Beautifully Unbroken

by D. M. Brittle

  I hurried to the bathroom, this time locking the door behind me. I rushed over to the sink, turned the taps on full, and splashed the water against my face. I began to sweat. I was shaking as my heart pounded hard against my chest. I was about to experience my first panic attack since arriving in New York. My breathing become shallower with each breath; each gasp was a struggle to control. Forcing myself to focus in the mirror, I repeated to myself, “Stop it, stop this now, calm down. Come on, Jo, calm down, breathe … Just breathe …” I finally managed to calm myself. My breathing returned to normal, and my heartbeat finally steadied.

  “Just breathe,” I whispered one last time before deciding to head back to the table.

  I opened the door to find Blake leaning against the wall opposite. He was waiting for me.

  “Blake, you startled me,” I gasped.

  He pushed away from the wall. “Can we talk?” he pleaded as he closed the distance between us.

  I looked up at him. He was standing so close that it was hard to concentrate on anything other than Blake.

  “There’s nothing to say, Blake,” I said quietly. I took a step forward, trying to walk away from him, but before I could get past, he took my wrist in his hand and turned me back to face him.

  “Don’t, Blake, please. Just let go.”

  “I’m sorry,” he said, his voice laced with hurt. “You have no idea just how sorry I am and how much I wish I could go back and change everything that happened that night, to rewrite it all. Please, Jo, just give me two minutes; that’s all I ask for, and then you are free to just walk away – for good if that is what you want. I just need two minutes, please,” he pleaded.

  Part of me wanted to pull my arm from his grip and walk away, yet the other part of me kept my feet planted flat to the floor, unable to move.

  “What is there to say?” I choked out. “You have been sleeping with Sara, Blake; what could you possibly have to say that would make it worth listening?”

  “It was only once, Jo, I swear.”

  “Is that supposed to make me feel better?”

  We stood in silence, looking into each other’s eyes, searching for … what? I just didn’t know. But it was impossible for me to walk away from him. His fingers loosened the grip on my wrist. Instead they moved down and knitted with my fingers. A spark of electricity shot through my body; every single limb tingled with want.

  “I can tell that you feel that too. Tell me you don’t feel that and I’ll walk away myself right now.” His voice was barely audible, but I could tell he too was choking back his emotions.

  It was hard to say no to him. My body yearned for him, and as much as I wanted to walk away and not look back, I couldn’t do it.

  “Two minutes,” I whispered.

  Blake breathed a sigh of relief; quickly he shot a glance over my shoulder before leading us back into the bathroom that I had just exited, locking the door behind us.

  I stepped into the bathroom placing distance between us immediately. If I became too close, I wouldn’t be able to be as strong as I needed to be.

  “I’ve missed you, Jo; I’ve missed you so much,” he said.

  “You slept with Sara the moment my back was turned,” I choked out. “Why?”

  “I was drunk. It didn’t mean anything, Jo, I swear. She means nothing to me, nothing at all.”

  “How can you say that?” I asked, disgusted. “Is it really that easy for a man to just jump into bed with someone that actually means nothing to them? You’re all the same. I actually thought that you were different, but no, you are no different to any of the idiots I have dated in the past. I’m actually thankful that I found out now, before I too made the mistake of jumping into bed with you only to get tossed aside when you felt like you had had enough.”

  “It wasn’t like that, Jo,” he replied sadly. “That’s not how I feel about you, and you know that.”

  “Then why did you sleep with her!” I yelled.

  “Because I saw you leave the party with Cooper!” he yelled back before calming his breathing with a few deep breaths. “I was coming back to find you. You had been all I could think about for days, and after I had spoken to you, I knew that you felt the same way as I did. I wanted to come find you and take you away somewhere, just the two of us, especially because I knew, I knew that you felt the same way as I did. Then I saw Cooper with his arms around you, and before I could even register what was happening, you were gone. It hurt, Jo; it really, really hurt.” He clutched his chest. “I thought that after everything you had said to me, I was the one being used.”

