Again he found it impossible to read her. She didn’t reply but slid away from him and off the bed. She grabbed her panties from the floor and then disappeared into the adjoining bathroom.
Nick stared up at the darkened ceiling, the only illumination in the room spilling in from the hall light. Without her presence next to him his thoughts went to dark places.
Despite the fact that he wanted her physically, that he was still as in love with her as he had been two years ago, he couldn’t forget that she was now back in his life for two reasons: Garrett and the fact that she no longer had a relationship with her parents.
Neither life-altering event had been of her own choosing. If Garrett hadn’t been born, she probably wouldn’t be here with him now. She wouldn’t be seen with him on a date or at her work. As much as she’d once professed to love him, she’d never chosen him over the approval of her parents.
And on the day he’d needed her most, as his precious sister had been buried, she hadn’t been standing by his side. Rather, she’d been at a tea party her mother had given for her little-town society friends.
He shook his head, as if mentally dislodging the bitterness of the past. His body was still warm from hers, and her sweet scent lingered on his skin. He didn’t want to think about anything but what they’d just shared.
He turned his head as she came out of the bathroom, a dark wraith in white panties. “Are you okay?” he asked, wondering if maybe he’d hurt her during their lovemaking or something he said had upset her.
“I’m fine. Just tired.”
“Want to hang around and cuddle for a little while? As I recall, you were always a great cuddler.” He was hoping to pull a smile to her face, and to put some distance between himself and his momentary negative thoughts about the past.
They were here now, and that was all that mattered. They had a son who would keep them bound together in one form or another for eighteen years and beyond.
“I think I’ll just head on into my own room with Garrett,” she said, disappointing him. He watched her walk to the bedroom doorway, and then she turned and faced him once again. “This changes nothing, Nick. You’re my son’s father, but I can’t allow you to be anything more than that to me.”
She didn’t wait for his response, but instead turned and disappeared down the hallway. Nick stared after her and wondered why he had even entertained the idea that there could be more between them.
He’d never really been what she wanted, what she needed, and her words were just a reminder of that. Besides, why would he want a woman who had kept him a secret for seven long months, who had refused to take him out of the shadows and into the sunlight?
He knew he wasn’t the same man he’d been when he’d left Grady Gulch. During his two years away from home he’d matured, he’d figured out what was important in life and what wasn’t.
Unfortunately, he couldn’t be sure Courtney had changed at all. Maybe she was still her parents’ daughter after all, looking for a man who had the kind of respectability within the community that Nick would never manage to achieve as a simple rancher.
Nick had never been a fool for anyone or anything, and he’d be a damned fool to want anything from her except the coparenting arrangements they eventually made.
Still, despite the fact that she had given no indication that they would ever have a real future together, despite the past that occasionally rose up to burn in his gut, he wanted her. Not just for a night, but for a lifetime, and he supposed that made him all kinds of a fool.
* * *
She knew it was a mistake. Being here in his home had been mistake enough, but falling into his arms, into his bed, had been the worst thing she could do.
She got into the bed in the room where Garrett slept peacefully in his crib and stared up at the ceiling. It had been just like she remembered with Nick—exciting and wonderful...sheer magic.
It had been as if each and every piece of their bodies had remembered one another. Everything had been so natural, had felt so right, and she’d wanted to spend the entire night in his arms and awaken still in his bed in the morning.
She’d wanted that so badly it had frightened her. She didn’t want to love Nick. She didn’t want to depend on Nick. But it would take her a very long time to forget the magic of being in his arms, of feeling his body move intimately against her own.
Even now she could smell the scent of him lingering on her skin, and she wanted nothing more than to get out of her bed and join him in his, to be held by him the rest of the night.
In the time he’d been back in town, he’d definitely surprised her in the way he’d stepped up for her and Garrett. There was a new maturity about him that was as appealing as his easygoing charm.
It would be so easy to fall in love with him again if she allowed herself. But she’d sworn she would never be vulnerable to anyone again, especially a man like Nick.
It had been easy to date Grant, because on some level she’d recognized he’d never own her heart. She hadn’t been vulnerable to him and so had felt safe.
Nick made her feel physically protected and mentally threatened, and she knew when morning came she had to leave here. She didn’t trust him, but, even more, she didn’t trust herself not to repeat the past.
She awoke with the slant of the sun letting her know it was late...later than she’d ever slept since Garrett had been born. The crib was empty, and she knew Nick must have crept into the room to get Garrett before she awakened.
She took advantage of knowing Garrett was taken care of and lingered in bed, her thoughts in turmoil. Bits and pieces of troubling moments whirled through her head... The day in the park when she’d felt as if somebody was watching her and the box of toys that had appeared out of nowhere. And she still couldn’t shake the feeling that her missing memories were the result of more than just the car accident.
Had she suffered some sort of blackout, some brain disturbance that she knew nothing about? Was she sick in some way? More frightening was the thought that one of the blackouts could happen again, when she was alone with Garrett.
