Beautifully Unbroken

by D. M. Brittle

  “He definitely doesn’t hate you.”

  “He should hate me. I hate myself.”

  Casey twisted her body and lay next to me, looking at the ceiling.

  “I know you want to forget him, Jo, but the more you lay here sniffing his pillow, re-reading that card, and looking at the flowers, the more you are going to drive yourself mad.” She tilted her head to look at me. “And you look like shit.” she observed.

  “Thank you,” I replied dryly.

  “Get up.” She sat up sharply and hopped off the bed. “Let’s go out, get our hair done, maybe a facial. What do you say?”

  “No,” I whispered.

  Casey flopped back down onto the bed. “I know you don’t want to, but you need to. I need to know that I’m doing everything I can to help you; it kind of makes lying to your mom that tiny bit easier too.” She gave me a lopsided grin.

  “I’m sorry.”

  She stood up, headed towards my wardrobe, and began pulling clothes out in quick succession. “Wow, you wear a lot of black,” she said with disgust.

  “Matches my mood,” I managed to say.

  “Well get your ass out of that bed and put these on. We’re going out, and I’m not taking no for an answer.” She tilted her hip to the side, resting her hand just above it as she stood tapping her foot impatiently.

  I let out a low growl as I scrambled out of the sheets and headed to the bathroom, hoping that as much as I didn’t want to do this, it was at least a step in the right direction, and that was exactly what I needed.

  Five hours later I had been completely revitalized with a facial, manicure and pedicure, and a well-needed and much-overdue haircut and colour. The hairstylist had recommended a warm chestnut – not too far from my natural colour, but it gave it a nice boost. I had asked him to take a good four inches from the length so as my bouncy curls would rest on my shoulders. He added a fringe sweeping across my brow too. I looked completely different; I loved it.

  But as much as I felt brand new on the outside, my insides were still crumbling away bit by bit, a tiny piece falling away with every breath I would take. I wondered how long this would go on; would I always feel so numb? Surely sometime soon this would just be a distant memory, a learning curve that I would mold my future by.

  Alex was snarling to himself in the kitchen when Casey and I returned to the apartment. We had stopped off on the way home, as Casey had insisted that I needed a touch of colour in my dark wardrobe. So with my purchases in hand, I headed off down the hallway, leaving Casey to deal with her sulking boyfriend.

  “Not so fast there, Jo,” he called as I stepped past the kitchen. I stopped abruptly and backed up to face him.

  “What?”

  He nodded through to the lounge. “You have a visitor in there waiting for you. Please tell me you haven’t been fooling around with him while Blake is sat at home in pieces over you while you obviously don’t give a shit.”

  “Alex, don’t talk to her like that,” Casey said, slightly embarrassed, flicking her gaze from Alex to me with concern.

  “Ah, you’re back.” Cooper stepped into the kitchen, stopping as he reached Alex.

  “Cooper, hi, what can I do for you?”

  “You look amazing, Jo. Wow, look at you; you got your hair done. It looks … wow.” His eyes scanned my body more than once, and I began to feel very conscious. Alex cleared his throat loudly, pulling Cooper back from wherever his mind had wandered to.

  “Cooper?” I said, forcing his eyes back to mine.

  “Monday,” he said. “I just wanted to check your plans for Monday. Sugar with the guys, remember?”

  “It’s Sugar Lounge,” Alex mumbled under his breath.

  “Yes, yes, I remember. I’ll be there.”

  “Shall I pick you up, say, eight?”

  I could see that Alex was struggling to keep his mouth shut as he straightened up and crossed his arms over his chest.

  “That really won’t be necessary; I’ll make my own way there.”

  “No.” He shook his head firmly. “You are not getting in a cab when I am going anyway and can give you a lift.”

  “Really, Cooper I—”

  “Stop denting a guy’s pride here; just take the ride.” He held his arms out wide.

  I looked at Casey, who was slowly shaking her head, then at Alex, who I’m sure had steam shooting from both ears.

  “A lift would be good, then, thank you.”

  “No problem at all, Jo. I’ve missed you jogging these last few days,” he said.

