Living with Shadows

by Annette Heys

  People lined the railings in front of the church; guests mingled with friends and neighbours who had come along just to get a glimpse of the bride and bridesmaids. Stepping out of the taxi, she could see into the churchyard where Ben was chatting to her brother and his family. He looked handsome in a light grey suit and collar and tie. Kate walked over and introduced them to Sharon and the baby. A few pleasantries were exchanged and she caught herself smiling yet slightly nervous as she looked around at the small groups of people from both families, all radiant in their new wedding outfits, the warm September sunshine seeming to increase the splendour of the moment.

  The vicar arrived and everyone filed into the cool atmosphere of the church adjusting their eyes to the darker light. Blades of sunshine sliced through the stained glass windows lighting up the dark pews, while the organ played softly in the background. After about ten minutes, Mendelssohn’s wedding march swept through the church and heads turned hoping for a glimpse of the bride making her entrance. Kate turned to see her daughter stepping gracefully, beautifully down the aisle, her arm loosely linked through Jim’s, her bridesmaids walking ceremoniously behind, their faces brimming with excitement. When she saw Alex and Sam standing side by side she thought, yes, Sam had got it right, and she was so very proud of her. Tears sprung to her eyes and she reached into her handbag for a tissue. Her hand came into contact with her mobile phone and she realised she hadn’t switched it off. She quickly took it out and saw that there was one message. She wondered who it could be from since she received so few, and couldn’t resist opening it. Why have you abandoned me? I gave you the truth. She felt her insides twist as she tried to make sense of those few words. She read the number but it wasn’t one she recognised. And then she scanned the list of numbers before realisation dawned. She had picked up Jim’s phone by mistake. He was having an affair—but with whom? Again, the awful truth dawned. Mrs. Duncan. He was never away. Her knees buckled and waves of nausea coursed through her. Then the vicar’s voice cut through her thoughts and she thrust the phone into her bag and pulled out a tissue, dabbing furiously at her eyes to try and stop the flow of tears that threatened. The day . . . this day of all days . . . was ruined, for her at any rate. She looked at Sam and thought of the excitement and happiness she must be feeling, a similar emotion to her own just a few moments ago. She looked at Jim, oblivious of her discovery as he returned her gaze with a smile and wink. She remembered the look he gave her in the kitchen. It hadn’t expressed sorrow at all. It was guilt. Seeing her in her wedding outfit, the same colour she had worn at their own wedding had to have some impact on him.

  As she stepped out into the sunshine she had only a hazy recollection of the wedding ceremony . . . Sam and Alex’s voices as they repeated their wedding vows, a hymn, Love divine all loves excelling, a few words by the vicar about the sanctity of marriage . . . and she’d half listened, mocked the words, the sentiments, the farce and hypocrisy of it all. She’d thought about when she was a little girl, made to come to church every Sunday. She’d looked around at the people standing closest to her in their finery, and saw again the pious looks on their faces. People didn’t really believe all this stuff, did they? Not today; not when there was so much badness in the world, religious mania, murder, when so many marriages fail . . .

  ‘Can I have the family of the bride over here, please?’ The photographer was gathering everyone together like sheep. Mechanically, she went and stood next to Sam.

  ‘God, cheer up, Mum, you look as though you’re at a funeral.’

  Kate smiled weakly and drew away from Jim who put his arm around her and pulled her next to him. ‘All right?’ he whispered; a look of concern on his face.

  Unable to contain herself, she delved into her handbag and pulled out the hateful phone thrusting it at him. ‘What do you think?’ she hissed.

  He removed his arm from her shoulder and took the phone from her. There was the guilty look again but this time it was mingled with one of fear. He didn’t check his messages, there was no need. She knew he’d worked out what had happened.

  ‘Mum, Jim, can you pay attention. The photographer’s trying to get you in position,’ Ben called. ‘And can you try to smile. It is supposed to be a happy occasion.’

  ‘Sorry,’ Kate answered, looking towards the photographer and forcing her mouth into a smile. False, everything false. Everything covered by a thin veneer . . . a superficial cover. And to think she had been concerned about Ben when all the time . . . she mustn’t think about it. She wouldn’t let it completely ruin the day. There would be time later. At least he’d be worrying about what was to come. Just get through the day.

