Samurai Zombie Hunter

by Cristian YoungMiller

  “Yeah. Kofi runs the business and I hunt the zombies.”

  “That’s so cool,” April gushed.

  “Yeah, I guess. I like to think we do it humanely though.”

  “How do you kill a zombie humanely?” April asked with a smile.

  “With a samurai sword,” Van added, trying his best to keep his bragging subtle.

  “Wait! You guys are Samurai Zombie Hunters?” April asked with a shine in her eyes.

  Van and Kofi froze. They stared at April shocked that she would know their names.

  “Yeah,” Kofi jumped in proudly. “Have you heard of us?”

  “Yeah I heard about you.” April took a slow sip on her drink. And in that moment she decided that she was going to sleep with one of them tonight. “That’s so fuckin’ hot,” she said, allowing the word fuck to roll off of her tongue.

  “You’re fuckin’ hot,” Van said inserting himself into the opening.

  April tilted her head to the side as she looked at Van. It was him that she wanted to sleep with. “My drink’s empty. Can you get me another one?” April asked Van as foreplay.

  “What do you want?” Van obliged.

  “Sex on the Beach.”

  “You don’t need a fuckin’ drink for that,” Van replied feeling the tightness build in his pants.

  April giggled uncontrollably.

  With his eyes still on April he leaned down to Kofi. Speaking loud enough for her to hear he whispered to Kofi. “Watch after her will you?” Not waiting for a response Van headed back to the bar. April watched him go.

  Kofi stared at April as Van walked away. She was now less attractive to Kofi. In fact, there was something about April that Kofi found ugly. “You have something on your face,” Kofi spit out.

  “What?” April asked turning her attention away from Van.

  “You have something on your face.”

  “Where?”

  “It’s on your cheek. I think your makeup smeared.”

  April pulled out her compact and checked her face.

  “So who are you here with? Did someone abandon you?”

  “I don’t see it,” April said looking into the mirror.

  “Maybe I’m wrong, it could be the light. It just looks strange. So where are your friends?”

  “They’re over there.” April pointed at two other girls that were looking back at Kofi. “I don’t see it.”

  “I don’t know. It could just be your face. It just looks like a smear or something. Why don’t you invite your friends over?”

  Still looking in the mirror April spoke. “I’m going to the bathroom. Tell Van I’ll be right back.”

  “Ok, will do. It’s probably just the light though.”

  When Van returned with the drink, he looked around, annoyed.

  “Where’s the girl?” Van asked, concerned.

  “Who, April?”

  “Yeah, whatever.”

  “She went to the bathroom.”

  “Why did you let her go to the bathroom?” Van asked with venom.

  “What do you mean ‘let her?’ She went to the bathroom. I can’t stop that.”

  “Fuck!”

  “That’s her friends over there. You wanna join them?” Kofi asked hoping that his night wouldn’t be a complete waste.

  “No I don’t want to fuckin’ join them. I’m trying to close this fuckin’ deal right now. I don’t want this to turn into a whole thing with her friends.”

  “I was just thinking that I could use the zombie hunter thing on one of her friends.”

  “I don’t want to join her fuckin’ friends. Why the fuck is she spending so long in the bathroom? Fuck!”

  “Calm down Van. She had to pee or something and she went to the bathroom. What’s wrong with going to the bathroom?”

  “There’s something in one of the stalls. Fuck!”

  Kofi turned and saw April coming toward them. “And look, there she is.”

  Hiding his concern Van smiled and held out her drink. “I got something for you. Your first sex on the beach tonight,” Van said, hoping that she would pick up on his invitation.

  April arrived back much less enthusiastic than when she left. Her flirtatious attitude was gone. “Umm, thanks. Listen I have to join my friends.”

  “Oh that’s cool. What are they into?” Van asked, hoping that this wasn’t a blow off.

  “Nothing. They’re good girls like me.”

  “Oh, you’re a good girl, huh?” Van asked, trying to recapture some of their magic.

  “Yeah. Anyway, it was good talking to you. Thank you for the drink.”

  April took the drink and walked to her friends.

  “What happened there?” Kofi asked with concern.

  “You had to let her go to the fuckin’ bathroom. Fuck!”

  “Dude, calm down. What’s up with the fuckin’ bathroom?”

  “Fuck!”

  “Chill alright! People are beginning to look over here,” Kofi said looking around.

  “Don’t tell me to fuckin’ calm down!” Van yelled at Kofi.

  “Alright. I won’t tell you to calm down.”

  “This place is dead, let’s get out of here.”

  “What are you talking about? We’re not going to find any ladies better than these.”

  “Fuck!” Van yelled at the top of his lungs.

  Kofi looked around at everyone in the room that turned to stare.

  “I need to kill something. You got an address for me?” Van asked.

  “I always have an address.”

