Releasing Me

by Jewel E. Ann

  “I’m so sorry. That must have been hard for you.”

  “It was. Elena was a wonderful woman and she will be missed.” As I set our spoons in the sink, I felt two strong arms slide around my waist. I wrapped my arms around his and leaned my head back against his broad chest. Closing my eyes, I searched for the words that needed to be said. There really was no easy way to say it, so I went with the four words that said it all. “I slept with Quinn.”

  Jake’s body was still pressed to the back of mine, and I expected some physical reaction, a flinch or his muscles tensing, but he didn’t move. I waited until the silence was unbearable, then I turned to face him. His face was blank and completely void of emotion. “Say something,” I pleaded as I nervously picked at my fingernails.

  “What do you want me to say?”

  “I want you to tell me what you’re feeling.”

  He turned and walked toward the windows then put his hands behind his head with his fingers interlaced. “I don’t know, Addy. What am I supposed to feel? After all, when our relationship got physical you told me not to expect anything more than sex. So I didn’t, at first.” One of his hands dropped down to his side while the other clenched the back of his neck, as if trying to relieve some tension. “But then we started spending all of our free time together and … well, I don’t know, I guess in my mind we were moving past the sex only part without actually having an official talk about it.”

  “Jake, I care for you and it was never my intention to hurt you, but it was also never my intention for us to be anything more than …” The words escaped me, or maybe they were never there.

  “Never more than friends with benefits?” He finally turned to face me again.

  I nodded looking at the floor.

  “Well, it doesn’t matter now anyway since you’re back with Quinn.” He shrugged his shoulders.

  Of course he would think I was back with Quinn. After all, I just told him I slept with him. “We’re not back together,” I said in a timid voice.

  “What? I don’t understand.”

  “We’re not back together, it was … or he was just … God, I don’t know!” I ran my fingers through my hair in frustration. Anger was taking over, but it had nothing to do with Jake. “He’s a fucked-up drunk and I’m emotionally broken. It hurts to be with him and it hurts to be without him. Then there’s you and you’re so wonderful and––” Emotions uncontrollably flowed from my mouth, and I could barely keep up with my jumbled thoughts. Jake pulled me into his arms and the tears poured down my face.

  “Shh, it’s ok. This is quite the mess. Quinn’s a drunk, you’re emotionally broken, and I’m wonderful all right. I’m wonderfully in love with a woman who’s given her heart to someone else.”

  No! No! No!

  I pulled back to look him in the eyes as I shook my head. “No, Jake, you’re not in love with me.”

  He cradled my face in his hands and wiped my tears with his thumbs. “I’m sorry, I know it’s not the best timing, but I am.”

  Stepping back, I wiped the rest of my face with the backs of my fingers. “You deserve better than me.”

  “Why do people say that? I mean … that’s such a cliché. It’s like you’re implying that something is wrong with you, when what you mean is something is wrong with me.”

  “You’re right, it is a cliché. What you think is implied usually is, but that’s not what I mean. Quinn does have my heart and he always will to some extent. And I don’t know what the future holds for us, if there even is an us. Right now, I can’t imagine having the same feelings for any other man, but honestly I never imagined having the feelings for him that I do. So when I say that you deserve better, I don’t mean a better person, I mean a better love. You’re young and you have a chance to find love and happiness now. I can’t allow you to wait for me because I don’t know if I can ever love you the way you love me.” I reached for his hands and held them in mine. “You deserve a love that takes your breath away, ignites an insatiable passion in your heart, and awakens a part of your soul that you never knew existed. A love shared so equal that you don’t recognize where yours ends and hers begins. Everything about it will be undeniable, as if the fate of your love is stronger than any other force on Earth.”

  His face was unreadable, then his next words punched me in the gut so hard I almost couldn’t breathe. “Then why are you here?”

  *

  Journal Day 70

  Grateful for the courage to fight for my future.

