I Hear You Calling

by Helen Line

  ‘Are we staying here Dad?

  ‘For a couple of hours at least. We may well go back on the road after we have rested.’

  I throw off my trainers and socks and run and run. The sand feels soft and squidgy and goes in between my toes but I don’t care, even when I tread on a pebble I don’t care and even when tears suddenly pour out of my eyes and run down my face, I don’t care.

  Then Dad gets some soap and shampoo out of the car boot and we have a bath in the sea; it’s freezing cold but it feels good. We wrap ourselves up in the bath towels that Dad had bought from the caravan park when he found out that he had forgotten to bring ones from home. Dad leans back against a massive rock and stares out to sea. I stare at Dad while he isn’t looking at me. His wet hair is curly and sticking up and his beard is getting longer. His chin is sticking out and he looks just like the caveman I had seen in a history book at school.

  ‘You look funny Dad.’

  ‘Thanks son.’ He smiles then for the first time in days.

  Remembering that I have promised the Princess to have a talk about going home I think this might be the best time to do it.

  ‘When can we go home Dad?’

  I am waiting for him to shout at me again but this time he doesn’t.

  ‘I dunno Rich,’ he says really quietly. ‘Things are a bit difficult right now.’

  ‘Why was our picture in the paper?’

  ‘Cos your Mum panics. She called the police and told them that I had run away with you. I only ever wanted what was best for you Rich, you know that don’t you?’

  Dad looks at me and he has great big tears running down his face. I am shocked, I have never seen him cry like this before.

  ‘I know Dad, let me ring her and tell her that you haven’t run away with me and that we are coming home. Then she can tell the police and it will be ok again.’

  For a minute I think he is going to say yes, he stares at me and I know he is thinking about it. Then he shakes his head and his face goes hard as stone again.

  ‘No can do kiddo. It’s back on the road for us again as soon as we are dressed.’

  Rae

  I was worried about the boy. Something was wrong and I felt as if I had to do something to help him. But what? There was this nagging story at the back of my mixed up thoughts, I just knew there was, but I still couldn’t reach it.

  I sat by the lake a lot, waiting for him to come because the lake was usually the first place he came to when he visited. I never knew when he would appear, sometimes it felt like he came a lot, sometimes he just stayed a very short while and others he was here far longer. But now it felt like I hadn’t seen him for a long spell. And somehow I just knew it was important that I see him.

  Then I thought I would try to call out to him, in case he was there but in a place I couldn’t see.

  ‘Sir Justaboy, are you there?’

  There was no response. I tried one more time.

  ‘Hello my little knight, can you hear me? It’s me, your princess.’

  For a second I thought I heard his small voice but then it faded away.

  I had to find him, I had to reach him somehow.

  I imagined his small outline with the carroty red hair and tried to push everything I had towards him.

  ‘Hello, it’s me, your princess. Can you hear me?’

  Richard

  I can hear the Princess; I am wide awake but I can hear her voice clearly in my ear. “Hello Princess.” I think the words, hoping that was the way it works.

  It was.

  “Where are you, and what is happening?” she asks.

  “Back in the car. We have been on a beach and had a bath in the sea.” I tell her.

  “Did you tell him you want to go home?”

  “I tried but he said no. He says we are in the newspaper ‘cos Mum thinks he has run away with me and that we can’t go back yet.”

  She goes really quiet for ages after that and I think that I have lost her.

  “Are you still there Princess?” I think.

  “I’m here. I thought I remembered something important for a moment then but it’s gone again.”

  “Princess, I am really glad I have got you to talk to.”

  “Me too, Justaboy, me too.”

  “Princess, my name isn’t really Justaboy you know. It’s Richard. My real name is Richard Banks.”

  And then she really is gone. I try thinking lots of thoughts for ages but nothing comes back from her.

  Jen

  Pam and Tom were at the bedside with me when she moved her hand. They saw it too. We all just stared as, first one finger then another, lifted slightly from the duvet on which it lay before resting down again.

  Pam, bless her, burst into tears and Tom leapt up from his chair and rushed towards the door, intending to fetch a nurse or doctor I assumed.

  I just sat there and smiled.

  As Dr Killarney shone the torch into her eyes he made a little noise of satisfaction, a bit like Mark does when he eats cake.

  ‘It looks promising,’ was all he would commit himself to as he turned back to face me.

  I didn’t stop smiling all afternoon and evening, I smiled right up until Mark dropped his bombshell just before bedtime.

  We had shared a Chinese take-a-way and a bottle of wine to celebrate the promise of Rae’s return. I was feeling very content and sleepy when Mark came in from the kitchen having bedded Barney down for the night.

  He lowered himself slowly down into the armchair opposite where I sat and his face was as pale as his voice was shaky.

  ‘Jen, I need to tell you something.’

  I swear my heart stopped for at least 30 seconds. This was it then, this was the scene where the guy tells his totally unsuspecting partner that he has been having a secret affair for the last four years. Or that he has milked their joint bank account dry in an attempt to cover up his fraudulent dealings at work.

