Can You Say Catastrophe?

by Laurie Friedman

  “How could you kiss Matt Parker? You barely know him! What about Billy? How do you think Billy will feel after he kissed you, then you kissed Matt? Did you consider Billy’s feelings?” I tried to explain to Brynn that I hadn’t planned to kiss Billy or Matt, and that I had been on my way to try and find out what Billy’s feelings were when Matt stopped me, showed me some pictures, and kissed me. But Brynn didn’t want to hear any of my explanations.

  She wanted to know if I’d thought about her feelings. She asked if I’d stopped for one second and thought about how it makes her feel that we’re best friends and I’ve kissed two people before she’s even kissed one. Then she asked what kind of friend it makes me that I would do that!

  Brynn was making me feel like I should apologize for kissing two people who both technically kissed me. I tried to tell her I hadn’t done anything to her, but Brynn was not in the mood to listen.

  “You know, you’re not my only best friend,” she said. “Billy is my best friend too. And if he kissed any other girl and I found out she kissed another boy after he kissed her, I would tell him.”

  I froze. Sometimes I think being an only child, Brynn forgets the rules of sisterhood. I reminded her that she’s like a sister to me and that when sisters tell each other their deepest secrets, they aren’t supposed to share them with ANYBODY! Then I made Brynn promise she would never tell Billy that Matt and I kissed.

  Brynn promised, but honestly, I wasn’t convinced it was a promise she was going to keep. “Billy is probably thinking that the two of you are going to be boyfriend and girlfriend, which means you would have a boyfriend at camp,” Brynn said. “Having a boyfriend at camp would be so much fun!” She asked me if I’d thought about that and said that if I had, she didn’t see how I could have kissed Matt.

  Then, Brynn said something I can’t get out of my head. “I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but Billy is the cutest guy in our grade and any girl would want him as her boyfriend.”

  She looked at me like it was my turn to say something. But I didn’t know what to say. Part of me was thinking that Billy is cute and funny and sweet and smart, and having a boyfriend at camp would be fun. But another part of my brain, a big part, wasn’t thinking about Billy. It was thinking about Brynn, and how she said that any girl in our grade would want Billy as a boyfriend, because what it made me think is:

  Would Brynn?

  5:15 P.M.

  In my room

  The rest of the school day was a disaster. Billy didn’t speak to me, and Brynn could only talk about how I could have kissed Matt. When I told her I didn’t want to talk about it anymore, she just rolled her eyes and shook her head like it would be hard to talk about anything else. The one person who did talk to me was Matt. When I passed him in the hall by the math classrooms, he stopped and made a joke about how certain things add up. But I freaked when I saw him and totally didn’t get what he was saying, so all I did was ask if he’d made a bad grade on a test. He just shook his head and walked off.

  OMG! What’s wrong with me? I have to show Matt Parker I can be normal.

  5:45 P.M.

  In my backyard

  Mom just left to go to the diner. She said she has to go help Dad with something and she left me in charge of May and June. Since I’m the one in charge, I just told my little sisters to walk to Winn-Dixie to buy stuff to make s’mores. While they’re gone, I’m going to drag out our fire pit and make a fire in it.

  My plan is simple. My sisters will be gone long enough for me to get the fire started in the little part of my driveway that curves around behind the house, which you can’t see from the street, but you can see from Matt’s house. When Matt sees what I’m doing, he’ll think it’s cool and come over and hang out with me by the fire. Maybe he’ll say something sweet about how girls in California never do cool things like make fires in their driveways. Can they even have driveway fires in California? Who knows? Who cares? Momentarily, Matt Parker and I will be snuggled up by the light of the fire.

  Sometimes my sisters actually come in handy. If Mom hadn’t asked me to babysit, I’d still be thinking about how I always say and do the stupidest things when Matt’s around. But now I’m thinking about my genius plan.

  6:02 P.M.

  Fireside

  It’s a good thing I went to camp all those years. Otherwise I would have no clue what I’m doing. My fire is glowing nicely. All I have to do is wait.