  The photographs seemed to go on for ever before they were whisked away in taxis to the reception. On that two mile journey it must have been obvious to Sharon and Ben there was something wrong between Jim and her, but neither of them made any hint of it. Ben did his best to draw them into conversation but in the end gave up and spoke directly to Sharon, taking the focus away from the odd behaviour of his parents.

  It wasn’t until after the speeches and the meal that the opportunity arose to speak to Jim. She had really made an effort to hide her true feelings and had managed to go round the room and speak to most of the guests. But the thought of Jim and that woman were never far from her thoughts and she began to feel anxious. She needed to escape from the music and constant laughter and chatter of the guests and decided to take a stroll through the grounds to try to clear her head and decide what to do. She was sure she could never forgive him for what he’d done.

  She had just left the gardens, their beautiful green lawns broken up with clusters of sweet smelling shrubs and flowers, and was walking along a narrow path through a wooded area when she heard Jim’s voice behind her.

  ‘Kate, I need to speak to you.’

  She turned and glowered at him. ‘Well, I don’t want to speak to you,’ she replied, hurrying away from him.

  He hurried after with her and turned her around to face him. ‘You’re going to listen whether you like it or not,’ he insisted. ‘I never wanted any of this . . . but you . . . you were so preoccupied with work, with . . . Michael, you didn’t have time for me.’

  ‘So it’s all my fault! I need to work, Jim and I’ve worked hard to get where I am. It may not be what I had in mind when I qualified, but actually, most of the time I enjoy what I do.’ She lied. Most of the time, she was trying to think of a way to make things normal again instead of living in fear of what might happen.

  ‘But you never shut up about it . . . about him, Michael. It’s like you’re having an affair, Kate. Are you sure you’re not in love with him because he’s on your mind all the time?’

  She looked at him as though he’d gone mad. ‘How dare you accuse me of having an affair when it’s you . . . you and that Mrs. Duncan. How long has that been going on? It must be some time because you’re never away from her place, even today of all days.’

  Jim hesitated, gathering his thoughts. ‘Not that long, actually . . . and I regret it so much. When I saw you today, I realised how much I love you. I’ve done a terrible thing, Kate, but I felt so . . . alone.’

  ‘Not quite true, Jim.’

  ‘I know you probably won’t believe me, but I don’t feel anything for her . . . nothing. She just happened to be there when I needed someone to talk to. All those memories from years ago . . . Matt . . . the problems with Ben . . . and then Sharon coming back into my life. It was useless trying to talk to you; you were always somewhere else . . . mentally at any rate. It was as though I didn’t exist for you any more.’ Kate turned to walk away from him but he grabbed her arm. ‘If you’re not in love with him, then he certainly has feelings for you from what I’ve seen in those letters he’s written you.’

  She felt herself flush with embarrassment and then anger. ‘You had no right to read those letters. How dare you go sneaking through my things?’
She wrenched her arm free of his grip. ‘I bet the only reason you haven’t mentioned them before now is because finding them probably appeased your own conscience.’ She felt the tears pricking her eyes and quickly looked away. ‘Go back inside, Jim! You might have ruined everything for me, but you’d better not spoil things for Sam.’

  ‘I’m really sorry, Kate . . . I hope you can forgive me.’

  She sensed the anguish in his voice and could no longer hold back her tears as she heard him turn and walk away. Although she felt empty and hurt, she had to admit there was some truth in what he said. She had neglected him. She had become obsessed with Michael. She talked about him the whole time because she didn’t have anyone else to talk to. She was in way over her head and she didn’t know how to get out of it. She was afraid. Jim must have been suffering too but she never gave him the opportunity to talk to her about it. No wonder he thought she was in love with Michael. Jim’s words disturbed her.

  What did she honestly think of Michael? He was good looking and could be charming and caring, was always courteous and very flattering. He looked out for her . . . advised her on prison procedures to keep her from getting into trouble with the regime. He warned her about certain prisoners. He was complimentary about her appearance and how she helped him overcome his shyness. He was a good student, seemed keen to learn . . . or was that just to please her? And then, there were the letters. She had been intrigued, at first, reading about his past . . . but later . . . when they became more personal, when he began to reveal how he felt about her . . . yes, initially she supposed she had been flattered . . . but now . . . now she wondered what went on in his mind. Now, she knew it had to stop . . . it had to stop because she was not in control any more.