  ‘What?’ My voice sounded like a frog.

  ‘It’s all my fault.’

  ‘What is?’

  ‘Everything that has happened to Jen.’

  ‘What on earth are you talking about Mark?’

  ‘I told Jim where she was living,’ he spoke quietly but really quickly, as if he needed to spit the words out before he swallowed them forever.

  ‘You did what? How? I don’t understand.’

  ‘Do you remember Jim came with us on my stag party? We went to Dublin for the weekend.’

  He paused as if waiting for a response but I just stared at him wondering where all of this was going.

  ‘Well, I did a stupid thing that I have bitterly regretted ever since. Jim knew about it and a few months ago he emailed me and threatened to tell you about it if I didn’t tell him where Rae had moved to. I’m so sorry Jen. I didn’t know he was going to do all of this.’

  My poor exhausted brain was struggling to make sense of this. I sat staring into space and waiting for something to kick into gear.

  ‘Please say something,’ he pleaded. ‘Even if it’s just get out.’

  ‘Did you not remember what Jim did to Rae?’ was my first question. ‘Had you forgotten the years of mental torture she suffered and the months of total breakdown she had after it all ended? Or did you just not care?’

  And then, before he had a chance to answer, I realised what he had said about his reasoning.

  ‘What was it that was so bad you were scared enough to put her back at risk of that happening again? What didn’t you want me to find out Mark?’

  His face was very pale as he answered reluctantly, ‘I slept with a prostitute.’

  ‘Slept?’ I sneered.

  ‘OK, I deserve you to be pissed off with me.’

  ‘Pissed off? Pissed off? Are you stupid? She has been followed, threatened, had her dog
stolen and almost killed and you say I have a right to be pissed off. Well thanks for your kind permission. And you’d better pray that Rae is going to be ok now, or else you will be the next victim of domestic abuse, that I can promise you.’

  He sat dejectedly in the armchair and took another drink.

  ‘I can’t tell you how bad I have been feeling these last few months,’ he began.

  I interrupted him angrily; ‘Please don’t expect my sympathy Mark, please don’t expect me to care how bad you might be feeling. My sister has been unconscious for over a week because of something selfish that you did to cover up for something stupid and vile that you did years ago. I don’t care how you feel, no actually, I do. I hope you feel so fucking awful that you can’t live with yourself. I am going to bed and I don’t want to speak to you or even think about you any more tonight.’

  Of course I didn’t sleep. Every muscle I possessed was as tense as it could be, my jaw was clenched so tight that my teeth were aching.

  No wonder he had tried to get out of coming to the hospital. No wonder he had stood in the doorway looking at her as if he couldn’t bear it.

  No bloody wonder he had tears in his eyes on the drive home. Guilt. That’s what he was feeling, guilt. And so he should the selfish bastard.

  I was so angry with him on Rae’s behalf that I didn’t even question how I felt about the prostitute thing until the next morning.

  Rae

  “Richard Banks,” the boy said and something in my head lit up like a neon sign. In the same instant Narnia faded and drew away from me, disappearing into the distance, growing smaller and smaller until it became a tiny spot of colour before totally closing.

  I was back in the greyness.

  My mind was racing; stray words that had been haunting me in Narnia began to fling themselves together into sentences that hit my thinking with a speed that made it impossible for me to grasp their meaning.

  “Richard Banks needs my help” “His father has taken him away”

  “My name is Rae” “The police are looking for them” “I need to help him”

  “Jim tried to kill me” “Barney needs me” “School – a place I work”

  Things were coming back to me thick and fast, words and whole sentences hurtling towards me like a hailstorm.

  Narnia was a place in a book that I had loved as a child. I used to pretend that I was a Queen there.

  I knew Richard Banks. He was connected with a school and there was trouble going on around his father.

  I had been very scared. Flashes of images started to build amongst the words.

  A dark figure coming towards me, red and black flashes, the sound of a dog barking, vomit on a pair of shiny black shoes. The sensation of falling.

  A woman’s voice saying: ‘Come back to us Rae.’

  A man’s voice saying: ‘The police are searching for Chris and Richard. No-one knows where they are.’

  I knew Richard, I knew where he was and I had to help him.

  “Richard, Richard, please speak to me.” I willed.

  There was no response, I feared the link was gone forever but I could not stop trying.

  Richard

  We are parked on an empty car park at the back of a big building. I have been hungry for hours. There is no water left in the small bottle in the back of the car, it had been warm and not nice but I had gulped it down a couple of hours ago. Dad says we have to wait until it gets dark and then he will go out and try to get us some food and water. He says that I will have to stay in the car while he is gone because people are looking out for a man and a boy and if he is on his own they might not recognise him, especially now he has a beard.

  I am very scared. I am very scared of my own Dad. I plan that when he leaves the car I will run away and find someone to help me get back to Mum. Not a man, ‘cos of stranger-danger, but maybe a little old lady or a couple or a shop-keeper will be able to help me.

