone downstairs to bring them back. I could have gone downstairs to run into Caleb intentionally, but I was too nervous for that, so I just stayed in Esther's room. She had left the door half-open when she went downstairs, and I took the earbuds out of my ears to see if I could hear anything from d
ownstairs. I heard him close the door, but didn't hear anything else for a full minute. I figured no one else had heard him come in.

  "You're already dressed?" I finally heard him say. It was Caleb, and I assumed he was talking to—

  "I started at like three thirty, stupid," Esther said. "You better go get in the shower. Ryan and Jake will be here in a minute, and they'll already be dressed."

  "Jake?" he asked.

  There was a silence.

  "Jake Jones?" he asked.

  "Do we know any other Jakes?"

  "Why's Jake coming over?"

  "He's coming with us."

  "Who's he going to prom with?" he asked.

  I knew my name was going to be the next words out of her mouth and my whole body shook with sudden anticipation.

  "Jovi."

  "What? Why?" he asked. He sounded like he wasn't pleased, and my excitement turned to dread.

  "Because I wanted her to go to prom and they'll be cute together. Plus, I know you like Jovi and I figured you'd want to catch up with Jake. I thought you'd be happy, but I can tell by your face, Mr. Grumpy Pants, that you're not."

  "I just don't understand why she changed her mind. She told me last weekend she wasn't going."

  "I'm glad she changed her mind. I'm the one who made her change her mind. You should see her. She's wearing that white dress I wore last year."

  "Esther, why'd you do that?" He was obviously annoyed, and I listened intently, trying to imagine what facial expressions they were making.

  "I told you. Because I wanted her to come."

  "She doesn't like this kind of shit."

  My eyes got big and the blood rushed to my cheeks. He was not happy. There was a long pause.

  "What time's she coming over here?" he asked.

  "She's here," I heard Esther say. "She's in my room."

  There were five seconds of silence before I heard the sound of his heavy footsteps coming up the stairs. Those were the longest few seconds of my life. I was so insanely nervous that I actually consider jumping out of the window even though it was ten feet from the ground. I frantically put the earbuds back in my ear so that I'd look preoccupied when he came in. I sat on the edge of her bed looking away from him and stared down at my phone as if I hadn't heard him approach.

  "Jovi, what are you doing here?" He spoke up because he assumed I couldn't hear him over whatever I was listening to, and the sound of his deep voice penetrating the silence made me jump. I pulled the headphones out of my ear and dropped my phone on the bed as I stood up and turned to face him. He looked me over with a frustrated expression that was similar to the one he wore in the barn that day after the storm.

  Esther came up behind him in the hall and he turned to face her. He threw a finger in the air ordering Esther to go back the way she came. "Go downstairs," he said. "I need to talk to Jovi."

  She looked at him like she couldn't believe he had the audacity to speak to her like that, but he just stared a hole through her and finally her expression softened. She could tell how serious he was, and she took off down the hallway. Caleb closed the door behind her before looking at me.

  I just stood there, feeling like I could barely catch my breath. I wasn't sure if it was the tightness of the dress, but my lungs just couldn't seem to get enough air. I took a few deep, calming breaths, reminding myself that he was just like any other guy. He seemed taller and bigger since the last time I'd seen him, which was just a week before. Maybe it was just that he was fresh off a work out and had dirt and sweat on him like a man should. I laughed inwardly at the spark of desire that Caleb Cross never failed to kindle. I took another deep breath trying to convince myself that it was okay if I had a weakness for this guy as long as I didn't act on it.

  "You absolutely can not wear this tonight," he said, scanning me from head to toe. It was the last thing I expected him to say and I just stood there as he looked me up-and-down. "No," he said, shaking his head. "I'm calling Jake. You're not going out like this."

  I laughed, and that made his eyes snap up to meet mine. "That's really sweet of you Caleb," I said sarcastically. "You really know how to make a girl feel good about how she looks."

  He crossed the room and stood two feet in front of me. I wanted to throw myself in his arms, not caring that he was dirty and I had on a white dress. He peered down at me with a frustrated scowl. He was even gorgeous when he was mad.

  "Think about what you told me, Jovi," he said. "You can't go out looking like this." He pointed at my midsection. "This right here is an invitation to do things to you, and you can't have guys wanting to do that, now can you?"

  I gave him an offended look. "What are you saying—that because I used to be a whore I can't get dressed up every once in a while?" He leaned in until his face was only inches from mine. "I don't want to ever hear you say that again. And no, it's not like that."

