For Both Are Infinite (Hearts in London Book 1)

by Stephanie Alba

  Love, Rhys.

  Below his handwriting was a copy of e.e. cummings’ I carry your heart (I carry it in my heart). There’s no way Rhys could have known that was one of my favorite poems, nor could he have known that I barely made it through reading it at Aaron’s funeral, but that was Rhys. He was impeccable; understood me in ways I could never understand myself, and he was constantly a pleasant surprise. I told him about the poem and how much it meant, but the first thing I said was, “I love this and I will gladly wear it. It’s so beautiful, Rhys.” I paused to grab his hand. “Not just the necklace, the message, too.”

  He nodded. “Here,” he said scooting closer to me. “Let me put it on for you.”

  Rhys removed it from the box and after moving my hair away he slipped it on. Then he knelt in front of me and took it in, touching the pendant with his fingertips before looking into my eyes. “You look nice wearing my heart,” he mentioned shyly.

  “It’s nice wearing it. Thank you, sweetheart.”

  “You’re welcome.”

  “Here, I have one more…and now that you gave me this, I don’t feel bad spending the money.”

  “What does that mean?” he asked, his brows bunching together.

  “Just open it.”

  Rhys removed the wrapping paper that revealed a guidebook for Naples, Italy. At first he seemed confused considering I’d hinted at an expensive gift, but when I instructed him to open the first page, he saw it and looked up with his mouth agape. “You didn’t,” he said.

  “I did actually. Have you ever been?”

  “No, I’ve been to Rome, but both times were for promotions. Ellie, this is too expensive.” He looked back and forth between me, and the reservations I’d made for a trip.

  I shook my head. “No, you don’t get to determine that. I want to take you and it’s a vacation for me, too.”

  Rhys gave in and looked back down at the book, flipping through the pages and handling our tickets. Something in the way he held them and pursed his lips told me that it had been a long time since anyone did something special for him, something that wasn’t related to his fame or career. He seemed a little bashful about how touched he was, and then he looked up at me.

  “This is wonderful, love. I guess we’re going to Italy,” he smiled broadly.

  “We are,” I winked, overjoyed that he let me spoil him for once. “Merry Christmas, Rhys.”

  “Happy Christmas, Ellie.”

  ∞

  Later that morning, we Skyped with my parents and Anne. He had sent my parents plane tickets to come visit us, promising to take them to Scotland, but Anne’s gift was the best. The big item had been sitting in her apartment for days with specific instructions not to open until we could video chat. When she unwrapped the large cardboard cut out of Michael Fassbender, she laughed so hard she had to run to pee mid call. It may have been a gift for her, but it felt like a gift for me to see my love and best friend getting along so well.

  I also called Max and Julie, since I had always spent Christmas with them, to discover that Rhys had sent them gifts as well. He bought Max signed copies of every James Bond movie and got Julie some signed books she loved. She snatched the phone from Max halfway through the call and asked if I knew about the card he’d sent. I didn’t, but she said it made her cry and that she couldn’t believe how amazing Rhys was. When I begged her to tell me what he had written, she told me I needed to hear it from him.

  After hanging up I walked into the living room where Rhys was watching A Christmas Story. He looked up as I entered and muted it when I sat beside him.

  “I’ve always loved this movie,” he said, avoiding eye contact. He knew I’d been on the phone with my pseudo in-laws.

  “Really, I find it obnoxious,” I smirked. I was being playful in the hope that he would see my mood was light.

  “How were they?” He looked over to me.

  “They were good,” I smiled.

  “Good, I’m glad.”

  I grabbed his hand and tickled his palm hoping to get more out of him. “They said you sent them gifts, to relay their thanks. But they mentioned you wrote them a card…”

  Rhys looked at me more intently, staring into my eyes. “It was nothing. They’re superb people, and your family.”

  My heart ached whenever he spoke of them. You expect your boyfriend to like your parents, even if it was for show, but you never expect your boyfriend to love your deceased fiancé’s parents. Not in my most absurd hopes did I expect that the person after Aaron could be so magnificent. I took a deep breath before asking, “Can you tell me what it said, Rhys?”

