Living with Shadows

by Annette Heys

  She went straight to the office and rang the hospital, explained that she was Michael’s tutor and asked if she could visit him. They told her if Michael agreed to see her, then it was fine by them, but in any case she couldn’t see him before Friday.

  When she got home she could not stop thinking about him, wondering what had made him decide to try and kill himself. She thought about some of the things that had caused her pain over the last few months, the death of her brother and how she wished she had spent more time with him instead of thinking about herself. She decided to write Michael a letter. She wanted to let him know that everyone gets depressed at some point in their life but things change, things get better; we just have to try and get through it. She thought that just knowing someone cared might help him overcome this dark period in his life.

  Michael. I was so shocked when I came into work today and heard what had happened. I never realised that that you were feeling so low. You should have told me how much you were dreading going before the Lifers’ Board. Perhaps John or I could have been there with you to give you some support.

  I wish there was something I could say or do to make you feel that life is worth living. I know from experience what it is to lose someone close and, although you say that no one would miss you if you were to die, it’s just not true. Even though you think your family don’t bother to come and see you, it’s not always the fact they don’t care about you. People get caught up in their own lives and once you lose touch it’s sometimes difficult to make contact again. They might feel that you don’t make an effort to get in touch with them, which could lead to them thinking that you’re doing all right.

  You remember I told you that my brother died recently? It was such a shock because even though he suffered periods of illness, none of us realised how serious it was. His immune system didn’t work properly so he had to have an infusion of antibodies every three weeks. He needed someone to be with him during the treatment and, without asking, he nominated me. I remember thinking at the time what a bind it would be, having to make myself available on a particular day every three weeks. It seemed I already had so much to do. Anyway, I agreed to it and now I’m so glad that I did. Sometimes I feel so selfish that I could have even thought about not helping him. Had I decided not to do it, I know I would have felt terrible about it now and there would be no going back to get it right.

  If you really feel you can’t talk to anybody about what you are going through, have you ever thought about going to the chapel? I know a few of the lads go and seem to get some sort of comfort from it. Also, there are people in here who are trained listeners, so perhaps that’s another option.

  Was it because of not wanting to face the Lifers’ Board made you try to take your own life, or is there another reason why you are so desperately unhappy? If there’s anything I can do to make you feel better, you know I’ll try.

  Please think about what I’ve said, Michael. Life is too precious to throw away. You’re still young enough to make a new life for yourself. Try to stay positive and I’ll see you again soon if you’d like me to.

  Kate

  P.S. Sorry if I sound as though I’m preaching; there’s just so much going on in my head.

  The following Friday Kate waited anxiously to be taken across to the hospital. It suddenly occurred to her that she did not know how Mac had tried to kill himself and wondered in what state she would find him.

  The hospital wing was not dissimilar to the rest of the prison with its steel doors and grey stairs and corridors. Once inside, there was another delay. Everyone was at lunch and she had to wait for a nurse to escort her to the wards. A television in the waiting room helped pass the time, but she couldn’t concentrate on the items of news that flashed over its screen. She was feeling apprehensive about seeing Michael. She wondered what frame of mind he’d be in, what they would talk about. Though John was convinced the reason Mac was in here was because of his fear of the Lifers’ Board, he wasn’t aware of the full picture.

  The wait seemed endless. The waiting room was small and airless, doubling as a kitchen. Why was it that sinks used by staff were always packed with unwashed crockery? It crossed her mind whether to wash up while she was waiting but the thought of being found with her sleeves rolled up clearing up other people’s mess might make her seem weird. One side of the room was a seating area and consisted of three modern blue fabric chairs pushed together and two or three armchairs, none of which was the least bit comfortable. Out of sheer boredom, she walked around the room reading leaflets and notices pinned to the walls. The everyday content of the literature made her forget she was in prison until a female voice startled her.

  ‘Are you here to see Michael?’

