Only You (The Mephisto Covenant Series)

by Feagan, Stephanie

  He was intensely uncomfortable, I could tell. He’d stopped rocking and sat stiff and still. He swallowed but didn’t look away. “There’s something about you, Mariah, something I’ve never known in anyone else. It’s like . . . like you know.”

  I considered whether to sit down, but decided he’d have an easier time with this if I remained where I was, methodically pulling out the boxes to look inside. “I do know. I don’t understand why no one else does.”

  “How do you know?”

  “I can see it in your eyes. I can feel all that pain rolling off of you, and no matter how many jokes you tell or how hard you laugh, it never goes away. Why, Denys?” This box held a china doll, well loved, her little purple silk dress faded and her painted mouth all but gone, she’d been kissed so many times.

  “I was in love with Jane.”

  Oh, God.

  Sliding the doll back onto her shelf, I read the label on the next box: St. Claire Milliners, Bond Street. Another hat. I almost didn’t reach for it, but my compulsion to look in all the boxes had me slipping it from its spot.

  “Did you hear me?”

  “I heard.” The lid came off and I said, “How is that possible, Denys? Zee told me the Mephisto can only be with an Anabo whose scent they know, that it’s impossible for any of you to be attracted to one who has no distinct scent.” I stared down into the box and wished so hard that Denys hadn’t brought me here. A dried posy of tiny roses. Two golden rings tied with white satin ribbon. A small Bible bound in white leather, yellowed with age. A gossamer lace veil. And in the midst of it all, a love letter from a bride to her groom on their wedding day.

  Dearest Phoenix ~ It’s taken some time, but I realize now how barren my life would be without you.

  “The night Phoenix brought her to meet us was the first time we’d seen Jane, and he’d found her over two months earlier. I was late, and drunk, but I remember feeling like I’d been struck by lightning, she was so beautiful. I stumbled and accidentally knocked her to the floor, and while we were there, I kissed her.”

  You are my dearest friend, and while it will be enormously difficult to leave this life, I’m filled with happiness to spend eternity with you.

  “Was Phoenix angry?”

  “Furious. What he didn’t know, and I never told him, is that Jane kissed me back.”

  Reverend Moss has agreed to marry us in the bower we love in Hyde Park at nine this evening. It grieves me to become yours outside of a church, and the reverend was very clear that this will not be a legal union, but all of that is unimportant. We will be married before God and that is what matters.

  “Did she visit again after that?”

  “Yes, but I always made sure I was away from home. I couldn’t take seeing her, knowing I could never have her. I hated Phoenix so much, and while I know that’s unfair, I couldn’t help it.”

  I love you all the more for agreeing to exchange vows before I am with you.

  “You didn’t fall in love with her after one very brief meeting, during which you drunkenly stumbled into her, knocked her down, and stole a kiss. You went to see her, didn’t you? Behind Phoenix’s back, you visited her.”

  He sounded defensive. “I went to apologize. It was entirely innocent.”

  “Not entirely. You wanted to kiss her again, didn’t you?”

  He sighed. “I wanted to steal her away and never come back. But I didn’t, Mariah. We sat in her room and talked about books, and the world, and religion, and Eryx. I went back the next day and the day after that.”

  “And never told Phoenix?”

  “No,” he said solemnly. “When she died, I wanted to die too, but I could never say so, never show it. He’s spent the past one hundred years rolling around in guilt, and I’ve spent them with a broken heart.”

  All the obstacles we have faced are gone now, Phoenix. We will be happy, of one accord, and I will love you all the days of my life.

  “What happened that night?”

  “I’ve never known for sure. None of us do. I was in a London pub and, out of the blue, I was hit with acute awareness of something different, something awry. Even halfway to drunk, I was able to concentrate enough to know it was Jane. I knew where she was. Before that night, we didn’t know about the Mephisto mark. A few hours later, Eryx abducted her, and we all knew immediately because she was in our heads. Phoenix was nowhere to be found, had even disappeared from a mental search, which is next to impossible. We were afraid he’d been taken out by Lucifer, but couldn’t fathom why. It wasn’t until we gathered before leaving for Romania to rescue her that he showed up, beat all to hell. He wouldn’t say where he’d been or what happened.”