  6:12 P.M.

  Still waiting

  I look at my watch. I try to visualize sitting next to Matt at my driveway fire. I read in a magazine that the way to make things happen is to visualize them.

  But the thing my brain keeps visualizing is sitting around a fire at camp next to Brynn and Billy. I’ve sat with them at dozens of campfires. I try to push all thoughts of them out of my head. I want to think about sitting next to Matt. It will be fun and cozy. Then, when my sisters are back, I’ll get to eat s’mores, my all-time favorite food.

  Matt Parker + s’mores = my definition of a perfect day. I’m just getting a little sick of waiting for perfection to begin.

  6:42 P.M.

  In my room

  Where I will be for a long time

  By choice

  My parents are furious with me. I am more furious with them.

  Obviously, some people do not know genius when they see it. My mother is one of those people. My father is another. While I was sitting around the fire, waiting for Matt Parker to come over, my parents pulled into the driveway. I have never seen parents look the way my parents looked. They were crazy-eyed, foaming at the mouth, rabid mad. I hope I never see anyone look like that ever again.

  As they got out of the car, Mom was clutching May and June and a Winn-Dixie bag like they were precious little things (which, clearly, they are not, especially my sisters).

  Dad slammed the driver’s-side door so hard the car was shaking. No kidding. When Dad saw the fire in the fire pit, he ran and grabbed the hose and sprayed the fire like he was putting out a wildfire.

  Then he started yelling. My dad yelled so loud I’m sure anyone within a ten-mile radius (including Matt Parker) could hear.

  He yelled for so long, I started to think I might be spending the rest of my teenage years in the driveway, with my dad yelling and my mother clutching my sisters and a shopping bag.

  Here’s the short version of what Dad had to say:

  Could I imagine how it felt when my parents got a phone call at the diner that someone had found their two young daughters wandering the streets of Faraway? Two young girls, who I was supposed to be taking care of, were alone on a busy street. It was my job to protect them and keep them safe, and then what do my parents find when they come home? A fire in the driveway! My actions are grossly irresponsible!

  Then Mom chimed in. Her face was all red and puffy. She honestly looked like she was having an allergic reaction. “April, your sisters could have been lost or hurt or even worse. You’re going to be punished!”

  But a) none of those things happened, and b) why am I going to be punished for not “taking care” of children who aren’t even my children? I didn’t have those children. I would never have had those children. God help me if I ever have children who turn out anything like my sisters.

  I could sum this up in one word: OVERREACTION! My parents should be embarrassed.

  I’m supposed to be in my room thinking of a punishment that fits the crime. But I don’t think I’m the one who deserves to be punished.

  7:13 P.M.

  Let the punishment fit the crime

  I have thought of a punishment that fits the crime, and it’s perfect.

  The crime: My parents yelled at me, in public, with no regard for my feelings.

  The punishment: I’m boycotting my parents. I won’t look at them or talk to them. When they talk to me, I won’t answer. When I want or need something, I will no longer use terms of endearment like Mom and Dad. From now on, I’m calling them Flora and Rex (but only when I want
or need something). This punishment extends to any and all spawn of Flora and Rex Sinclair. Which means, in addition to boycotting my parents, I’m also boycotting my sisters. This punishment is to be enacted immediately and will cover the period of time from now until June 15, when I leave for camp. When I return home from camp four weeks later, I will consider revoking the punishment if, and only if, my parents and my sisters can treat me with the love and respect I deserve.

  Hallelujah. I really am a genius.

  10:14 P.M.

  When my parents came in to tell me goodnight, my light was already off. I was waiting. I knew they’d come knocking. But I’m not talking. Not to them.

  When Dad bent down and gave me a kiss on my forehead, I let out a loud pretend snore. Only thirty days till camp. I seriously can’t wait.

  Life is divided into the horrible and the miserable.

  —Woody Allen

  Monday, May 20, 9:33 P.M.

