She stared at him in stunned surprise. “What are you talking about?”
A muscle began to tick in his jaw as the visible tension rippled through him. “Every time you left that barn, I wasn’t sure if you’d ever come back to me. Every time you went back to your privileged life in Evanston with your parents, I wasn’t sure that I’d ever see you again.”
He drew a deep breath and continued. “You kept me hidden from your friends and family, from everyone in town for seven long months, like I was a dirty little secret you were too ashamed to admit to. You weren’t the only victim of all this. There were two victims in our past relationship, Courtney. I was one, too.”
He whirled around and before she could respond in any way he stepped out of the door and closed it behind him. Courtney stared at the wooden door, shocked by his words and by the edge of resentment that had laced those words.
The past and her own anger where he was concerned had been deeply ingrained in her over the past two years, and now she suddenly felt as if everything she’d believed to be true was in question.
Somebody may or may not have drugged her iced tea. Somebody may or may not have been in the woods in the park stalking her. Her son’s father had returned to claim his rights as a father, and now he’d somehow managed to make her wonder who had really been at fault when he’d left her behind and hadn’t looked back.
Chapter 11
Courtney awoke after a troubled night of sleep. She’d tossed and turned most of the night with visions of the past whirling around in her head. When she’d finally managed to pull herself out of bed, she felt as if she had a hangover of unsettled emotions.
After Nick had left the day before she’d contacted Wally Simpson, who had brought her a rental car. Thankfully her insurance would also help defray the cost of the unexpected expense.
She’d also called Mary to let her know she’d be in for work as usual at noon on Monday. Mary was pleased to hear she was feeling okay but insisted she give herself another day before returning to work.
For the rest of the night Courtney had played with Garrett and done everything in her power not to think about Nick. She’d gone to bed early but had been plagued by dreams that had made her feel as if she hadn’t slept at all.
Once she was up and dressed, she spent the morning on mundane tasks, feeding Garrett, cleaning the room and trying desperately not to think about what Nick had said to her the night before.
She wasn’t surprised when her phone rang and it was Cameron. “Sheriff,” she said in greeting.
“How are you doing, Courtney?”
“Much better today,” she replied.
“After speaking with Nick yesterday, I did a little checking this morning. Unfortunately no blood work was done when you were in the hospital, and since something like GHB or Rohypnol is quickly metabolized, no tests would help us now.”
“Maybe it was just a stupid idea of mine,” she replied, feeling guilty that she was taking his time away from the two unsolved murders he already had on his plate.
“I don’t think it’s just a stupid idea,” Cameron replied. “Mary told me that she watched you head out to your car and you looked like you were drunk, that you stumbled and wove, and she just assumed you were trying to dodge the rain puddles in the parking lot. Now I’m wondering if it was something more than that.”
“So, what happens now?”
“What I’d like from you is the name of those teenagers you served right before you left the café. I’d also like the names of anyone you can remember who was in the café for the dinner rush that night. If somebody drugged you and caused your accident, then I want to find who’s responsible.”
“I appreciate it, Sheriff,” she replied. “I know you have enough to deal with right now.”
“I don’t like somebody murdering people in my town, and I don’t like somebody drugging people in my town,” he said forcefully.
“I’m really not sure that’s what happened,” Courtney replied.
“I still intend to investigate it until we’re both satisfied with my findings. You just work on that list and I’ll pick it up from you sometime tomorrow. I’ll be in touch,” he said and then hung up.
Courtney clicked her cell phone closed and thought of the task ahead of her. The café had been busy that night, and it would take some real concentration to make the list Sheriff Evans had requested.
The new possibility that somebody had drugged her definitely made her feel threatened. She didn’t believe the teenagers had anything to do with it. None of them had left their booth during their meal or after. They’d eaten and headed straight out the door.
If her drink had been tainted, it had been done sometime during the dinner rush, and the only reason would have been to cause her harm.
Needing somebody to talk to, she finally called Lizzy and the two made a dinner date for that evening at a restaurant in Rockville, the same town Grant had driven them to for the pizza debacle.
Courtney felt a need to escape not just the motel room, but also Grady Gulch for a little while. It was just after six when she loaded Garrett into the rental car and headed toward Rockville. She’d already fed Garrett his dinner because she was meeting Lizzy later than their usual dinnertime.
She figured he’d be asleep in his chair before the meal was over and they headed back home. As she drove out of town she checked her rearview mirror often, aware that the events of the past couple of weeks had definitely created more than a touch of paranoia inside her.
Garrett kept up a steady stream of chatter that kept her entertained and her mind unusually blank as she drove. She didn’t want to think, at least not until she could share her thoughts with Lizzy.
It was almost seven by the time she pulled into the parking lot of the Rockville Barbeque. Even with the windows rolled up, she could smell the savory scent of smoky meat and tangy sauce that wafted from the large brick building.
She parked and looked around, seeking Lizzy’s car, but she didn’t see it anywhere in the lot. “We’ll just wait a few minutes for Aunt Lizzy,” she said as she leaned over to smile at Garrett in the backseat.
