Inevitable

by Roberts, A. S.

I was lying in the bed, the same bed that only hours before we had made love in. The anger had coursed up and down my body, but the strongest feeling of all was hurt, unimaginable, crippling hurt. I struggled to lie still whilst I ran the words over and over again in my head. Whatever bloody way I ran them, I always came back to the same answer. I was being the same gullible, stupid girl I had only ever been once before in my life.

  What the hell was I doing?

  ‘Right, what the hell’s going on? You can tell me the truth as well,’ I spat out quickly as I sat up. I was holding the sheet tight to my body. I might have teased him before with it, but no way was he seeing any bloody part of me now. My body language was going to project confidence, I was going to be calm and in control.

  ‘I was waiting for ya to stop fucking pretending.’ I heard him speak from in the shadows in the corner of the room, in the deep rumble I loved.

  Of course he knew I was awake. Our bodies seemed to talk to each other’s. My conspiring body had recognised him and instantly flowered open, even when my mind wanted to retreat.

  I fumbled around to the side of me, just feeling with my fingertips for a bedside light switch. I clicked it on, finally the room came into view, lit with the dull orange glow of the dusty bulb. Nathan was sitting with one leg crossed over his lap. He was staring at me, one hand was running through his hair and the other was tapping his protruding ankle bone, making an audible sound each time he connected fingers to bone. He was naked other than his tight fitting boxer shorts.

  ‘I love you, Bella… for now you’re just gonna have to goddamn trust me. I have never fucking lied to you and I’m not gonna start now.’ I watched as his eyes found mine, imploring me to listen. He stood up from the chair and took the couple of steps back to the bed, I felt the bed dip with his weight as he sat down. ‘Lie down.’

  ‘I don’t think so. I prefer to look liars straight in the bloody eyes, go on then get on with it.’ My chest was constricting with the pressure of containing my emotions. My throat was tightening and in between speaking I was constantly swallowing, just to stop the sobs creeping up and appearing audibly into my mouth.

  ‘Hand,’ he demanded. I watched as Nathan’s large hand came across the one-foot gap in between us. He was wiggling his fingers, suggesting I should take a hold. It might have only been a small gap between us, but right at that moment it felt as wide as the Atlantic Ocean. I refused to move a muscle, gripping the sheet tighter to my naked body. All he was wearing were his boxers and my whole body wanted to be in his arms, I needed to feel his skin on mine. I wanted him to hold me close, stroke my hair, kiss the tip of my nose and tell me everything was going to be alright, but he couldn’t. I wouldn’t let him, because all of what he said was a lie. I had to remember that. I wasn’t going to be reeled in again, my heart couldn’t take it. I was unsure why I was even still alive, surely the pain in my chest meant my heart was broken. I wasn’t going to let the lying bastard touch me again, it was my only defence.

  ‘You don’t need to touch me, just get on with it.’ My voice was rising slowly in my anger.

  Nathan growled and jumped up suddenly.

  ‘Don’t shut the fuck down on me, Bella… we’ve only just goddamn opened up… TRUST ME!’ He was a truly magnificent sight standing at the side of the bed, every muscle on show, as he tensed up the work of art that was his tattooed body. His fists were opening and closing at his sides and the anger was pouring off him in waves. I wasn’t scared of him; I knew this anger wasn’t directed at me, but the situation we were in.

  ‘What the bloody hell do you expect me to do… I have just woken up to hear a message you were leaving for Candy.’ My eyes were so wide just staring at him in my hurt and resentment. I was trying to read his body language because he had given me cause to believe that I couldn’t trust his words. He was walking around the room just like a caged lion. I watched his tattooed fingers raking through his longer stands of hair over and over again.

  ‘Yes I was leaving a message for her, I knew she wouldn’t goddamn answer because it’s not her fucking phone.’ He stopped walking and turned on his heels, offering me his open arms in sheer frustration.

  ‘So you know it’s not her phone. Where the bloody hell is she staying, Nathan?’ My voice was so cool and calm that even I didn’t recognise it.

  ‘She’s at my penthouse, Bella. She’s staying there to try and sort out some stuff.’ He had stood still waiting for my response.

