by Audra Cole
I knew in the long run being married, and even starting a family, would only help my career, especially if I could find a wife who would help network and play the social game. Something I wasn’t particularly good at. Karena was a sweet girl and talked about a lot of friends. There wasn’t a shadow of a doubt that she would find her niche on base and make new—hopefully advantageous—friendships.
The debate between telling her about the meeting was still playing out in my mind, when her gorgeous face lit up my screen. Her easy smile greeted me and warmed me through. “Hey soldier.”
My heart raced and my body went on high alert at the sight of her. It was overwhelming how intensely I wanted her. I wasn’t sure if it was the distance between us, or our easy, flirtatious connection, or a combination of the two, but I knew I’d never been so absolutely crazy for a woman before. “Hey gorgeous. How’s the day treatin’ ya?” My eyes raked over every inch of her that I could see, and I longed for more.
“Pretty good. I have the day off, so I’m just sitting around eating bonbons, you know, the life of luxury.”
“Niiice.” I laughed. “I wish I was there to really pamper you.”
Her cheeks flushed and I smiled even wider, loving the small moments when I could catch her off guard. She was an intoxicating mix of boldness and shyness. Most of the time she was outgoing and forward, but there were times were a carefully placed suggestion could make her blush like a schoolgirl. Those moments set my mind and body on fire, wondering just what it would be like to have her in my arms and push her to new limits.
“And just how would you go about that?” She asked, her spunky side returning with the bat of an eye.
I reclined back and paused for dramatic effect, hoping her mind was running just as wild as mine was. “Well, for starters, you’d probably need some wine. Do you like wine?”
She held up a glass that had been hidden off screen and I chuckled. “All right, wine it is. After that, I imagine a massage might be a good place to go. Something slow and…intense.”
“Mmmm.”
I swallowed hard at the sound of pleasure from her lips and the way she closed her eyes, imagining what it would feel like to run my fingers down her cheek, along her jaw, over her full lips.
“Would you like that?” I asked, hardly hearing my voice over my thundering pulse.
Her eyes opened and locked on mine. “I would.”
We stared at each other for a moment, unblinking. “Someday,” I said, unable to get my voice much above a whisper.
She nodded. “Someday.”
I cleared my throat and straightened in my chair. “Maybe now would be a good time to talk about that.”
“About?”
“This mysterious someday that we keep referring to.”
She smiled. “All right, shoot.”
“I don’t think it’s any secret that I’m crazy about you, Karena.”
She gasped, feigning shock, but it melted away in a wave of giggles. “No, not really. If you were actually trying to keep that a secret, I’d call your Colonel and tell him to keep you away from any classified documents for sure.”
“Yeah, yeah,” I said, laughing along with her. “I don’t know about you, but this is all uncharted for me. I never expected to meet someone like you and now that I have, I find myself wondering what to do next.”
Karena’s smile faded, but her eyes remained wide and bright, illuminated with wonder.
I pressed on. “I’ve been very open about my intentions, from the moment I wrote that dating profile. I know we’ve both shared our thoughts on marriage, but it’s been in a very hands-off fashion. And, I want to change that. I don’t want to talk in terms of somedays anymore. I want to talk about today. You and me.”
“Colton, I—”
“Hold on,” I interjected, holding up a hand. “Let me get this all out there. I don’t want to sound like a dick, but this has been rattling around my mind for a while, and I need to get it all out there before I lose it. Karena, you and I want the same things from life, as far as I can tell. We have a great connection, better than I could have ever imagined. I know it’s fast, and it might scare you off to even say this, but I think we have a shot at making this thing work.”
Karena backed off from her camera, her face suddenly hidden in the shadows of whatever dimly lit room she was in. I couldn’t see her eyes and had no way of reading her thoughts, but a darkness slammed into me at her retreat. My heart hammered away in my chest, faster than before, as I waited in the silence. I had put it all out there, every ineloquent, wild idea, and she was fading away.
“Can you come into the light again? I need to see you,” I fought against the adrenaline running through my system, to keep my voice calm. Karena sat forward and the conflicted look on her face confirmed my fears. I was losing her. “Tell me what you’re thinking.”
She shrugged and opened her mouth, but no sound came out. She closed her eyes for a moment, and when they opened again, I saw a glimmer, as though they were slick with tears. “Colton, I swear, I’m not trying to pull some bait and switch on you, but I don’t know if I’m ready to have this conversation with you.”
“Just tell me what you’re thinking.” I paused, taking a steeling breath. “We can figure it out together, but I have to know where you are with everything.”
She sucked in her lower lip, holding it for a moment, before releasing a long exhale. When she started speaking again, her voice was firmer, “Colton, I’m crazy about you too, but this whole thing has completely caught me off guard. I mean, how can we even be having this conversation when we haven’t met in person? Sure, we have this crazy chemistry here, now…like this. But, what guarantee do we have it will translate in real life?”
