Flux

by Beth Goobie

  When she looked out again he was standing in front of the black skull, shading his eyes with one hand as he stared down the street. Nellie’s breath caught in her throat, and a quick bright-winged sensation blew through her and was gone. She couldn’t think, couldn’t think, her mind like a butterfly trapped in a glass paperweight. Slowly Deller lowered his hand and stood, his face raw amber in the late afternoon light. Then he turned and went into the warehouse and Nellie sank to the floor, her heart thundering, her hands clenching and unclenching.

  She couldn’t go over there. It had taken no more than a moment to read the set of Deller’s jaw, and she knew with certainty that she was no longer welcome, no longer someone he wanted in his life. Eyes closed, Nellie slumped against the wall, riding the quick shallow rhythm of her breathing. When her mother had first disappeared, the pain had been like this—deep ripping claws that came at her every time she succeeded in forgetting, then remembered again. People came and went, they planted themselves like beautiful flowers in your life and then the wind tore them away. That was the meaning of flowers and wind and spray-painted skulls, and nothing would ever change it.

  But why? Twisting back onto her knees, Nellie stared hungrily out the window. The reason her mother had vanished was obvious, but what had stolen the friendliness from Deller’s face? It had to have something to do with last night, and it wasn’t fair to punish her for something she couldn’t remember. Surely Deller was reasonable enough to understand something like that. Scrambling to her feet, Nellie headed out the door. Warnings buzzed her brain and her stomach felt ready to upend itself, but she ignored it, darting across the overheated street and into the coolness of the Skulls’ entranceway.

  “Deller,” she called softly, hesitating. “It’s me, Nellie.”

  He jumped her as she came through the doorway, leaping without sound. Shoved against a wall, she felt her head slam backward. Dizziness lifted and circled like a flock of birds, separating into endless cries.

  “Why’d you do it, bitch?” Deller breathed into her face. “Why?”

  She struggled with the darkness that keened through her brain. “Do what?”

  “You know what!” He shoved her again, and she cried out at the pain in her head. Slumping to the floor, she covered her face with both hands.

  “I don’t,” she sobbed. “I don’t remember anything. I can’t remember hardly a single thing from my whole life.”

  Hunched above her, Deller’s ragged breathing slowed. “It’s the Goodbye,” he said hoarsely. “They got you with the Double Goodbye.”

  “The what?” asked Nellie, still trapped inside the pain in her head.

  “Erva and electric shock,” Deller said. “They dose you with erva, then use a shock box to blast your brain so you can’t remember anything. It’s supposed to knock out about half a day.”

  Nellie rested her face in her hands, letting bits of quiet come back into her head. “I remember pieces of things,” she said slowly. “A room full of people. There was a lady with orange hair. She did something to my head. And a man from the Interior Police was sitting next to her.”

  “What?” hissed Deller, stunned.

  “I saw him a couple of weeks ago.” The images in Nellie’s head were becoming clearer, coming together like pieces in a puzzle. “He can step out of flux,” she mumbled, thinking her way into the memories. “He knows how to travel the levels. That’s why I couldn’t tell them about Fen or my name, or anything. He would’ve taken it all straight back to the Interior. Fen would’ve been gone for good then.” She let her hands fall from her face and glanced up at Deller. Thunderstruck, he was standing motionless, his eyes closed.

  “You believe me, don’t you?” she demanded, panicking.

  His face contorted and he nodded. “Yeah,” he said heavily, opening his eyes. “Yeah, I’ve got it.” Turning, he slumped into one of the chairs. “Did Mellin do anything?” he asked, his eyes hooding. “Did he hurt you?”

  “Besides choking me with erva and blasting my brains?” Nellie asked acidly. “No, nothing else.”

  “Because Ayne told him not to,” Deller said quickly. “They’re not bad people, Nellie. They’re the resistance. They have to protect themselves.”

  “Doesn’t look as if they’re doing a good job,” said Nellie. “Interior Police and a doubled bitch sitting right at their big-shot table.”

  “Ayne’s all right,” Deller said. “She’s psychic. She always probes for the Jinnet.”

