Spectacular is not a strong enough word for how good it was, and now that I broke up with you, the thought of you doing it to some other guy is messing with me. Like so bad that my C.O. is getting worried. He thinks I’m still messed up about the guy I killed, and I am, but I was handling that. I can’t handle this, and I don’t know how to fix it. I can’t take back what I said to you, because I’m not the guy you fell for. I’ve done things, and seen things that have changed me. Not just the murder I committed, but everything here. They can’t prepare a person for this, and coupled with thoughts of you…and guys…well yeah, I’m falling apart. Maybe a few days off will help, but probably not. I’ll never forget you, Reina. Never.
The man who lost you, but still loves you,
Matt
* * *
Reina,
Tonight was our first official appearance as a married couple, and damn, baby, did it feel good to have you on my arm again. That dress was…yeah, I had to call on God for the strength to leave the apartment. The black top with blue flowers where your breasts were practically popping out (tastefully, of course), flowing tight over your curves, and then going sheer at the bottom? Just damn. I behaved myself all night, just giving you sweet kisses for the cameras, but when we got home, it was on.
You were as horny as me by then; after we made out in the limo, you tore some buttons on my shirt in your haste to get it off. I wonder if it will ever be anything less than spectacular with you. I don’t think so. We’re just too perfect for each other. At least in bed.
The press and the public think we’re a match made in Heaven, and we were once. I’d give everything I have to be there with you again. The company, my fortune, even the damn clothes off my back. I’d just walk around naked in our shack on the beach, or not. You’d support us, so I’d be walking around naked in this apartment, being a happily kept man. That would be a dream, but it won’t be our reality. I have almost a year left to bask in your light, the one you bring into my life. Nearly twelve months of days where we pretend we’re happily married, and nights where we burn the sheets off the bed. Selfish bastard that I am, I’m going to take it all, and then walk away. Just know I won’t be happy. I’ll never be truly happy without you by my side.
Your loving husband (for real),
Matt
* * *
Reina,
I made Special Forces today. It was the second hardest thing I’ve ever done in my life (breaking up with you was the 1st), but I did it. There are two really cool guys on my team, Nate and Aiden. I see the same darkness in their eyes that I know is in mine, and so I think we’ll probably get along pretty well. I wanted to call you when I got the news, but I couldn’t. I’m coming home for a week before I start my official assignment, and I want to see you so bad. You have no idea how much I crave just the sight of you. I know you were planning to work with my Gram at the C&C Foundation, so I could just stop by to see her, and maybe run into you. I could, but I won’t. That wouldn’t be fair to either of us. I know there’s going to be a party for me, but I think you’ll decline. I don’t know what you’ll use as an excuse, but then again, everyone knew we were together for those two weeks, and they’ll know we’re not now, even if you haven’t already told them. I love you so much, Reina. I keep saying that in my emails, and I know I’ll continue. I want to say the words out loud as I hold you in my arms, as I walk hand in hand with you, as I kiss you, and God help me, I want to say them while I’m sliding deep inside of your body. Maybe one day I will find the strength to do all of those things.
Yours eternally,
Matt
* * *
Reina,
There were some people at the wedding tonight who made things even more real for me. I invited them because they know about you, and I wanted them to see us get married, even if it’s not going to be forever. Their names are Aqeelah, Sully, and Neveah. If I could be honest with you, I would’ve introduced you to them. It was Aqeelah’s husband that I killed, and Sully and Neveah are their children. Aqeelah tried to convince me to tell you, reminding me once again that she doesn’t blame me. She said you wouldn’t see me any differently. It was even worse after the ceremony. She said the love you had in your eyes for me was like nothing she had ever seen on this earth, and then she said I had that same love showing in my eyes, too.
Did you see it? Could you feel my love? I try so hard to hide it from you, but I was blindsided today. When you came down that aisle, I almost lost it. Even with a necklace, tiara, and ring I know you hate, and a dress that is not what I think you dreamed of for your wedding day, you just blew me away. I told you a long time ago that I wanted to marry you, and despite what I say and the way I act, that hasn’t changed. Today was a dream come true for me, but in twelve months, it will be my worst nightmare. It’s going to be a hard balance for me. Showing you the love you deserve, while also keeping you far enough away so that I don’t destroy you once again. Because no matter that you’re now the most badass woman I know, I think I still have the power to break you. I don’t want that power, but it’s mine. I promise to do my best to be careful with it. To be careful with you. You are my one true love, the missing half of my soul.
Always and forever your husband in love,
Matt
* * *
Reina
I can’t take it anymore. Any of it. For the past 24 hours, I have been reading these emails. Flipping forward and back, over and over again. I’ve read almost all of them, and I don’t want to read the rest. I know I have to, because I’ll always wonder what was in them if I don’t, but I honestly wish Aiden had never given me the note.
He thought he was doing something good for me, but this isn’t good. Not at all. The emails have made everything worse for me. Just the fact that Matt thought so little of me is killing me. That first email, when he said why he broke up with me? It broke my heart all over again. I hurt for him, but I also hurt for me. How can he say he loves me, over and over again, when he doesn’t trust me enough to love him back? Why would he even be so in love with someone who obviously isn’t worthy of his love?
