Only You (The Mephisto Covenant Series)

by Feagan, Stephanie

  “What does that mean?”

  He moved closer and I shivered from the bone-chilling cold. “You have an insurmountable hurdle just to love her. You feel affection and lust, as you did with Jane. You grieve for Mariah, for what she’s suffered. And you hear the whisper of how it might be, the indescribable joy that’s within reach. But at this moment, you don’t love her in any way that doesn’t directly affect you. It always comes back to you, doesn’t it? What will it take, I wonder, for you to love her earnestly and selflessly?”

  “Doesn’t what I’m doing now indicate the sincerity of my feelings for her?”

  “It indicates your need to relieve your guilt. You believe transferring the prospect of Mariah fulfilling the Mephisto Covenant to him will make it right. She’s merely a pawn. I repeat, the first step is to tell your brother of your deception. That night, you knew because you were warned. My message was crystal clear. Yet you married her before God and lay with her anyway, took what wasn’t yours, and committed a grievous wrong against her, your brother, me, your father, God, and all the Mephisto.”

  “I loved her. Maybe not enough, not yet, but I’d grown attached. We were very close. How could I let her go?”

  “I never said it would be easy. I offered my help and that of your father. Until that day, you didn’t know. As much as your brother was wronged, so were you. But once you knew, once it was clear that she wasn’t yours, you had the opportunity to do the right thing. You failed, monumentally, and she died because of your weakness. That wasn’t love, but selfishness and arrogance. You spent all the years afterward running from it, Phoenix, never realizing it wasn’t behind you, but ahead. You’re running toward it. You are here because it’s much closer than ever before.”

  I was drowning in shame.

  “If your tie to Jane was strong enough to tempt you into betraying your brother, what makes you think you can give up Mariah?”

  I faced the reality of never kissing her again, never talking to her about anything intimately personal, never again experiencing what had happened this morning, that euphoric feeling of coming home. In a very short time, I’d grown more attached to her than I ever imagined possible. I knew her and understood her far better than I’d ever known Jane.

  “It’s because of what I feel for her that I want to do this. She needs someone like him. Not me. I could never make her happy. She’d be miserable forever.”

  He was quiet for so long, I came close to panic. Was he angry? Disgusted? I had no idea. I resisted the overwhelming urge to fidget.

  “Tell her,” he said at last.

  “About Jane?”

  “All of it, and tell her of your intention to request divine intervention. If you will do this, if you lay your soul bare to her, I’ll make it so that any of your brothers could claim her. What happens after that is a question of personalities, hormones, and fate. If she chooses another, whether the brother you wronged, or any of the others, you will step aside and not interfere. If she chooses you, I expect you to honor her. But nothing happens unless you make it right with him and tell Mariah.”

  He wasn’t going to let this be easy. I could think of nothing more difficult or painful than meeting his demands.

  But I’d do it, because Mariah deserved this. She was so gentle, so soft and unassuming, beautiful and patient and wounded. I would do what had to be done so that she would be at peace.

  “I wonder whether you will find what eludes you?” He came closer and dropped his voice to a whisper. “What can lift you up beyond your father’s legacy and make you into the man you wish to be? I wonder . . .”

  He began to fade, and then he was gone, leaving me alone with Prince Albert and my never-ending guilt.

  I wandered around for several hours, stopping to stare up at Big Ben, always beautiful at night, then popping over to the bridge at the Tower of London to watch the boats pass beneath. It grew later and I became hungrier. I had missed dinner hour at home, and all the pubs were closed in London. A barge sluiced through the river below and the name painted across the back was Lily, which made me think of a favorite spot of ours in West Hollywood.

  I decided Lily’s would do for dinner, and popped myself to L.A. It was mobbed, as always, but I handed a hundred to the hostess and within ten minutes, I was seated in the middle of the place, ordering from a guy named Bo who acted like he knew me, which was weird because I’d never seen him before. I recognized some of the other wait staff, even had a wave from a girl named Gloria, but Bo wasn’t familiar at all.

