“Did he have an explanation for that?”
“I didn’t read the last ones,” I admit. “I can’t bear to know that he came for me out of pity.”
“I don’t think that’s what you’ll find.”
“We’ll just have to disagree on this.”
“We disagree on quite a bit, which is why it was more than a little shocking for you to hand the Society back to me. Running is not your style.”
I was wondering when we would get to this. “We’ve made our peace about what happened with Darcy. I know we both have the same vision for the new Society.”
“Reina, you are coming back, aren’t you?”
I shake my head. “No.”
“You must. Not just because I was enjoying my retirement, but for the women sitting in the waiting room out there. You are their leader.”
“I’m sorry about your retirement, but I just can’t go back. Alex can be a figurehead while Stella and Tegan run things. Audrey, too, once she has the baby.”
“You’re going to let everyone down because your heart is broken? I expect better of you, Reina.”
“And that right there is why I’m leaving. I’m tired, Jane. Tired of being guilted into doing things. Tired of always doing what’s expected of me. With Matt, and also with you.”
“No one has forced you to do anything, Reina.”
I sigh, because it’s hard to explain, but I really, really need to. “The only thing I ever decided for myself was joining the convent. I was too ashamed to follow through with my choice after everything happened and the Society had to rescue me. I went to Chicago, and it was like being in a different world. Tall buildings and lakes, green trees and lots of people. I was so overwhelmed and scared, but you made me feel safe. I would’ve done anything you asked, because I was so in awe of you. I still am, even after what happened. You have done so much good, and you wanted me to work with you. How could I say no?
“And then there was Matt. I saw him at the ball, and my world tilted on its axis. So much so that the innocent girl who just weeks before was going to take holy vows, instead gave her body to him. I had sex with Matt the first night we met, and I was never the same. I was in Heaven when he said he loved me, and told me he wanted to marry me one day. Then it all changed, and he didn’t want me anymore, so I did what I had to.
“I immersed myself in the Society. I made sure I was the best I could be, and that you would be proud of me. I dated men who I thought would be suitable for my future role in the Foundation, and while not one of them ever made me stop thinking of your grandson, I pretended I was happy. Until Las Vegas. I could no longer ignore Matt, and I was all of a sudden that teenage girl again. I gave him my body whenever he wanted it. I have been living a lie all these years, pretending to be what you needed me to be, and what Matt wanted me to be.”
“I had no idea.”
“I’m not saying this right. I know I’m not. I loved being part of the Society, Jane. I even loved running it this last year. We make such a difference, and I’m proud of it. It just would’ve never been my choice if I’d felt I had other options at the time. I don’t regret my choices for the most part, but I’m ready to take the opportunity this situation has given me. I want to go out and experience things just for me.”
“You regret Matt. That’s what you mean.”
“I…I regret that I ever fell so in love with him that his every slight and dig at me could cut me so deep. He has had so much power over me for so many years. He knows it, and he’s used it against me more than once.”
“He loves you. I know he does.”
“I know that, too. But love isn’t enough. I need respect and care, and I need to know that I’m enough. That I’m worth fighting for, and trusting with his heart. He may love me, but he’s never trusted me or my love for him. I cannot live on borrowed time anymore, wondering when he’ll toss me aside again, and feeling like he sees me as less than worthy. I deserve to be cherished.”
“Reina, please just take a few days to think about this. If it’s what you truly want, I’ll do everything I can to help and support you. So will all those women and men in the waiting room. I’m just afraid that you’re making this decision because you’ve had little sleep and more trauma in the last few days than anyone should have in their entire life.”
“My mind is made up. I’ll tell everyone once Matt wakes up.”
“You will always be family to me, and you will always have a place in the Society. Always. I don’t care if it takes you ten years to come back to us, you’ll always be welcome. I am so sorry that I didn’t see what you were going through all of these years. I knew you and Matt had a bad history, and I know I pushed you to the Society, but I did it because I saw in you something I have never seen in anyone else, before or after. You may think you’ve been weak all these years, but it’s just the opposite. You possess a strength of character, and a heart of gold that puts us all to shame. I am honored to have had the chance to mentor you all these years, and I am humbled by the way you have chosen to lead this group I helped create. I hope that you find what you need, and experience the things you feel you missed out on, but please never doubt your worth. To me, to your friends, and even if you don’t believe it right now, to my grandson. I love you, Reina.”
“I love you, too, Jane. Thank you. For everything. I didn’t mean to sound ungrateful with the things I told you. I’m so grateful to you. I just need to find me now, and decide who I want to be.”
She nods, and then we hug, holding on to each other like our life depends on it. I’m scared, and excited at the same time. I know this is the right choice for me. If I don’t go out and explore the world without any life or death obligations, I’ll always wonder what I missed. Now I just need Matt to wake up, so I can move on.
* * *
I don’t know how long I’ve been asleep when I hear it. “Reina,” a weak voice whispers.
I jump up and look to the hospital bed. Matt is smiling back at me, and I want to just run to him, and hold him, but I don’t. I can’t. Old habits die hard, but I can’t give in.
“You should press your call button so the nurse knows you’re awake.”