I know that’s not what he meant for me to feel, and it’s definitely not what Aiden expected—which is why I’ll never tell him—but that’s what it is. What it feels like. These fucking emails make me feel so small. So small, and so completely not “enough.” Because if I was, he would’ve trusted me with his secrets. He would’ve trusted that I’d help him face his demons instead of running from them. But he didn’t, and now I feel even more empty than I did when he blindsided me with the divorce papers.
I want to yell at him, and throw things. Break my computer, and beg him to tell me what I ever did to give him such a low opinion of me. Since he hasn’t woken up yet, all of that will have to wait. Yes, he’s alive, but he hasn’t regained consciousness.
Kendrick and part of his team were in the air before Matt was shot the first time, and since no one had to hide any longer, they helicoptered in to the village from the airport. Thank God Audrey decided she needed to send him just in case, because there is no doubt in my mind that without him, Matt would be dead. He brought all kinds of portable equipment with him, and spent twelve hours removing every bullet while repairing the nicked arteries and setting the broken bones. Matt’s beautiful body will be covered in scars, but to me, they make him even more beautiful. Now I just need him to wake up.
I close the laptop, and stand up, stretching my tired muscles. We just got back to Vegas an hour ago. I wanted Matt moved to the Society hospital wing, but Kendrick insisted that he be taken to one of the public hospitals instead. We have state of the art facilities, but while our staff is amazing, they are also small. Kendrick keeps privileges at this hospital just in case something too big for his staff to handle should happen.
The problem with being in this hospital, instead of our own, is visiting hours. Jane and Maggie have donated enough money over the years to ensure some special treatment, but not as much as we’d all like. Since Ma
tt and I are not formally divorced, I can stay overnight in his room tonight. Jane can see him, and so can Miles. Our friends can’t and that’s killing them. Especially Nate and Aiden. Those guys are just as much brothers to him as Miles is, but without sharing the same blood, they’re forced to stay in the waiting room. And I have no doubt that they will stay right there until Matt wakes up. Just like I’ll stay in this room, reading and crying.
“Mrs. Corrigan, would you like to place your dinner order now?” a nurse asks me as she enters the room.
“Thanks, but I’m not hungry.” I’m not. I don’t even remember when I last ate, but I don’t feel even an ounce of hunger.
“You need to eat. We have no idea when your husband will be waking up, and you don’t want to be in another room when that happens do you? Passed out because you didn’t eat anything?”
In the guilt wars, this nurse wins, hands down. “No. I want to be right here in the room when my husband wakes up. Let me see the menu. And again, thank you.”
I place my order, and watch as she checks Matt’s vitals. Kendrick is napping somewhere in the hospital, and then he’ll be back to talk to me. There’s nothing else anyone can do until Matt wakes up, and I know I should sleep, too, but I can’t.
These damn emails are just rattling around in my brain, making me sad and angry at the same time. I mean, who wants to know that their engagement ring was bought because your fiancé wanted you to hate it? Or that the man you love hurt you with his words because he was so in love with you that he didn’t know how to cope? That part’s just bullshit. Who does that? Matthew Corrigan, that’s who.
The door opens again, but this time it’s Miles who enters the room. I stand up and hug him. “No change, huh?”
“No.”
“I know it’s a stupid question, but how are you holding up?”
“Not well.”
“You can talk to me, you know. I can only imagine how hard it is to be in here with him after all that went down.”
“It’s been a hell of a week, that’s for sure. I mean, getting served divorce papers from the man I love, being kidnapped by a man I hate, and then having the first man unexpectedly come to my rescue. Yeah, it’s all FUBAR as Matt would say.”
“Aiden wanted me to ask you about the emails. I don’t know what emails he’s talking about, but it seemed pretty important to him that I check in with you about them.”
“Your brother has apparently been writing me daily emails since he broke up with me all those years ago.”
“Seriously?”
“Yep.”
“What did he say? I mean, shit, you don’t need to tell me, but I kinda want to know.”
“Most of them are apologies for his behavior after a certain thing happened, plus the explanation as to why he ended things. Oh, and every fucking email ends with him telling me how much he loves me, and how he’s mine forever.”
“Jesus.”
“No, Matt. Your rat-bastard of a brother.”
“Can I ask you why he broke up with you?”
“You can ask, but I can’t tell you. I will say that he should have never broken up with me because of it. It just goes to show how little he’s always thought of me.”
“Little? There’s no one my brother thinks more highly of than you. You should hear him at our executive meetings. He always makes sure to mention how much of a difference you’re making with the Foundation. And once when we were out somewhere, a lady asked him if he was ‘Reina Corrigan’s husband’ and I have never seen him smile brighter than when he told her that yes, he was. I don’t know what went down, because everyone had to leave for Mexico right away, but I’ll be talking to him when he wakes up.”
“I had no idea that he ever mentioned me to anyone else. Ever.”
“Because he’s an idiot. He did go after you, Reina. And he let himself get shot. I know my brother and there’s no way he would just stand there and let someone shoot him.”