It was after ten when she showered, dressed and headed into the kitchen, where she heard the sound of Garrett’s laughter floating out.
She peeked in to find both of them seated on the floor. Nick had a red plastic colander on his head and Garrett wore a plastic tub that had once held something called Baker’s Barbecue Beans.
As she watched, they exchanged “hats,” and Garrett giggled with delight. Nick caught sight of her and patted the floor next to them. “Look, here comes Mommy.” He held out a lightweight green plastic mixing bowl. “And here’s Mommy’s hat.”
Courtney had left the bedroom with every intention of telling Nick she was heading home and packing things up. But, as she looked at her son, whose big blue eyes were filled with mirth, and Nick, whose eyes twinkled with humor, she suddenly wanted to join in their make-believe world.
“Mommy, hat!” Garrett exclaimed and then giggled once again as she plopped down on the floor next to him and placed the mixing bowl on her head.
“Does this strike you as a little bit ridiculous?” she asked Nick.
He shrugged his shoulders and grinned. “I guess in the privacy of my own kitchen it’s okay to be a little ridiculous with a fifteen-month-old. Oh, and this is kind of like a game of musical chairs. When he claps his hands and points, we change hats.”
As if on cue Garrett clapped. The colander went on Garrett’s head, the mixing bowl on Nick’s and the bean container to Courtney. Garrett laughed so hard he tipped backward, kicking his feet in the air with amusement.
They played the game for about ten more minutes and then Garrett finally got bored and began to stack the containers. “How about some breakfast?” Nick asked as he got up from the floor and held out a hand to help Courtney up.
“I’m not really that hungry. Actually, there’s something I want to talk about,” she replied. She moved to the coffeemaker and poured herself a cup,
aware that she could be further complicating her life if she told him her fears.
“Okay, but are you sure you don’t want some breakfast? I can whip up a couple of eggs for you.”
She shook her head and instead took a sip of the coffee. He joined her at the table with his own cup of the fresh brew. He eyed her darkly. “If you want to rehash what happened last night, you already made it pretty clear where things stand between us.”
“No, that’s not what I want to talk about. I’ve been racking my brain all morning about this amnesia thing. I told you that I didn’t feel like it was necessarily related to the accident. I started wondering if I’d blacked out, if maybe I have a brain tumor or something terrible going on inside me.”
Nick looked at her in surprise. “Have you had something like that happen before? Have you blacked out? Missed time?”
“No, nothing like that,” she admitted.
“Dr. Spiro told me he’d x-rayed your head. I’m assuming he did a CAT scan or MRI. They would have found a brain tumor or something like that wrong with you.”
She nodded. “I agree, and that leaves the last thought that I have about all of it.”
“And what’s that?” he asked with curiosity.
“I’ve been thinking about the very last moments before I apparently left the café for the night. I remember serving the teenagers that came in late. I remember them leaving and clearing my section, and then I drank the iced tea that I’d made for myself earlier in the day.” She paused and looked at him, wondering if she’d lost her mind.
He raised his cup to his mouth and narrowed his gaze at her. He sipped the coffee and then set the cup back on the table. “So, what exactly are you saying? That somebody put something in your tea?” He looked at her dubiously.
“I know, I must sound crazy.” She wrapped her fingers around her cup, wondering if she was just a little bit out of her mind. “I just know that everything was fine before I drank that tea, but afterward, that’s when everything went blank.”
“But why would somebody do that?”
“I don’t know. Maybe somebody thought it would be funny,” she replied.
Nick’s eyes narrowed dangerously. “Something like that’s not funny. I think we should call Cameron and tell him what you think.”
She hesitated. “But, I can’t know for sure if that’s what happened.”
“Where was your glass of tea?”
“Where I always keep it, on the little two-top table counter closest to the restrooms.”
“So, anyone could have had access to it.” He pulled his cell phone from his pocket. “We should at least have Cameron check it out. Did they draw any blood from you that night?”
She checked her arms, since she couldn’t remember the hospital visit until she’d awakened the next morning. “No, it doesn’t look like it. And the glass I used will have already gone through the dishwasher.”
Garrett squealed in delight as his stacked containers fell over. He began the building process all over again as Nick dialed Cameron’s phone number.
As she listened to Nick explaining to Cameron why he was calling, she felt a little silly. Was she overreaching? Was the blankness really just a residual effect of the accident, or had somebody spiked her drink with some kind of drug?
“Cameron is going to check into some things,” Nick said as he hung up the phone. “He’ll get back in touch with you if he has any news.”
“Thanks, I don’t know if I’m crazy and sending him on a goose chase or not.”
“I’d rather err on the side of caution. If you think there’s a possibility that you were drugged that night then Cameron needs to know and he needs to find out who is responsible.”
She took another sip of coffee and glanced at Garrett, happily playing on the floor. Somebody glancing in the window would see what appeared to be a happy, domestic scene. It stabbed her in her heart and she had the sudden need to escape this place and this man.