He returned the smile and motherly love swelled up inside her. He’d been an unexpected gift, and she’d never known she was capable of the kind of love she felt for him.
As she turned back around she saw Lizzy’s car pulling into the parking lot. “Time to go.” As Lizzy pulled into the space next to her car, Courtney got out, grabbed her purse and then opened the back door to get Garrett out of his seat.
“Need help?” Lizzy asked.
“I got it.” Courtney pulled Garrett into her arms and then smiled at her friend. “Thanks for meeting me, Lizzy,” she said as the two women headed for the restaurant’s front door.
“Hey, I always look for an excuse to come here for barbecue, and besides, Daniel had bookkeeping stuff to do tonight, so this worked out perfectly. He gets peace and quiet in the house, and I get burnt ends and baked beans.”
Courtney laughed, and within minutes they were seated at a table with Garrett at the end in a high chair. During the meal they talked about the upcoming town festival and Lizzy’s wedding preparations. The conversation remained pleasant until they ordered dessert and coffee.
“As much as I’ve enjoyed having dinner with you, I know you didn’t call me to meet with you because you wanted my scintillating conversation. Now, tell me what we’re really doing here,” Lizzy said.
Courtney frowned. “I just feel like I’ve been dwelling in my own head for too long and need somebody to talk to about some things.”
“That’s what friends are for,” Lizzy replied as she cut into her gooey piece of chocolate cake. “Now, tell me what’s going on.”
Courtney picked up her fork and then released a deep sigh. “I’m feeling weird about things.”
Lizzy grinned. “And you called me for a reality check?”
Courtney couldn’t halt the small smile that crept to her lips. “Crazy, right?�
� The smile fell away as she stared at her friend.
“What’s going on?” Lizzy asked softly.
“It’s a bunch of little things that make me feel like maybe I’ve gone around the bend.” She told Lizzy about the day in the park, the strange box of toys for Garrett and then her intuition that she’d been drugged on the night of her accident.
Lizzy listened to everything and then leaned back in her chair. “But what could somebody hope to accomplish by drugging you? I mean, they wouldn’t have known for sure when during the night you might have drunk your iced tea.”
“True, but I almost always finish up the night drinking the tea. And, maybe it’s possible they didn’t care when I drank it. Maybe they hoped I’d black out and fall, get hurt or even get arrested for doing drugs.” Courtney released a sigh. “Just tell me I’m nuts and I’ll try to put this all out of my mind.”
Lizzy frowned. “I don’t know, Courtney. With the murders of two waitresses from the café still unsolved, I would take all of this pretty seriously. Not to scare you or anything, but what if the killer is toying with you?”
Courtney stared at Lizzy. She hadn’t really put it all together in her mind, but hearing it from Lizzy made her realize that very fear had been smoldering someplace deep inside her. Had the killer changed his mode of operation? Had she somehow been targeted as his next victim? The thought was too horrible for her to sustain.
“And then there’s Nick,” she said in an effort to change one difficult topic to another.
Lizzy nodded, as if unsurprised. “Having him back in town has to have stirred up a lot of old feelings, both good and bad.”
“And some new ones, as well,” Courtney admitted. She stuck a fork in the cake, but she had no real appetite for the dessert. Her stomach had been upset since the night before.
She sighed and set her fork to the side. “I’m so confused. I’ve spent the last two years of my life hating him with a passion for leaving me, and then last night he said something that kind of shook me up.”
As Courtney told Lizzy about the argument that really hadn’t been an argument with Nick the night before, her friend listened patiently without asking questions or making any comments.
“I hadn’t thought about how Nick might have felt during the time that we dated,” she finally said.
“Why were you secretly seeing him?” Lizzy asked. “I never really understood that. Oh, I get it that you were worried about your parents’ reaction to Nick, but he’s a good guy and not exactly the devil himself, and you weren’t an underage girl.”
“True,” Courtney admitted. She leaned back against the booth and frowned thoughtfully, remembering that time in her life.
“It all seems so silly now, especially given what’s happened between me and my parents since then, but at that time I was so afraid of disappointing them, so afraid of stepping out of the box they’d placed me in, and I knew that Nick was definitely out of that box. I was sheltered and naïve, and even at that age I worried about what my parents might think.”
“And what were you afraid might happen if your parents did find out about Nick?” Lizzy asked.
A dry, humorless laugh escaped Courtney’s lips. “Exactly what happened when they found out I was pregnant, that they’d stop loving me, that they’d kick me out of their lives.” She cut off a piece of her cake and gave it to Garrett.
“Sounds like they were emotionally abusive to you,” Lizzy said.
“Of course not,” Courtney quickly replied with a sharp gaze at her friend. “They did everything for me. They bought me the best clothing, made sure I had the best parties and ate the best food.”
“Those are material things,” Lizzy scoffed. “Things that they wanted for themselves. Conditional love, that’s what they showed you and as far as I’m concerned that’s emotionally abusive. They kicked you out when you needed them most. Can you think of a single thing that Garrett could do that would make you cast him out of your life forever? Anything at all?”
