Her

by Heywood, Carey

  It’s a picture of the three of us playing Uno, must have been freshman year. She’s looking at me with a dreamy, far away expression. I want to shake my former self for not figuring it out sooner. I follow her to the kitchen. Her back is to me, and she has a glass of water in her hand.

  “Sarah.”

  “Please,” she says quietly, her voice breaking.

  I know she wants to be alone, but I just can’t leave her like this. “Can we talk?”

  The slight tremor to her shoulders is the only sign that she’s still crying. I want to wrap my arms around her and make whatever is hurting her go away. I might never know what made her leave, but none of that will even matter if I can just get her to talk to me. A hand settles on my shoulder, and I almost jump out of my skin. I turn, my eyes connecting with Chip’s. He looks at Sarah then back at me before motioning for me to go. I gulp. She needs someone right now, and I want to be that person for her. I hesitate, looking at her again. He cocks his head at me in a silent dare. I guess today is just not the day.

  I slowly walk back into the living room. Brian and Christine ask about her, and I let them know Chip is with her. Brian had gathered a healthy pile of pictures to go along with Christine’s. Rather than stay and scan them there, I take them with me. I need to get out of this house. This may be the first time I’ve ever felt like that.

  The Millers’ house has always felt like a sanctuary for me. I don’t want to be at my house either. Right now, I miss my condo. I drive around and try to clear my head. It isn’t working. This town is a topographical memory lane. Some days, like today, it’s harder to see certain places and not be blindsided by memories. I give up and drive home. Luckily, my mom isn’t in the living room when I walk past. I get to my room and lock the door before I feel some of the tension roll off of me. This week isn’t going how I pictured it would. Somehow, it’s going in the opposite direction I wanted it to. Sarah talked to me more the first day I saw her. I just can’t figure out why she’s upset with me.

  After dinner, I meet Brian for a drink. Christine is stressing over last minute details and tells him to get out of her hair. I envy the fact that they have no problem talking to each other. I miss what Sarah and I once had. It might be crazy to still be hung up on the girl I dated my senior year of high school, but she was so much more than that. She was my best friend. Brian is no help when I ask about her.

  He shakes his glass before taking a long swallow. “She didn’t come out of her room. Uncle Chip talked to her and said to leave her alone.”

  “Were you going to talk to her?” I wipe the condensation off my drink with a bar napkin.

  “I was,” he starts. “She’s my sister. I want to know what’s bugging her.” He looks at me. “Do you still?”

  I nod. I know what he’s asking. Do I still love his baby sister? I’ve never loved anyone else.

  “You two just need to talk.”

  I blink at him. “I’m not fucking stupid. I’ve been trying to talk to her since she got back.”

  He has the decency to look sorry. “She can be stubborn.” He laughs. “When we were little I used to sit on her until she would listen.”

  “I don’t see that working this time.” I wipe the condensation off my glass with my thumb.

  He leans his elbows on the bar and nods. “It’d be funny but…” He just shakes his head.

  I take another drink. “So two days, man. How’s Christine holding up?”

  He looks up at the ceiling. “She’s no—what’s that show? Bridezilla? But she is stressed. I can’t wait until it’s just the two of us.”

  “Why’s she stressing?”

  He just shakes his head. “She wanted this one caterer, which, whatever. It’s cool, right? Only we could have just had the country club cater it but didn’t because she wanted this other place.” He pauses. “I’m not saying I wanted them to cater it. I just think it would have been one less thing to worry about if they did and now the caterer we got is saying there are issues with the space.”

  I nod but only because I have zero opinion about anything he just said.

  He sees it as permission to keep going. “She’s been on the phone with the caterer, on the phone with the club, on the phone with the caterer and the club. Each call, she just gets more stressed and—” He takes another drink. “God love her if I try and help and whatever I do is wrong.”

  I lift my glass and say the only thing that seems fitting at the moment. “Women.”

  Brian chuckles as he bumps my glass with his. “Women.”