  “She’s got no soul,” Nellie hissed and watched his eyes widen. “And she’s got a gate right in her body. Something comes through that gate and it’s bad, Deller.”

  “A gate to another level?” Deller demanded, disbelieving. “How can someone have a gate in their body?”

  “I dunno,” said Nellie. “I’ve never seen it before.”

  “You think she’s working with the guy from the Interior Police?” he asked after a pause.

  “What else would they be doing?” Nellie demanded.

  Deller’s eyes grew vague. “The Jinnet’s cooked, then. Not just here, either. They’re probably infiltrated all over the Out-backs.”

  “That’s what Interior Police are for,” Nellie said darkly.

  Deller nodded, staring at his feet. “Sorry ... for not catching on last night. And for jumping you just now.”

  Nellie felt suddenly heavy, thick with knowing. This was it, then. Nodding her head once, she clambered to her feet.

  “What are you doing?” Deller asked quickly. “Going,” said Nellie, turning to the door. “Going where?” Deller stood and his chair tilted over with a crash.

  “I dunno,” shrugged Nellie. “Somewhere where you’re not, so we won’t get into trouble with the Jinnet.”

  “Who cares about the Jinnet?” Deller stepped between Nellie and the door. “I told you before—you’re ten times better than all of them put together.”

  Astounded, Nellie gaped at him. “But what about the welcoming committee? They’ll be watching you.”

  Deller’s face twisted. “Yeah, they’d hurt Mom if they saw you at our house.”

  The heaviness was back, pouring through Nellie’s chest and legs. “I’d better go, then.”

  “Wait a minute.” A weasely look crept across Deller’s face. “Why not stay in our headquarters? The Jinnet doesn’t know about this place, and no one comes here but the Skulls. We can bring you food and blankets and the clothes Mom bought you. You’d be all right here, and we could keep looking for Fen.”

  Nellie leaned against the wall, waiting for her heart to stop thundering. “I thought you’d hate me after last night,” she whispered. “Thought you’d just want to get rid of me.”

  “I did for a bit,” Deller whispered back. “But I didn’t understand why. You had your reasons. I should’ve guessed. You should hate me.”

  “No.” Nellie shook her head fiercely. “You’re good to the doubles, and you care about Fen. You’re lots better than me.”

  Deller stared, then gave a short laugh. “Well, that’s settled then. From now on we don’t hate each other.” He ran a finger through the film of erva that still dusted the tabletop. “We’ll have to clean this place up. Oh.” He glanced at her quickly. “They cut the water off a long time ago. The toilet doesn’t work.”

  She shrugged. “I’m used to it.”

  Deller’s face glimmered with a quick grin. “You’re some girl. You can run, scratch and fart with the best of them.”

  Nellie giggled and glanced vaguely at the wall. “I like farting,” she said. “Actually.”

  “Actually?” Deller grinned back. “And would the Goddess approve?”

  Immediately Nellie’s face darkened, and Deller ditched his grin. “Okay,” he said. “I’ve got to talk to the Skulls and get you some stuff. You going to be all right here while I’m gone?”

  “Yeah.” She shrugged. “Maybe I’ll look for some food.”

  “I’ll get you some,” Deller said quickly. “Mom’ll cook it.
It’ll get that depressed look off her face. She was really upset when she found out you took off.” He paused in the doorway. “Where were you hiding before I came looking for you?”

  Nellie blinked, then faltered, “Across the street.”

  “Maybe you’d better wait there,” Deller said carefully. “I’ll give you a wickawoo call when I’ve cleared everything with the Skulls. Just make sure you blow out the candle when you leave.”

  Leaning toward the candle, Nellie gave it a quick hard gust. When she turned back to the doorway it was empty, the soft thud of Deller’s footsteps fading into the late afternoon heat.

  THE HALF-CIRCLE OF BOYS sat in the flickering candlelight, their shadows leaping behind them as they watched Nellie engulf the stew Deller’s mother had sent. After the stew, there was a bottle of dengleberry juice. Nellie closed her eyes as she drank, trying to ignore the glinting weasely eyes fixed in her direction. Over by the door, Deller was sweeping the last of the erva into a dustpan. A pile of blankets and a pillow sat in another corner, next to a shopping bag of clothes. Setting down the empty bottle, Nellie let out a satisfied burp. It was mid-evening, the heat was letting up and her belly was full. As long as the rats didn’t get too bad tonight, things should be okay.

