Crushing on You

by Jen Trinh

  My dream? I guess I really liked sharing what I loved with people. There was no better feeling than loving something, being proud of it, and having people discover that they loved it too. Each and every day, I got to spark joy in people and experience that feeling of wonder and appreciation over and over again.

  It made me think of Anna, and of the joy she derived from discovering and sharing new music. I understood a little bit more about her decisions, about the tradeoffs she’d made in pursuing a career in music journalism. Reading her posts and listening to her playlists after going through my own career transition...her passion came through more than ever. Her writing had objectively gotten better, too, to the point where I’d felt compelled to send a link to her blog to one of the biggest music news sites out there. They’d thanked me for the tip, but I hadn’t heard anything from them after that.

  I was genuinely happy that she seemed to be doing so well. I never asked about her, but Cassie gave me occasional updates about her anyway. For example, they’d gone climbing together in the Dacks, along with Lina, and Anna had been brave enough to try leading a 5.6 face-climb. The last time I’d climbed with her, she’d still been too scared to jump down from the top of the bouldering wall! I was glad to hear that she was well on her way to becoming a total crusher.

  Cassie also told me that Anna had found her own little place in Jackson Heights. The way she described it made it sound like a closet, but it was her closet. She’d finally made it on her own, after all.

  Cassie never mentioned anything about Anna’s love life, though. I guess she thought that I didn’t want to know about it.

  She was right.

  ◆◆◆

  “I’ll take two Baba specials, please, dark chocolate and lychee!”

  “You know I appreciate your business, but you’re going to get diabetes if you keep supporting me this much,” I told Cassie as I handed her two dark chocolate jiandui and two lychee ice creams.

  “Worth it!” She dipped a jiandui into the ice cream and took a bite, then closed her eyes, licking and smacking her lips. “Ah! So good.”

  I shook my head and took the next person’s order. But Cassie didn’t leave, merely stepped to the side of the window.

  “What’s up, Cass?” I asked as I handed the next customer their coconut jiandui.

  “You’re a big fan of The Llama People, right?”

  I glanced over at her. “Yeah? So?” After I’d started listening to Anna’s playlists more, I’d actually become a pretty big fan. Drops of Thistle Milk was one of my favorite songs.

  “They’re going to be in town tomorrow! And I bought two tickets because I was going to go with Michael, but he had a work thing come up.” She took another bite of her jiandui. “Want to come with me?”

  “Really? What time and where? I don’t get done till 9pm.”

  “That’s totally fine. I’ll text you the details and transfer the ticket to you. Yay!” She carefully balanced the desserts in her hands, then walked back into the building. “See you tomorrow!”

  I smiled, excited. In many ways, the food truck business was fun, but usually it was tedious and boring, and I’d been working a lot recently. I looked forward to going out and letting loose to some awesome music.

  I considered texting Anna about it, for old times sake, but decided against it. There was no reason to message her—nothing would come of it.

  Besides, I was going to the show for me. Not for her.

  ◆◆◆

  After closing up the truck, I drove home and took a quick shower—standing in the truck all day near a vat of oil usually didn’t leave me smelling the freshest. Then I dressed quickly and ordered a rideshare to the venue. It wasn’t too far from my home, but I wasn’t sure how trashed Cassie planned to get that evening, and I wanted to be able to keep up.

  When I arrived, there was no one waiting in line. It was already almost 11, but as headliner, The Llama People wouldn’t be on until at least midnight. Cassie had texted me earlier, telling me to just go inside, so I handed over my ticket to the attendant, stepped inside, and looked around. The venue appeared to be a large gallery, with two stages on either end, connected by a bright, art-lined corridor. Two very different openers played at each stage, the dissonant sounds reverberating down the hall to clash in the middle, breaking out into an open-air area on the side where vendors were selling food and merch.

