Stealing Grace

by Shelby Fallon

  Elena couldn’t seem to help herself though. Alex was definitely revved up by something. She pulled back to gasp for air and could barely get the words whispered out.

  “Alex! What are you doing! We’re in the hall. People can see.”

  “Ok then, I can fix that.”

  Alex whirled her around to the closet door next to them and pulled her in not even turning the light on. They continued kissing intently, though Elena still thought it inappropriate. Alex had a new want that Elena hadn’t seen before, but she couldn’t make herself stop kissing him.

  She reached her hands up to his chest but instead of pushing him away she pulled him closer with his shirtfront. Elena! You are a grown woman! Grown women do not have sex with their husbands in closets in federal buildings!

  She finally put reasoning thought to action and pushed him away easy. Her head was spinning now and she scrambled to remember the reason she needed him to stop. Oh yeah.

  “Alex, we can not do this here. What’s gotten into you?”

  “I’m sorry,” Alex breathed but didn’t look sorry as he smiled smugly. He still didn’t let her go of her waist. “I just...I just started thinking about things watching you and got a little riled up. You’re gonna be a very sexy mommy.”

  He laughed. He leaned in to kiss her again but this was different; tame. He had come to his senses, Elena thought.

  He flipped on the closet light and stared at her with his smoldering blue eyes, very close and she could feel his breath on her face, not helping her want to stop at all. He knew just what to do to make her weak.

  “Elena, I’m not saying we should do this now but,” he chuckled bashfully before going on, seeing the crazy idea for what it was, “I do want to do this. Look, I know we said we’d wait and we still can wait a little bit for the trial to be over but...I want to start trying.”

  “For a baby?” Her breath caught. “Alex, I thought we agreed on this. We wanted to wait to give us some time to be together alone before we add a baby to the mix?” Elena was almost yelling now in disbelief.

  “Yeah, I know,” he said, bewildered by her outburst, “but seeing you just now just made me realize how old I am and how ready I am. We aren’t our parents. We are going to be great, especially you. And you look so beautiful in there just now with those kids, so natural,” he said happily and skimmed the backs of his fingers down her cheek.

  “Alex...I don’t know. I’m scared. I know you think I’m ready but, I don’t know. I feel the same way about you, watching you watch that little girl makes my heart jump but...that doesn’t mean we’re ready to have a baby of our own.”

  “No one is ever ready to have a baby, sweetheart. You’ve just gotta have a little faith, El. I’m not gonna pressure you but, I just want you to know that I want to try. Not today but one day, so think-” He wasn’t done but Elena cut him off.

  “I’m going to warn you, I don’t think I’m gonna budge on this.” She shook her head at his taken aback expression. “I’m sorry. I know that’s not what you wanna hear but...this is a big thing and it’s only been a few months, and we don’t have a house or a job. I don’t even want to think about it yet.”

  Elena could see the disappointment on Alex’s face but he was scaring her with all this. She knew the time frame or the house situation or the money didn’t make any difference to her but couldn’t think of anything else to say in her defense. Alex still had plenty of his stash left.

  She was scared because she was afraid she wouldn’t be able to do it, be a mom. She was afraid she didn’t know how. It was one thing to dream about having a baby, it was entirely another to try to jump her in a hall closet and make the decision to literally make a baby right there.

  They hadn’t had a single fight the whole time they’d been together and Elena felt terrible about it now.

  It wasn’t really a ‘fight’ but she didn’t like disagreeing with him and she especially didn’t like that disappointing look on his face, the look that her actions put there.

  He saw her look of distress over it all and kissed her easily on her lips and hands.

  “Ok, El, whatever you want,” he said softly.

  Of course he tries to fix this. I’m the one who should feel guilty for getting so upset but here he is, comforting me. He smiled a little wry grin and peeked outside to see if anyone was coming, leading her by the hand back down the hall to see what else could be done today.

  * * *

  As heart broken as he was by her odd reaction and rejection of the idea all together, knowing how stubborn she was, he didn’t want that to be a wedge between them, especially not now with everything else that was going on. Being around Amy wasn’t going to help things for either of them.

  Roger was waiting at the door, watching Amy with the women through the one way glass in the commons room. Elena went in to get her and hugged some of the willing girls goodbye. She wondered how much longer they would come to see them, how long before they would be released.

  * * *

  As they were escorted from the locked corridor and made their way through the parking lot, Roger and Amy were talking incessantly about their day and experiences. Elena and Alex walked silently, holding hands. Alex sat in the back of the truck with her, looking despondently out his window.

  Elena didn’t know what bothered him more; her refusal to try for a baby or her yelling at him. She felt three inches tall knowing that lying to him about her fears wasn’t the best way to handle it, nor any situation but she felt stupid. He’d just try to tell her what he said before. That she’d be fine, she’d get the hang of being a mother, it was her choice to be good at it, it was natural. Elena didn’t want to be talked into it. She wanted to want it.

