Living with Shadows

by Annette Heys

  Later that morning, Kate kept herself busy cleaning. She started with the bathroom which looked as though it hadn’t had a good clean in months, like most other rooms in the house. It was a family home, not a place for one person. The gardens alone needed a lot of attention with their long borders, lawns and hedges. One of the problems her mother had in not noticing the place was looking shabby was her failing eyesight. It had been obvious for years that she struggled to read small print. She would sit hunched over the newspaper, eyes screwed up as she strained to read. When anyone suggested she might need glasses, she always replied that her eyes were fine; it was just down to tiredness. One day Kate arrived to find her mother asleep in her armchair, the newspaper on the floor beside her. Perched on the end of her nose were the large framed glasses that had belonged to her father.

  Over the next few days Kate noticed how forgetful her mother was. She would lose track of the days, forget her medication, mislay things, and Kate knew this type of confusion wasn’t all down to her recent fall. Although she had moved in with her under false pretences, she now felt justified in being there. She worried about leaving her to go to work especially when her mother insisted on doing things her own way. One day before she went to work, Kate had gone around the house removing all the little mats her mother had down in front of doors and across the length of the hearth. When she came home, every one of them was back in its place and her mother wore a triumphant look for the rest of the day. It was soon after that she started to grumble at Kate about it not being fair to leave Jim on his own and said it would be best for everyone if she sold up and went into a home.

  Ben had moved in with Jim. He said it made more sense now that they were working together, but Kate had her own thoughts on the matter. She believed it was just another grand gesture to seduce her into returning home. Sam had taken pity on Jim and asked him round to hers for meals or taken him something she had cooked at home. All this fuss over Jim’s welfare! Kate thought they wouldn’t be so eager to look after him if they knew what he’d done. And then Sam turned up one day and said Jim had told them everything because he didn’t want them blaming their mother for the way things were between them. But Sam’s reaction was not what Kate expected because she did blame her. She said she hadn’t had the time of day for anyone since she started to work in that prison so it was no wonder Jim had strayed.

  It was a shock to hear that Sam held her at fault. Whether Ben shared the same views, she didn’t know. The idea had crossed her mind that she wasn’t entirely innocent—her preoccupation with Michael had gone on for some time now—but she had not realised anyone had noticed. She had spent the past few months with her head turned to the wall.

  The question was, where should she go from here? There wasn’t much point in trying to do anything until she sorted out the problem with Michael. From now on she must do her best to discourage him from writing to her. As an alternative, perhaps he could research something that interested him, his favourite group or football team.

  Kate waited until all the prisoners were in their seats before calling the register. ‘Gerry, Lenny, Michael,’ each one responding ‘Here, miss,’ until, ‘Tommy . . .’

  ‘You’ll not be seein’ ‘im again,’ Gerry shouted. ‘He’s been shipped out.’ Everyone turned to hear what Tommy had done that warranted his removal from this prison. ‘He’s been doin’ drugs. Allas made out he were squeaky clean but he’d a well proper scam goin’ on.’

  ‘How do you know?’ Lenny asked.

  ‘Cos he was on my wing. Do ya know that young lad that was taken to hospital with his face slashed?

  ‘Yeah, yeah, right. What about it?’

  ‘Well, he owed Tommy for some weed. That’s what he done to people who didn’t pay up.’

  Kate looked surprised. ‘I’d never have believed he could do a thing like that.’

  ‘Oh aye, proper little choir boy, our Tommy,’ Gerry said. ‘Came across like butter wouldn’t melt but there was another side to him, Miss. Everyone was scared stiff of him on our wing—except for me o’ course.’

  ‘Yeah, right, in your dreams,’ Lenny shouted to everyone’s amusement.

  ‘Okay, let’s get on. We should get more done today, then, without one of Tommy’s stories. I imagine it won’t be long before he’s entertaining another class full of students somewhere.’

  Kate found a few moments to talk to Michael about what he could do as a project. ‘Have you thought of any more stories you could write?’

  ‘Naw. I don’t really like fiction. I prefer to learn about something that’s true . . . but I was really grateful that you typed up my story. It looks a lot better in print than my scruffy handwriting. I’m going to get you something for doing that for me. Do you like chocolates? Course you do; all women like chocolates.’

  ‘Don’t be silly; it was no trouble and I don’t want anything,’ Kate told him. If he preferred non-fiction, she thought to herself, he might just go along with her next suggestion. ‘What about researching a pop group, or someone you admire, a footballer for instance? Can you think of anyone?’

  Michael thought for a few moments before answering. ‘I like the Beatles.’

  ‘Good. So do I. What about writing about them, how they got together, the people who influenced them, and so on. You need to make a list of things you want to find out about, and then put them in some sort of order. What do you think?’

  He thought for a moment. ‘I’ll give it a go.’

  ‘You need to think about where you’ll get your information,’ Kate went on, encouraged by his quick response.