  He looked away and began fiddling with a stray string that had escaped the seam of his pants. I waited patiently, and Rhys sighed. “I just told them I was thinking of them at Christmas. That I thought highly of them and hoped they liked the gifts. I explained how incredibly sorry I am for their loss and know it must be difficult, especially during Christmas, but that they were in my thoughts. I mentioned that it’s not my intention to replace Aaron in your life or theirs, but that I hoped they knew how much I love their daughter-in-law, and hope that one day they’d grow to love me as a makeshift son. I reminded them that their son was an important part of our lives though he isn’t here physically, but told them he matters, even to me.”

  Only after he finished did he look into my eyes to see that I was overcome with emotion. I blinked repeatedly as I stared back, trying to clear the water from my eyes caused by the tears that slowly streamed down my cheeks. Rhys couldn’t place the cause of my tears, unsure if I was upset that Aaron was gone, if I felt he’d overstepped a boundary, or something else. I could see a lack of self-belief in his, making him doubt his choices. He even seemed embarrassed.

  “That is the kindest thing I’ve ever heard,” I said, licking a tear off my lips. “Rhys, I just love…thank you for that.”

  “You’re not upset that I did it without your knowing?”

  “No, it wasn’t about me, it was about you and them. But I have to tell you something really important.” The worry crept back into his eyes and I put my hand on his chest and leaned over. “I love my necklace, and the books, but this is the best gift I’ve ever received.” I patted the skin above his heart and he smiled softly.

  Very clumsily, I fell into his lap and looked up to study the freckles on his cheekbones, faint ones that added character along with his stubble and laugh lines. I caressed his cheeks and he lowered his mouth to mine, kissing me so gently it relaxed every bone and muscle in my body. We continued in that rhythm for a while, not caring about time, or the telly, or how he’d be leaving in a few weeks, and after a while we contentedly fell asleep.

  ∞

  Aaron and I often spent Christmas dinner at his parents. After years together, mine joined us, which made it easier to see everyone in one day. But in the two years that followed his death, we got together without him at my house instead. My parents’ home was empty of Christmas dinner memories, making it easier to ignore the void we all felt. It never worked though and that third holiday without him would’ve been just as sad, empty, and most of all, forced. So when Catherine invited me months ago, she couldn’t have known how significant it would be.

  Catherine’s home was warm, filled with brightly colored walls and a loud family untouched by a practical separation. The air was filled with the scent of cooking meats and pudding, and you could hear laughter, both old and young, trailing in the next room. Rhys removed my coat and glanced at my emerald green cocktail dress, humming pleasurably when I turned to face him.

  “I love this color on you,” he said to my questioning glance. I blushed as he caressed my cheek, tilting his lips up when we heard a child’s high-pitched giggle in the distance. “Are you ready?” he offered his hand. I nodded and weaved my fingers through his.

  On the floor of the reception room were two little girls jumping atop an older gentleman, I assumed was Rhys’ father. The sight set my nerves at ease and warmed my heart, making m
e immediately feel at home among those strangers. They all looked up as we entered the room and Catherine jumped to her feet, shouting, “Oh, I’m so glad you’re here!”

  She wrapped me into her broad bosom and squished me against her.

  “Merry Christmas, Catherine,” I offered.

  She pulled away. “Happy Christmas, Ellie. Here, let me introduce you to everyone.”

  Catherine hurriedly grabbed my arm and started walking me around the room when Rhys interrupted her, “Mum! Aren’t you going to wish me a Happy Christmas?”

  She didn’t miss a beat, putting her hands on her waist, saying, “Excuse me son, Happy Christmas,” and then grunted to continue introducing me to the family. Rhys accepted defeat and rolled his eyes, laughing as she guided me to each family member. One by one I was introduced to Rhys’ father, Freddy, his older sister, Samantha, and her husband, Randall, their two daughters, Sophie and Emily, and Rhys’ youngest sister, Lena, who was only a year older than I am.