  Though there hadn’t been a line, there were quite a few people already dancing or milling about inside. I glanced around the first stage area and didn’t see her, so I walked through the art corridor, stopping periodically to examine the paintings on either side. There were Pollock-esque paintings with complex swirls and splatters, optical illusions that played with color and perception, and psychedelic portraits of animals and naked women on mountaintops or in trees. I stopped to look at one of these latter paintings, a closeup of a blonde woman’s face. Where her eyes would normally be were golden slits of light. Only the third eye on her forehead had a brilliant blue iris and deep black pupil.

  “That one kinda looks like Cassie.”

  “D’you think—” I paused, recognizing the voice. I turned around to find a woman standing behind me.

  “Anna?” She looked...different. Her hair was now a natural black, and shoulder length, much shorter than before. She’d replaced her sapphire nose stud with a thin rose-gold nose ring, and her skin was a gorgeous tan instead of her previous creamy white. She wore a simple black shift dress with thin straps that displayed her now-muscular shoulders to full-effect, and black combat boots. There was something else different though, and I couldn’t quite put my finger on it. Whatever it was, it was definitely a good thing.

  She smiled and came in for a hug. “Hey, Ian.”

  I stood stunned while she leaned in and wrapped her arms around my waist. I quickly unfroze and pulled her close, burying my nose in her hair and fighting the urge to inhale deeply. “Are you here for The Llama People?” Did Cassie arrange this?

  She pulled away, and I reluctantly let her go. “Yeah, I am. I’m writing a piece about them for Moonslick Mirror.”

  “Hey, congrats! I’m glad they reached out to you.”

  She cocked her head, puzzled (and cute). “How’d you know they reached out to me?”

  I smirked. “It was only a matter of time before they did.”

  She narrowed her eyes and crossed her arms. “Did you…?”

  I dropped the smirk and raised my eyebrows. “Hmm?”

  After a quick scan of my face, she shook her head, then said, “Nevermind. How’ve things been for you?”

  Heh, fooled her. “They’re actually pretty good. I opened a food truck.”

  “Yeah, I visited the Stumpstash office today for lunch and Cassie got a chocolate jiandui and some lychee ice cream for me. Your balls are so delicious!” So Cassie hadn’t been looking to get diabetes after all.

  “Thanks. I’m glad you licked it. Liked it.”

  She laughed and winked at me. “I did lick it.”

  Whoa. She was flirting with me. Blatantly.

  So that was what was different. The way she carried herself, her playfulness...she was more confident. She wasn’t even touching me, but the realization brought me to half-mast. I willed it to go away, not wanting to lower myself in the eyes of this new, intimidating, Anna.

  Overwhelmed with the need to touch her, I poked her shoulder. “I see that you’ve been climbing a lot.”

  She nodded, then poked my abs and said, “I see that you’ve been eating a lot.”

  I put a hand to my stomach. “Hey, I still have day-old challah in there. It’s just a little fluffier now.” She laughed, and I warmed at the familiar, vibrant sound. The beautiful twinkle in her eyes.

  “Have you been here long? Is Cassie here?” I asked. We both turned to look down and around the corridor.

  “You know, she said she was coming but I haven’t seen her yet.” She met my eyes. “We might’ve just been Cassied.”

&nbs
p; I chuckled and shook my head. Classic Cassie. “That’s a good way to put it.”

  “Do you want to walk around and look at more of the art? Or maybe get a drink?” she asked.

  “A drink sounds good. It’s been a long day, and it’d be good to be served by someone else for a change.” We walked towards the bar across from the far stage.

  “How do you like the food truck business?” she asked.

  “I actually like it a lot more than I thought I would. I get creative license over what I make. I meet and serve customers of different ages and backgrounds and get to see their joy and satisfaction with my product as they eat it.” I chuckled. “It’s very different from software engineering.”

  She regarded me curiously. “Are you glad you made the switch?”

  “Yeah, I am. It’s hard work, but I really like being able to share something that I’m proud of with other people.” I glanced sideways at her. “Maybe it’s a little bit like what you’ve been trying to do with music writing. Wanting to share your joy with others, doing it in a way that’s creative and fun.”