She set her cup in the sink and turned back to face him. “I think it’s time for me to go home. It’s time for me and Garrett to get back to our normal life.” Being here with Nick felt almost as dangerous as everything else going on.
Nick looked at her in stunned surprise. “Surely after what you just told me you don’t want to go back to the motel today.”
“Nobody is going to spike my drink while I’m at home,” she replied.
“Stay here and rest. You’ve got nothing else to do and neither do I. You should use the next couple of days to heal,” he protested. “What if somebody did drug you?”
“If they did, then I’m on notice now to be careful and watch who is around me. I feel okay,” she replied. She refused to be swayed by his words. She needed to get away from him. Besides, she couldn’t stay here forever.
She shook her head. “We’ll be fine. I want to go home.”
“What are you going to do about a vehicle? You don’t have any way of getting around.”
“I’ll rent something for a couple of weeks. I’ll be fine,” she assured him.
His eyes narrowed slightly. “Is this about what happened between us last night?”
“Yes and no,” she admitted. “Nick, I can’t play pretend with you. We crossed a boundary last night that we shouldn’t have. We need to come to agreeable terms concerning Garrett, but we can’t let what happened last night happen again. It’s not fair to either one of us.”
“But, why can’t we?” He raised his voice to be heard above Garrett’s banging with a wooden spoon on several pans Nick had put on the floor with the containers earlier. “I don’t want you for just one night, Courtney. I want you and Garrett for all my nights and all my days.”
The past slammed into Courtney’s brain with the force of a hurricane. How many times had she heard him say that same kind of thing in the old barn where they’d spent so much time? How many times had he professed his deep love for her, made her believe they were going to share a future together?
“I can’t do it again, Nick.” Just saying the words made her heart ache with a sharp pain she hadn’t felt since he’d left town two years ago. “I just can’t go through the heartbreak of you again.”
“I should have called,” he said, his voice loud in the sudden silence as Garrett stopped banging on the pans. “I should have called you when I left here.” He lowered his voice. “I should have given you an explanation, but I was in such a bad place all I could think about at that time was my own pain and my own needs. I accept that. I accept that I was wrong, but I’m not the same man I was then. I’m not about to run anywhere anymore.”
She had waited so long to hear those words from him, had dreamed of him coming back to her...for her. But, the truth of the matter was that he’d returned to Grady Gulch because Sam had been arrested and Adam was in emotional trouble. The truth of the matter was it had been by mere luck alone that they’d reconnected at all. She was confused by him, by her own feelings for him.
“Nick, let’s just leave the past to the past. If you don’t want to take us back to the motel, then I’ll make arrangements for somebody else to come and pick us up.”
Although she appreciated the fact that he’d apologized, it didn’t take away the small seed of bitterness she’d harbored for the past two years. She’d had twenty-four months to curse his name. It would take longer than a week or two to figure out exactly where he fit in her life...if he truly fit at all. It would take her even longer to believe that he was in this for the long run.
“Fine, I’ll take you home if that’s what you want.” She could tell by his narrowed lips and clipped tone that she’d upset him. But, what she’d told him was the truth. Although she’d always love Nick, sometimes love just wasn’t enough.
It took nearly an hour to reload the crib and the high chair and all of the things they’d packed from the motel the day before.
“You want me to take you by Wally’s to see about a rental car?” he asked when they were all in his pickup and headed towa
rd the motel.
Wally Simpson had the only car lot in town. He not only sold new and used cars, but on occasion he would rent to somebody when the need arose.
“No, that’s okay. I’ll call him when Garrett takes his nap this afternoon.” She noticed that Nick gripped the steering wheel tightly and that a tension wafted from him that whispered of suppressed anger.
What did he have to be angry about? She was the wounded party in all this. She was the one he’d left behind after promising to love her forever. She was the one who had been left pregnant and alone and had to deal with everything all by herself.
The rest of the ride was accomplished in a tense silence broken only by Garrett’s occasional gibberish. When they got to the motel, it took another twenty minutes to get the crib set back up where it had been and the high chair once again in place.
“Thank you, Nick,” she said when everything was inside and there was nothing left to do or say.
Garrett was in his high chair, munching on a cracker before she made him lunch, and Nick walked over and kissed him on the forehead. “Bye, son.”
“Bye-bye,” Garrett replied.
Nick walked toward the door but paused before leaving and turned back to her. “Remember, we don’t know if what happened on the highway the other night was an accident or if somebody slipped you a roofie. Please be aware of your surroundings, and don’t go anywhere alone.” His worry was obvious as he held her gaze intently.
“I’ll be careful, Nick. I promise.” She couldn’t help but be touched by his concern.
He nodded, but it was obvious he had something else on his mind, as he still didn’t turn to leave. He leaned against the doorjamb, his hat pulled low. To anyone else he might look at ease, but Courtney felt the tension that rolled off him, saw the way his muscles tightened beneath his black T-shirt.
He tipped his hat back, allowing her to see the simmering blue of his eyes. “Courtney, you weren’t the only one who felt left behind in the relationship we had in the past.”
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