  “Just haven’t felt up to it.” I shrugged.

  He smiled. “I understand. I’ll see you Monday then.” He straightened up and walked towards me. “The break-up seems to be suiting you, by the way.”

  Alex moved to step towards Cooper, but Casey caught his arm. Cooper closed the door firmly behind him as he left, leaving me feeling completely awkward.

  “He’s just a friend, Alex; he knows that there could never be anything between us.” I said breaking the silence.

  “Un-fucking-believable,” Alex growled before storming past me towards Casey’s bedroom. Casey gave me a lopsided grin and mouthed “sorry” to me.

  I frowned. “He really does hate me, doesn’t he?”

  “You hurt his best friend, Jo; either one of us would be the same if the shoe were on the other foot,” Casey said, trying her best to reassure me.

  “Does he know about my past?”

  “Not my story to tell, Jo.” She patted my back as she too walked past and left me standing alone in the kitchen, feeling even deeper in the tunnel that was starting to form around me. The only difference was that this one had no light at the end.

  I had talked myself out of going to Sugar at least one hundred times over the past few days. Marcus had invited me the day he offered me the part in Perfect Alibi. I, of course, had politely accepted, not realizing that almost two weeks later I would feel no less pain at what had happened between Blake and me. If anything, my feelings for Blake were growing, I felt as though the longer I was away from him, the more my love for him grew.

  I had made sure that I called Mum every day since Casey had made me get out of bed, I apologized profusely for ignoring her calls and went on to tell her everything that had happened between Blake and me. She cried, I cried, and then we both cried. I had felt little relief talking to Mum about it all; the pain didn’t ease one bit. Mum was doing okay. Being back at work had kept her mind occupied a lot. She sounded brighter, but her emptiness for dad was still very present and obvious. Speaking to Mum made me wonder why I was even still here in New York, but both she and Dad had insisted my life was here; I needed to at least give it another try before giving up completely and heading back home to London.

  I was dressed and ready to go by seven forty-five. I had made a decent effort but felt like shit. I had put on a new dress that Casey had insisted I buy when she had dragged me from the apartment the week before. It was pale blue. I didn’t do colour; I felt comfortable only in black. But as it had put me back a whopping five hundred dollars, I figured I needed at least one wear out of it.

  The satin-laced bodice hugged my breasts and my waist before the chiffon skirt flowed nicely just above the knee. I paired it with my favourite strapless Jimmy Choo shoes. I looked good – better than I expected, considering it was a dress I would never have picked out myself. But looking good on the outside made no change to the feelings that were still very much present on the inside.

  I could hear Casey and Alex having some sort of dispute in her bedroom. They had been doing that a lot lately, and I felt guilty that my behavior towards Blake was the prime source. I stepped into the lounge to wait for Cooper and came to an abrupt stop.

  Standing at the large window looking out to Central Park West was Blake.

  My heels had clicked loudly as I stepped onto the oak flooring, prompting Blake to turn and face me.

  My breath caught; my heart pumped hard against my ribs. He was here, stand
ing in my lounge, looking at me as though he were seeing me for the first time.

  He let out a breath that he must have been holding and stepped forward two steps.

  “Hi,” I said.

  “Hi,” he replied quietly.

  “How, um … how are you?”

  “Could be better,” he replied sadly. “You?”

  “Same,” I admitted.

  “You look beautiful, Jo.” his voice was full of emotion; just listening to him made me want to forget everything that had happened, walk over to him, and rip every item of clothing from his body before making mad passionate love to him all night.

  Shaking my head clear of my thoughts, I looked down at my dress. “Thank you.”

  “Your hair too, everything is just …”

  Silence thickened the air as we stared at each other. I felt it; I could feel the electric pull that had always drawn me to Blake. I could tell he felt it too.

  “I’ve missed you, Jo. I’ve missed you so much,” he said as his eyes filled up with emotion.

  “I’ve missed you too.” I forced a small smile before any tears had the opportunity to squeeze their way out.