  Young Jake flipped the switch for me. It was hypocritical of me to tell him to look for his one true love when I walked away from mine. Why was I there? What was I doing? The answer was simple. I was floundering. The Café was no longer mine. My best friend was in Chicago, but I wasn’t. I had a PhD but wasn’t using it. Unimaginable circumstances gave me the means to do absolutely anything I wanted. The words “wasted potential” came to mind as if my parents were sending me a message. My life needed to be more than hanging out at a café that was no longer mine and having casual sex with a great guy who would never own my heart. But my “wasted potential” could wait, my heart could not. Quinn and I had unfinished business. Our story was not over. It would never be over.

  *

  Journal Day 71

  Grateful for the strength to let go of my safety net.

  Time was of the essence. My monkey brain was too unpredictable. Sitting idle in my loft contemplating my options was counterproductive. Before the Café opened I went to talk to Jake.

  “Hey, Jake.”

  He was in the kitchen washing fruit in preparation for the breakfast juice rush. When he turned to me, my heart squeezed at the hint of sadness on his face. “Hey, yourself.”

  In that moment, I wanted Jake to be the one. My life would have been so much easier. He was the perfect mix of focused and carefree; he was kind, funny, giving, and he made me feel beautiful and special. However, just like the bird or whale that instinctually navigates thousands of miles to survive, I would have gone to Hell and back to be with Quinn. Being with him felt like my survival instinct.

  “Listen, I thought about what you said and you were right. I shouldn’t be here.”

  “Addy, that’s not what I meant. I shouldn’t have said that. I was just—”

  “Honest. You were brutally honest, and I needed to hear it. Anyway, I wanted to let you know that I’m leaving.”

  He nodded and let out a deep breath. “For how long?”

  “Indefinitely.”

  “Don’t do this. You don’t need to leave.”

  “I do. It’s time. I belong with him and I’m going to do whatever it takes to make him realize it too. But, for you, my dear Jake, I want you to have my loft.”

  “What? No, I can’t. What if you decide to come back?”

  Tears stung my eyes as I bit my upper lip and shook my head. “I’m not coming back.”

  His brow furrowed as he pulled me into his chest. “I scared you off. I said too much.”

  “No! Don’t ever think that. You woke me up. You reminded me that life should be lived to the fullest, without regret. I want you to do the same. The pain of heartbreak is worth it when you find the person who you were born to love.”

  I pulled back and pushed up on my toes and pressed my lips to the corner of his mouth. “You’re the best detour I’ve ever taken.”

  He smiled as I turned to leave. “Addy?”

  I stopped but didn’t turn back around. “Yeah?”

  “If he hurts you … I’ll break every bone in his body.”

  The corners of my mouth curled up. “I know.”

  CHAPTER ELEVEN

  Journal Day 80

  Grateful for the piles of dry crunchy leaves that have blanketed the ground and how they remind me of the best days of my life. Grateful for the clarity of those beautiful memories that I will replay for the rest of my life.

  It was destination Chicago, with a detour through New York. I officially emptied my entire loft and had
my furnishings sent to Chicago to be put in storage. There was only one thing that stood between me and making my new home in the Windy City … Quinn.

  I was still carrying around the unopened letter from Elena. Somehow I knew her words would be life changing for me, so I was saving it for the day when I might need those words to take my next breath. My intuition led me to believe that day was coming soon. It had been almost a month since I’d seen Quinn. I had no illusions about what I might find in New York. Mac and Evan were eager to have me back in Chicago, but they were onboard with my plans to get Quinn back no matter how long it took.

  On the way to New York, my mind toiled through all the possibilities of what I might find when I arrived at Quinn’s condo. The thought of him with someone else was gut wrenching, but nonetheless a real possibility. There was also a high probability that he would be drunk and angry or downright cruel. Of course I was hoping for the virtually impossible scenario: him sober, alone, and desperately missing me. Eventually, I had to force myself to think of something else because planning for the unknown felt like a torturous emotional suicide. The radio was a perfect distraction. After all, a road trip wasn’t official until the hippy Prius driver elicited at least a dozen crazy looks from other drivers mildly entertained by my lip-syncing to the radio. At least it looked like lip-syncing from their car, but on the inside of Karma I was putting on a Grammy-winning performance.