  I ignored his creepy familiarity, as well as the overt looks I got from a couple of good looking young women seated close by. It had been a very long time, but I still remembered how this worked. In spite of their fear, or maybe because of it, girls were easy to attract, especially in places like Lily’s, dimly lit with sexy music and lots of liquor. I’d barely need to say anything and one of them, maybe both, would go with me anywhere I liked. When we were done, I’d bring them back, buy them a drink and disappear into the shadows, erasing their memory of me as I went.

  In all the years since Jane’s death, it had taken enormous willpower to ignore looks from beautiful girls. I rarely went out for that very reason.

  Tonight, I had no problem at all ignoring them, but their interest sent my mind tripping down a path I wished I could avoid. I was thinking way too much about naked bodies and sweaty skin and the orgasmic joy of wild and crazy sex. I remembered my dream about Mariah in exquisite detail. I remembered the feel of her soft, beautiful breasts, the taste of her, the desire in her smoky blue eyes.

  Shit. I had to get a grip.

  Bo brought me a salad, then he brought crab cakes, and after that he brought a steak with some kind of puffy potatoes and tiny asparagus. While I polished off the food and drained two more beers, I gave considerable thought to my next move.

  What I wanted to do was go home, go straight to Mariah’s room, and kiss her for an hour. I wanted to take her clothes off and hold her next to me for another hour. And I wanted to seduce her during all the hours after that.

  Would that I could. If I took that step, and it was a big if anyway because of her past, wouldn’t I be making the exact same transgression against my brother?

  Telling him the truth and giving up my claim to Mariah was the right thing to do. It would absolve me of guilt. It might go a long way toward mending the horrible rift I was about to make between us.

  But it meant losing Mariah, and everything in me fought against it. My tiny mental army stood on a hilltop and shouted Mine!

  He would love her, eventually, and she’d be much happier and more content than she could ever be with me. He had a gentle nature and would always be considerate and kind. He was a much better mate for her.

  It didn’t change that I wanted to die at the thought of letting her go.

  I was just pulling cash from my pocket to pay the check when Zee walked into the restaurant. I remembered then that it was Friday and Arcadia was playing tonight at Fawkes on Sunset. Of course he’d be there. It was his favorite band. And of course he’d come to Lily’s beforehand. It was a favorite of ours.

  But it was still freaking me out that he walked in at just that moment. Way too coincidental. Thinking of my too-friendly waiter, my mind flashed a mental picture of the barge named Lily at the same time I glanced down at the ticket to see how much I needed to pay. Right below the line for the tip were the words, Tell him. Now.

  Chapter 15

  ~~ Mariah ~~

  His low voice echoing in the hard, cold, tiled bathroom, Eryx asked, “Surprised to see me?”

  “A little. Everyone thinks you’re too busy chasing Jordan to pay attention to me.”

  “Ah, but you’re one of the most important things in her life. If I’m to win her, I’ll have to win you as well, won’t I?”

  “How did you find me?”

  “Dumb luck, really. I’ve been occasionally following my brothers, hoping they’d be arrogant and stupid enough to take you into the
real world. Makes sense it’d be Denys who’d screw you over. His life can be distilled to the bottom of a bottle. It’d be sad if it wasn’t so pathetic.”

  “What do you want?”

  “I’d like to take you to my home, to get to know you, and show you around. After Jordan comes to live with me, I want you to join us. She’ll be better situated if she has you there.”

  He was clearly operating in an alternate reality. “Is she coming to live with you?”

  “She doesn’t know it yet, but yes, she is.”

  I turned and unlocked the door. “A gracious offer, but no, thank you.”

  It locked again and he was right behind me. “Come along with me for a brief visit. I’ll bring you right back and the drunken fool will never even know you were gone. At this very moment, he’s taking the lovely Brianna to the manager’s office for a little slap and tickle on the boss’s sofa.”

  I turned and looked up at him. “Why would I believe you? If what they say about you is true, you’re incapable of honesty.”

  He was very close now, staring down into my face. I squashed my instinctive need to put space between myself and another human being. I would not show any of my quirks, phobias or fears. I had no choice but to go with him. I couldn’t run from him, and even if I screamed, even if Denys heard me, by the time he popped in here, I’d already be gone. I would go with Eryx and he would kill me.