  “Well, let her know I got all the pictures scanned and set the background song she wanted to loop. I loaded it on to a flash drive. She said the restaurant runs them off a mini laptop.”

  He pulls out his cell phone and starts sending a text. He looks over at me and shrugs. “Knowing there’s one less thing to worry about will cheer her up.”

  “And you had to tell her right this second?” I ask, gesturing to his phone.

  He hits the send button and grins. “Why make her wait when I know I can make her happy right now.”

  It’s not a question. It’s a statement. Brian and Christine aren’t perfect, but they have it figured out. Whatever they do, they still think about how it will affect each other first. Other than my parents, the only person I have ever done that for is Sarah. I would do anything to make her smile. She was the same way. We had this balance of putting each other first. I’ll never forget how I felt when it all went away.

  When she walks in the room, it’s like someone somewhere pressed a giant mute button. I can’t take my eyes off of her. She’s wearing this clingy, dark grey dress. Her hair is curled, the top part pulled back, and her legs…I could stare at those all night. It’s been years, but I will never be able to deny my attraction to her. Her Uncle Chip walks her over to our table. I see her blush, knowing I’m watching her.

  Brian told me earlier she had a migraine yesterday. “How are you feeling?”

  “Um, better. Thank you.” She won’t look me in the eyes.

  “I just—”

  She gives her head a little shake. “Don’t.”

  I can’t. “Wanted to tell you how beautiful I think you look tonight.”

  She looks down at her hands and spins her ring. It has to mean something that she’s still wearing it, especially here. “Thank you.”

  I wish she would look at me. I ask her what happened the other day. She hesitates and tries to say it was nothing, but we both know that’s bullshit.

  “Sarah—”

  Her eyes move to something or someone behind me. She stands, starts to move past me. “Excuse me.”

  I don’t want to let her escape. I grab her wrist, stopping her. She stares at my hand. I can just barely feel her pulse racing. When neither of us says anything, she finally looks at me. I can’t find the words to fix whatever happened. Her eyes are wide. She has to know how I feel. Why does she seem so scared? When she shakes her head, I drop my hand.

  I’m losing my mind; we’re at the rehearsal dinner. Christine would kick my ass if I made some scene. That doesn’t mean I I’m not going to try and get her to talk to me. I’m just going to try and be a bit more discreet about it. I’m curious why she’s getting up. I turn my head and see she’s heading towards Brian and Christine.

  I grin and stand, catching up to her quickly. Just before she reaches them, I’ve caught her and stand next to her, resting my hand on the small of her back. I hear her let out a small gasp. That’s right. We both know I still affect her. I keep my face neutral.

  I don’t want to piss her off. Sarah talks to Christine while Brian gives me a ‘what the hell’ look. I shrug. I watch powerless as Christine grabs her hand and leads her away to introduce her to people. My hand hesitates midair, pining over the loss of her warmth before I let it fall to my side.

  Brian stands next to me, and we watch them make their way around the room. “Sarah looked uncomfortable. Don’t be pissing off my baby sister right before my wed
ding.”

  I look at him. “I’m not trying to piss her off, but at some point, she’s going to tell me why she left.” I pause and look up at the ceiling. “Whether it pisses her off or not.”

  He gives me a warning look. “Don’t make me regret I invited you.”

  I grin. “Hey, don’t forget who introduced you.”

  He smirks, and we walk back to the table.

  I have every intention of leaving her alone. I do. It’s just that she’s sitting right next to me. I don’t know how to not touch her. I shift in my seat and touch her leg with mine. I must have caught her off guard because she flinches and drops her fork. It clangs loudly against her plate, and everyone at the table looks at her. I unsuccessfully try not to laugh. When she elbows me, it feels like old times.

  I lean towards her, my lips a breath away from my ear. “I knew you would touch me at some point,” I tease.

  When I lean back in my chair, she looks at me. “It was my elbow,” she argues.

  I shrug. I’ll take what I can get. “Still counts.”