“I don’t want the nurse. I want my wife. And some water. Can I have water?”
“I don’t know. Call the nurse, Matt.”
“No.”
“For God’s sake. Is it so fucking hard to just do one thing I ask you to do? Just one thing,” I say as I walk over to the bed and push the button myself.
“I just wanted to be alone with you. We need to talk.”
“Oh yeah we do. But first, you need to get checked over.”
The nurse chooses that moment to respond to the call. “Mrs. Corrigan?”
“He’s awake.”
Within seconds, the attending doctor and several nurses have entered the room. They tell us that Kendrick has been paged, and they just need to check Matt’s vitals, and response time while we wait for him. I sit back down in my chair, and watch them work. On occasion, someone steps between us, but otherwise, our eyes stay locked onto each other. This time I’m not scared of him running, because I’ll be the one leaving him behind.
“I got down here as fast as I could,” Kendrick says, running into the room, clearly out of breath.
“No worries, Kenny. They’ve got me covered. I would like some water, though,” he tells him with a scratchy voice.
He nods to a nurse and she brings a cup to Matt’s mouth. He takes a few drinks, and then sighs before thanking her. The poor girl looks like she might faint. Classic.
“How are you feeling?”
“Like I’ve been shot about a dozen times.”
“Fourteen. I removed fourteen bullets from your body.”
“Thanks, man. I appreciate it.”
“You should thank Reina. From what I understand, the paramedics considered you dead until she pointed a gun at them.”
“My wife is one badass babe,” he says with a smile.
&nbs
p; I manage a weak smile back at him as the nurses practically swoon. I get it. There have been many times in my life when I’ve swooned over Matthew Corrigan. Those days are over, and well, good riddance.
Once he’s checked over, and Kendrick has determined that he’s on the road to recovery, he asks the other medical personnel to leave. After they file out, he turns to me. “He needs to remain calm.”
“Then I should leave.”
“The hell you should,” Matt bellows, sending his machines beeping.
Kendrick sighs. “This is what I’m worried about. He almost died, Reina. I need you to give him a few more days to recover. We’ll get him to the Foundation wing, and then you can fight like normal. If you do that here, they’ll call security.”
“I don’t have a few days, Ken. I’m sorry, but that’s just the way it is.”
“And if one person lays a hand on her, I’m coming off this bed.”
“Why? Why me, dead Lord? I just want to be a good doctor.”
“You’re a great doctor. This has nothing to do with you,” I tell him.
“Please, Reina. Just give me 48 hours.”
“Fine,” I say grabbing my laptop and purse. “I’ll see you at the Foundation.”
“What? No. You can’t leave,” Matt says, sitting up, and then falling right back down again.
“He’s right, Matt. You need to recover, and I can’t be in the room with you while you’re awake without yelling at you. Get some rest, listen to Ken and the other doctors and nurses, and then we’ll have it out.”
“Wait. I almost died. Aiden and Nate, did they give you anything?”
“Yes. I’ve read most of the emails.”
“So you know that I’ve always loved you.”
“I know you’ve typed pretty words onto a page, but words are meaningless without the actions to back them up. I really need to go before I say anything else. Can you get them to let our friends in now?”
“I’ll see to it. Goodbye, Reina.”
“Goodbye, Ken.”
I don’t say anything more to Matt as I walk out, because I can’t. Not without screaming at him for being a selfish bastard. I don’t want to do that while he’s still so fragile. Fragile? Huh. That’s not a word I would’ve ever associated with Matt. But that’s what he is. He’s still so weak, and he needs to rest. We both do.
“Reina, is it true? He’s awake?” Aiden asks as I walk into the waiting room.
“Yeah. He’s awake. Kendrick’s going to work on getting you all in to see him.”
“Where are you going?”
“I can’t be here right now. There’s too much I need to say to him, and they don’t want him getting upset.”
“The emails? They’re that bad?” Nate asks.
“Yes, but he doesn’t understand that. I-I don’t want to go over this right now. Just let me get some rest, and then I’ll talk to everyone.”
“You’re going back to your apartment?”
“What? No. I can’t sleep there.”
“Hang with me, then,” Stella says. “Kace was going to cancel his shows and come home, but I told him not to. My guest room is free, and I’ll give you all the space you need. Promise.”
“Okay, thanks. Can someone call ahead for me.”
“You have all your clearances, Rei. I put them back as soon as we landed,” Ainsley tells me.
“That’s not necessary, but like I said, we’ll talk once I’m able to get some rest.”
“You’re coming back, right? You have to come back,” Isa says.
“Later, Isa. Please, just let it go for now. I just want to sleep in a bed, and not worry about being taken, or if Matt will really wake up.”
They all nod, and tell me to call if I need anything. I give them all hugs, because no matter what, these people right here are my best friends, and I love them. I’m going to leave them, but that has to do with me and not them. I hope they understand that. I’ll do everything I can to make them understand it.
Outside the door, I see two Middle Eastern women, a mother and a daughter. I know immediately who they are. Matt may not have introduced us at the wedding, but I saw them. Right now they’re begging one of our guards to let them into the waiting room. They belong in there as much as anyone else, so I speak up.