  Casey and Alex’s dispute spilled into the lounge as they entered from the kitchen. The whole room fell silent. To me, though, there were only two of us in that room. Standing here looking into his eyes was breaking me; having him standing so close yet knowing I couldn’t just run into his arms was torture. Cooper knocking at the door broke the silence.

  Blake’s stance changed as Cooper entered the room. Standing straight, he seemed to focus on Cooper with venom in his eyes. Cooper walked in cocky and confident, heading straight for me and kissing me on the cheek.

  “Stunning, absolutely stunning,” he whispered in my ear. The guilt I felt at that moment reflected the hurt that Blake was visibly displaying. “Aren’t I the lucky one this evening,” Cooper chimed.

  “Hey, Blake, let’s get this show on the road; there are ladies out there waiting on you, man,” Alex said, obviously for my benefit.

  I heard Casey curse Alex, but he just laughed with amusement.

  Our eyes met again, and it felt like some sort of understanding forged between Blake and me. He was telling me that there would be no ladies for him that night, and I was replying that Cooper meant nothing, no one did, only him.

  “We had better head off too,” Cooper said, looking at his watch before holding his hand out for me.

  “It’s good to see you, Blake,” I said shakily.

  “You too, Jo, take care,” he replied with hurt.

  My eyes never left Blake until he was out of sight and we were out of the apartment. This night was going to be torture. Seeing Blake crucified me completely. It made me want to crawl back into bed and cry myself to sleep yet again, but instead I was on my way out with Cooper. I would need a lot of cocktails to clear him from my mind.

  The club was packed, and the music was pumping out loudly from every corner.

  Cooper guided us through to the VIP area that Alex had reserved for the party; it was much less crowded, and the music was bearable.

  I found Marcus first and made a beeline for him; I needed to keep mingling in order to keep my mind occupied. Marcus introduced me to every cast member that had already arrived. I recognized a few from the episodes I had sat and watched, and another few of them had appeared in other shows that I had watched back home in London. There were so many new faces that I would struggle to remember them all by name; I made a mental note to try my hardest.

  “Cosmopolitan for the lady.” Cooper grinned as he made his way over to me and handed me the glass.

  “Thank you,” I said, taking the drink and downing most of it.

  Cooper smirked. “Thirsty?”

  “Something like that,” I replied, draining the last bit from the glass. “You want another?” I asked as I turned and headed for the bar. I was going to need many more cocktails to keep me from running off and finding Blake.

  Cooper sat at the next stool while I tried to drown my sorrows. I hadn’t stopped talking about Blake since I finished my first cocktail, and Cooper, being the friend he is, just sat and listened and nodded when appropriate. After my third cocktail, Blake was still the only thing I could think about, but my mind was slowly beginning to relax.

  “Why couldn’t I have fell in love with you,” I slurred as I poked Cooper in the chest.

  “Because you have no taste, that’s why,” he laughed as he ordered us both another drink.

  “He just pulls me in. It’s like he’s Dynamo or something; he has this power,” I said, scrunching up my eyes. “He mesmerizes me completely.” I sighed. “I love him, Cooper,” I said sadly. “How can I stop that? I need to just stop loving him and move on; I want to just forget about him. Can you help me forget about him?”

  Cooper opened his mouth to speak a few times, but nothing came out. I could sense his awkwardness. I had sat with him all night, and all I had spoken about was Blake.

  “God, Cooper, I’m sorry,” I said placing my hand on his knee. No more Blake, I promise.” I swept my fingers across my lips as if locking them with a key. “I need a wee,” I said with a nod. “Be right back.” I stumbled from the stool, holding Cooper’s shoulder for leverage.

  “Do you need a hand?” he asked with amusement.

  “Nope,” I said before making my feet move and heading through the crowd. The walls appeared to be moving towards me. I was drunk. I hadn’t been drunk like this since I had experimented as a teenager. It wasn’t a nice feeling, but it helped my mind to relax somewhat.