  The penthouses Nathan and his brothers owned were on Fifth Avenue, overlooking Central Park. Frankie and I had been lucky enough to stay in one, while she had been Nate’s physio last year. We later found out that their brother Scott owned it. I hated the thought of Candy in Nathan’s apartment.

  I had known the answer, so why the hell couldn’t I have just avoided asking the question. The answer coming from his lips was like a knife being plunged into my guts over and over again.

  ‘I’m not fucking talking about Candy again, darlin.’ My eyes shot up to his instantly, he knew why.

  How dare he call me darlin?

  He moved rapidly and fell over me on the bed. I moved myself backwards, clutching a tight hold on the sheet that covered my modesty, until I felt myself being pushed up against the very scratched wooden headboard. The cold touched the bare flesh of my shoulder blades. Nathan had moved up and over me, my heart was beating faster at the nearness of his body. His spicy sandalwood body wash entered my nostrils and his minty breath connected with the sensitive bee stung area around my mouth. His beautiful eyes stared deeply into mine. His voice was once again calm and dictating.

  ‘I don’t, fucking lie…especially to the few people I care about… yes that’s where I went to change my goddamn clothes after seeing you in the Hamptons.’ He took a deep breath and continued, ‘I’m not with her, I’m just helping her out… as a friend.’ I glanced up at his large body dominating and pinning mine to the bed. My hands itched to touch him and make everything OK. This wasn’t how I’d seen this night panning out. I had to keep control, I needed to save myself from further pain and I said the only thing I knew would work.

  ‘You’re scaring me.’ I regretted the lie as soon as it had left my lips. Nathan let out an almost animalistic cry of pain and shot so fast off the bed he stumbled, as both feet connected with the ground and I could see by his face that he had hurt his still recuperating leg. He rubbed his hands over his face.

  ‘No, Bella… NO, you can’t honestly think I would fucking hurt you, tell me you didn’t fucking mean that.’ I said nothing as I watched him gather his jeans and thrust one leg and then the other into them.

  I knew I needed to say something, but I couldn’t force my lips to speak. I was in utter misery and I wanted him to join me.

  You are a bloody bitch, Bella.

  ‘You know I would never do anything to fucking hurt you, Bella… never. What sort of bastard do you think I am?’ He was getting dressed so quickly and I watched as I saw his gorgeous body disappear for probably the last time beneath his very creased maroon T-shirt. He ran a hand through his hair as he gathered up his few belongings and stuffed them into his rucksack. ‘Your silence is fucking killing me.’

  I knew that this was the one moment I needed to open my mouth, something I was usually so good at. I should reassure him, but in self-preservation mode I kept silent.

  ‘So, nothing… you’re going to say fucking nothing, after all we’ve been through… all we’ve goddamn told each other.’ I watched as the man I loved stood in front of me waving his gesticulating arms and finally crossing them in defence in front of his chest. I watched as the mask slipped into place, like someone had pulled down a black out blind. He reached into his wallet and placed down some cash onto the bed.

  ‘Have it your way... I’m headed back to New York on the bike, Brock will be here in a few hours. He’ll take you the rest of the way to California. I’ll be there as soon as I can fucking make it.’ I watched him stare at me intently, slowly twisting hi
s head to one side in question. ‘So still nothing to say?’

  ‘No.’ I couldn’t believe what my mouth had actually forced out, my heart was begging me to be honest, to scream from the rooftop that I loved him and I believed him. My head wouldn’t allow it. There was no way I could open myself up to more hurt. He was going to leave and I wasn’t strong enough to stop him.

  He was leaving me.

  I watched him as he gathered up his stuff, he squatted next to the bed and looked at me. I noticed with a heavy heart he made no attempt to touch me, for the first time ever he made no effort to connect with me, but who could blame him. I had used the ultimate weapon against him.

  ‘The cash will be enough until Brock gets here… It’s a shame you don’t have your cell with you, I could have sent you a picture of the fuckwad. Just don’t open the door unless you’ve ordered food or he arrives… I’ll arrange a safe word with him. What word do you want?’

  ‘I have my phone, text me a picture.’ No way was I discussing safe words with him now.