  ‘Library?’

  ‘Yes, that’s one source but there are others. Try to think of some more,’ Kate told him, getting up from her chair.

  ‘I didn’t expect any help from you, you being a slave driver.’

  ‘I like to keep you busy, that’s all.’ She was about to move away when he pulled an envelope out of his folder.

  ‘Here. I wrote this over the week end.’

  ‘Oh, right. Thanks.’ Kate took it from him and put it on top of the papers she was holding. ‘I’ll read it later.’ She looked around and saw that everyone was working except Mark who appeared to be waiting for her attention. He glanced at Michael and she wondered if he’d seen him pass her the envelope. She went over to her desk and placed the papers down with the envelope to the bottom of the pile before returning to Mark. Whether he’d seen anything or not, he made no comment.

  ‘Right, Mark, how can I help you?’

  ‘I don’t understand what this means.’

  Kate helped Mark with his work and returned to her desk. Everyone appeared to be getting on with their work. Still, she felt slightly uneasy at the fact that someone might have noticed Mac passing her the envelope and got the wrong idea. They were a funny lot. She couldn’t imagine anyone actually saying anything outright to her but they enjoyed a bit of gossip as much as the next person. It made her realise more than ever that this letter writing business must stop.

  She looked across to where Michael was sitting by the window, occasionally writing something down and then pausing to stare out of the window for a few moments while he gathered his thoughts before jotting down another idea. He was a model pupil, hardly ever grumbled about anything and always prepared to try something new, even though he soon got bored. Sometimes, like today when he appeared to be reasonably content like any other prisoner in the room, she wondered if he was still intent on ending his life. If he was, it must be on his mind the whole time, when and how he’d do it. Yet he had seemed happier lately, not so edgy. If only she could be sure. Eight years he’d been inside with at least another eight or more to go. Didn’t he once say he’d be forty when he got out? She couldn’t begin to imagine what it must be like to be locked up for so long, never to go into a shop, have a night out with friends or take a walk. Little wonder he had his fant
asy world.

  The years might have been rolling by but it seemed that as a person he hadn’t grown. It was hard to believe he had turned thirty, an age that he once said he’d had a premonition he’d never reach. He still looked more like a twenty year old, and in some ways behaved even younger. In prison there was no opportunity to engage with ordinary life and so how could anyone develop as a human being? For prisoners everything on the outside was beyond their control and living and dying and every aspect of life went on as though they did not exist. Every day in prison must be so similar to the last, and Kate was reminded of Sisyphus who was condemned in Hades eternally to push a rock to the top of a hill, only for it to roll back down to the bottom. An existence, yes, but not much of one.

  The bell stirred her from her thoughts and she went around the room collecting folders. Michael pushed his paper towards her and she noticed he’d written down quite a few ideas to research about the Beatles. ‘Great stuff,’ she said, picking up his work. ‘You’ve made a good start. Do you want to keep it until tomorrow?’

  ‘No, it’s okay. I’ll get a book from the library.’

  She wondered whether he was just saying that to please her. She sent them all on their way and was soon outside heading for the car park. She was sure she hadn’t mentioned to Michael that she sometimes read his letters in the car and thought his words on the back of the envelope must have been a coincidence.

  To Kate

  This is only for reading in the car or a

  very quite place

  Inside the envelope was a floral covered card with the words Just to say . . . written across the top. Kate opened it and read:

  this is Just to say a late thank you for all the times you visited me while I was in hospital a massive Thankyou. anyway I got a bit carried away with myself and wrote some other stuff. there was not much room on this card there was more I wanted to say so I got a piece of paper and as you will see I got very carried away I could not help myself I hope you don’t mind. Well I’m sure I will find out soon enough take it anyway

  Mike

  She unfolded the pieces of paper inside the card. The first was in much neater handwriting than usual and she realised he must have taken a lot of care in writing it.