  I thought of all the times I’d wished I could die. Now, when I felt more hopeful than I could ever remember, when I had the promise of something wonderful, I was going to get my wish. If it weren’t so tragic, it’d be hysterically funny. I wasn’t afraid. I was pissed. But I’d never let him know it.

  His expression was odd, almost sad. “Will you go with me?”

  “Like I have a choice?” What else was new? The only thing it appeared I’d ever get to choose was which underwear to put on after my shower. Everything else hinged on the whims of others. God, I was so tired of it. “Let’s go then, and get this over with.”

  He looked more sad. “Aren’t you afraid of me?”

  I shrugged. “I’m afraid of very few things. You’re not on the list. But I can fake it if you like.”

  “Are you good at faking things?”

  “I could win awards.”

  He took my arm and everything went dark.

  When I could see again, I was in a library. It wasn’t as large as the Mephisto library, but impressive all the same. Like the Mephisto house, there were a multitude of candles in sconces all around the room, illuminating the bindings of the books and the polished walnut in a pleasing blend of soft colors. I glanced around as he stepped away from me. “A reader, are you?”

  “Yes, always. Eternal life on Earth can get very boring. And for me, very lonely. I survive by reading.” He was watching me. “That surprises you, doesn’t it? Did you think I sit in a cave and plot the demise of mankind while twirling my moustache and laughing maniacally?”

  “Would you be crushed if I told you I haven’t given you or your daily routine much thought at all?”

  “A little. I like to instill fear, but you appear to be perfectly calm.”

  “Yes, well, I’ve now seen the library. Very nice. Can we continue the tour so you can kill me and get it over with? Dragging this out isn’t going to be fun for you because no matter what you do or say, I won’t be afraid.” I wasn’t faking this. I really wasn’t afraid. Sad, because I’d only just realized how lovely life could be, but not afraid. After Emilian, I wasn’t afraid of pain or death.

  So Eryx would kill me and Phoenix would grieve and Denys would feel guilty. I’d be in Heaven, with my parents and God. There was no escape, so why give him the pleasure of watching me try? He might also rape me, and the thought made me extremely anxious, but I would deal with that by mentally escaping.

  “Have they told you about me?”

  “That you raped Jane, then murdered her? That you killed my sister and plan to infiltrate the U.S. government with your followers? That you have a master plan to grow powerful enough to take over Hell? Yes, I know all about you, Eryx.”

  “For the record, I didn’t actually rape her.”

  “What did you actually do to her?”

  “I convinced her of certain truths about the Mephisto. Then I kissed her, and things got very dodgy after that. I didn’t want to kill her, but it became necessary.”

  “Are you always a liar, or just when it suits you?”

  “Not always, but I lie quite often. It’s part and parcel of what I do. In this case, however, I’m not lying. Oh, I told Phoenix I raped her, but you have to understand brothers, Mariah. We’re a nasty bunch in the best of times, and taunting each other, getting in fights, aiming always to be on top is simply a byproduct of male sibling rivalry run amok. I wanted to dish back a bit of it. They’ve always hated me because I was my mother’s favorite. Except Key. He tried to kill me a few times because of his jealousy, but he never hated me.”

  “None of them hated you until you murdered your mother.”

  “True, but they resented me. Our father was never around much, and I took on the role of head of the house.” He shrugged. “I didn’t rape her. It may strike you as strange, or even funny, but I’m much too fastidious. I’m very attractive to females, other than Anabo, so raping women isn’t necessary. I find willing partners with ease.”

  “Rape isn’t about sex. It’s about power and control.”

  “Yes, I understand, so think about who I am. I’ve gathered millions of souls over the course of a thousand years. You don’t get much more control than that. I want to control all of humanity. Why would I find any kind of satisfaction in controlling a woman long enough to rape her? I wouldn’t. It’s disgusting. So you see, while I readily admit I killed Jane, I assure you I didn’t rape her.”

  “I want to believe you. I’m sorry that I don’t.”

  There was that wry smile again. “You’re very much like your sister in this respect. I can’t get her to believe anything I say.”

  “You’re kidding me, aren’t you?”

  He sobered. “Not at all. She won’t believe my sincere regard for her and my wish to make her happy.”

  “You’re blowing my mind.”