  You say you don’t love me as you should, but I have faith that our friendship will become more as time passes. Passion comes in all colors, and we are both committed to defeating Eryx. We will build on our bond of high regard for one another and passion will follow.

  What did that mean? This read like she was trying to convince herself that this was the right thing to do. Passion will follow? Did she mean she felt nothing for Phoenix beyond the love of a friend?

  Intuition nagged, and I had to ask Denys, “Did Jane have a particular scent?”

  “Sometimes, when I was with her, I’d smell cloves. I wanted to believe it was because she was meant for me and Phoenix got it wrong, but she had a little doll that was stuffed with cloves.”

  Thinking of oranges, I asked, “When you find your Anabo, I wonder if you’ll have a certain scent to her?”

  “I don’t know. Jane told me once that I smelled like laundry, like freshly washed sheets drying on the line in the sun. We laughed because can you see me doing laundry?”

  No, but I could see him with Jane. “When you went to Romania, was she . . . had Eryx already—”

  “No. He waited for us. The fucker knew we’d come after her, and as soon as we appeared, he cut her throat. Phoenix ran for her, caught her before she hit the floor, and tried to bring her back, but she never responded. He took her to her home, to her room, and laid her on her bed for her parents to find. Her father hired Pinkertons to investigate, but of course they found no suspect. The morning of her funeral, without telling us, Key took her body from the casket and replaced it with stones. Her parents buried a weighted coffin in the churchyard, in holy ground, at the same time Key and a group of Luminas buried her in a plot close to our home in Yorkshire.”

  That choked me up. Key knew how important it was to visit the dead, to have a place to grieve. He did it for Phoenix. Key was a hard guy, quiet and serious, but his love for his brothers and his commitment to his leadership of the Mephisto was obvious in everything he did. I thought all over again that he and Viorica were perfect for one another. And I remembered what Zee had said about God never sending an Anabo who wouldn’t be compatible.

  Phoenix’s list of things he’d like in a girl came back to me: She’d go with me to out-of-the-way places to see unusual, beautiful things, and try different foods, and meet interesting people, and sail and surf and ski and hike Everest and ride bikes across Mexico.

  Everything I’d seen in Jane’s boxes indicated a homebody, a woman who loved to read and write and play the piano and have tea with close friends in the cozy comfort of her morning room. I knew from the handbills and newspaper clippings I’d seen in the boxes that she was passionate about social change in England; helping the poor and saving women who’d been forced into prostitution in order to feed their children. She’d been handicapped, which would have affected her interests, but in all I’d seen, in every box, and I was close to the end of them, there wasn’t anything to indicate she had the slightest curiosity of anything like climbing Everest or visiting unusual places. Even after she was healed, she was content to be home. She was not the adventurer Phoenix wanted.

  So why would God send a girl like Jane to him?

  I was terribly afraid he had not, that Jane was intended for Denys and by some twist of fate, some awful screw-up in the cosmos,
a tragic mistake had been made.

  “Do you visit her grave, Denys?”

  “Sometimes. Mostly when I’m positive Phoenix won’t be there. I hate myself for feeling this way, Mariah. You have to believe that. As much as I get pissed off at Phoenix, and think he’s carried on the guilt trip for way too long, and resent that Jane was his, he’s my brother. I’d never do anything to hurt him, and if he knew how I felt, and still feel, about Jane, it’d kill him.”

  I began to wonder if Phoenix knew, if he figured out that Jane wasn’t for him. If so, was it any wonder he could never escape the guilt? Not only had she died because he wasn’t on top of things, he’d taken a girl meant for his brother. And she died.

  It was all purely conjecture, of course, but I knew there would come a time when I’d have to ask Phoenix for the truth about Jane. If I could open up and tell him about Emilian, he could tell me about her and the night she died.