  “Yeah, well, you imagine how that felt,” I said, moving closer to him. “You imagine that feeling that you had right there” – I poked my finger into his chest – “and you imagine that that’s exactly how I feel now, only a million times worse! I thought I could trust you. I sat at my dying dad’s bedside and told my mum that I had fallen for you! And all along, you were sleeping with someone else!”

  “I’m sorry!” he yelled. “Please, tell me what I can do to make it better. Please, Jo, I want you; nothing has changed.”

  “Everything changed the night you got into bed with Sara Blake,” I said quietly.

  Blake reached for my face and wiped my tears away with his thumb. “I hate that I did this to you. I hate myself so fucking much for making you feel like this, but I am not the person that you think I am, Jo; I’m not. I am petrified, do you know that? Scared to death at how I feel about you. I have never wanted a relationship with anyone. There hasn’t been one single person that I have wanted to share my life with, until I met you,” Blake moved his body until it was flush with mine, his hands remained on my face, “I felt it you know; when we were filming and we would kiss? I knew that you weren’t acting, and neither was I, I had wanted to say something so many times but I could see that for some reason you were guarding yourself from me, why? I don’t know, but now, I wish I had just told you because now I hate myself for messing up any chance that we ever had of being happy together.”

  “I want to hate you,” I whispered. “I really want to hate you Blake, but I …”

  Blake slowly leaned forward and brushed his lips against mine. “Tell me to stop, Jo,” he said against my mouth. “Tell me to stop, and I will.” His lips brushed mine again. This time I opened my mouth slightly and gave him better access. His hands cupped my face gently as his lips brushed so slowly against mine over and over again.

  “I’ve missed you,” he whispered against my lips between kisses. “I’m so sorry,” he said over and over.

  “Stop,” I said almost silently. I couldn’t let him do this to me. “Just stop. Please.” Blake pulled away slightly as his eyes searched mine. “I can’t do this.”

  “It’s okay,” he whispered before leaning in for another kiss.

  “No. No, Blake, it’s not okay. Every time I look at you, I see her. I see you and her in bed together. I know we weren’t exclusive and it shouldn’t bother me, but it does, and it makes me feel physically sick thinking of the two of you together … like that.” I stepped out of his hold and unlocked the door before turning back to face him

  “I can’t do this. You have no idea how hard it was for me to let you in, Blake. You have no idea at all.”

  “Then tell me; tell me what to do,” he said firmly.

  “There is nothing that you can do,” I replied simply before unlocking the door. I stepped out of the bathroom before turning once more to Blake. “Oh and by the way, Sara knew why I had left the party with Cooper, you do know that don’t you?” His eyebrows knitted together in confusion. “No … I didn’t think so,” I replied before walking away from him.

  Cooper’s smile soon turned to a frown when he saw that I had been crying. He stood and made his way over to me. “Everything okay?” he asked.

  “Can you take me home please? I don’t feel too good,” I lied.

  “Sure.” he stood and placed his suit jacket over his arm and took my hand without asking any questions.


  I didn’t look back to see whether Blake had followed me out of the bathroom. I had just made a massive mistake by letting him get close, and now the more that I remembered his lips on mine, the more I wanted him, and the more I could feel myself craving his touch. I needed to get the hell out of there.

  Cooper was quiet on the ride back to my apartment, he knew something was wrong, but he never pressed me for any details.

  “I’m sorry about tonight,” I said as we pulled into the underground parking at the apartment building.

  He shut off the engine, removed his seatbelt and turned to me in his seat. “It’s okay, maybe we can try again another night soon, when you’re feeling up to it?” he asked.

  “Definitely,” I agreed, removing my seat belt.

  “Jo?”

  “Yes?”

  Cooper was looking at me; there was something he wanted to say, but I could tell he was wondering whether to say it or not.