  They all watched me with shining eyes as if they already knew me, as if Rhys had told them everything and how much I mattered to him. His youngest sister, Lena, stood up for dinner and confirmed my presumption. Moving to my side she said, “I’m glad he’s finally sharing. Rhys hasn’t stopped mentioning you for weeks, but don’t worry,” she winked, “we’re all even nicer than he is.”

  The night only became more familial. Catherine forced the men to bring dishes into the dining room and I sat with the ladies at the table. Samantha broke the ice by telling me she loved Shakespeare and was interested in sitting in on one of my courses, lighting up when I said I’d love to have her. Rhys came in and out a couple of times and would squeeze my hand, grip my shoulder or brush my hair, giving me small affectionate reassurances any chance he could. It didn’t go unnoticed by his sisters who were both grinning impishly.

  We indulged in traditional English food and, despite that Catherine was wealthy, the meal was served by family and enjoyed just the same. I got to know them well, watching their boisterous and silly dynamics to discover a family that picked on each other, shouted over one another, and joked about everything. They were happy, and it made me love Rhys even more to see where he’d come from, to have evidence that explained why he was so jovial and made me feel the same. I got along well with Lena, who loved a lot of the same bands that I did, and promised to go to shows with me. I witnessed Rhys playing with his nieces, whom he called Princess Emily and Princess Sophie leaving me to consider what he would be like as a father. I knew it was something he longed for with me, and though I hadn’t thought of it since losing Aaron, seeing him rolling around with them made me consider how nice it could be someday.

  We eventually made our way to the tree where they opened gifts. I had bought them all books that Rhys suggested, and they were very grateful for them. I was caught off guard when Sophie placed a gift in my lap and said, “For you, Princess Ellie.”

  Most of the family had been distracted by their own gifts, but Rhys was watching me closely and smiling. It wasn’t from him though, because it was signed by Catherine. I opened it to find the loveliest tartan scarf, and running my fingers through the fabric made me teary. I knew it was Catherine’s family tartan, her way of making me feel like part of the family and a lump formed in my throat. I looked at her and said, “Thank you, Catherine,” and she nodded warmly. I’d come to London to be alone, to escape my heartbreak, only to have it mended and loved by a family I couldn’t have been luckier to have. It was a happy Christmas indeed.

  CHAPTER TWENTY-THREE

  If there was something I was certain of, it was that Rhys loved his job and was gracious for his opportunities. But in the days after Christmas I saw him battle loving his career, while hating that it would separate us. I recalled how often he mentioned the isolation that came with it, and how he longed for someone to talk to at the end of the day. He wanted a soul mate, or something like it, and had told me as much on Christmas Day at his mother’s house.

  But in being his soul mate, Rhys dreaded his upcoming film more and more. Two days before the New Year we were reading on the couch, facing each other with our legs tangled. He had held that lingering struggle in his eyes for days, and it had been driving me crazy to the point where I couldn’t take it anymore. I only hesitated bringing it up before because I didn’t want to be the downer.

  “Are we going to talk about it?”

  His eyes lifted from the pages and met my gaze. “About what?”

  “You know what,” I nudged his feet with mine.

  Sighing dramatically, Rhys responded, “I thought you wanted to wait until the New Year?”

  “I changed my mind. Let’s talk about it now.” I sat up straighter and inched closer, indicating that I wasn’t backing down. Rhys closed his book and gave me his full attention. “I know you leave the fifteenth, but when do you return?”

  “Assuming all goes accordingly, March tenth at the latest.”

  God, that sounded so far away. I didn’t vocalize it, but Rhys noticed the way my face fell. “And you don’t come home before at all?”

  “I’ll have one day off a week, there’s no way.”

  “Right,” I said.

  Rhys tilted his head sadly, knowing that it was a lost cause. It must have been frustrating to have a career that was seemingly perfect to the public, but took you away from people that mattered most. I couldn’t imagine what it was like for actors that had families and then I worried about a future that wasn’t even set in stone. His face suddenly perked up and his eyes gained some lightness again. “Would you let me fly you out, should your schedule allow it?”