  She narrows her eyes. “That does not count.”

  I wet my lips. “It does, and now you’re talking to me too.”

  I’m not trying to make her angry. I’m just trying to get past whatever bullshit she’s putting between us.

  She takes a deep breath. “I don’t understand why you’re doing this.”

  I’m confused. “Doing what?”

  “This.” She practically growls, waving her hand between us.

  I still love her, but man, I may never understand what goes on in her head. “What? Talking to you?”

  She groans, then notices Brian watching us and lowers her voice. “Acting like nothing happened.”

  “I’m not acting like nothing happened.” She’s the one trying to act like we have no history.

  “Then what are you doing?” she snaps.

  I have to lean back while my dinner plate is taken away. “I just want you to talk to me.”

  When she rolls her eyes and tells me she’s talking to me right now, I restrain the urge to put her over my knee. I roll my shoulders before I look into those fiery eyes of hers. “No, you’re not. Sitting there, rolling your eyes. You might be hearing the words I’m saying, but we are not talking.”

  She closes her eyes. “I seriously don’t understand what you’re trying to say.”

  I start to say something but stop when the slideshow starts. I’ve already seen it so I watch her and then Brian and Christine watching it. The love in their eyes, what they have. Can’t she see that should be us? I lean forward to say something but pull back when the server starts setting the dessert plates in front of us.

  I’m not hungry, I watch her eat instead. I wonder if she’s picturing my heart the way she stabs at her cheesecake. I push my plate away. I’ve decided I’m dropping everything for the rest of the night. Then she makes a little moan sound as she eats.

  Fuck this. I lean into her, making her jump. “Sarah, can we talk outside?”

  I don’t know why she agrees, but I start to relax. Finally, I can figure out what the hell made her leave. I stand and watch as she takes a drink of her water before offering her my hand. She refuses it so I motion for her to go first. I put my hand on the small of her back, cursing the material keeping me away from her skin. I direct her to a back door. I’ve been here before. There’s a deck with a path leading off of it closer to the lake. I know there’s a bench down there where we can talk in peace.

  She sits first, and I sit right next to her only for her to move away. I look down at the space between us, trying to figure out why she’s acting like this before looking out over the dark water. I can feel her eyes on me. I’m the one who asked her down here to talk, and now I can’t think of anything to say.

  She breaks the silence for me. “The slideshow was beautiful, Will.”

  My head is telling me to thank her, to kiss her, to do anything but say what I’m about to. “Sarah, why did you leave?”

  She closes her eyes and shakes her head. I turn and cup her cheek with my hand. For the briefest moment, she starts to lean into my hand, and I feel this sense of hope. It’s gone less than a second later when she jerks away from my touch. It happens so fast I blink at my hand before I lower it. It’s warm out, but she shivers and rubs her hands up and down her upper arms. I shrug off my jacket and feel that hope again when she leans forward so I can drape it over her shoulders.

  I open my mouth to ask her again when she stands, walking a few steps closer to the lake. I follow her. I’m about to put my arms around her when she turns to look at me. I don’t know why, but she pulls my jacket off and thrusts it to me with one word on her lips. “Jessica.”

  I’m too floored by what she said to go after her. I stand there, stunned as I watch her go back into the restaurant. What the hell did Jessica have to do with Sarah leaving? It just doesn’t make any sense to me. I walk back to the bench and sit, my jacket now lying across my lap. I can hear muffled sounds of conversation coming from inside, but the beat of the water lapping the posts of the dock down the way are louder.

  The buzz and chirps of nighttime insects are louder than even the water. I’m dazed. That was the last thing I ever expected to come out of her mouth. I glance back towards the party. I just don’t feel up to talking to anyone or acting like I’m fine. I’m not fine.