  For the moment, I reminded myself that Denys didn’t know I was aware that I was Anabo, or that I was intended for Phoenix. Maybe that’s better, I decided. He’d be more open and honest because he’d assume I had no vested interest in Phoenix or his past. “Why couldn’t he bring her back?”

  “Eryx claimed he’d replaced Phoenix’s mark with his own, and we assumed that was why, that if an Anabo is marked, she can only be brought back by the one who marked her.”

  Maybe she could only be brought back by the one who was her intended. I imagined how it had been, learning Eryx had raped her, the horror of seeing her murdered right in front of them, Phoenix’s desperation to bring her back, and her dying in his arms. Had he known then? Was it too late for him to see which brother was her intended, to see if he could bring her back? Or had he known in that moment that it would never be right if another of his brothers brought back the woman who loved him? And she did love him, I didn’t doubt for a second. It was a sweet, deep love, not one of strong desire and passion, but Jane was still young, and totally innocent.

  How had she felt about Denys? He said she kissed him back. Had she wanted to kiss him again when he came to visit?

  I would never know.

  And perhaps in the grand scheme of things, it didn’t matter. She was gone, and it was time for Phoenix to let go of her death. I would confront him with all I’d learned, and make him face it, make him talk about it. Not for me, and not for what might come to pass between us, but for him. He needed to let go of this crushing burden he’d carried around for more than a century.

  And for Denys. Turning away from the shelves with all the boxes that held another woman’s life, I watched him stare up at the sheep picture, his hands clenched around the armrests of the rocker.

  Out of nowhere, I remembered the night I met Phoenix, when he came to my room to apologize. He’d stared at me with that strange yearning I didn’t understand, but it spoke to something in me and there was a connection. I understood now. Maybe it was instinct, maybe it was a divine promise, or maybe it was simply fate, but a bond was formed between us that night, and nothing in the days following had done anything but build on it. I trusted him, and for me that was huge. I didn’t trust anyone, even those closest to me, like Gustav.

  Yet, in a very short period of time, I’d grown close to Phoenix, had slept in the same bed with him, had shown him what I kept in the boxes inside my head.

  Had this been what happened between Denys and Jane? One moment, one look, one unspoken connection. Not love, because love was so much more – but an indefinable tie that couldn’t be broken by time or another person or even death.

  My heart broke for him. As difficult as it had been for Phoenix, it was in some ways worse for Denys. He’d been unable to grieve openly, had kept all of it inside. Until now. I went to him and stroked his hair. “Let’s get out of here. We’ll go somewhere and talk. You can tell me all about Jane, and maybe you’ll feel better.”

  He looked up at me and smiled, but not his fake one that hid his true feelings – this one was real. “I could use a whiskey.”

  He had a serious issue with alcohol, but now wasn’t the time to give him a lecture. “Come on, then, and we’ll get one.”

  Outside, we put our ski boots on, gathered up our skis, and he popped us back to the mansion. I went to my room and slid into a pair of regular boots, then met him in the grand hall. “Where can we go?” I asked.

  “I want to take you to my favorite pub.”

  “But I’m not supposed to leave the mountain. Can’t we just get your whiskey and go somewhere here, somewhere private?”

  “Nowhere here is private. It’ll be fine, Mariah. Trust me.”

  He reached for my hand and seconds later, we stood on the sidewalk outside the Rose and Crown. “Is this London?” I looked all around me, at the beautiful buildings and the pedestrians out and about at midnight. A double-decker bus passed. Excited and eager, I asked, “Can we go around and see some things?” It would be awesome to see Big Ben at night. And the Thames. We could stand on the bridge at the Tower of London and watch boats pass beneath.

  “Maybe later,” he said, tugging my hand. “Let’s go inside.”

  I followed and we took a seat in a booth not far from the bar. The pub was fairly crowded, most of the tables occupied, some guys standing in the corner, laughing. It was lovely, with lots of gleaming wood, brass, and thick, bottle green carpet. I wished Gustav could afford to fix his place up like this. He tried to make improvements, but money was so dear, he’d not been able to do much. His enthusiasm almost made up for it. I had no doubt he’d someday own a nicer pub than what he now had. I would miss him in some ways; not in others. He was my past, and even though he’d always been kind to me, protective even, he was a reminder. Not that I’d ever forget, but after this morning, I realized for the first time that I could eventually put it behind me, could lose the pain of it.