  Stepping outside, Deller dumped the dustpan, then set it in a corner. “We’ve been talking,” he said, approaching the table and settling into his usual three-legged chair. “We took a vote and decided to make you a member of the Skulls.”

  Beside him, Pullo shifted uncomfortably. Earlier that evening the Skulls had held a raucous meeting. Glued to her window across the street, Nellie had twice seen Pullo come stomping out of the alcove, then stand about muttering before heading back in. Now as Deller spoke, he stared morosely at the crack in the window cardboard and scratched the inside of his leg.

  “Why?” she asked uneasily, her gaze flicking around the group. “Why do I have to become a Skull?”

  “Because you’re good enough,” Deller shrugged. “And because then you’ve got to keep our secrets, just like we’ve got to keep yours.”

  Nellie scanned the group a second time. “What kind of secrets do you have?” she asked, not bothering to hide the scorn in her voice.

  “Nothing like the levels,” Snakebite said quickly, his yellow eyes skittering across her face. “But we’ve got some pretty good stuff. We’ll tell you about it if you take us into another level like Deller said you would.”

  Nellie’s mouth dropped and she gaped wordlessly. Ducking her gaze Deller said hastily, “We can talk about that later. For now, we’ll get the initiation done and then I have to get home before Mom gets off work.”

  As if on cue the boys stood and formed a gangly circle, then looked at Nellie expectantly. Eyes slitted, arms crossed, she stared back at them. If they thought for one minute that she was going to do any kind of oogly hocus-pocus that would go against the Goddess, they were out of their Ivana-forsaken minds. Emphatically Deller beckoned to her, and she hesitated, hissing under her breath. Finally she rose to her feet, locked her arms firmly across the jiggle on her chest and shuffled into the circle between Snakebite and a boy with a nervous twitch in his cheek named Gurry.

  “Okay,” said Deller, looking relieved. “We can get started.” Stooping, he opened a box at his feet and lifted out a long shadowy object. Darkness spilled out of the eye sockets and the long bony jaws caught the candlelight in a dull gleam. Of course, thought Nellie. A skull. What is it—a dog?

  “Slow your thoughts and quiet your minds,” said Deller, holding out the skull like an offering. “We are now in the presence of the Lord of Death. All turn and face the Lord of Death. The Lord of Death is our king and prince. All our thoughts and secret deeds are known by Him. Beware, for if you breach the vow of secrecy, vengeance will be swift.”

  A muffled snicker ran around the group and Nellie felt a flicker of relief. So they weren’t serious. This was just a game for a bunch of numbskulls. Beside her Snakebite giggled, and she sucked in her lower lip, fighting to keep a smirk off her mouth.

  “Kiss the Lord of Death,” said Deller, grinning slightly as he held the skull toward her. Nellie’s smirk broadened, taking over her whole face. Pursing her lips dramatically, she leaned toward the shadowy shape. Suddenly her mind tilted savagely and she felt something shift inside the skull, then leap straight toward her face. With a cry she drew back, and the apparition vanished.

  “What’s the matter?” asked Deller, stepping toward her.

  “Dunno,” Nellie muttered, warding him off with her hands. “Something came at me out of that thing, like a breath of fire straight into my brain. Looked like the skull, kind of, but made of fuzzy white light.”

  A well of intense breathing rose around her, the boys’ eyes fixed on the skull.

  “That never happened before,” Deller said dubiously.

  “I never seen nothing,” Snakebite shrilled.

  “Didn’t happen when I kissed it,” Pullo mumbled.

  “Well, it happened now,” Nellie hissed, “and I’m not kissing it. That skull isn’t dead enough yet. Whatever’s still in it is looking for somewhere else to live. If I kissed it, I could get doubled.”

  “I kissed it and I ain’t doubled,” Snakebite screeched, dancing from foot to foot. “I ain’t, I ain’t.”