  Cooper was still sat at the bar when I returned. He handed me my next drink, which I knocked back. Robin Thicke’s “Blurred Lines” started pounding from the speakers. “I love this song,” I said, holding my hand out to Cooper. “Dance with me.” He smiled and stood as he took my hand and led us through the growing crowd that was now gathering on the dance floor. I wrapped my arms around Cooper’s neck to keep me from stumbling; I was really starting to feel the effects of the cocktails as I found myself leaning into Cooper’s body more and more.

  Cooper un-wrapped my hands from around his neck and spun my body suddenly. My back was pressed deep against his chest, his hands wrapped around my waist, gripping me tightly as he ground against me, pushing towards him. I wrapped my arms around his neck again and started grinding against him. My head became heavy and dropped back, resting on his shoulder as we moved to each beat of the song. “What are you doing, Jo?” Cooper asked as his lips grazed my earlobe.

  “Just dancing,” I panted. I felt relaxed, and for the first time in two weeks, I felt my worries slowly begin to fade away. Cooper’s mouth grazed my earlobe again. I didn’t protest as my body was taken over by my senses. I was floating, and any inhibition I had to tell Cooper to stop had left my body and evaporated into thin air. Cooper’s big hands worked their way up and down my thighs. “You feel so good, Jo,” he whispered. “So fucking good.”

  I didn’t reply; I couldn’t. My body suddenly felt foreign. I felt as though I wasn’t actually there, that I wasn’t actually dancing with Cooper. The whole thing felt like a dream, as if I were floating above the scene that surrounded me.

  “Come with me,” Cooper said firmly in my ear before taking my hand and leading me through the ever-growing crowd and out into a dark hallway.

  “Coop …” was all I could manage. Speech just wasn’t happening right now. My eyes were blurred, my body was limp, and it took every ounce of my strength to focus on the door we were heading towards.

  Cooper swung the door open with force, and the warm night air hit me, causing me to sway further into Cooper’s arms.

  “I’ve got you, baby,” I heard him say as my back slammed hard against the wall. “Cooper’s got you.”

  His mouth crashed hard against mine, his tongue forcing its way hard into my mouth. He was rough, hard, taking everything that he could get; and I was weak – too weak to resist.

  “God you taste good,�
� he growled before going in again. His kisses were bruising; the taste of blood suddenly filled my mouth.

  Gripping his shirt with as much force as I could, I tried to push him away, but he was too heavy; his hard body was pressing me further and further into the wall. He had me so tight that I was struggling to take a breath, struggling to tell him no. He just carried on, taking everything that he could from me.

  “Don’t fight me, baby; I know you want this too.”

  His rough hands worked their way up my skirt, grazing hard against my thighs until he reached his destination.

  Every attempt that I made to push him away was done in vain; he was too strong, too powerful for me to fight off.

  “Don’t fight me, baby; you want this, I know you do, don’t fight me.” He tugged at my knickers, and with one loud tear they were gone. He threw them to the side and took my mouth again as his fingers skimmed the top of my thigh. I tried to push my legs together, tried so hard to stop him, but his knee was pressing between both my legs, holding me firmly in place. I started to cry; I couldn’t stop. I’d read about this; I’d seen it in films and on TV. I was about to be raped by one of the few people I could have called a friend just a couple of hours ago.

  “Don’t do this,” I managed to say. “Please, Cooper, don’t hurt me; please don’t hurt me. I’m sorry. Please, I’m sorry!” I managed to raise my voice slightly, but it took every bit of what strength I had left; I could shout no more.

  He placed his hand over my mouth to silence me. “I won’t hurt you; you want this just as much as I do,” he said in a hard tone, his face only inches from mine.

  “Please.” I shook my head as tears streamed down my cheeks.

  “You are beautiful. You have no idea how long I have waited for this.” I felt his fingers graze my folds, and I screamed as much as I could against his hand. But we were in the middle of a pitch-black deserted car park at the rear of the club. It was just Cooper and me; no one would hear me.

  His fingers entered me roughly, pushing in and out over and over. It was so painful that it stung. Cooper placed his head on my shoulder. “Soft, so fucking soft; fucking hell, Jo.” His fingers quickly left me, and his hand left my mouth as he started working on his zip.