  "What's it like, then?"

  He let his eyes roam down my body one more time and then said, "This dress is begging to be torn off of you, and I'm liable to kill Jake Jones if he does it. So please for the love of God, just change your clothes or don't come or whatever you have to do."

  "Caleb, I'm a big girl. Nobody's ripping the dress off me unless I want him to."

  "You can't do that, Jovi."

  "Can't do what? Sleep with someone?" I wasn't planning on sleeping with Jake—had no desire to at all, but I was enjoying seeing him get worked up about it so I continued to act like it might be a possibility.

  "You're not sleeping with anyone," he said.

  "I don't think that's you're decision."

  He reached out and took my hand, squeezing it gently as he looked into my eyes, begging me to understand. "Jovi, I want you." He paused for a second and looked as if he was trying to figure out what to say next. "I don't know how else to say it."

  My heart was beating so fast I thought it might just jump right out of my chest. It was the exact words I wanted to hear from him, and now that he said them, I was confused and overwhelmed and had no idea what to say back.

  Just then, I saw a flash of light from the corner of my eye. It was the sun reflecting off the Honda Accord that was pulling into his driveway. I knew it was Rose, and the thought of her coming in and showing me up with her dress that was this year's hottest thing made me feel a sudden surge of anger. He had no right to come in here and say things like I want you to me. Those were the worst words you could say to someone who wasn't your girlfriend.

  "You better go take your shower," I said. "It looks like your girlfriend's here." I put emphasis on the word girlfriend just to make sure he got the point.

  He threw his hands in the air. "Aren't you going to say anything?"

  "I'm going to say that your prom date who also happens to be your girlfriend just pulled up in the driveway and unless you're planning on causing some type of scene, you should get out of here and take your shower."

  He stared at me, then at the door, then at me again. "Please tell me you're not gonna mess around with Jake," he pleaded.

  I gave him a screw you expression. "But I'm sure it'll be fine for you to mess around with your girlfriend. Why are you being such a hypocrite?"

  "Rose and I don't do anything."

  "Then I'll just give Jake a hand job like she does for you."

  "Screw that. You're not going. I'm gonna go down there and tell them you're sick."

  "Screw you," I said. "I didn't get all dressed up so that you could lie to everyone because you're too afraid to admit you're jealous."

  "I think he's upstairs, Caleb are you upstairs?" Esther's yell came from the stairway and was clearly a warning.

  "You better go," I said.

  "Jake's not right for you," he said.

  "I think you should go," I repeated.

  Caleb looked at me and took a deep breath. He looked almost sad, but he turned and headed for the door without turning back. Within seconds, I saw a truck pull into the driveway and figured it was Ryan, Jake, or both. Prom w
as already more stress than it was worth and I caught myself hoping I'd be able to find something to drink before the night was over.

  Thankfully, Jake was cuter than I remembered. He looked excellent in his suit, and I took great pleasure in seeing how badly it tore Caleb up to watch me flirt with him. The funny thing was I didn't even have it turned up. If I was capable of a level ten, I was flirting with Jake at about a level three, and even this caused Caleb grief.

  Earlier that evening, when he was in Esther's bedroom with me, part of me thought he would back up what he was saying and actually go down there to break up with her. He didn't do that, and watching them be a couple was harder than I imagined. It's probably what made me flirt with Jake in the first place.

  I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that my past and the feelings I still had about it would keep me from being the type of girl Caleb Cross deserved. That's what it boiled down to—he deserved way better than me in every way, and knowing that was devastating—especially when I knew he could be talked into giving things between us a try.

  Prom night was fairly surreal because I spent most of it trying to steal glances at Caleb and wondering what he was thinking. I ended up making out with Jake just to spite Caleb but had no idea if he even saw us. As far as Jake was concerned, we had a great time and he was planning on calling me so we could hang out again. I couldn't understand how guys could be tricked into thinking girls were having a good time so easily. I acted like I had fun and left there smiling, but went home at 2 AM in a bad mood. I kept to myself during the next week or so—not full-on silence, but close.

  Chapter 11

  Esther rode with me to school the following Friday morning. She called the night before to ask if she could ride with me since her car was in the shop. Some idiot at school ripped the door handle off the passenger's side and anyone who rode with her had to climb over from the driver's side. Needless to say, she was having it fixed ASAP, and would be without a car for a day or two.