  But when the light starts to fade and Dad gets ready to go off for food he puts the child locks on the doors and locks the driver’s door behind him. I am trapped. Then I start to think what if the police find Dad and take him off the station and he won’t tell them where I am? I could be stuck here for hours, maybe even die?

  I start to bang on the window, trying to break it so that I can crawl out but it doesn’t even splinter. I take off my shoe and hit it with that but it’s no good.

  And then this strange pain comes into my chest and I can’t breathe properly.

  I feel sick and my head goes all spinny. I have to get out, quick.

  ‘I hate you Dad’ I scream.

  Screaming seems to help, I don’t feel quite so ill then. So I try it again.

  ‘Dad you are a big fat fucking bastard.’

  As I shout out the words I take my shoe and smash the mirror on the windscreen. Everything is just red now, I’m even thinking. I just take hold of one of the broken mirror pieces and start slashing the leather driver’s seat next to me and all the time I am shouting and swearing.

  And then I feel the warmth running down my leg and I cry. I have pee’d myself.

  I climb into the back of the car and curl up on the back seat. I haven’t wet myself since I was about four years old. Putting my thumb into my mouth I fall into a deep sleep.

  I think I hear a lion roaring and wake up with my heart beating really fast.

  The car door is open and Dad is peering in; it’s him roaring, not a lion.

  ‘Richard, wake up,’ he bellows in my ear. ‘What on earth has gone on here?’

  As I struggle to open my sore eyes Dad angrily throws two packets of crisps at me. One hits me on the cheek and the other lands in my wet lap.

  ‘I have walked miles to get some food for you and this is the way you thank me.’ Dad is screaming now. ‘Have you gone mad?’

  I look at the car, the broken mirror, the carved up leather seat, the wet patch on my seat and the strong smell of wee and I am so scared I begin to cry really hard.

  ‘Is that all you can do?’ Dad pushes his face into mine. He is all red and sweaty and he has spit on the corner of his mouth.

  ‘Stop snivelling and tell me what you have done and why.’

  I can’t speak, I can’t stop crying.

  Dad gets back out of the car and slams the door angrily. He locks it again.

  ‘I’m going for a walk along the beach to help me calm down,’ he calls through the closed window. ‘You need to pull yourself together while I’m gone ready to talk when I get back.’

  It’s really dark now and I lie on the back seat trying to think what to say to him when he gets back. But I can’t think of anything. It’s like my mind won’t work anymore. And that’s when I hear her, calling me.

  “Hello Princess,” I think.

  “Oh Richard, thank goodness you have come. I have been calling for you for ages.”

  “Princess, I am really scared.”

  “Tell me what is happening.”

  “Dad is so angry with me ‘cos I wrecked the car and I wet myself.”

  “Richard my brave little Lion Heart, do you know where you are?”

  “At the sea-side. I’m in the car and Dad has gone for a walk because he is so angry with me.”

  “Do you know the name of the town where you are?”

  “No.”

  “Think back to the signs you saw Richard. Can you remember any of the letters on them?”

  I try really hard. “There was one starting with an A and it had a W in it as well.”

  “That’s good. Well done, well spotted little knight. Do you remember anything else about where you are?”

  I try really hard again but I can’t think of anything else.

  “Do you know where you are going to be sleeping tonight?”

  “Here, I think, in the car….I tore
the door of the dashboard and cut up the seats.”

  “Don’t worry about it Richard. You are doing really well you know and I think that soon you will be back with your mum. Just keep thinking about that eh?”

  “I’m scared about Dad coming back though, he has never been angry with me like this before.”

  “Stay brave my little lion heart, remember he loves you so I am sure he will calm down soon.”

  “Princess…..I think he’s gone mad.”

  “Will you do something for me Richard? Tomorrow, when you can see in the daylight – will you look around you for any signs with names on or anything that might tell us where you are? And then, will you come back to me and tell me what you have seen?”

  “I’ll try” I promise.

  “Good boy.”

  “Oh – he’s coming back, I have to go.”

  “Richard…be careful…..”

  Jen

  Rae opened her eyes. Just for a second or two, but everyone said that was a really good sign. Even the gloomy nurse was looking more positive.

  I went for lunch with Tom and Pam, just down into the hospital café and for the first time since Rae got hurt I finished a whole plate of food without feeling sick. So I washed it down with a creamy hot chocolate drink to celebrate.

  They’re a really nice couple, Pam and Tom; as well as doing some hospital visiting with Rae they were spending time with Janet Banks every day as well.

  As you’d expect the poor woman was having a lot of mood swings, Tom said that some days she was up and cleaning and baking in case Richard came home that day and other times she was too depressed to get dressed. She had lost all sympathy she ever had for Chris now it seemed and Tom laughed when he said he wouldn’t like to be in that man’s shoes when he did come home.

  Thinking of having to cope with a husband who had let you down made me think back to Mark’s confession. I didn’t think I would ever be able to forgive him and I had asked him to go back to London and leave me alone for a couple of weeks to give me breathing space.