  Kofi pulled out his phone and fingered though the addresses. “There’s a zombie problem at 3111 Torreyson Place that needs taking care of. It’s off Mulholland Drive. That’s where he lives. He’s described as 5’10”, skinny, pale with shaggy brown hair. His name is Charles or Chuck. They’ve already paid so you don’t have to worry about collecting anything.”

  “Got it.”

  Kofi reached in his pocket and pulled out his keys. “You can take my car. I’ll get a cab. I think that I’m gonna try working the zombie hunter angle here a little more.”

  Van took Kofi’s keys, knocked back his drink and walked out without turning around.

  Van had a lot of time to think on the trek from Silverlake to Mulholland through Saturday night traffic. Most of his thoughts were about his past conquests. No matter what he did to distract himself, he couldn’t escape them. And certainly he couldn’t escape them while still at Bar Bar with the sketch still in the bathroom stall. He decided that he would have to find a new hangout.

  By the time he turned from Mulholland to Torreyson Place, this was just another job. He didn’t feel the need to get revenge for anything and he no longer felt the need to kill anyone. But nonetheless, his job was to hunt zombies and he was here to clock in.

  Torreyson Place was a nice street. Van always appreciated the neighborhoods with big trees – it indicated history. Torreyson Place had trees so old they created a canopy over the street. And the houses that lined the narrow road bespoke vast sums of money – and a high probability of a security system in his target’s home He didn’t yet know how he would overcome it.

  Van drove to the end of the cul-de-sac and turned around. He parked Kofi’s car opposite the leaf covered wall and stared at the six foot barrier surrounding the address. He got out of the car and popped open the truck. In it was Kofi’s sword. It didn’t feel the same as his but it was close enough.

  Standing in front of the wall, Van threw his arms up and chinned his head above the barrier. On the other side was a gorgeous house. The brown brick home seemed to cover two properties and, judging by the slope of the yard, probably overlooked the valley on one side. Van considered it a shame that the owner of this place had to die.

  Not seeing any sign of dogs Van let himself down. After a moment to think, Van threw Kofi’s sword over the wall into the yard. With a jump and a strong pull he followed the sword over to the other side.

  Walking toward the house, Va
n appreciated the property more. It was well manicured. Flowers lined the driveway and hedges were trimmed into animal shapes. The yard could have belonged to a theme park or museum.

  In the dark, Van looked up for motion sensor lights. Even if there were any, he was sure that animals would set them off all of the time. And even if the light turned on a security camera, the lack of consequences for his previous hunts told him that the police wouldn’t pursue him for doing the people’s work.

  Van found the main door but circled the house looking for another way in. The gate leading to the back yard was unlocked, and hovering over the grass was a deck. Van ascended the stairs to the deck and found a wall of glass doors. The doors were a great addition because they allowed view of the whole valley. It truly was a magnificent home.

  Van looked up at the roof of the house. On it was a security camera. But knowing that he had to have been in the sensor’s zone to enter the deck, he knew the security light and, hence, camera, wasn’t working. He hoped for another bit of luck when he tried the sliding glass door… and, to his surprise, his luck held: the door slid open.

  Once inside, Van set himself on alert. With the door open and the light off he assumed the owner of the house was still awake. And if Charles was still up, Van had to worry about a whole lot more.

  With both hands on his sword, Van skulked around the house. The interior was as impressive as the outside. The floor throughout the house was a slatted teak wood. And the furniture was wide and sturdy looking with upholstery that, with its detail and texture, screamed how expensive it was.

  From the deck Van had entered the dining room. Turning to his left he stepped down into a seating area that also looked out onto the deck. Behind a half wall was a family room with a luxurious beige couch. In front of the couch, the TV was still on, illuminating a lump in the couch’s otherwise sleek silhouette – a head. Someone was sitting on this couch.

  Van took a tighter grip of his sword and crouched down. He had been in dangerous situations in the last few weeks, and he had come close to dying himself. But now he knew that if he searched the dark corners first and kept everyone in front of him, the chances of survival increased dramatically.

  Sneaking up on the head, Van readied his sword. Close enough to strike Van paused and breathed in the moment.

  “Charles?” Van said like a voice from nowhere.

  Startled, Charles let out a quiet yelp and threw himself forward. With his body lodged between the couch and ottoman, he looked back at Van.

  Van looked into Charles’ eyes searching for the dark circles but, silhouetted by the light of the TV, he couldn’t see them. Van scanned the room for anyone else and, with a plan to throw himself over the couch, leaned forward.

  “You’re the Samurai Zombie Hunter?” Charles asked.

  That confirmed it. In one step, Van put his foot on the back of the couch and propelled himself into the air.

  As quickly as he could Charles slid down further between the furniture and threw his hands up to protect himself. “Wait-wait-wait-wait-wait!” he pleaded.

  Unable to exact a clean blow, Van stood on the business side of the couch staring down at Charles. With this better angle for light he could now see Charles’ eyes. They were clean. That didn’t grant Chuck a free pass from being hunted, but in this less blood thirsty mood it did give Charles a moment for last words. Van stared down with his sword ready to strike.