He deserves to know at least this. “He was shooting the man who took me. He could’ve easily killed him, but he was making him suffer first. Matt didn’t take the kill shot until he had already been shot several times. I took out those guys as fast as I could, but I should’ve been faster.”
“Don’t do that. You can’t think about being faster or better. Matt’s alive, and you’re alive. That’s all that matters.”
“Thanks, Miles. I’m glad I got to be your sister-in-law for the last year.”
“I have a feeling you’re going to continue with that title for longer.”
“We signed divorce papers.”
“Yeah, but that doesn’t really mean anything in the grand scheme of things, does it?”
“Um, yes. Your brother doesn’t want me. He came to Mexico because he felt obligated.”
“You just told me he said he loved you in all of those emails.”
“Words on paper don’t mean anything. Actions mean something.”
“Well there you go. By your logic, the divorce papers mean nothing, and him coming to save you means everything. Think about it, Reina. Just promise you’ll do that.”
“That’s all I’m doing, Miles.”
“I’ll let you get back to it. Gram will probably stop in soon.”
“Thanks Miles. For telling me the things you did.”
“Did it make things better?”
“No.” It made them worse. Again. “But I needed to know.”
We hug and then he leaves me alone. With my thoughts, and my anger. Sadness is still there, but anger is the strongest emotion I’m feeling now. Matt talked about me to people? Praised me even? How can I be happy about that when he never said those things to me? He supported me, sure. But never once did he tell me the things from the emails—that he was proud of me, that he believed in me, and that he thought I was doing a great job. Why couldn’t he tell me? And why does knowing he felt that way make me feel even more betrayed?
Chapter 8
Reina
I’m not done with the emails. In fact, I haven’t even looked at another one since Miles was here earlier. I just really can’t do it. I’m so drained, and so done. I need Matt to wake up, and give me some answers. I thought the divorce papers would be closure, but they’re not.
I pick at my dinner, and just stare out the window at the lights of the city. This city that I came to because I had blind faith in the woman who had saved me once. I wasn’t lying when I told Mother that I had no faith left in me. I’m lost right now, more lost than I’ve ever felt before. There have been lows in my life. Being kidnapped and giving up the convent all those years ago, losing Matt, not succeeding with missions, and just the normal things that bring a person down. But losing Matt a second time cut me off at the knees, and after reading the emails, mentally standing back up seems too daunting of a prospect.
I hear the door opening again behind me, and I know it’s not the nurse. The smell of Yves Saint Laurent Paris that proceeds her confirms it. “Hello, Jane. I was wondering when you’d come to see me.”
“I came to check on Matt. And yes, to see you.”
I don’t turn around. I can’t. I forced her out of retirement, cost the Society at least a million dollars to rescue me, and got her grandson shot up so badly that he almost died. We’ve had our differences lately, and are not as close as we once were, but I still feel ashamed for what I’ve put her through. I saw her briefly when we arrived here, but we haven’t been alone until now.
“I’m sorry,” I tell her softly.
“I wish you had come to me,” she says, moving in front of me to sit next to Matt.
She takes his hand in hers, and kisses the back of it. Then she moves some of his hair off his forehead. She closes her eyes, and lets out a weary sigh.
“I didn’t mean for any of this to happen. I didn’t think he’d come after me. I was hoping you’d save the convent, but I didn’t expect you to get to me in time.”
“Why, Reina? Because of what happened with Darcy? Do you think
I would hold your animosity against you and let you suffer?”
“I honestly didn’t care.”
“Did you care that you almost brought down an entire company, along with the Society? Or have you forgotten that as long as there are two Corrigan men living, they both need to be part of the company in order for it not to be dissolved?”
Shit. I did forget. “I forgot, but again, I didn’t expect him to come for me. He made me sign divorce papers, so why would I think he cared?”
“He made you? My grandson held a gun to your head and forced your signature on those papers?”
“No. He didn’t hold a gun to me, but he’d already signed. What was I supposed to do?”
“Fight for him. Fight him. You are so strong in everything else, Reina. Why can’t you be strong with Matt?”
“I don’t know. He’s like my Kryptonite. When he’s near me, I just lose all of my strength. I can argue with him, and tell him off. Even kick him out of our bed, but I can’t make him choose me. He’ll never choose me, and I just lied to you. I do know why.”
“Reina?”
“I’m not enough, Jane. I’m not pretty enough, smart enough, strong enough, compassionate enough, or really just ‘anything’ enough for him. That’s why I don’t fight for him. Why fight a battle that I lost years ago?”
“That’s not true. Not at all,” Jane says, looking alarmed.
“When it comes to him, it is. I have just never been enough for him. To him.”
“I don’t think that’s true. Miles told me about the emails, and I think you’re taking them the wrong way. He didn’t write them to hurt you, or make you feel like ‘less.’ He wrote them because he was too broken to tell you those things in person, but he needed to tell you.”
“Then why not email me for real? If he hadn’t almost died, I would’ve never even known they existed. It honestly would have been better that way. He’s already divorcing me.”
Loving My SECRET (Corrigan & Co. Book 10) Page 8