  She smiled to herself and nodded. “Yeah, I think so, too.”

  We arrived at the bar and I ordered a whiskey-ginger. Anna asked for the same.

  “So what about you? How are things in New York?”

  “They’re great, actually. Stumpstash is still fun. I’ve got my own place. And Lina’s now my climbing partner.”

  “Yeah, I heard that you guys went to the Adirondacks together with Cassie. How was that?”

  “It was...thrilling. Terrifying. Inspiring. I’m so glad that Cassie invited me and Lina. We’re going to go on a climbing trip together every year from now on.”

  “That’s great! You’ve really gotten into it.”

  She smiled at me and tapped me on the chest. “Thanks to you!”

  I shrugged, grinning. “You can lead a girl to a wall, but you can’t make her lead a climb.”

  She chuckled and playfully slapped my arm. “You totally made me top rope that first time, though.”

  I guess I had. “Well—”

  “$20.” The bartender placed our drinks in front of us.

  “I’ve got it,” said Anna, reaching for her wallet.

  “Nope, I’ve got it. You’re a guest.” I pulled out my credit card and handed it to the bartender.

  She smiled, uncharacteristically chill about letting me pay. She picked up the glass and raised it towards me before taking a sip. “Thanks, babe.”

  Babe? It was a simple, friendly endearment, but my penis twitched again at her confident delivery. I carefully leaned into the bar and slowly signed the credit card slip.

  We picked up our drinks and walked back towards the art corridor to keep talking. “So then it sounds like things are really looking up for you. I’m really excited that you’re writing for Moonslick Mirror, too.”

  “You know, it was definitely surprising to me that they just kinda reached out.” She narrowed her eyes at me. “I get the feeling that someone might’ve told them about me.”

  I looked up at the rafters, whistling tunelessly. She slapped my arm and exclaimed, “I knew it!”

  I chuckled. “I was just speeding things up.”

  She stopped walking, turned, and met my eyes. “I really appreciate it, Ian. I appreciate... everything you’ve done for me.”

  I shrugged. “I just emailed them. You’re the one who did all of the hard work and wrote such amazing pieces.”

  She shook her head and looked down at her drink. “I mean, more than that...back when we were together. I...you were good to me.”

  I lifted her chin until we locked eyes once more, then apologized the way I should have, months ago. “No, I was the biggest jerk to you, a complete asshole. You shared so much with me and I...I used it against you. I’m so sorry.”

  She lifted her hand as if to cup my face, but casually dropped it to my shoulder instead. “That’s—I know you were just angry because I was being immature. I said some terrible things, too. You obviously have your own dreams and desires, just like I do. And I’m sure your family must be great, to have produced someone like you.”

  “I mean, my family is pretty great. But that doesn’t excuse the things I said to you. You’re...you deserve better.”

  Her eyes were wide, earnest and searching...her pink glossy lips only inches away.

  If only she hadn’t left my apartment. If only my dad hadn’t passed away. If only I hadn’t moved. If only...

  But she was there before me, in the flesh. In the moment.

  I let out a slow, shaky breath, whispering her name and tracing her lips with my thumb. Her eyelids gradually lowered as I brought my face closer to hers.

  Then the crowd erupted, and people began streaming towards the bigger stage, jostling us in their haste.

  The Llama People had begun their set.

  I slowly straightened and dropped my hand, taking a step away and shooting her a friendly smile. “Let’s go get a good spot.”

  She glanced at me sideways, but didn’t say anything, just took the hand I offered and followed me into the crowd.

  I didn’t want to push my luck with Anna. It was clear that we’d both changed over the months, both grown humbler and more mature. More into ourselves.

  It was great that we were here, together, and on good terms again. For now, that was enough.