  He blinked a few times and seemed to bring himself out of his thoughts for a moment, shaking his head.

  “I just want you to know I’m always here for you.” His hand reached over and took mine. “Any time you ever need to talk, or feel like heading out for a jog” – he smiled – “call me, okay?”

  I nodded. “Thank you. That means a lot. You have been a really good friend, Cooper; I’ll always remember that.” I smiled, and he smiled back, but the smile never reached his eyes.

  “You’re okay though, right?” he asked.

  “I will be.” I nodded. “I didn’t sleep last night, I’ve been busy all day, my body clock thinks it’s breakfast time, yet I’ve skipped sleep again.” We both chuckled. “I’ll call you,” I said.

  “Do you want me to walk you up to your apartment?” he offered.

  I smiled. “No, that’s okay; I’ll manage.”

  “I didn’t mean—”

  “I know,” I said before he could finish, and he smiled softly at me.

  “I’ll see you soon then, Jo.”

  “See you soon,” I replied before leaning towards him and placing my lips to his cheek.

  I don’t know what possessed me. Cooper had been so kind to me, and I had made it clear time and time again to him that we were friends and friends only; that nothing more was ever going to happen between us. But something sparked inside my body as my lips left his cheek and moved across to his mouth. His eyes opened wide with shock at first; he hadn’t expected it just as much as I hadn’t intended it.

  “Sorry,” I whispered against his mouth.

  “Don’t be,” he whispered back before claiming my mouth with his.

  He was a rough kisser, but his lips felt good against mine. His hands moved up, and he placed one around my neck, pulling me closer to him while his other gripped my back. Our tongues invaded each other’s mouths over and over; only the sound of our heavy breathing filled the car. His body towered above me as we slid down onto the cool leather seat. I felt his hand slide slowly up my thigh, but something was missing; there were no butterflies in the pit of my stomach, no tingling in my limbs, no want for anything more to come from this than just a kiss. I realized it was wrong, it was all so wrong what I was doing, and the reason why was just too wrong. I pulled back and opened my eyes. It wasn’t the person who I had wanted it to be staring back at me.

  “I’m sorry,” I panted as I pushed Cooper from me and straightened up in my seat.

  “Well, I certainly wasn’t expecting it.” I turned to see his shocked expression.

  God, I felt awful. I had done exactly what I had said I wouldn’t do. I wanted Cooper and me to remain friends, good friends, and I had gone and led him on, for nothing.

  I lifted my hand and wiped traces of my lipstick from his mouth. He noticed I wasn’t smiling, and his face fell into a frown.

  “That kiss wasn’t meant for me, was it?”

  “I’m sorry,” I replied rubbing my brow frantically.

  “It was meant for Blake, wasn’t it?”

  I didn’t agree with him, but I also didn’t deny it. “I’m all over the place at the moment,” I said, refusing to meet his gaze.

  “Isn’t Blake seeing Sara?” I looked up as his eyes widened “Tell me you’re not seeing him too, Jo? That’s just wrong.” He shook his head.

  “I’m not,” I answered quickly. “You know I’m not that sort of person. I would never do that. It’s just … complicated.”

  “Don’t use me, Jo,”

  “I’m not,” I replied instantly. “I would never do that; you know that, don’t you?”

  Cooper turned his attention to outside, refusing to answer me.

  “Cooper, please, I’m sorry. Can we still be friends?” I asked nervously.

  Cooper’s face softened as he turned back to face me. “I will always be here for you, Jo; you know that; just don’t ever do that again unless it’s me that you actually want.”

  I nodded slowly. “So this won’t be awkward?”

  “It won’t be awkward.” He smiled.

  “Good.”

  “Good,” he agreed.

  “Good night, Cooper,” I said before hopping out of his car and heading into the building and straight for the lift. I couldn’t believe what I had done to Cooper, the one man here in New York who had always treated me so well. I had used him, and I was thankful he had understood. I just hoped that we could continue with our friendship the same from now on without any awkwardness. Only time would tell.