  Roger and Amy was so enthralled in their discussion they didn’t even notice the other couples quietness or distance, which Elena was fine with. She really didn’t want to talk to Amy about it and Alex had good arguments. They were getting older, Alex was third of the way to twenty eight, she was still young, a mere twenty two but in her mind, she felt older. And she knew without a shadow of a doubt that they would be together always, that wasn’t even a thought to ponder.

  She loved him more than anything and she did want a baby; his baby. She felt it so much when she was in that room with those sweet children. Why am I letting my fear control me? Alex will be a great dad, you know that. And you want a baby too, so what’s the problem?

  As they walked up to their rooms and said goodnight to Roger and Amy, Elena immediately began making some supper of sandwiches and chips. She couldn’t wait until she could really cook again. Bachelor food was getting old.

  She could feel Alex’s eyes on her back but refused to turn around, afraid she might lose it if she looked into his eyes that knew too much, but she didn’t want to fight all night either.

  Isn’t this kind of argument usually the other way around, Elena thought, the women trying to push marriage and kids on the man? It was too quiet in there. Elena went to turn on the air conditioner in the corner, just for some noise. She could hear her heart pounding, even though she knew Alex couldn’t. She couldn’t stand the silence.

  She bumped her head slightly on the hanging lamp above the table as everyone did when they walked past, as it hung way too low, even for her somewhat shorter frame. She couldn’t think enough to be embarrassed, though Alex was still watching her.

  She turned to hand him his plate without even looking at him and went to return to her own but he grabbed her arm. She wouldn’t look at him still. Just stood, waiting for the inevitable fight to continue.

  Would he finally get tired of her being stubborn? Would he be angry? It was his decision too. They were married. One person doesn’t make all the decisions, even big ones like babies, especially those.

  Alex set his plate on the bedside table and grabbed her other arm, gently pulling her towards him on his lap. Elena still couldn’t look, she knew the second she looked in his eyes the tears would come. He would misinterpret them an
d think she was terribly unhappy, not wanting a baby with him or worse when really she was just a coward.

  She sat straddling his legs on the bed as he pulled up her chin with his thumb to forcing her to look at him. Here it comes. Elena tried to keep her face straight as she still refused to look into his eyes. He just stared at her for a few moments, gauging a reaction.

  “El, look at me.” Alex spoke soft but firm. Elena paced herself, slowly raising her eyes to look into his. “Tell me what’s really wrong. I know it’s crazy to think about having a baby right now, I just got caught up in the moment. But your reaction...makes me think you’ll never want to have this discussion.”

  Elena could feel the confession coming.

  “Alex,” she breathed and the tears started, “I just can’t. I’m scared, not just scared, scared to death that I’ll not know what to do or...I’ll be like my mom. I don’t doubt you at all, I know you’ll be great and I don’t doubt us or the house or the money, I’m sorry I said that. I just don’t trust myself to be what I’m supposed to be for someone who would depend on me completely,” Elena confessed through tears and could see the relief on Alex’s face and he breathed a long sigh.

  “That’s what this is about? El, everyone feels like that to some extent. I thought you were... I thought you didn’t want to have kids with me, because you weren’t sure about us. And then you were so quiet on the way home, I didn’t know what to think.” Elena knew that’s what he would think. He rubbed her arms with his palms. “Elena, believe it or not, most couples that have a baby do it together. I’m not going anywhere which means that little person wouldn’t be just dependant on you. I would be with you every step. I’m sorry I got carried away, I’m sorry I scared you. I really just wanted you to marvel with me about the possibility of having kids one day. I’ll always be here, El, always. And I’ll wait...as long as you need me to.”

  “And I love you for that.”

  He wiped her tears with his thumbs under her eyes then grabbed her face with both hands and brought his mouth to hers with a renewed urgency and appreciation for it. When she could finally gasp for air she still could barely get her words out.

  “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. I hate fighting with you. Hate it,” she said through ragged breaths and grateful tears.

  “Me too. I’m sorry-”

  “It’s not your fault. I lied-”

  “I pushed too hard-”

  “Not even-”

  “I’m so sorr-”

  Elena didn’t want him to go on, this was her fault.

  She grabbed his collar, pulling him hard to her, kissing him with a new passion. He wrapped his arms around her waist just as eagerly and fiercely, then rolled her over onto the bed.

  Wow. Make-up sex is definitely the best sex.

  * * *

  The next couple of weeks were pretty much the same, going to the facility, sitting in the motel, microwave dinners. The first part of the trial was to begin for the community on Monday. They still had not moved on the traffickers yet.

  From what the other women had told Elena and Amy, the whole community knew that they four were the ones responsible for the bust.

  They all decided to go to the arraignment and watch, even though it wasn’t their day to testify, face the community as one last closing act before headed out to try to start their life again. Agent Wright had assured them they could leave after the arraignment and their testimonies which would take all this week. He would be the only one to know where they were to go after that.

  * * *

  It was Saturday, Alex was pouring over newspapers and maps trying to find a place to settle for a while. Roger was helping. They had all discussed it and it would be better if they were all in the same area together.