  It was almost 9:00 p.m. by the time I made it to Manhattan. Standing outside of Quinn’s door, the violent pounding of my heart made my chest feel on the verge of bursting.

  Deep breath … I am peaceful, I am strong.

  I rang the doorbell and held my breath. Never in my life had I felt so nervous. I had to clench my teeth to keep them from chattering. My whole body was nothing short of a wreck. I felt like vomiting, fainting, and crying all at the same time.

  Holy crap, Addy, get a grip!

  Then the door opened. Quinn stood glassy-eyed in charcoal pants, and a grey and white striped shirt with the sleeves rolled up to his elbows and the top two buttons undone. The scenario of a sober, alone, and desperately-missing-me Quinn was not standing before me. He looked me up and down once with an angry scowl on his face.

  “No,” was all he said before he slammed the door in my face.

  Round one goes to Quinn.

  He got in the first punch, and I’ll admit I was shook up a bit. I wasn’t expecting such a quick rejection. Like any good fighter, I shook it off and knocked on the door.

  No answer. Reaching in my bag for his key with my right hand I tried the knob with my left. It was open.

  Peeking around the corner, I saw him slouched in the corner of his couch with a rocks glass filled with ice and an amber liquid in one hand and his other draped over the arm. He was watching C-SPAN and didn’t acknowledge my entrance. I dropped my bag to the floor and walked over to him. When he still refused to look at me, I positioned myself directly in front of him, blocking his view of the TV. He took a swig of his drink then made eye contact with me.

  “Get the fuck out.” His voice was icy but calm.

  “No.” I crossed my arms over my chest in defiance.

  He stood and our bodies were so close his abdomen pressed against my crossed arms. I felt so small next to him. His dark, menacing eyes glowered down at me, but I held my own, refusing to budge one single inch.

  “Then I’m leaving,” he said, then threw back the rest of his drink and wiped the corner of his mouth with the back of his arm.

  He grabbed his keys and headed toward the door.

  “I’ll be here when you get back,” I called out in a surprisingly steady voice.

  A cynical laugh escaped past his arrogant smirk. “I never took you for the type who liked to watch.” Then he was out the door.

  Deep breath … I am peaceful, I am strong.

  Time passed at an agonizingly slow rate over the next hour. The corner of my bottom lip was nearly raw from nervously working it between my teeth as I sat idle on his couch. A door opened and startled me from my anxious state. At first I thought it was déjà vu, but it wasn’t. It was simply history repeating itself. Quinn was draped over some hussy or maybe it was just some poor girl with daddy issues. This time the pain was more from seeing him self-destruct versus seeing him with another woman. Neither one paid a bit of attention to me as they groped each other all the way up the stairs. I’d just stepped into a reality improv. Quinn was unpredictable, and I had no choice but to play off his every move. I marched up the stairs after them, and just as his bedroom door was being shut, I shoved it open. The unsuspecting brunette froze when she saw me. Quinn peeled his lips off her neck and turned in my direction. I crossed my arms over my chest again; it somehow gave me confidence or maybe it symbolically shielded my heart. He glared at me with a hint of confusion in his eyes.

  “You implied I could watch. So by all means, continue. Don’t mind me.”

  Without hesitation, he turned his back to me and started undressing the young brunette as his mouth attacked her lips, neck, and chest. His porno was a horror movie to me, but I refused to look away. It was going to take more than a one-night floozy to make me give up. He pushed her back to the bed, and as he removed her bra, she looked over his shoulder at me. I smiled as her eyes stayed glued to mine. She had not planned on this being a threesome of any sort.

  “Quinn?” she said nervously as she tried to push him away.