  No, Jim, she thought, I don’t love him but I’m afraid of what he might do to himself and how I would cope knowing that I opened up his wounds . . . knowing I can do nothing to rid him of his nightmares . . . except maybe to enter into his fantasy world and tell him whatever he wants to hear.

  But she knew that was not an option. She could never allow herself to go down that road as it would only lead to more misery.

  Her thoughts soon turned back to her marriage, or what was left of it. If Jim thought he could exonerate himself by saying he felt nothing for that woman, then he was deluding himself. What if he had felt neglected? Does that make it right to jump into bed with someone else? She had suspected nothing of their affair, whereas Jim harboured thoughts of her being in love with Michael, perhaps with some justification after reading his letters. He wanted her to believe that his physical relationship without emotion, or so he said, was no worse than the all consuming mental relationship she was supposed to be having. When put like that, she wondered if he did not have a point.

  If she thought things were in a mess before, this latest revelation left her feeling utterly crushed.

  It seemed to Kate that no sooner had she found a solution to one problem than another presented itself.

  Ben had been wonderful at the wedding, chatting to guests and introducing them to one another. He showed no signs of drug addiction. If he was still taking anything, he’d done a good job of hiding it. The truth was she just didn’t know how he was getting on. Sam told her very little, said the less her mother had to do with Ben the better because she was far too soft with him. Kate had surprised her by not offering any objections.

  The hardest thing since the wedding was pretending there was nothing wrong between her and Jim, a facade she could just about cope with until Sharon and the baby returned home on the following Tuesday. On the night of the wedding Kate had drunk so much she hardly remembered getting into bed. She wanted to obliterate Jim’s affair from her memory and had fallen asleep as soon as her head touched the pillow. The following day her surly mood could easily have been put down to over indulgence, an assumption she would not have quashed had anyone asked. Angry as she was, she didn’t want to upset Sharon by telling her what had gone on between her father and that woman. She did her best to behave normally towards Jim to try and cover up the rift between them. Jim did likewise but Kate thought his constant attempts to please were pretty unconvincing to anyone with the slightest experience of marital friction. Despite their best efforts, Sharon’s face would occasionally cloud over and on these occasions she would use Louise to ease the tension that hung over them like a nuclear fallout.

  At ten o’clock on Sunday evening Kate feigned a headache and went up to bed. Within five minutes Jim was in the bedroom, surprised to see her dragging blankets out of the wardrobe and flinging them onto the floor.

  ‘What are you doing?’

  ‘You don’t really think I’m sleeping in the same bed as you, do you?’ she snapped.

  ‘Kate, you can’t . . . what will Sharon think?’

  ‘That’s your problem.’

  He sat down on the edge of the bed staring at the heap of blankets on the floor. ‘I’m not going back to Helen’s . . . Mrs. Duncan’s . . . tomorrow, or any other time. It’s finished.’ Kate climbed into bed and pulled the covers up around her ears without looking at him. ‘I want to start again . . . us. I’d like to take you on holiday . . . wherever you like. Why don’t you book a couple of weeks off.’

  She could hardly believe what she was hearing. Did he think a holiday could repair what he’d done?

  She felt the weight lift from the bottom of the bed. ‘Please think about it, Kate. We’ve been through so much together . . .’ His voice trailed off and he left the room closing the door softly behind him.

  Kate threw herself onto her side and curled up into a ball. The idea of a holiday with Jim was repellent to her.

  She relished the thought of work if only to get away from the awful situation at home. She had booked Monday off so that she could spend time with Sharon and the baby. How she wished she hadn’t. She had made excuses to leave Jim and Sharon together on Sunday and on Monday told them she needed to prepare work for her classes. In truth she sat in her bedroom re-reading some of Michael’s letters. The first one she read painted a picture of gloom—wondering what had happened to his siblings, the bullying, and the shock of finding his little dog dead knowing he was the one who had killed it.