  Thanks to Phoenix. I inwardly smiled, wondering what he was doing at that very moment. Was he in the White House? Would he come to see me tonight? I felt a little breathless, thinking about it. I hoped he’d kiss me again.

  A pretty blond girl arrived almost immediately, and she knew Denys. Quite well, it appeared. She was smiling at him very happily. “I haven’t seen you in a while.”

  “I’ve been busy,” he said with a grin and a wink. “Brianna, I’d like you to meet my cousin, Mariah, from Romania. This is her first time in London.”

  She smiled at me. “How d’you do?”

  “Fine thanks. It’s nice to meet you.”

  “I know what this one wants,” she jerked her head toward Denys, “but what can I bring for you?”

  “I’d love some tea.”

  As soon as Brianna left, Denys lost his smile, gazing at me soberly. “He kissed you, didn’t he?”

  I didn’t answer.

  “You just spoke perfect English, Mariah. I’ll ask again – did he kiss you?”

  I hadn’t realized. Speaking English had been automatic. I supposed there was no point dodging the question. I’d outed myself without thinking. “Yes.”

  “So you know.”

  I nodded.

  “Are you going to stay?”

  Again, I nodded.

  “As Mephisto? Are you going to take the jump and be one of us? Are you going to be with him?”

  I hadn’t thought about it since this morning, since Phoenix kissed me and began my metamorphosis into Mephisto. He’d said I might like it, and I began to understand what he meant. I was energized, hyperaware of things I’d never noticed before, and the fear that never left me, whether conscious or subconscious, was at a low simmer instead of close to boiling over. Not feeling so afraid of the world, of life, of what was always in my head, was pretty righteous.

  “I’m not sure,” I said honestly. “I’d thought to be a Lumina because Mephisto means I have to kill people. I still don’t know if I can do that, but things are . . . not quite the same as before.”

  He was clearly bitter, his dark eyes filled with anger. “He’ll never le
t you not be Mephisto, never let you get away from him, surely you know this. Maybe you think he’s not so bad, maybe he’s been nice. I’d assume so if you let him kiss you.” He leaned forward and grabbed the hand I’d rested against the table, squeezing hard enough to hurt. “He’ll never leave you alone. Never. If you have any sense of self preservation, get out while you can. Lose Anabo. Go back to your life. Don’t stay with him.”

  “Let go of my hand.”

  He released me and sat back, his grin instantly returning with the arrival of Brianna and our beverages. He flirted with her. She flirted back. There was a suggestion of later. I wondered how many girls Denys had slept with in his lifetime? And I wondered if they all hoped for something more, or were they content to only be a sexual release for him? Then I wondered why I was so judgmental? It wasn’t like me and I was disturbed that I wanted to tell her she should stay away from Denys, that he would never be serious about her and she was wasting her time, her kisses, her body.

  I concentrated on my tea, plopping the silk bag in and out of the wee teapot, hurrying up the steeping. And all the while, I chastised myself. I had major issues with sex, which was understandable, but knowing I had a problem and dealing with it were two entirely different things. I hoped I wasn’t always so freaked out by it, or critical of girls who liked sex for what it was and didn’t attach any significance to it. Maybe Denys was good at it. Maybe Brianna knew it. Maybe she liked sex and didn’t have any expectations beyond getting naked with him.

  When she was gone again, I looked up and met his gaze. “I don’t understand your anger.”

  “He destroyed Jane. He took her to bed, then abandoned her. Why was she alone that night? If I found an Anabo meant for me, there’s no way in hell I’d leave her within an hour of our first time. He didn’t love her because he’s incapable of it. Please, Mariah, save yourself from an eternity of misery. Lose Anabo and live the rest of your life like ordinary people.”

  “What about my sister? Have you forgotten her? If I go back to my life, I’ll never see her again, and we’ve only just found each other.”