  Official worst day of my life

  Why is this day different from all other days?

  On all other days, I have something to look forward to. I have a reason to live.

  But on this day, I do not. On this day, all my hopes and dreams and any excitement I had about life were squashed like a bug, because on this day my parents told me I’M NOT GOING TO CAMP! THEY HAVE MADE ALTERNATE SUMMER PLANS FOR ME! THE WORST PLANS I HAVE EVER HEARD OF!

  I’m so upset I can hardly write. My tears are falling onto the page. My nose is red and puffy and more misshapen than ever. I’m not sure what cardiac arrest feels like, but I’m pretty sure I’m experiencing it. I want to curl up in a ball and die. I know that sounds dramatic but I don’t care. The worst part is that I had no idea I was going to feel this way when I woke up this morning.

  When I woke up, it seemed like today was going to be a great day.

  When I went into the kitchen for breakfast, I didn’t speak to anybody in my family. That’s what I’ve been doing for four days now, and it has been going so well.

  At school, I took two of my end-of-the-year exams, which I was totally prepared for. I’d had plenty of time over the weekend to study since I wasn’t speaking to anyone in my family and neither of my best friends was saying much to me. My problems started when I walked into the house after school.

  The minute I got home, I knew something was wrong. Mom and Dad were both sitting at the kitchen table. Mom hardly ever sits down unless she’s sewing something, and there was no sewing machine in sight. And Dad is never at home in the middle of the afternoon. When I walked in, they had serious looks on their faces.

  Dad asked me to please sit.

  Since I’m not speaking to them, I didn’t tell them sitting wasn’t what I wanted to do. I handled it the way I’ve handled all direct requests from any of my family members since Thursday. I wrote my response, which was “No thank you,” on a note card and held it up so they could see I wasn’t planning to sit.

  But that’s when Dad pointed to a chair and told me to sit. He said it like he was talking to his dog, not his daughter. I knew I’d better sit, even though I didn’t want to.

  “April, Mom and I are very upset with your behavior and attitude lately.” Dad started talking about how he and Mom don’t like the way I’ve been acting since my birthday party.

  Since I’m not talking to them, I didn’t tell them I don’t like the way they’ve been acting since my birthday party either.

  I thought Dad would be done after that, but he kept going. “Your mother and I see a negative pattern of behavior developing.” He talked about how I made everyone late for Gaga’s birthday dinner, and how I barely spoke to anyone the whole time I was there.

  Since I’m not speaking to my parents, I didn’t say that I didn’t particularly want to talk to anyone at Gaga’s birthday dinner and that I happened to have a whole lot of other things on my mind that night.

  I rolled my eyes and looked at the kitchen clock like I had somewhere more important to be. I really thought Dad would take the hint and wrap it up at this point, but he kept going.

  “The way you have been acting lately toward other members of this family is unacceptable.” Dad brought up that I’ve been rude to him and mom and that I yell at my sisters.

  If I had been speaking, what I would have told Dad is that I’m rude to him and mom because they say annoying things and make me do stuff I don’t want to do and that I yell at my sisters because they do all kinds of things they shouldn’t do to me, including but not limited to taking my stuff, sneaking into my room, and using my phone for what could easily be classified as child pornography.

  He went on about how I “irresponsibly” sent them off to buy groceries and made a fire in the driveway. If you ask me, what Dad should have been doing was thanking me for babysitting them in the first place.

  I REALLY thought Dad should be done at this point, but he was still going strong.

  He talked about how I haven’t spoken to anyone in this family for days. How it’s “completely unacceptable.” He said I seem disconnected from this family and that’s not good for anyone, particularly me.

  I didn’t think I should have to explain to Dad that being disconnected from this family is great for me and that I’ve never been happier. I just sat there with my arms crossed, looking at my parents. I couldn’t imagine that there was anything else Dad could possibly say. If I’d had another note card on me, I would have written, “Are we done yet?”