“Let them in, and put them on the list. Full access.”
“Yes, Mrs. Corrigan,” the man closest to me says.
“You’re Reina?” the older woman asks, pretending that she doesn’t know.
“Yes, Aqeelah. You were at my wedding, so you should know that already,” I say as I motion them away from the men, and into the corner with me.
“Oh, he told you. I didn’t know.”
“He didn’t tell me. He probably never would have told me.”
“Then how—oh, the emails.”
“You knew?”
“Yes, and I can see why his friends gave them to you.”
“You say that like I was given a gift. I wasn’t.”
“Love is always a gift.”
“Yes, when it’s given. I was never given that love. He didn’t think I was good enough to have it.”
“That is not true, Reina. Matt loves you more than anything. He was just ashamed, and hurt.”
“So he hurt me. Got it. No offense, but I couldn’t talk to my friends right now, and I can’t talk to you, either. Matt will be happy to see you. Both of you.”
“I am Neveah,” the girl tells me, holding out her hand as she looks me in the eye.
“I gathered as much. It really is nice to meet you both, but I have to be on my way. No one inside will give you trouble. I’m sure Nate and Aiden know who you are.”
“They do. Thank you, Reina.”
“You’re welcome.”
I walk away from them, and into an elevator another guard has waiting for me. He leads me inside, and then down a service corridor once we walk out of it. The press are out in full force, and measures have been taken to protect all of us. Right now, I would probably say lots of things I shouldn’t, so a back entrance is best. There will be a car there for me, I’m told, and then I can get to Stella’s place and sleep. I crave the sleep, but it also scares me. I know I’m going to dream, and I know it’s going to hurt. Almost as much as it hurt to walk away from everyone inside a few days ago. I’m leaving again, but this time I’ll make sure to say goodbye.
Chapter 9
Matt
Kendrick has been keeping me pretty well sedated for the last day. He says it’s because I need rest in order to heal, and also in order to be moved. Being moved is my one priority right now. She won’t come back until I’m moved, and I need Reina more than I need anything or anyone. I know my Gram and Miles have been in, as well as the guys. I can hear their voices while I’ve been hovering on the edge of consciousness.
I’m feeling a little more alert as I slowly open my eyes to see a woman sitting in the chair next to my bed. “Aqeelah?” I whisper.
“Hello, Matt,” she says, taking my hand in hers.
“I’m glad they let you in here,” I tell her as I squeeze her hand.
“Reina told them to before she left.”
“You met her?”
“Yes.”
“And?”
“She is even more beautiful than you described. And strong. I could feel her strength coming from inside, even as she was hurting. I saw her at the wedding, of course, but it was different, more powerful, having her right in front of me.”
“I hurt her. It was me.”
“Yes. She does not believe you love her, and that is one of the saddest things I have ever heard in my life. I know you love her, Matt. I’ve seen your eyes when you speak of her. I’ve heard your heart in your words. That you have kept that from her, or hidden it behind the lies you’ve told her, breaks my heart as well.”
“I didn’t think I deserved her. I still don’t really believe that, but I want her too much to let it hold me back now.”
“She will not
come back to you easily.”
“But she’s read the emails. She knows I’ve always loved her, and that I’m sorry.”
“She read words you wrote, yes, but she has never seen actions to back them up. Perhaps you should read your emails. Look at them as if you were Reina, reading those words you’ve always wanted to hear, but never have. I think maybe then you will understand how those emails have caused her even more pain.”
“I can’t lose her again.”
“For once, that isn’t your choice. You know I love you, and think of you like a younger brother, but you also know that I have urged you to talk to Reina for years. You made the choice to keep pushing her away, to let a mistake you made over a decade ago keep you from the woman you love.”
“I don’t deserve happiness, Aqeelah. I killed your husband. Sully and Nev had their father taken from them because I wasn’t being as careful as I should have been.”
“You were a young soldier who was under attack. We will never know why my sweet husband walked into the place. Perhaps he thought he could help, or tend to the wounded. I will never know, and I accepted that years ago. It was his time to die, and yes, the bullet came from your gun, but it was not the murder you insist on calling it. It was an accident. A mistake that any of the men with you could’ve made. I have told you that, and so have my children. No one blames you. No one except for yourself.”
“If I did nothing wrong, the military would’ve let me tell the public.”
“Your military was protecting itself from bad press. From headlines about the rich boy killing a poor foreigner.”
“I was just a stupid rich boy. Now a stupid rich man.”
“No. You are a man who has more money than he’ll ever need, and so he gives it freely to others. I know that we are not the only family you have helped. I also know that in times of tragedy around the world, anonymous donations are made by you to help the victims. You have perfected your playboy persona for the rest of the world, but those of us who know you are aware that it’s just an act.”
“Reina doesn’t know that.”
“Because she doesn’t know you. You have not allowed her to see who you really are, because you were afraid she would then see your love, and fight for it. You have hurt yourself almost as much as you have hurt her.”
Loving My SECRET (Corrigan & Co. Book 10) Page 9