  I feel like I’m trying to figure out a puzzle that has no solution. I stand, skipping the back door and heading to the side of the building. I run into Chip sneaking a smoke with one of the waitresses. He tries to hold it behind his back so I don’t see. I could care less right now. I try to just nod and make my way past him, but he stops me, cocking his head towards the building so the waitress will get the hint and leave. After she does, he drops his smoke, stepping on it to put it out.

  He points to the butt. “That’s between me and you.”

  I nod, hoping that’s all he wants from me.

  It isn’t. “Where are you off to in such a hurry?”

  I jam my hands in my pockets and focus on a brick on the wall behind him. “Just need to take off. Can you tell—” I hesitate. Who do I want him to tell? “Brian that I’m not feeling great so that’s why I’m leaving?” It’s the truth. I feel like shit.

  He nods. “Is that really why you’re leaving? Or does it have something to do with Sarah?”

  I shrug. He can read whatever he wants to into that. I’ve got too much shit running through my head to care right now. He nods again and doesn’t say anything when I leave this time. I sit in my car for a couple minutes before I turn it on and leave.

  If I knew how to get a hold of Jessica, I’d probably be interrogating her right now. Last I heard, she was working at Crate and Barrel. What just happened is like a loop in my head, Sarah’s face, her expression as she said it. Something happened. I just don’t know what.

  The house is dark when I get home. I’m relieved. I just don’t think I can handle anything else tonight. I even swipe one of my mom’s sleeping pills. Otherwise, I’ll be up all night, and I’m supposed to help Brian over at the church in the morning. It kills me, but the last thing I picture before I pass out is the look in her eyes.

  The next morning, I have breakfast with my mom, reminding her that today’s the wedding so I might just crash at the hotel if it goes late. It’s like talking to a wall. No nod, no grunt. I’m not even sure if she knows I’m here half of the time. I shake it off, but I know she’s getting worse, and by doing nothing, I’m enabling her. I just don’t know what to do. I pity her, and I know pushing her in any direction will be painful for her. She hasn’t been the best mom over the years, but she’s had to deal with more than most.

  As I walk past her, I place my hand over hers and give it a squeeze. I shower and throw on an old t-shirt and some soccer shorts. I have my tux in the car. Brian is waiting for me when I pull up.

  “Feeling better?”

  I nod; I still don’t want to get into it.

&n
bsp; Brian has other plans. He stops me as I go to move past him. “Sarah said something kinda cryptic last night. I just need to know if you ever did anything to hurt her.”

  My mouth drops. “What did she say?”

  He starts pacing in front of me. “She came by the condo to see it last night, and when I’m driving her home, I bring you up and I think I said that this whole thing was hurting you or something like that.” Then he stops to look at me. “So she replies you don’t get to hurt. That sounds like some serious shit to me. What the hell happened between you two?”

  I need to sit down. I lower myself to the stairs, shaking my head. “I have no fucking clue. That’s the whole thing, Brian. She took off without a word, and I still have no fucking clue what happened. I asked her last night and all she would say was Jessica, but I don’t know what that means. Did Jessica do something that Sarah is blaming me for? I don’t get to hurt? Why does she get to decide that? I’ve been hurting for the last seven years. She’s the one that took off, not me.” I get up and start to walk back to my car.

  Brian runs after me. “Come on, man. Don’t go.”

  I turn and face him. I’m pissed. He can tell.

  “Look, man. I believe you. I don’t know what Sarah thinks happened, but I need you standing next to me today. So what do you need? Want a shot? Need a cigarette? What?”

  I rub my hand across my face. “I have no fucking clue.”

  He grins, trying to hold back a laugh. “I’ve heard flower arranging can be calming.”

  I didn’t. “Did you so say flower arranging?”

  He snorts, and damn it, I smile.

  He puts his arms around my shoulder and turns us both to face the church. “I’ve got a shitload of floral sprays in the trunk of my car that somehow need to make it into the ring at the end of every pew. I sure as shit am not doing them all by myself.”

  I bite down on the side of my mouth while I think it over, absentmindedly rubbing my tongue across it and the back of my teeth before I answer him. “Wanna race?”