  But I didn’t have a note card. And it wouldn’t have mattered anyway.

  Dad was SO not done.

  That’s when he looked at Mom, and Mom looked at him, and they did this weird nod like it was time. Then Dad looked at me and said the six words that ruined my life. “April, you’re not going to camp.”

  After that, everything was a blur. Dad said all this stuff about how I need to re-bond (which I don’t even think is a word) with him and Mom and my sisters. He said that with every right comes responsibility, and as a member of this family, it is my responsibility to conduct myself in an “appropriate manner.” He said that it will also be my responsibility to babysit my sisters this summer when school is out. Then he said that he and mom bought an RV and that we’re taking a two-week family vacation in it to Florida as part of the re-bonding process.

  When I heard all this, I ended my boycott. “ARE YOU SERIOUS?!” I screamed. I’ve never been so mad in my life. I told them it’s unfair to blame me for having bad behavior when the problems start with everyone else. I told them that I am just reacting to how horribly they are all acting. I told them that I am a teenager now and they need to start treating me like one. I told them that they can’t just give me responsibilities when I have ABSOLUTELY NO RIGHTS AT ALL!

  But no matter what I said, my parents wouldn’t change their minds.

  I even reminded Dad (who shouldn’t have needed reminding) that he just opened a new restaurant. “Can you really afford to leave the diner for two whole weeks?” I asked. I thought I was making a very smart business point and that Dad would see the logic in that and change his mind, but all he did was ramble on about family priorities and his highly capable assistant manager.

  Then he told me the conversation was over and camp was out. He’d already called the director. I was staying home.

  In my thirteen years of life, this was categorically the worst moment ever. I started begging. I literally got down on my knees and begged my parents to let me go to camp. I begged and I cried and I told them my heart would break in two if my friends left for camp without me.

  But my parents didn’t care. They just sat there like nothing I could say or do would make them change their minds.

  So I told my parents if they didn’t let me go to camp, I would run away from home.

  Dad said if I wanted to do that, he would give me a thousand dollars, but if I took the money I could never come back. It was the most insane, stupid, heartless thing I could imagine a parent saying to a kid. I’m going to remember it forever and never say anything
like that to my own kids. I’m seriously scarred for life.

  Now I’m in my room, where I’ve been since I had this miserable talk with my parents. I haven’t stopped crying. I haven’t had anything to eat or drink since lunch. The only person who has even come to check on me is May, who said she just wanted to know if I’m going to stay or take the thousand dollars and leave. She asked if she could have my room if I go.

  I hate my life. I really do.

  I have nothing more to say.

  There is nothing more to say.

  I’ve developed a new philosophy: I only dread one day at a time.

  —Charlie Brown

  Tuesday, May 21

  Depressed

  I’m depressed. I told Brynn my parents won’t let me go to camp.

  I thought it would make me feel better to tell her, but it made me feel worse. Brynn just kept saying how it’s the most unbelievable thing she’d ever heard, and she’d kill her parents if they did something like that to her. She said she can’t imagine what it will be like to be at camp with Billy and without me. That was not what I was hoping she’d say.

  I can’t even write. I’m too depressed.

  Wednesday, May 22

  More depressed

  I’m even more depressed today than I was yesterday.

  Billy and I finally talked today. That sounds like a good thing, but it wasn’t. Billy talked to me because Brynn told him I told her that my parents won’t let me go to camp. He said it was too bad, but I didn’t know if he meant it’s too bad for me that I don’t get to go or that it’s too bad for him because he wishes I were going. So I asked him, and that’s when our talk turned into a fight. Our first big fight ever.

  Billy didn’t want to talk about camp—he wanted to talk about kissing. He asked me if I told Brynn he kissed me.

  I didn’t want to lie, and it seemed like he knew the answer anyway.

  When I told him I had, he said all kinds of stuff about how he couldn’t believe I would tell Brynn and that he thought I should know that he wouldn’t want me to, and how he trusted me not to tell anyone, but that was a mistake.