  He was leaving me to go back to her.

  ‘Tell me you haven’t fucking used it?’ He stood suddenly.

  ‘Of course I have, I’ve spoken to Jassy on it… I last spoke to her yesterday. What the hell has that got to do with you?’

  ‘Did you hear me speak to Alex? The Antonescus are on their way, headed straight towards here and now I think I know fucking why. They must have your phone tracked, I’m fucking sure of it.’ He spun around, delved into his bag and retrieved his mobile. ‘Alex… yeah, I’m just about to leave, just fucking listen a minute. Bella has her phone with her, and she’s used it… yep… that’s what I thought.’

  He turned back to me now. ‘Have you placed a call from here?’ I nodded my head and gazed down at my mobile now in my hand. ‘Is it turned off.’

  ‘Yes, I’ve been saving the power, I didn’t have the room for my charger.’ The small voice I now spoke with exemplified just the way I felt, stupid.

  He turned away from me, his face completely unreadable. ‘Yep… I will, at least we fucking know how they knew where to go now, yeah… see ya when I get there.’ He disconnected the call to Alex and turned to face me once again. Pressing a few buttons on his phone he called up a picture of a good looking man. He passed the phone over to me and I took it, making sure my fingers didn’t brush his at all.

  ‘That’s Brock,’ he stated in a weary voice. ‘His hair is shorter now like mine and his beard is longer.’ I gazed at the picture, he had brown hair and what looked like extremely light blue eyes, or they could be grey, almost wolfish. It was hard to tell on a small picture. ‘He will arrive here with his three-year-old son, Max… you won’t be able to mistake them.’ He showed me another picture on his phone of Brock and a beautiful little boy.

  They seemed to run in packs around here, like wolves. No one I had met so far around the Blackmores, seemed to be average looking, they were all bloody gorgeous.

  ‘OK.’ I had never in my life, had so little to say. I watched as Nate, now all business, took my phone and left me with his.

  ‘We’re swapping phones, I’m travelling back up towards NYC, and using your phone, it will give us the few hours we need to put them off your fucking scent and Brock can get you away… this isn’t finished, Bella… don’t believe this is over between us.’ I listened as he inhaled deeply to calm himself down, ‘You mean too fucking much to me, for me to let you go.’

  ‘But obviously I don’t mean enough, for you to be with me exclusively.’ I hated myself the moment the words came out of my mouth. I backed up the statement by glaring at him.

  Why do I keep trying to hurt him further?

  ‘I don’t have the fucking time for this… you seriously need to grow the fuck up. We’ve all been hurt before, sassy. Continuing to lash out is getting us goddamn nowhere… I’m going now, keep yourself safe, remember only answer the door for food you’ve ordered, or to Brock.’ I watched as he moved towards the door, limping slightly after slamming his foot to the floor earlier. He turned as he grabbed hold of the door handle. I could tell there was so much he wanted to say as he opened and closed his mouth, but to start with nothing came out.

  ‘It’s only ever been you, darlin… I’ll be seeing ya.’ With that, he opened the door and disappeared from my sight.

  I hated myself, any normal person would run to the door and shout for him to stop. Bella Carpenter couldn’t, she refused to lower herself even if it meant cutting off her nose to spite her face. With a loud wail I threw myself face down onto the bed and screamed into the bedding that smelt of Nate and the sex we’d had only a few hours before.

  NATHAN

  What the fuck had just happened? That wasn’t in the fucking script.

  The door slammed shut behind me. Just before I strode away, I checked it was definitely fucking closed, for her safety.

  Who the fuck was I kidding? I wanted to open the door and demand she listen to me.

  I couldn’t fucking let go of the handle. What I wanted to do was go back inside the room and demand she fucking communicate with me, but she’d removed that as an option. After everything I’d told her, I couldn’t believe she’d pulled that card on me, I’d never inflicted pain on a woman in my fucking life, unless they were going to gain pleasure from it. I’d never knowingly used my strength and control on a woman who hadn’t asked me to, and I sure as hell wasn’t going to start now.

  I wasn’t and never would be my fucking step-father!