  She swept around to where a small, dark haired young nurse was standing in the doorway. She gave a pleasant smile and Kate followed her down some stairs, through another steel door and onto a long corridor from which she was shown into another waiting room and asked to take a seat while she went to fetch Michael. Soon, she heard footsteps approaching. Kate sat up and looked towards the door as Michael entered the room looking nervous and pale. He was wearing a long white baggy t-shirt over a pair of navy jogging trousers. His clothes hung off him, making him look thinner than ever. Both wrists were neatly bound in white bandages. He sat down on the bench seat that ran at right angles to where she sat and looked straight ahead. His face was gaunt and his eyes seemed full of pain and torment. Kate wanted to put her arms around him and comfort him but she knew it was out of the question.

  When she spoke, they weren’t the words she intended to say initially. ‘Why did you do it, Michael?’

  He answered keeping his eyes averted from hers. ‘Because I hate it in here.’

  ‘But it won’t always be like this; you have to think about when you get out.’

  ‘Do you think anyone would want to know me when I told them what I’d done?’

  ‘You wouldn’t need to tell them right away. Once they got to know you . . .’

  ‘I couldn’t do that. I’d have to tell them right away and that would be it. They’d run a mile.’

  Still, he didn’t look at her and his expression never altered. At that moment she felt so very sorry for him. ‘Michael, promise me you won’t do anything like this again.’

  His eyes filled up with tears and his lips quivered. ‘I can’t promise. They can’t watch me all the time. Some day I will do it.’

  Kate reached out and touched his hand, both of them fighting with their emotions, neither of them wanting to let their feelings show. She knew he meant what he said but didn’t want to believe it. He was depressed and frightened. He’d get help in here. This was a hospital, and they would sort him out. They sat silently for about a minute. Michael composed himself and moved his hand away to rub the back of his neck.

  ‘Has anyone let your mother know?’

  ‘I told them not to. She’d only want to come and visit me.’

  ‘Wouldn’t it help to talk to her?’

  ‘Nope. She’d only worry and, besides, she never bothers coming to visit any other time.’

  Kate knew he was determined on this and didn’t pursue it. ‘How are they treating you in here?’

  ‘All right. The nurses are nice.’ He turned and looked at her with the hint of a smile.

  ‘Well, that’s something. I hope you’re behaving yourself.’

  ‘You know me,’ he replied, lightening up a little. ‘I never thought you’d want to visit me.’

  ‘Well, there you are. I thought I couldn’t let you sit around doing nothing so I brought you some work.’ I produced a few worksheets on comprehension and spelling.

  ‘I told you you’re a slave driver. I bet you can’t stand to see anybody sitting around doing nothing in your house.’ I smiled, pleased to see him looking a little happier. ‘How will I get it back to you?’


  ‘Would you like me to visit you next week?’

  ‘Only if you want to. I don’t deserve it after the trouble I’ve given you.’

  ‘Well, it’s not the kind of news I relish first thing on a Monday morning, but I’ll forgive you as long as you have that work done for me next week.’ It felt better to keep things on a lighter note and she could see that Michael was beginning to feel more relaxed.

  ‘I can promise that at least. It’ll give me something to do. It’s boring in here.’

  ‘Yes, well I should imagine it’s much better than being on the wings, much quieter for start.’

  ‘It is, but it’s still prison, except I prefer nurses to screws any time.’

  ‘I can see they’ll have to watch themselves with you around. Right, I must get going. Haven’t had my lunch yet.’ She looked again at his skinny arms. ‘Are you eating properly?’

  ‘I wasn’t on the wings but they’re trying to get me to eat more in here. You women are all the same, always bossing us men around.’

  ‘It’s because you’re not capable of looking after yourselves.’ His perception of women was transparent. It was obvious he loved to be ‘bossed around’ by them. From what he’d written earlier, he’d had very little experience with girls but spoke as though he knew far more about them than he actually did. The irony was that he might never have a proper relationship with a woman again.

  ‘Oh, I nearly forgot.’ Kate reached into her pocket and handed him her letter. ‘I didn’t think I’d get chance to say some of the things I’ve written in this. I just hope it makes you feel better.’