  Chapter 25

  -Anna-

  My heart was pounding. Why hadn’t he kissed me? I nearly stood up on my toes to finish the job, but he’d taken my hand and pulled me into the huge crowd of people. An exquisite, comforting warmth blossomed in my chest at the familiar feel of his rough, callused hand, fingers interlaced with mine. I held on tight and refused to let go, even as we slipped between tightly-packed clusters of people, until we finally stopped just a few feet in front of the stage.

  The Llama People opened their set with a fast-paced song (We Come in Fleece) and people were jumping up and down and side-to-side to the beat. We joined in with everyone else, joyfully bouncing, waving our arms and shaking our hips. The Llama People were masterful performers, and their live shows were always incredible. Letting loose and dancing my cares away to their music never failed to rejuvenate me.

  They always started out with their most upbeat songs to get your heart racing, to trick you—maybe your heart is beating so fast from love, or lust, or joy. Maybe anger. All you know is that your blood is pumping, your lungs are pulling in air, and you’re more than a little alive.

  And once you’ve broken a sweat, worked up a lather, they bring it down a notch. You’ve been launched into the air like a feather, but your descent back to earth is gradual, easy sailing, whimsical. A slow, satisfying exhale.

  And when you finally touch the earth again, you settle into the ground...and sensations awaken, the caress of grass and soft dirt against your skin, the beautiful brush of existence. You are where you belong.

  My body hummed with energy, infused by the band and the excitement of the crowd. I inhaled the ambient marijuana smoke, then breathed out fully and slowly, willing all conscious thoughts to leave my mind. And I danced, and I moved, only occasionally aware of Ian next to me when we brushed against each other. Mostly, I ignored him, and he thankfully left me alone. It was good to see him again, but I’d come to the show for me, not for him.

  I closed my eyes and experienced the show to the fullest.

  But when the music finally began to slow, I glanced over at Ian...and was surprised. He was losing himself as much as I was. He wasn’t staring at me or looking bored, like I was afraid of, and he hadn’t tried to get my attention or break my flow. His eyes were focused on the band, and he was smiling and dancing with feeling.

  He was there for himself, too.

  I placed my hand on his arm and smiled warmly at him. He grinned back, his expression one of pure, unadulterated joy. A perfect reflection of my own.

  He’d found passion. And I’d found strength. We’d completed ourselves, and
in some ways, each other.

  Here was someone who could understand me, support me and push me, and whom I could support and push in return. Someone who could be part of the family that I’d only just begun to form.

  Maybe there was a chance for us after all.

  My heart soared with gladness, lightened by all of these thoughts...

  ...and then it dove headlong, straight into lust.

  I wanted, needed the resonance between us to go deeper.

  The song slowed. An electronic piano began to play, sensual and shimmering, and a gut-deep bassline threaded through the chords. Bodies paired off and swaying couples emerged from among the crowd. I met Ian’s eyes and watched his eyelids slowly lower as I positioned myself in front of him.

  And instead of dancing for myself, I danced for him.

  I swayed my hips from side to side, then threw him a sultry look over my shoulder, pushing my hair over the other shoulder to expose my back and neck. I raised my arms above my head like twin serpents, then slid my hands back down my chest, past the curves of my breasts, until they rested on my thighs. Keeping my knees bent, I twirled my hips in little circles, forming one bigger circle, inviting him to touch me. After a long moment, he accepted the invitation and melded his body to mine, following my ass with his hips, pressing tight against me. I could feel him growing hard, and my body vibrated at the contact. I slipped my hands up behind his neck and into his hair, holding him close as he slid his hands down my thighs until he reached my bare legs, then back up to cup my breasts. Breathing shallow, I shivered with pleasure, wanting so much more.

  I turned my head up to meet his eyes. “Bathroom time?”

  He laughed, louder and with more mirth than I’d ever heard him laugh before. Then he kissed me, oh so deeply, squeezing one breast with his hand and pinching my nipple through my dress, trailing his other hand down, down, then up to stroke my wetness with a finger. Oh! I broke away and took his hand, conscious of many eyes upon us, then pulled him through the crowd.