“I don’t have even a shadow of doubt about that part, Karena. You’re smart, funny as hell, and you’re the sexiest woman I’ve ever seen.” She blushed at the compliment and I smiled. Maybe it wasn’t all lost. “It will work in real life just fine. You have to trust me. Trust us. We might be brand new at this, but hell, the way I see it, we have a lot more of a foundation than a lot of other couples when they’re starting out.”
She arched a thin brow at me as she leaned in to the camera, regaining her original position. “What is it that you’re asking then?”
“In the beginning, I said I was looking for a wife. I need someone who will commit to me, black and white, till death do we part. I only plan on gettin’ hitched once, and I need that woman to understand that it’s forever.”
Karena nodded slowly. “I think that’s what everyone wants. I don’t think anyone goes into it wanting to half ass it, it just happens over time.”
“I know, but remember what you said when we were first emailing? You said something about a contract, like marriage should be more like that. It should be a commitment, not only when it’s convenient and fun, but forever. That’s what I want. With you. I’ll have your back and support you while you chase your dreams and in turn, you’ll have my back, and help me as I strive for my own dreams. And then, together, we can build on that and have the life we’ve always wanted.”
Karena smiled, but there was a twinge of sadness to it. Something dark and uncertain in her eyes. “It’s not that easy, Colton.” Her voice was a horse whisper, thick with emotion.
“It is if we say it is. Like what you said, we’re not going into this with some fantasy version of love and romance. We like each other, we want the same things out of life, and we’re both honest enough with each other to keep things real. I get that it’s not the conventional route to a marriage, but I don’t think either of us is really looking for conventional. We’ve both seen how that normally goes. The couple start off pie in the sky, thinking everything will be rainbows and butterflies, and then when it turns out that life is hard and people are imperfect, they cut and run. We already know it won’t be perfect, but we can choose to view it as a partnership, a mutually beneficial relationship that gets each of us to the things we want for ou
rselves.”
Karena was so still that for a split second, I thought her video connection was frozen. She came to life again with a sudden start. “Colton, that was my doorbell, I gotta go. Listen, um,” she paused to look over her shoulder. “We can talk about this later, okay?”
“Karena—”
The screen went dark, an unceremonious blip ringing from the speakers as the call cut out.
Damn! She was gone.
* * * *
Things with Karena had gone radio silent since our last video call, and by the third day of no contact, I finally scraped up enough courage to admit it was over.
I was officially back at square one.
To kill time, I scanned back through the old responses my dating profile had received, but I couldn’t talk myself into responding to any of them. None of them came close to Karena’s wit and spark.
I went through the motions of each day, keeping a stoic face when around my fellow soldiers. I even managed to fool Lucas and Miles into believing that everything was normal.
The only one who knew the truth was me.
I had to live with the ripped up, raw, wrecked feelings that losing Karena had left me with. As much as I tried to stop myself, I spent hours pouring through our old email and text messages, like some kind of sick, self-inflicted torture. Since our final conversation, I’d tried calling, and had even sent a handful of text messages, but they went unanswered.
Over the weekend, I forced myself to write out one final message. I made myself promise that if I still didn’t hear anything, I’d erase all traces of Karena from my life—all emails, texts, and pictures—and move on without her.
Karena,
I’ve tried to tell myself that you’re just busy with work, or that you’ve been spending more time with friends and haven’t had time to chat. Anything—no matter how implausible—sounds better than admitting I screwed everything up.
On the one hand, I stand by what I said. I was upfront about my intentions from the very first message I posted. You knew what I was looking for before you even hit send.
However, my recent attempt to express my desires to you probably didn’t come across the right way. I believe I also warned you that I’m a far cry from a Casanova, and am rusty in the relationship department.
So, this email will serve as my final attempt to express myself, in hopes that you haven’t given up on me—on us—completely.
Meeting you has completely flipped everything on its head and since our first video chat, I’ve found it impossible to concentrate or find enjoyment in my normal day to day life. Everything revolves around when I get to talk to you or see your face again. You light up my life and bring something to it that I didn’t even know was missing.
I joined the military when I was in my final year of high school, and since then, it’s been my entire life. When I gave up that football scholarship, that was a commitment to the Army and to getting myself up the ladder as quickly as humanly possible and to do that, I had to give it 100% of my time, energy, and will power. It’s only been recently that I’ve even made room for anything else, and right at the moment, there you are.
I don’t believe in coincidence or luck. I believe things happen for a reason, and that you and I crossed paths for something that’s bigger than either one of us. I don’t think I said that in our last conversation. I was nervous and said a lot of things, but somehow, I missed that part. The personal part.
All of that to say, I care about you and I know, beyond a shadow of doubt, that there is a reason we met, and that we could build something real together. It won’t be perfect, but if you’re willing, I will give you everything I have to make it as close to perfect as possible.
I’m crazy about you, and beyond the perfection of the timing and what we could offer each other, the most important part is that I want to be with you. I want to make you laugh. I want to make your life easier. I want to take care of you.
If you’ll have me, I’m yours.
Please, Karena, don’t give up on me yet.