  His face broke into a smile. ‘Thanks,’ he said, taking it from her and stuffing it into his back pocket.

  Michael walked down the corridor with her until they reached the nurse’s office. She looked up from behind her desk. ‘You wanting to go now?’ she asked, getting to her feet.

  ‘I’ll see you next week,’ Kate told Michael as the nurse went ahead of them to the steel door, the familiar bunch of keys jangling together on the chain at the side of her hip.

  ‘Yes. Thanks for coming and I’m sorry for all the trouble I’ve caused you.’ ‘It’s no trouble.’ She smiled at him and walked quickly away.

  When they were almost at the top of the stairs she asked the nurse how Michael was coping.

  ‘Oh, he’s a bit on the quiet side but he seems to have settled in all right.’

  ‘How long do you think he’ll be in here?’

  ‘Depends on him, really. He’s having medication for his depression which should help and he’ll see the doctor once a week for a chat about his progress.’

  ‘Do you think he’ll try again?

  ‘It’s hard to tell. Sometimes people can give the impression that everything is fine but it doesn’t take much to tip the balance. All we can do is try and look after him while he’s in here.’

  ‘Of course.’ She didn’t mention what Michael had told her about his determination to succeed one day. He’d never trust her again if he thought she was repeating anything he’d told her. All she could do was hope that he’d feel better in a week or two now that his greatest fear was out of the way, for the time being at least. Kate thanked the nurse and returned to the waiting room until someone came to take her back to the gate.

  She sat in her car for several minutes before driving off, just thinking about Michael’s bound wrists and how desperate he must have been to do that. What had he used? A razor blade? A few weeks earlier he’d walked into the classroom looking slightly self conscious knowing she was sure to comment on his clean shaven look. His black beard had gone because, he said, he just fancied a change.

  Such an insignificant looking piece of metal with the potential to do so much damage. Kate remembered what it felt like to hold one between her finger and thumb, so thin it hardly felt of anything. She was about fifteen when she would go into the bathroom and look at herself in the mirror until she didn’t see herself anymore. She would wet her hair and slick it back behind her ears and then she saw a boy who looked like her. Boys didn’t get into trouble, only girls. She wasn’t allowed to go to dances like her friends, and boyfriends were out of the question. She began to lie about where she was going or who she was with because she wanted to be like her friends and do the things they did. Sometimes her mother would find out and keep her in for weeks. Then she would go into the bathroom and take a razor blade out of its small white wrapper and draw it across her arm until it bled. She would make several cuts, feel their sting, watch the blood trickle down her arm, and get an odd sort of pleasure from the secrecy of it. It seemed strange to think of it after all this time but even now the memory brought the same lurching feeling to her stomach that she used to experience all those years ago.

  She hoped, now that Michael had people to look after him, he wouldn’t attempt anything like this again, but when she thought of the sadness in his eyes and the conviction in his voice, she didn’t feel one bit sure.

  She switched on the engine and turned the car towards the exit. She wanted to get away from Michael’s sadness and the painful memories today’s events had resurrected in her. She thought about his not wanting his mother to visit. She wondered what it would be like to be her, to have a son in prison and not know what he was going through, or that he’d attempted suicide. If he did eventually go through with it, she might never see him again. How would she feel then? If it was her son, Kate didn’t think she could ever forgive herself.

  The telephone gave out one long continuous tone. Kate immediately realised it was out of order, or disconnected, which was the more likely of the two. With a certain amount of apprehension, she flicked down the menu on the telephone until she found Ben’s mobile. It rang for a few moments before he answered.

  ‘Hi, I’m just ringing to see how you are. You’re not at work, then?’

  ‘No, I’ve rung in. I’ve got the ‘flu.’

  His words sounded slightly slurred and alarm bells began to ring. ‘You sound odd,’ she told him, afraid of accusing him of drinking until she heard what he had to say.

  ‘S’probably the tablets. I took some not long ago.’

  ‘Would you like me to come over?’ Something told her there was more to this and she needed to see him to put her mind at rest.