  My expression mirrored his. “Maybe. I have long weekends again. It could work.”

  “So, you’ll let me pay without a fight?”

  “Yeah, I know you’re good for it,” I winked, lightening the mood.

  Rhys tossed his head back and laughed light heartedly like he hadn’t for a few days. “Fair enough. Pick a weekend and we will make it happen. I’ll make sure to coordinate on set as best as possible.”

  “Okay, I’ll give you a date this week.”

  Rhys seemed lighter, but the lingering silence told me he had more to say and was holding back. “Out with it,” I said.

  “Just,” he hesitated. “Keep in mind this will be difficult. Long distance relationships are hard, and the time difference won’t help. But please, don’t forget how much I love you while I’m gone. This is part of my life and work, and at times I’ll have to travel, often. It’s just as arduous for me. I’ve never been in this deep or loved someone this much, let alone with this type of schedule.”

  There I saw the rarely vulnerable Rhys that always broke my heart. “Sweetheart, we’ll manage. We can video chat and text a lot, and I’ll come see you. We’ll be fine.”

  “You’re being so positive,” he said, squinting his eyes.

  “I love you, what choice do I have?”

  “I suppose,” he sighed. “Just don’t forget, okay?”

  There was a pleading in his voice, the same one I’d heard from behind my door a few times. But this was worse because he had done nothing wrong and was just awfully distraught to leave. I crawled into his lap and wrapped myself around him, memorizing the feel of him, his grip, his scent, all of it. I was troubled by the days ahead, because if Rhys was scared, maybe it meant that I should have been too.

  ∞

  We made a promise that night to get out of the house and enjoy our time. I was going to be alone when he left, so I told him I’d rather not mope with him. We attended shows and visited tourist attractions neither of us had been to, and for New Year’s Eve Rhys braved the crowds and took me to watch the London Eye’s countdown. We had to stand around for two hours, squished by other people and drinking tea to stay warm, but it was still wonderful.

  Just a few minutes to midnight Rhys held me from behind and wrapped his coat and arms around me. With his head on my shoulder he said, “I love that I get to kiss you at midnight
.”

  I hummed in agreement and he continued, “I love that we have each other for all these little things; Christmas, movie nights, dinner, your hand to hold in mine…” he squeezed our overlapping hands around my waist. “Can you believe it’s already been half a year?” I nodded, though I couldn’t believe it. Time had been flying by and now without him it was going to freeze.

  “Ellie, everything is going to be fine. You believe me right?”

  “I do,” I lied. After he had mentioned his own fears, mine had grown and taken over my better judgment.

  We stood quietly those last two minutes of the year and I thought of Aaron and all our new years, the promise of tomorrow they had falsely held, especially the last one knowing our wedding would be that summer. It was scary how quickly things could change, but things happened for a reason. I just hated how nothing was guaranteed; no matter what Rhys or I wanted, we had no certainty over the future or our fate.

  Thank god in a way, because if I had control of my fate I wouldn’t have Rhys or had brought him into my heart. It was that lack of control that allowed me to move forward. It’s what brought me to that moment where he brought me back to life.

  When the fireworks went off in a large, sparkling spiral, I was awestruck. It was blindingly bright, yet I couldn’t look away at how beautiful it was. With a mixture of bittersweet tears in my eyes, Rhys kissed me tenderly at midnight, as the fireworks continued creating a glitter-like rain around us. There were so many sentiments in that kiss: a new year together, a year filled with vacations and love, and trials and challenges, but most of all togetherness. Whether physically or in our hearts, we were united.

  ∞

  Before we knew it, it was our last two days together. Rhys had been like a second skin since Christmas and I was perfectly content with that. I enjoyed his extra kisses and caresses and being naked for the majority of it, but there was desperation in the way he held me, and weight in his shoulders, too. I knew he regretted taking the film despite that he had signed on long before we met, with no idea I would invade his world.