  She tried to imagine how she would have felt if part of her family had just disappeared, and wondered why he never questioned it. If her own experience was anything to go by, she realised it was fairly obvious. Children didn’t have a say in family matters. No matter how parents behaved, whatever decisions they made, was never questioned. If they had violent rows, screamed and shouted, fought with each other, children knew not to interfere. All they could do was sit in fear until it stopped. When her parents argued, Kate remembered how she felt sorry for the loser and fearful of the victor knowing that their anger would not yet have been spent and the slightest provocation could turn it on her or her siblings.

  Though she kept telling herself she must discourage his letter writing, sometimes her curiosity got the better of her and she just had to question some of the things he told her. And then she came across a case in point:

  “ . . . This thing about my mum and me not asking about were my brother and sisters were at the time well I never ever asked the question and she never told me but it was strange one minute they were around the next minute they were gone maybe my mum was to young to look after all of us at one time can you imagine dragging five kids around with you every were or may be it was Just to much at the time maybe they stayed with some of my mums sisters even in later years I never asked I always waited for her to mention it but she never did maybe one day I might ask her because I knew you were going to want to know this question as soon as I know I will tell you thats a promise . . .”

  She picked up another letter.

  “. . . so would you ever think of swapping your partner just to spicen up your love life if you could if I were married I would definitly swap my wife for you any d
ay of the week anyway about spicing up your sex life of course if I was a real man I would enjoy the thought of someone watching me having it of with a woman as long as they thought I did not know they were watching or doing it out in the open air that would be a real turn on lying in a field knowing you stand a good chance someone will see you in the act I know what would be my ultimate fantacy watching two women at it there’s just something about two women doing it to each other . . . oh well time to get up drag my tired body of to the shower then look in the mirror to brush the cob webs out of my mouth I look in the mirror and nearly scare myself to death who is that horrible ugly thing in the mirror shit its me men are ugly bastards . . . I hate weekends I hope your week end was more exciting oh yeah your of to your daughters wedding with your husband that should be exciting mind you dont have to much to drink . . . I know what I would love to do if I had a time-machine go back to roman times and see what it was really like and see how they made all those temples and them big phyramids the people of that time I think were more advanced than the people of today Im curious about things like this and how did they know what food was safe to eat and what was not safe the most curious thing to me about the past was how did they find out about sex I mean how did they know what to do with there body parts it could not just have happened I often wondered about this and what about when the first woman got pregnant and found her belly getting bigger and what would it be like to see her face when this thing came out of her a baby I wonder if she knew what it was they probably thought it was some evil spirit at the time I would have loved to gone back to when the dinosaurs were about to see if they really exsisted I would have brought a few of there eggs back to this time to see if they would have lived and I would probably have gone back in time to see if there was such a person as Jesus and see what he was really like and if it was true about him turning water into wine . . . Id never be around in this time if I had a time-machine Id even go back and change a few things about my past and put them right . . . oh yeah theres something I never told you about but you found out when you went on that case conference on me down the hospital you know about keeping all them tablets I started keeping them when I came down the hospital before you came down and see me I was looking for a way out of it so I decided to keep saving my tablets up until I got enough to do the job but someone grassed me up before I had the chance to take them now they wont give me no more tablets just fluid stuff they seem to think I would not have taken all these tablets well it goes to show they don’t know me very well I would have told you about getting caught with these but I had other things on my mind like how was I going to face everybody when I went back on education I never told you about this but on my way over I was ready to turn back Id lost my bottle and well this is something you don’t know about I heard your voice telling me come on everything will be alright theres nothing to worry about you were right as usual Im a little surprised I heard your voice and when I went in the class it was like your voice said it would be just fine I did have by doubtes of course as soon as I opened the class room door and see all these familiar faces then I saw yours and everything was then fine I can still remember the first day you walked in the class you were like a breath of fresh air the other teachers before you were okay but Id learnt as much as I could from them I was all for leaving education that week then you arrived on the scene there was something about you that I liked I never knew what it was but you seemed different from the rest of the teachers I already had so I thought lets wait a little longer