  “That’s because you’re not smart enough,” Nellie snapped. “It’s looking for someone who can carry its vibes. They’re way too fast for you.” The boys’ eyes fixed on her, a circle of fear. “Don’t worry,” she added acidly. “It didn’t double any of you, or it wouldn’t still be in the skull. But you should get rid of it. Throw it in the river. It’s evil.”

  “That’s where I found it,” said Gurry, his cheek twitching frantically. “In the riverbank by the Temple of the Blessed Heart.”

  Nellie’s eyes widened. “Near the Goddess?” “The Goddess, the Goddess,” Snakebite sang mockingly, breaking into a frantic dance.

  “Cut it out,” Deller said sharply. “She’s a Skull now, like the rest of us. She gets all the privileges.”

  “We didn’t finish the ceremony,” Pullo said sourly.

  “We did enough,” said Deller, setting the skull back in its box. “It’s just a ceremony. Anyway, I have to get home, like I said.”

  “Yeah, me too,” said Gurry. “I have to help dad fix the back porch.” Shooting sideways glances at Nellie, the boys drifted one by one toward the entrance.

  “You sure you’ll be all right?” The last to go, Deller stood hesitantly in the alcove. “There’s more food by the blankets for later, if you get hungry. You can close this door and push a chair against it. I’ll put the padlock on from the outside. It doesn’t actually lock, but it keeps the tramps from coming in.”

  “What if I have to go to the can?” asked Nellie.

  “Oh yeah,” said Deller, looking uncomfortable. “But if I leave the lock off—”

  “I’ll just hold it,” Nellie said quickly.

  Deller frowned, and then his face cleared. “Use that,” he said, pointing to a small plastic bucket in the corner. “You can dump it in the morning. I’ll come by early and take the padlock off. Then I have to go to work, but I can come back in the afternoon.” He paused, outlined in the alcove’s dusky gray-brown light. “I had to tell them, y’know,” he said slowly. “It was the only way they’d let you into the Skulls. They won’t tell anyone else though. They kissed the skull.” His voice quickened. “We could take them with us into the levels to look for Fen. It’d go quicker if there were five of us.”

  “That’s a lot of doubles,” Nellie said dubiously. “They’re already stupid enough in this level.”

  “They’re not bad,” Deller said, but she could hear the grin in his voice. “Not once you get to know them. Well, see you tomorrow.”

  “See you tomorrow,” Nellie echoed as the door closed behind him and the room filled with the rasp of the padlock slipping into place.

  Chapter 16

  IMMEDIATELY NE
LLIE HEADED for the bag of clothing that sat next to the blankets. Tearing it open she pulled out a soft yellow T-shirt, a pair of blue shorts, some underwear, and a bra. Slowly she turned the bra package in her hands, examining it by candlelight. There on the front was the usual embarrassing picture, but this time the girl looked her own age. Eagerly Nellie opened the box and held up the bra. Swaying in the candlelight, the familiar outline dangled in slim white lines. No mountaintops here. This one was definitely the fried-egg size.

  Sliding the straps onto her shoulders, she twisted her arms behind her back and tried to jam the hooks closed. But no matter how she bent and twisted the hooks wouldn’t slide into place. Grunting and puffing, Nellie corkscrewed her body this way and that, warping herself into unimaginable positions. Who was the moron that invented this thing? she thought, angrily removing the bra and studying every inch of it. A person needed four hands and eyes in the back of her head just to get it on.

  With a hiss she slid the straps back onto her shoulders and went at it again, huffing and jitterbugging about the room. When the hooks finally slid into place she was sweaty, red-faced and close to hyperventilating. Holding her arms straight out from her body, she took a cautious step forward. No jiggle. She took another careful step. Again, no jiggle. A giggle escaped her lips and she stomped toward the door, staring down at her chest. Even in the room’s dim light, she was sure the blobs were squished flat and all the movement had gone out of them. With a triumphant hoot, she began to jump and flail her arms. No more jiggling! She could run, twist and sky-high fly, and with this haircut no one would guess she was a girl unless they got real close. Boys would respect her, and—