Colton
Chapter Eleven: Karena
I wasn’t sure what the final straw was—it could have been the past three restless nights with little to no sleep, my pathetic excuse of a paycheck, the lecture from Mary about a stack of unfolded discards, or the comment about my mismatched stockings from a snooty client—all I knew was that by noon, I was huddled in a ball, in an abandoned fitting room, drowning in a sloppy mess of tears. I stifled a sniffle at the sound of high heels tapping on the other side.
“Excuse me, but is everything all right in there?” Becca’s sweet voice rang out after a soft knock on the slatted door.
I sniffled back a wave of tears. “It’s me, Becs.”
She tried the handle, but I’d locked it. I swiped away my tears at the jangle of keys. Becca unlocked the door, and cracked it open, her eyes wide with alarm. “Karena?” She swooped into the room and the door slapped shut behind her. She knelt down beside me, carefully smoothing her skirt under her knees. “What’s wrong?”
I laughed bitterly and swiped away the pools of tears on my cheeks. “Everything.”
Becca peeked over her shoulder, unsure of how much time we had before Mary realized we were missing in action. She looked back at me and bit her lip nervously. “Okay. Well, let’s start at the beginning.”
I shook my head. I couldn’t identify a clear beginning. Everything was so mashed together into one big ball of crap it was impossible to pinpoint what had broken me down into a puddle on the floor.
“Is it about that guy you were talking to? Colton, right?” Becca ventured.
I sighed and forced myself to nod. “He’s on the list of problems.”
“I’m sorry.” Becca brushed back a strand of my hair and I bristled. I didn’t want her to fix me or put me back together. I needed a minute to be a mess. I couldn’t go on pretending that my life was one big bowl of peaches and cream.
I batted her away and she folded her hands together in her lap. Her eyes were still wide and full of pity, but she waited quietly for me to begin. I heaved a long sigh and wiped away a fresh batch of tears, before I laid out my problems in a tidy, bullet pointed list. “I have zero dollars to my name, and my latest joke of a check isn’t going to even cover the basics this month. None of the other jobs I’ve applied for have called me back. I need to go back to school if I’m ever going to get anywhere. But one, I can’t afford it, and two, I don’t have time. So, I’m pretty much doomed to this never ending cycle. Then, yes, there’s Colton. Becs, he’s this amazing, ridiculously hot man that wants to talk about marriage, and uses terms like “build a life together” and I’m tempted to throw all my caution flags out the window and just go for it, but it would be for all the wrong reasons. I’m sure that would eventually blow up in my face anyway, and then I’d be right back here again, crying in a fitting room, waiting to be discovered by my boss who will rip me a new one because I’m not out there stuffing cashmere scarves and sapphire encrusted clutches in every client’s bag!”
I stopped to take a breath and another sob burst out of my mouth, an ungraceful moan. “God, I’m so pathetic. I mean really. This is ridiculous.”
“Come on, Karena, cut yourself some slack. You’re not Wonder Woman, no matter how much you try to pretend you are. You’re human, okay? And humans have problems. And sometimes those problems catch up to us and make everything look much worse than they really are. Come on, get up.” Becca helped me as I pushed off the floor.
I turned to the full length mirror and started dabbing at the smudged makeup under my eyes. Becca left for a moment and came back with tissues and the compact she always kept in her purse. I took them and offered a quiet thanks before turning back to the mirror and patching up my makeup job as best as I could, using Becca’s foundation powder that was a couple shades lighter than my usual base.
Becca stood by my side as I pulled myself together and when I finished, she ran a hand down my back in a soothing circular m
otion. “It’s going to be all right. I can loan you some money and this weekend, I’ll come over and help you polish your resume and find some new places to apply. We can figure this out, Karena. You’re not alone.”
I wrapped my arms around my beautiful friend and took a long, calming breath. “Thanks, Becs.”
When I released her, she gave me a curious glance. “There’s one part I’m not sure I understood correctly,” she started, gesturing at the ground. “Did you say he asked you to marry him?”
“Basically,” I admitted, flushing with a flare of embarrassment at the confession. “I’m sure he wasn’t serious though, but it just got me thinking about marriage and what I want in the future, and…” I let my thoughts trail off. It was a lie. I knew Colton had been serious. We could laugh and joke around with each other, but I also had come to know him well enough in the short amount of time we’d been talking, to know that he hadn’t been joking a few nights ago when he’d brought it up.
Becca steered me back out to the main personal shopping area, and we went to the scheduling desk to prepare for the next flood of clients.
She stopped at the desk and turned back to me, a smile on her face. “I would hope it was a joke! Heavens, you guys have only been talking for, what did you say? A week? Two?”
“Yeah,” I answered, my tone and expression non-committal. I looked down at the screen and hoped that my act was convincing enough to get her to drop it. I didn’t want to talk—or think—about Colton anymore.
* * * *
After work, I declined Becca’s invitation to go out to dinner and hurried home. The rest of the day had been busy enough to keep my mind off of Colton—but I knew I couldn’t avoid him forever. I needed to come clean and tell him how I felt. We may not have known each other a long time, but we had shared something real, and I knew I owed him an explanation for my disappearing act.