  When Charles saw that Van wasn’t making a move, he lowered his hands and took a closer look at his attacker. “Aren’t you supposed to be dressed as a samurai?” Charles asked.

  This disarmed Van. It surprised him that his personal rituals had become a part of a reputation that clearly preceded him.

  “I didn’t have time to change,” Van said, almost apologetically.

  “I was hoping that you would be a real samurai,” Charles said with disappointment.

  This knocked Van back. He did consider himself a real samurai. But Charles was right. There was a respect that came with dressing professionally. And if crossing a scared zombie over into zombie hell didn’t obligate decorum, then what in this world did?

  Van lowered his sword and took another look at Charles.

  “I was expecting you. I’ve done some horrible things. I deserve what’s coming. I just want to be ready for it. Ok?”

  Still staring at Charles, Van got down off of the couch. “Ok.”

  Charles, never turning from Van, slid back onto the couch and struggled to maintain his breath.

  With the light from the TV shining fully onto Charles’ face, Van got a good look at his eyes. Having seen enough of them now, Van could see the first signs of the circles developing. It looked like a black eye first starting to bleed into existence. Van imagined that on the days that Charles went out, he could easily hide it with makeup. Judging by the eyes, Charles had probably been infected for about three or four years. That was still plenty of time to eat and kill his way to hell.

  Charles took a final deep breath. “Ok, I’m ready now.” Charles closed his eyes and waited.

  Van lifted his sword and took a powerful step towards Chuck.

  Hearing his approach Charles threw up his hands again protecting his neck. “No no no no no no no,” Charles riddled.

  “What?” Van barked.

  Charles looked up, startled by Van’s abrupt response. “I wasn’t ready.” Charles breathed again. “Ok, I think I’m ready now.” Charles closed his eyes again.

  Van lifted his sword and just as he was about to let loose, Charles threw up his arms again.

  “Stop stop stop stop stop stop,” Charles pleaded.

  “What is it?!” Van bellowed.

  “Look, I’m not gonna run or fight you. I brought you here. I was the one who hired you. I realize that it would be better for everyone if I was no longer around. I couldn’t help what I did to those people. I just couldn’t stop myself anymore. The craving was too strong. And I know that if I keep living I’m going to do it again. So I hired you to protect everyone I care about from me. But I’m asking you to give me a few more minutes. My girl doesn’t know that I hired you. Let me see her one last time. Let me say goodbye. That’s all I ask, then I’ll be ready. I swear.”

  “Is she a zombie too?”

  “No, she’s human. She’s pure. I would never hurt her, and I would never let anyone else hurt her either. I love her and she loves me - I just want the chance to say goodbye, that’s all. I still want you to do what you came here to do. But I just want the chance to say goodbye.”

  Van lowered his sword and examined Charles. Charles was a skinny, early-thirties guy with what had to be zero muscle tone. Even with his added zombie strength Van couldn’t imagine Chuck being a threat to anyone. In fact, upon further examination, Van couldn’t imagine any girl being won over by such a weak specimen of manhood. So if there was some equally-homely woman out there expecting her one shot at love to return to her and he didn’t, that would be a tragedy indeed.

  “Where’s your girl?” Van asked.

  “She’s in the bedroom, just right over there - it’s glass. You can watch me to make sure I don’t do anything wrong.”

  Van looked to where Charles pointed. All he saw was more darkness. But in truth, Van was actually curious to see more of the house. And if he had to give this guy access to whatever weaponry that he had stored around to get a tour, then Van thought it would be worth it.

  “Ok. But if you do anything sudden, or if you do anything crazy in any way, I’ll make sure she has to watch me execute our contract. Hear me?”

  “Yes! I swear I won’t. Thank you!” Charles said with genuine gratitude beaming from his face.

  He got up from the couch and led Van through the space. The family room was huge and eventually ended with a hallway and some stairs.

  “She’s upstairs,” Charles added.

  Van twisted his blade face up as Charles led him through the darkness. At a momen’t notice he was ready to strike.

&nbs
p; The carpeted stairwell emptied out onto a landing. At the end of the landing was a glass wall as Charles had said. And by the light of the moon Van could make out a woman lying asleep on the bed.

  “There she is,” Charles said, looking longingly at her.

  Van took a closer look at the woman. The more he stared, the more he saw how beautiful she was. “She’s…” Van said not knowing how to phrase it.

  “Way out of my league?” Charles said with a smile.

  “Way out,” Van emphasized. “How did you get her? Is it the money?”

  “No. This was my parent’s house. I do ok but that’s not it.”

  Van looked at Charles with a new admiration and curiosity.

  “Let’s just say that I have certain skills that she can’t get enough of,” Charles admitted with what would be the last laugh of his life.

  “You satisfy her?” Van questioned disbelievingly.

  “Yeah, I do. And I love her. And she loves me in spite of this disease I have.”

  “She knows that you’re a zombie?” Van asked, not thinking that it could be possible.