  ‘No, Mum, honest. I’ll be fine. I’m already feeling better than I did a couple of days ago.’

  Too eager. He seemed too eager for her not to go over there. ‘It’s no trouble. I could be there in an hour, make your tea; what do you fancy?’

  ‘Mum, stop fussing. I’m all right. God, anyone would think I was a kid.’

  She had to make a big effort not to respond to that. ‘Your phone isn’t working.’

  ‘It went off a few days ago. I’ve rung them.’

  Kate sensed frustration in his voice. ‘I’ve been meaning to call. Last time I rang, someone else answered. Have you got a flat mate?

  ‘No, I didn’t bother. I don’t think it would have worked. Must have been one of my friends. They stay over now and then. How are you and Jim, anyway?’

  ‘We’re fine. I had a shock when I went to work last week . . .’ She told him all about Michael, how she worried about him and how sad he seemed.

  ‘Well, there’s nothing anyone can do in the end. It’s his choice.’

  She realised that’s what most people would say, and in the same matter of fact manner. You had to know the person to be concerned for them, otherwise, yes, she imagine one would think that in the end that’s all it boils down to, someone’s choice. ‘Are you coming over soon? Stay the weekend if you like.’

  ‘Yeah, that’d be great. I’ll leave it a few weeks if that’s okay. I’m decorating the living room and I want to get it finished.’

  ‘I could come and give you a lift this weekend if you like,’ seizing an opportunity to visit
.

  He was quick to reply. ‘You’re okay, a friend’s helping me.’

  She already knew he would decline the offer but warned him that if he didn’t come over in the next few weeks, she would most definitely be paying him a visit whether he liked it or not.

  ‘Right, Mum, it’s a promise.’

  Reluctantly, she let him go. There was no more to be said. The more she pushed to see him, the more he resisted. The worst thing was she was never quite sure what to believe. Was he really decorating his flat? It’s not something you’d feel like doing if you were just getting over the ‘flu.

  Then she tried to rationalise her fears; that the way she was thinking was partly to do with her own insecurity. She had recently lost her brother and on top of that was the shock of Michael. Her thoughts returned to him and she found herself looking forward to seeing him on Friday. She hoped her letter had given him some hope, no matter how small.

  15th April

  Well I’ve just opened your letter I’ve been dying to read it and now I’ve read it a few times I never really thought you thought this way you are not a selfish person for from it you are a warm and wonderful caring person one in a million you are the nicest person I ever met and I’m not saying this to be kind I mean every word of this I felt very guilty for hurting you the way I did I’am really truly sorry you have been so good to me and I treat you like this I just wanted to put my arms around you and say how sorry I was for upsetting you and making you feel so bad I find Im always letting you down one way or another it was like the other Tuesday I noticed that your top was revelling a little bit more than you realised I found myself in two minds about saying anything because I felt embaressed about saying something and I did not want to embaress you its like when you come over to me and started explaining the work you wanted me to do well you sort of lent a little to far over and well my eyes were all over the place I have to be honest with you I did look for a few moments Im sorry I could not help myself Im a weak person I could not help thinking what a beautiful site it was you looked so sexy so after I had seen enough I don’t mean it that way don’t get me wrong I could have looked down there all day if I could or if I was allowed to that is I don’t want you thinking Im just some sort of pervert Im not far from it you know how much I fancy you well it was like you made all my christmas’es and birthdays seem like they all come at once come on at least Im being honest with you Im sure if you were me and I was you you would not have been able to resist a look its only human nature to look at the opissite sex I hope you never get rid of that black top now it would be a very sad day if you do look I hope Im not embaressing you because you should be proud of the fact your in your 40s and you still got it going on the sexiest 40 odd year old I ever seen Im not just saying this because Im in prison or just being kind I mean it put it like this I would not mind waking up to you each morning or if circumstances were different I’d marry you no problem Id look after you when your grey and old I wish I could prove this maybe Id get my chance in the next life you know me I know my own mind what I say I really mean