  Maybe not the same house anymore, but the same city at least. Elena and Amy were down doing laundry at the mat located in the basement at the motel. Amy’s pregnant belly was just barely starting to show now. The motel manager let them use his push cart for their laundry.

  He was a nice man, always wearing old plain white t-shirts with blue suspenders and corduroys. He had told them ‘the names Morty, but call me Mr. Bill’. No one asked him to elaborate on that.

  He didn’t know everything about their situation but enough to know they were all there under federal protection. He let them use the laundry mat for free during their stay and even let Alex use his computer in the office for house and relocation hunting and other such things.

  Elena was trying to drown out the honky-tonk music on the radio, blaring in the basement. She and Amy had talked about everything between her and Alex’s baby discussions, Amy’s pregnancy, the women at the facility. Amy was very understanding and a great listener.

  Sometimes, people don’t need to say anything. Sometimes people just need to vent and be listened to. Elena thought Amy was a pro at deciding which one was necessary.

  “I’m just not sure I’m ready. In fact, I know I’m not.”

  Elena explained her past, her parents and family, her leaving and never looking back. Her grandmother.

  “Now how can I be a mother with that kinda baggage dragging me down? I’m not fit. I’ve had no model or instructions. It’s like a chef going into the kitchen to cook breaded veal chops and doesn’t even know what veal is!”

  Amy laughed loudly and sympathized.

  Once they were done folding their own laundry, Elena spotted the motel sheets and towels in one of the dryers. They folded those too for Mr. Bill and left them lined up on the table for him.

  They made their way to the service elevator, the only way to get down to the basement but the button wasn’t lit up. Amy pressed it a few futile times anyway, but to no avail.

  Elena began looking for stairs when they heard a man laughing. They both froze. Elena trying not to panic, still frantically searching for the stairs but couldn’t find a door anywhere. Then the light suddenly lit on the elevator and they both scrambled to get on and press the door close button.

  Once on the second floor they debated telling the men, knowing they’d go looking for trouble. Was it just someone down there working, minding his own business and they jumped to conclusions?

  Elena had learned her lesson about lying to Alex. The guilt wouldn’t let her function so she would tell him, right this minute. What if it had been someone looking for them? The Traffickers? Maybe it was a nobody but she needed to know.

  Roger and Alex were both disturbed by the girl’s news and locked them in the room as they ran down to get Agent Wright and head down to check out the basement. They were gone about twenty minutes before returning. Agent Wright and another officer checked the rooms for bugs and anything else to indicate someone had been there and disturbed things but found nothing so they left.

  “We couldn’t find anyone or anything. Mr. Bill said he doesn’t have anyone working for him so he doesn’t know who it was and had never had trouble with the elevator so...how about no more solo trips around the motel, ok.” Alex was talking to both of the girls but looking right into Elena’s eyes.

  Trying to sound light and not upset but Elena could tell he was freaked.

  “You don’t have to tell me twice,” Amy said hugging Roger. “I’ll just be glad when this is all over with.”

  “Me too,” that was all Elena could manage to say.

  She reached up to hug Alex and felt his arms shaking but didn’t say anything else. Is he telling me everything? Is he really that scared of something we’re not even sure of? If someone was here and wanted to hurt us, he would have told me then...right?

  * * *

  Since they had missed every one they planned to go to, all four went to a church service the next day. It was ok, Elena thought. Everyone’s mind seemed to be elsewhere, but the service was nice, a good mixture of cultures and age groups and music.

  Elena liked hymns but liked some of the newer music too. She enjoyed it and hoped they would all return, with a more willing heart that wasn’t preoccupied with weary ag
endas and worry about the coming week and events.

  * * *

  Monday morning was dreary, like the mood in the courtroom. It was raining, mud and yuck was everywhere. Alex and the three sat on the prosecution side and had gotten a few gasps and evil eye stares since they came in to sit. They had quite a gathering of individuals on the other side of the rows, staring them down.

  Agent Wright had come in to sit with them. Elena couldn’t imagine the betrayal the men must have felt as they sat there, knowing they were going to jail and looking at the people who were putting them there, let alone it being someone they knew.

  Elena wanted to stick her tongue out at them or point or scream that they were getting what they deserved but didn’t think any of that would go over very well. The judge was an older gentleman. Elena hoped that would help, old fashioned values and all.

  Agent Wright had told them that a few of the men had tried to roll over on the others for leniency in exchange for a testimony. But with the four of their testimonies, they didn’t need anything else for the case and wanted the men to receive maximum sentencing.

  As they listened to the judge and lawyers go back and forth it was apparent this was an open and shut case. There would be no tolerance and Elena was thrilled. Now, if they could just catch the traffickers, though it would in no way shut down trafficking everywhere but might cause a small dent. It was better than standing back and doing nothing.

  No one even seemed phased when some of the men started to rebel, pushing the guards and yelling sometimes at each other or the judge, even courtroom members. One even pushed all the papers off the lawyers’ desk onto the floor in a fit of rage and starting pulling at his own hair. To Elena and the rest, they had seen it all before.