before quitting education and so I would give you a chance to see if things would improve the others in the class just came in the class to mess about I really wanted to learn as I never had much of a chance in my younger days Im glad I met you when I did nowadays in the class before I go in I know for a fact you are going to be wearing something nice that’s something else about you you always dress nice you’re a very classy woman you can dress sexy as well you were wearing these black leggings the other day when you brought that vidio in for us to watch you bent over to fix the vidio you got a sexy bum and I was not the only other person to notice either I suppose these black leggings will be now for week-ends only as well I don’t see why really you look fantastic in them if a man says you look sexy in something you should take that as a compliment . . . anyway I had a shitty nights sleep Bill the guy who moved in here yesterday did nothing but snore half the night and apart from that my love life is out the window since these two moved in I can’t get 20 minutes to myself I will be glad when they go Im sure I should have been a woman how many men have you ever come across who say what they get up to in private I only know women talk about this kind of thing when they get together you probably will never come across someone like me a lot of men would not dream of mentioning any of the things I have told you there’s things a married man would say to his mate but not his wife or this might be the other way round a wife says things to her best friend but not to the husband I thought all married people told each other everything but I know and you know this is not the case so am I boring you to tears yet probably yes Im an expert at boring people to death I’ve got it down to a fine art . . . now whats the most interesting thing I got up to when I was outside well lets see now apart from being able to turn any woman on this earth legs to jelly with just my tongue and fingers well I could spend all day just walking around just walking for miles this is what I did when I was in Belfast just walking through the countryside by myself there was a river were I used to walk by Id do this in the summer Id strip off compleatly and go for a swim I loved the feeling of swimming naked I never had a towel so I would get out of the water and just walk bollock naked till I was dry this was a real turn on for me I loved waring nothing when I could even when my mum went shopping or whatever I would just walk around the house with nothing on I felt really comfortable like this I would have loved to have gone to one of them naturist beaches but if I saw a woman naked there I would have got over excited you know what I mean its alright for women they dont show there excited like men do on the outside I would have loved to gone to one of these place’s or for the goverment to ban all people from waring clothe’s I dont even ware anything in bed what about you I hate waring clothes I dont care what size I am down below it does not bother me one bit cause I know once its up its a reasonable size Im sorry I told you a little white lie in some of that written stuff I gave you I told you what size it was I said 6½ when erect but I was lying to make myself feel good its only 5½ when up now you know even this is way to small to sattisfie any woman so I have to sattisfie them in other ways which I do quite easley I know I have no experience in making love to a woman they never gave me a chance so I had to sattisfie them with oral sex which is great I spend at least 4/5 hours on a womans body because there are so many place’s to explore I used to wonder what a womans g string was till I read about it tell me if Im wrong this can be found in the inside of a womans vagina and if you put your biggest finger slitely in bent up in an angle then you have found the pleasure button you tell me if Im wrong but I dont think I am some how I know most of the place’s on a womans body which feels all the pleasure you still got a beautiful body you have more sex appeal than anyone I ever went out with I could easley make love to you at least 7 times a day and Im not kidding you are what men think of Goldie Hawn that blond film star a sex goddess I would not mind being your bar of soap when you get a shower I hope I have not offended you or imbaressed you Im really sorry if I have I’ve got a lot of views on things but don’t get the chance to talk about them because there is not much time in the class and anyway I would only talk about this kind of thing when you are by yourself this kind of thing gives me a chance to say things you might think I might not want to mention people seem to think because Im so quiet I don’t have much to say or talk about but you give me this chance to talk to you in written form and now you see what things I think about if any of these things in here are to offencive or just over the top or to personal I’am truly sorry you only have to rip this stuff u
p or burn it and when you see me you can tell me to get lost I would understand I tend to go straight to the point when I write and say exactly what is on my mind and get very carried away I mean not to affend you or imbaress you in anyway Id like to think I have been nothing but straight with you and truthfull all the way I think you know what Im like from that other written stuff I have done for you I have not changed over night I tend to be honest about things and say what is on my mind as you can see Im still the same person you knew when I first came into your class its just Ive had a chance to break free from just being plain and quiet and shy by bein able to write about things on paper I hope we can still be friends after this . . .”