  “I begin to perceive your astonishment, but be assured, I’m not kidding. As for yourself, I confess I’m equally stunned. Will you tell me how you can be so calm when others would be shaking, crying, trying to run away?”

  “No. Just know that I’m prepared for pain and death, and won’t react in any way that might gratify you. So do us both a favor and get on with it. No need to show me around on some lame pretense of me considering living here.”

  “It’s the sensible thing to do, to ensure you never become Mephisto and take up the fight against me, or bear Mephisto children who’ll grow up to join the war, but as much as it’s practical to kill you, I can’t. Jordan would be upset.”

  “I thought your plan was to use me for leverage.”

  He shook his head. “That won’t work with your sister. Although it would wound her terribly to let you die, she would because she’s stronger than my will.” He had a look of wonder on his handsome face. “She’s the most extraordinary person I’ve ever known, and considering I’ve been alive for over a thousand years, that’s saying a lot.”

  I peered at him, looking for any hint of sincerity. Incredibly, he seemed seriously enamored of my sister. I was certain he was incapable of love, but what he felt for Viorica went way beyond lust and infatuation. He actually appeared to admire her and want to please her. Very strange. “Why are you allowing yourself to believe she’ll willingly come here and be with you? She won’t, Eryx. Ever.”

  He smiled and just like the other brothers, it changed his face. That’s when I saw the charm. In spite of his dead eyes, he looked warm and friendly. “We’ll see.” He walked to the door and waved his hand. “Shall we?”

  I walked out the library door, into a wide corridor, and wondered if I might actua
lly make it out of here alive.

  Eryx moved close and looked down at me from those dead, black eyes. He was still smiling when he plunged a knife into my heart.

  ~~ Phoenix ~~

  Zee saw me as I stood. Our eyes met across a sea of tables and people, and something in the way he stared at me gave me chills. In that weird, inexplicable way he had, he knew something. But what? I looked down just long enough to throw some cash on top of the ticket and when I looked again, he was gone.

  I hurried out of Lily’s and saw him striding off down Santa Monica, his trench coat flying out behind him in the strong Santa Ana winds. I ran after him, and when I caught up, he said, “Go with me to Fawkes.”

  “Zee, I—”

  “Just go with me, Phoenix, and don’t say anything.”

  Fawkes on Sunset was way too far to walk, but I guess he wasn’t ready to be there yet, so we continued walking. I debated what I would say to him, but nothing absolved me, nothing made it sound any better than what it was – complete and total betrayal.

  Ten minutes later, when anxiety had reduced me to a mass of knotted nerves and dread, he came to a dead stop in front of Fred’s Dry Cleaners, grabbed my arm and pulled me around to face him. “How did you know? I was so fucking careful, made damn sure I never let it show. How did you know she wasn’t . . . that I was . . .”

  He knew. All along, he’d known she was his. Why had he never said anything? Confused and stunned, I answered, “A message from Lucifer the day we were to be married.”

  “So you knew when you . . . when—”

  “Yes, brother, I knew. And I did it anyway. I never had a clue that you knew she was for you. All this time, I—”

  “You’ve lived with the guilt. You gave up everything as some sort of twisted atonement. Did you plan to ever tell me?”

  I couldn’t stop swallowing. Seeing the hurt in his eyes, I wanted to scream. I wanted to bang my head against the plate glass window of Fred’s Dry Cleaners until it shattered, until I was bleeding. “That night, after . . . I was eaten up with guilt. I realized what a horrible mistake I’d made, how badly I’d betrayed you, and her, and I left. I told her to pack, that I’d be back to get her, but I wasn’t going back. I walked around London, wishing I had it to do over again, that I could change it. I tried to gather the courage to find you and tell you, but I couldn’t do it. I figured one of you would go to her, eventually, and take her home and look after her. I thought you’d realize I’d gotten it wrong, that she was intended for you all along, and you’d be with her and she’d finally be happy. She was never happy with me, Zee. She tried, and I know she loved me, but it was never right and I didn’t know why until that day. I was headed into a church to off myself, was actually on the steps of St. Paul’s, when a group of guys jumped me, hauled me into an alley, and beat the shit out of me. They were Lucifer’s. I was told I wouldn’t be allowed to die until I made it right with you. And with her.”