  13th October

  I should have done this a while back but as you know Ive not been in the right frame of mind. Well I never did get around to telling you how greatful I was to you for all the times you came down to the hospital to visit me like you did I was really glad to see you I used to look forward to seeing you it really cheered me up even if it did not look that way sometimes it was because you know when you get a good thing going then all of a sudden it ends I did not expect you to come down every week I hope I did not give you the impression that you had to come down every week because I would have hated myself but what ever your reason was I was happy to see you when ever the chance came around I have to say honestly that I was over the moon when you started coming down it was better than winning the lottery itself I hope you dont mind me saying this a lot of people have things on there minds that they want to say to someone but keep putting of or leave it till its to late not me something might happen and I might never get that chance again lifes to short it is if your me. anyway I like you a lot as a friend as you know one in a million I really mean that I dont know if you know this or not but I always fancied you for a long time you had that something about you the way you smiled them big brown eyes and wow that sexy figure of yours your a knock out this is why I sometimes say your husband is very lucky to have you Id swap place’s with him any day of the week I hope I have not affended you in anyway or embarrassed you if so I am very sorry but I have told you before how fantastic you look and Im not saying this because I am in prison for a long time not so I know what I like and I know my own mind the age difference means nothing at all to me its Just a number and that is all I would have loved to knowen you outside but Im glad I had this great chance to meet someone like you it might well proburley be the last chance I meet somebody like you again this chance comes around only once in a life time so I may as well enjoy it while it lasts how ever long that may be I would have told you this myself but theres never been a quite moment in the class or the time and anyway there are two many ears listening in the class for my likeing anyway what ever things you told me down the hospital about yourself or your family I dont entend to tell anyone why should I what ever you say to me is in confidence I will take it to the grave I want you to trust me because I know I can trust you more than anyone I know well Ive said what I wanted to say and so if I were you I would burn this up you know what people are like if they found this they would put 2 and 2 together and come up with 100 some people are stupid and dumb anyhow take it easy all the best for now thats if you ever want to talk to me again after reading this I dont blame you if you dont I know I would be gutted I see no harm in fancying someone seeing we are on different sides of the wall and I Just happen to be a nobody as well Just as well aint it.

  P.S. I hope we can still be friends after this I did say in this that theres no real harm in fancying someone I hope you see it that way as well

  Mike

  Reading this letter left Kate feeling worried. It seemed as though he was tying up loose ends, making sure she knew how much he fancied her yet there was a sense of needing to tell her in case something happened. And then she turned the page—Mac’s attempt at poetry.

  Secret fantasy

  After I saw the sparkle in your eyes

  I was left completely mesmerized with your long brown beautiful hair you would look great dressed as a vampirer having to wait for you to come out at night

  I think you would look sexy waring black suspenders if I was lucky I would not run off in fright if I got this lucky sight

  I would gladly let you have a bite

  Then I would be completely satisfied

  Then I hope that you would be to

  So hows about putting this to the test by filling my head with your sexy conquest even though your so mature I still think you still got soft white smooth skin you still got a sexy pair of pins to match that sexy figure

  I bet you could light my firer I think I better

  get a cold shower

  Now that was more like Mac, carried away with his fantasies. She skimmed through the letter again and knew she wouldn’t say anything to him about what had been on her mind, not yet anyway. Perhaps if he got involved with his project on the Beatles he might not have as much time to write to her.

  And then something happened that made Kate realise that at some point, sooner rather than later, she had to get Michael to stop. When she got home she discovered one of her rings was missing. She knew that she’d had it that morning because she remembered slipping it on her finger after putting on her hand cream. She went out and searched the car but there was no sign of it there.

  When she got into work the following day she asked in the office if anyone had handed in a gold ring, which was met with some amusement. Undaunted, she asked her students, explaining that although it wasn’t very expensive it did have sentimental value as her husband had bought it for her one time on holiday. Never missing an opportunity to have fun at her expense, one or two of the men made comments about him being a ‘tight git’ for buying her cheap jewellery. She didn’t mind their jokes but something that did worry her was Mark’s comment. He looked at her and then at Michael, and with a wry smile said, ‘Perhaps you haven’t lost it at all. Perhaps you’ve given it to someone.’

  ‘And why would I do that?’ she asked.

  ‘I don’t know. Maybe you fancy him.’

  ‘And maybe you’ve got an over active imagination,’ Kate told him firmly, aware of the colour rising to her cheeks. She remembered catching Mark looking at the two of them the day before, just after Michael had passed her his envelope, and wondered at the time if he’d seen
anything. She hoped he wouldn’t try to make something out of it, for Michael’s sake rather than her own.

  Friday, and Kate was thankful it was her last morning at work before the weekend. Since staying with her mother, she had come to realise it wasn’t a good idea to leave her on her own for very long. As well as the forgetfulness, she was quite unsteady on her feet and Kate was worried about her using the stairs. Her brother and sisters also worked during the day so they could be of no help but they agreed that sheltered accommodation might be a solution. Mother would have the last word, of course. As Kate approached the prison gates, her mind was anywhere but work. In fact she was already thinking about leaving.

  The first part of the morning went quickly enough. The topic for discussion, was it right to prescribe drugs to young children with behavioural problems, proved very emotive. Surprisingly, given that many prisoners were inside for drug pushing, no one was in favour of dispensing drugs to children.

  Half-way through the lesson, the lads went out of the classroom for their break. Michael brought a plastic bag over and asked if she would look after his ‘canteen’ while he went for a smoke. There was nothing unusual in this so she put it down beside her and continued checking through the handouts for the second part of the lesson. Michael was still hovering around and he seemed a little edgy.

  ‘Did you want something, Michael?’

  ‘Not really . . . except I thought you looked a bit down, that’s all.’

  It wasn’t the first time he’d picked up on her mood. ‘Oh, I’m OK. Just a few things on my mind. Nothing I can’t sort out.’