  He stopped and looked back at me. I delivered the same smile to him. No longer finding the humor in the situation, he walked toward me and grabbed my arms pushing me into the hall. “I changed my mind,” was all he said before yet another door was slammed in my face. This time I heard the click of the lock, one I didn’t have a key to open.

  Deep breath … I am peaceful, I am strong.

  *

  Round two goes to Addy.

  Life has to be the proverbial glass of water, just so everyone can choose to be the half-empty pessimist or the half-full optimist. I knew what the view looked like from both rims. Despite Quinn screwing someone else just feet from where I slept, I chose to see it half full. After all, when he shut the front door on me he could have locked it, but he didn’t. When he kicked me out of his room he could have made me leave his condo, but he didn’t. Most significantly, he could have fucked the brunette in front of me, leaving a visual that would be etched into my brain forever, but he didn’t.

  I left the door open to the guest room across the hall from Quinn’s all night. There was no need to hide my presence from either one of them. It was a restless night of sleep. Truthfully, I didn’t need a visual. I’d been with him in every way imaginable, so it was too easy to imagine him in all the same positions with someone else. My modified mantra was “it’s just sex, not love.” Around five o’clock the next morning I was brought out of my light sleep by the sound of his door opening. Lying on my back, I propped myself up on my elbows and gazed out into the hall. My room was dark, so I’m not sure if he could see me, but I saw him walk out in running pants and a sweatshirt. He paused for moment, looking into my room with an expressionless face, before he proceeded down the stairs. In light of the state he was in when I arrived, I was pleased to see he was still exercising. It was a sign that he hadn’t given up on himself––just me. I could work with that.

  Not able to get back to sleep, I threw on some yoga clothes and went downstairs to push my body through an hour of physically demanding Astanga Yoga. Working up a good sweat through an intense workout was exactly what I needed to prepare myself for day two. As I was cooling down in Butterfly pose, stretching my hips and lower back, the young brunette made the walk of shame down the stairs. She looked twenty, at best, and when she saw me she jumped.

  “Oh shit, you scared me!” she breathed out in a panic.

  I smiled and cocked my head to the side. “Can I get you some breakfast?”

  Looking completely befuddled, she shook her head while scratching it. “Uh, no I need to leave.” She po
inted to the door as she grabbed her purse from the floor, keeping her eyes on me like I was some sort of dangerous predator.

  I put my palms together with my thumbs at my heart and my fingers spread out. “Namaste,” I saluted and bowed forward. She was out the door in a flash.

  Before I jumped in the shower, I scrounged through the kitchen and found plenty of fruit to throw together a fresh smoothie. It was a good sign that Helen, Quinn’s housekeeper, was still taking care of him. While I sipped my smoothie, I texted Mac to let her know I’d made it to New York and had initiated Operation Take Back My Man. Given that it was a Wednesday, I assumed Quinn was at work and I wouldn’t see him until later. When I reached the top of the stairs, my curiosity pulled me into Quinn’s room. Choosing to ignore the tangled sheets on his bed, I walked through the bathroom to his closet. When I flipped on the light, I froze. I couldn’t believe what I was seeing. The right side of the closet was still neatly lined with all the clothes I’d left behind. I slowed, stepping in farther, and opened the lower drawers. Sure enough, everything was just how I’d left it. A tear escaped one of my eyes, but I quickly wiped it away. It felt like a small victory, but I knew it would take more than that to win the war.

  *

  That evening, I made dinner and had soft music playing in the background when Quinn came home. He tossed his keys on the entry table then loosened his tie as he spied me in the kitchen. I was chopping red onions and carrots for the kale salad. My fitted black mini sweater dress hugged my curves and the V-neckline showed a nice amount of cleavage.

  Glancing up, I smiled. “Hey, baby. How was your day?”

  He walked over to the bar and poured himself a drink. As he sipped it, his eyes traveled down my dress to my bare legs and finally ended at my black high-heeled ankle boots. His mouth stayed neutral, but I detected appreciation in his heated eyes.

  “What are you doing?” he asked with a hint of exasperation in his voice.