  5

  I had slept for nine solid hours. I don’t know how I had managed to switch off after the previous night’s events. I had lay in bed thinking about Blake and Cooper and the mess that I had created around myself, whilst wondering what the days ahead would bring. My mind had gone into overdrive, but somehow sleep had won me over and shut off my overactive mind.

  When I woke I decided to go for a jog, partly hoping to run into Cooper to check things were still okay between us, but there was no sign of him. The track that he took every morning was almost deserted. I couldn’t help the disappointment that I felt; I really wanted to know that we were okay. I decided I would call him in the next few hours.

  Running alone gave me plenty of time to think about Blake. As much as I wanted him, and as much as my chest hurt just thinking about how good his lips felt against mine the night before, I decided that I needed to forget about him and move on. Only a few weeks ago I had been prepared to stay in London. Had I stayed there, I would have had no choice but to forget about him; I could apply the same to New York. Yes, I would be closer to him, but in order for me to avoid getting hurt yet again, I would make myself move on. Today would mark the start of my “move on and forget about Blake” plan. I just hoped I was strong enough to get through it unscathed.

  I was thankful for the busy week ahead that I had planned. The following week, I would be auditioning for a small part in one of NBC’s most popular comedy shows, Perfect Alibi.

  Perfect Alibi was filmed in front of a live studio audience, and I had never filmed in front of a live audience before, so I was both excited and nervous, but I desperately wanted to nail my audition. I needed my new life here to be successful.

  Later that afternoon, I would be receiving scripts to run through before meeting with the casting director and main star of the show, Marcus Hardy, the following week. I was going to be the perfect student; I wanted this job, and the distraction that came with it.

  Casey crawled back into the apartment late in the afternoon sporting dark sunglasses and an obvious hangover.

  I couldn’t help but laugh. When Casey celebrated, she would do it in style and would always spend the whole next day regretting it. She would always vow “never again”, and of course that vow was broken by the next time a celebration came around.

  She slumped down onto the sofa opposite and swung her legs up onto the chair. “Urrggh never. Ever. Again.”

  “Are you only just getting back?” I asked, shocked.

  “No, but I’ve only had a couple
of hours sleep; Alex has his family over, and I can’t deal with them on a good day, let alone a day when I’m dying of alcohol poisoning,” she sighed.

  I laughed. “No consideration for a hung-over Casey? Tut tut..”

  “Yeah well, never again I tell you.”

  “Yes, okay,” I laughed before turning my attention back to the TV. I was watching as many episodes of Perfect Alibi as I could fit in, getting an idea of how it worked and the storylines that they used. We didn’t get this show in the UK, so it was all completely new to me.

  “You want me to get you anything?” I asked, amused. “Coffee? Water? An aspirin maybe? Hair of the dog even?” I laughed out loud as Casey swung a pillow straight for me; it skimmed my head and landed behind the sofa.

  “Why do you look so fresh and awake?” she asked curiously.

  “Maybe because I didn’t drink two magnums of champagne,” I laughed.

  “Urgh,” Casey heaved. “Don’t say that word.” She threw her head back on the sofa and sat there groaning.

  “You really were drunk,” I laughed. “I left before the food even came out.”

  Casey shot up in her seat. “Oh yeah, you went to the bathroom for, like, ages.” She waved her hand in the air. “And so did Blake.” She smirked.

  “You can wipe that smirk off your face; nothing happened between Blake and me and today is the first day in my ‘forget all about Blake and move on’ plan, and as much as so far today, I can’t stop wondering what he’s doing, who he is with, or how he is feeling about me. I just need to try, try to forget him. So let’s change the subject. Please.” I turned my attention back to the TV.

  “Something happened in the bathroom.” She practically sang the sentence. “Tell me tell me now!” she demanded.