Courtney really thought about it. Certainly there were things Garrett could do that would absolutely break her heart and make her miserable. She thought of Sam, who had tried to kill Lizzy. If Garrett did something so heinous like that, would she throw him out of her life forever?
No, she would want him to face the consequences of his actions, she would want him to get the help or punishment he needed, but she would never stop loving him. If he found himself in trouble, she’d do anything in her power to help him not to escape his consequences, but to face them.
And yet, that’s what she’d been afraid of when it came to her parents, that if she didn’t toe the line, if she didn’t want the same things they wanted, do what they wanted, then they would stop loving her. Worst of all, that was obviously exactly what they’d done.
And she’d survived. A wealth of strength rose up inside her as she thought of the past two years. She’d made it without them, and even though there had been times she’d longed for their support, she’d known deep in her heart that they were the ones lacking, not her.
“I was going to tell my parents about Nick,” she finally said. “I was working up my nerve to tell them that he was the man I was going to be with, that he was the man who I loved, but before I got the chance to do that he was gone.”
“And you never thought about how he might have felt through those months that you kept him a secret from everyone?” Lizzy asked.
Courtney took a sip of her coffee, stuffing back the emotions that appeared out of nowhere at Lizzy’s question. She cleared her throat, still stuffing as she thought of Nick’s words before he’d left her the night before.
“I regret to say that I didn’t. I was always just so deliriously happy whenever I was with him, so caught up in my own joy of believing he loved me that I never considered that he might think that I was keeping him a secret because I was somehow ashamed of him. It was fear that drove me, fear of my parents, but not any shame of Nick.”
“But, Nick apparently doesn’t know that.” Lizzy took a big bite of the chocolate cake, chased it with a sip of coffee and then continued. “Courtney, I think you’ve been so caught up in your own bitterness you’ve been unable to look at the past from any other viewpoint.”
Courtney leaned forward, remembering all the moments she and Nick had shared in the stall of the old barn. “When we were together we promised to love each other forever, to build a future together and have a family and live happily together forever. That’s all I ever clung to when I left that barn and went back to my home in Evanston.”
“And how much of that could he believe in when you left and went back to your ‘real’ life with your parents in Evanston? When you could only profess your love for him in the secrecy of that old, abandoned barn?”
Lizzy’s words pierced Courtney’s heart, not with her own pain but with what she imagined Nick must have felt each time she drove away from the Yates barn, each time she refused to be seen with him in public.
Now she remembered how many times he’d asked her to make their relationship open, how many times he’d told her that he wanted to share his love for her with the world, and each time she’d told him she needed more time before allowing that to happen.
“I wasn’t even beside him on the day they buried his sister,” Courtney said, tears pressing hot against her eyes. “Cherry’s death devastated him, and while he buried his sister I was at a tea party my mother gave for all her little society friends.”
Dear God. What had she done? She’d been so busy pointing the finger at him, she hadn’t taken a minute to recognize her own culpability in what had ultimately happened between them.
“Don’t look so sad,” Lizzy said and reached out a hand to cover Courtney’s. She squeezed her hand in comfort. “It sounds to me like what you and Nick both need to do is to sit down and talk about the past, really talk about it. You have to take some responsibility for not understanding his needs and wants when he did leave town.”
She squeez
ed Courtney’s hand again and then released it. “But I think the main thing you have to decide is what you really want from Nick. If you just want him in your life as a coparent to Garrett, then there’s no reason to go back and pick at the past. You just go forward from here and leave the past alone. But, if you want something more from him then you’re going to have to forget your own anger and bitterness and take on some of his.”
Lizzy’s words followed Courtney as she drove home. Night had fallen and Garrett was asleep in his car seat. Lizzy was right. She needed to talk to Nick and explain to him that it was fear that had driven her to keep him a secret, not shame...never shame.
It was also at that moment she realized that the moment she’d seen Nick again, deep in her heart, in her very soul, she’d wanted him back in her life, and not just as a coparent but as a friend and as a lover.
By the time she pulled up to her motel room, the parking lot was dark and quiet and she was exhausted. First thing in the morning she’d call Nick and make arrangements for them to talk...to really talk about what had happened between them.
She parked in the space outside her door and then grabbed her purse and got her sleeping son out of the car. He curled into her, deep in slumber, secure in his mother’s arms.
She unlocked the door, flipped on the light and carried Garrett to his crib. She didn’t bother to undress him, deciding that she’d give him a bath in the morning and dress him in his cutest outfit to see Nick.
Laying him down, she stood for a long moment next to the crib and gazed at him. As she looked at the little cleft in his chin, she knew that she’d never stop loving Nick. Just as he’d marked Garrett with that physical characteristic, he’d marked her heart forever.
The light went out, plunging the room into utter darkness.
“Damn,” she muttered to herself, for the millionth time wishing she’d bought a lamp for the table next to her bed. Who knew how long that bulb had been burning in that light? Well, it wasn’t burning now.
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