  I jogged down to the lot as fast as my leg would let me and started to get the bike ready to leave. I shoved my rucksack into the holder and stared briefly at the empty one on the opposite side. I couldn’t believe we were fucking here again. Taking a deep breath, I stared up at the sky, taking in the change of colours. The sun would be rising soon.

  ‘FUCK… not again, Bella.’ I was speaking to myself as I slammed the palm of my hand on the gas tank.

  Would we ever be able to leave our pasts behind us?

  I was more determined than ever, that we would. This was our time and whether she liked it or not, I would make her fucking listen to me, but not now. Fate pulled me somewhere else for now, but it was inevitable that we would be together, of that I was goddamn certain. I for once had the fucking loyalty I needed, to stand the fuck up and help someone I loved to deal with their shit. I needed to for her sake and for my own.

  I ran my hand through my hair before pulling my lid down over my head. I turned the keys and the engine turned over. I flung my leg over and got my ass comfortable. Slowly I moved the bike to the road. Just before I pulled away, I took one more look at our closed door.

  Of course she hadn’t goddamn opened it. Look away, stupid fucker.

  I turned the handle grip forward, over and over, revving the normally quiet running engine and pulled out of the lot with as much control as I could manage. I didn’t look back.

  The roar of the engine fed my addicted soul, and I let the bike goddamn rip open beneath me, passing a couple of hours. But the ride felt fucking empty, she wasn’t behind me and it hurt like fuck.

  I pressed a couple of buttons on the console. Luckily the bike was equipped with its own cell built in.

  ‘Morish.’ I heard the familiar voice of the guy I was as close to as my brothers. The nickname he used for me was to do with the ladies always wanting more of me than I was willing to give. The guys at the track thought it was a great play on my name. Assholes.

  ‘Brock… how far away are you, man?’ I questioned him.

  ‘We’ve just landed… picking up the car now… so I reckon about two hours.’

  ‘You’re a clutch, man I appreciate your help… look after her for me.’

  ‘Yeah, you as usual owe me a few beers…’ I could hear him thinking, and clicking his tongue in his mouth. ‘What’s different about this one, dude? For months you’ve been shagging everything you could get your hands on, but nothing scratched the itch, she comes back and now you’re running away?’
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  I laughed at the futility of it all. ‘Now you’re goddamn asking something… she’s… well she’s fucking everything… she doesn’t understand that… yet.’ I heard him offer me a deep laugh, an all knowing laugh.

  ‘Never did I think I’d see the day… so why the hell am I babysitting her and not you?’

  ‘I’m meeting Alex… we’re going to sort out a bastard from her past… I want her as far away as fucking possible… do you think you can do that for me, dude?’

  ‘Sure. I’m good at running from my past, I sure as hell can do the same for Bella… sorry… Frankie,’ he replied with a laugh.

  ‘Thanks, Brock… say hi to Max for me… I’ll contact ya soon.’

  ‘Just get the fuck back to California like ASAP, we have a race to train for and win.’

  ‘Got it… See ya.’ I pressed the call end button.

  Pulling the bike over I reached into my pocket, fished out Bella’s phone and opened it. The photo that came up had me fucking reeling. It was a photo of me sleeping next to her on the goddamn waterbed. It hit me in the gut like a sucker punch. I pushed up the arms on my bike leathers and squeezed my wrist cuffs to my skin, feeling a sense of calm as the scar tissue was scuffed. I could feel my knife in my boot, behind my tendon, teasing my bare skin with its soft leather sheath.

  I sent Frankie a quick text. I knew Alex would be pissed with me, for waking her early, but knowing her she would be awake anyway and worried about everyone else.

  Phone her please. She needs you, chocolate drop. Call my cell, I’ve got hers. Nathan. I dropped the phone back into my pocket.

  Instinct took over as I revved the bike again and pulled out as fast as I could, racing towards my brothers and the bastard that I was going to tear a new fucking asshole, but only if he pleaded with me nicely.

  BELLA

  The sense of loss was overwhelming. The room was devoid of the one presence I needed and wanted in my life. I had cried non-stop for what seemed like hours. The sobs leaving my body had physically wracked through me. Never before had I been so stupid in trying to protect myself.