by T. K. Rapp
“I had no idea you were so bad at poker,” Wyatt teased.
“You were out before me,” I laughed.
We looked over at our friends, who were deep into the next round—Jolie with a pair of sunglasses on, Dallas doing his best to cover his eyes with a baseball cap, and Callie surprising us all with her natural talent for the game.
“They’re insanely serious over there,” I said, nodding my head at the table where they sat.
“Yeah, I feel like we were taken,” Wyatt added.
“Maybe I’m really a better poker player than you think I am.”
“Are you trying to bluff me right now?” He raised his brow and smirked like he was trying to figure me out.
That’s probably why I lost—I have no poker face.
“Thank God we’re only playing with change,” I laughed. “Do you think any of them would do good in Vegas?”
“Not a chance in hell.”
“Yeah, I agree.”
“We can hear you,” Callie said. “And I’m damn good. I’d take Vegas.”
“How much have you had to drink?” I asked with a laugh.
“Are you busy tomorrow?” Wyatt asked, catching me off guard.
“I…well, I’m supposed to…”
“C’mon. You can do better than that,” he said playfully.
“I think we’re out of beer,” Jolie said, her eyes burning holes into her cards. “Can you two run to the store to get more? There’s cash in my purse.”
“I think we have some at our place,” Wyatt said.
“Nope. We’re out, too,” Dallas said, staring at Callie.
“All right. We’ll be back,” Wyatt answered.
I looked over at the three of them and waited for someone to look at me, to let me know it was a conspiracy, but they were too busy.
Wyatt walked over and held the door open for me and I followed. As we made our way down the stairs, there was an uncomfortable silence that I wanted to fill, but I was at a loss.
“You never answered my question,” Wyatt finally said.
“About?”
Rather than answer my stupid question, he looked over and gave me that “You’re trying to be stupid, but you’re not, so maybe you really are” look. I rolled my eyes, feeling every bit as stupid as I should have.
“There was more I wanted to show you.”
“Oh yeah? Like what?”
“I want to show you one of my favorite places out here.”
“Are you planning on turning me into a scientologist?” I gasped. “I knew there was something wrong with you.”
“No,” he chuckled. “Maybe for our second date. I have to make sure you’re normal first.”
“Date?”
“I’m kidding… You wish it was date.” He winked.
“In your dreams, cowboy.”
“Fine. Then I wouldn’t take you there until our second hang out.”
“You’re a charmer, aren’t you?”
“Is that a yes?”
We were at the front door of our building, stepping onto the sidewalk, and I hadn’t answered. Wyatt made it fun, and could pull me into something I wasn’t ready for if I wasn’t careful.
Fortunately for me, my guard was safely in place, keeping all potential interests—good and bad—at a safe distance.
It was busy outside, people walking the streets and cars whizzing by every few seconds. I loved living in the city; even the noise was something that lulled me to sleep every night.
We were walking toward the liquor store down the road, crossing over a side street, when I felt Wyatt’s hand wrap around mine. I tried to shake it off, but he squeezed tighter. And when I heard the group of people across the street arguing, their voices rising to high levels, I realized the gesture wasn’t romantic.
As we walked into Angel’s Liquor, he let go of my hand and I was relieved. Wyatt walked toward the wall in the back where the beer was, and I headed straight for the vodka.
I found myself glancing in his direction, checking him out. He was so attractive, and I felt a strong pull to him the more time we spent together. But Wyatt was always on, always flirting and making his intentions known. And I was much the same, only not reciprocating.
When I found a cheap vodka that I knew would do the trick, I grabbed it off the shelf, only to hear Wyatt’s voice close to my ear.
“You’re going to have a nasty hangover in the morning with that one.”
He took the bottle from my hand and grabbed one of the other more expensive bottles instead. The cashier began ringing up the alcohol and Wyatt paid before I could get my money out.
“I was actually planning on going somewhere tomorrow, but you’re welcome to come with,” I said as we started walking outside.
“What were you planning on doing?” he asked.
“Nope. Are you in or you out?” I asked.
He continued walking and looked down at me before shrugging. “I guess I’m in.”
***
“Where are you headed so early this morning?” Jolie asked as she stumbled out of her room.
“I’m going to get a haircut.”
“A what?” Her eyes widened. “Sit. Let’s talk this out and not make any rash decisions.”
“It’s not rash. I want to make some changes and I’m starting with my hair.”
Jolie was waiting for me at the table and I handed her a coffee mug as I joined her. When we got back with the beer, Wyatt and I had played another two hands before calling it a night. I woke up once around one and heard the ruckus coming from the living room and knew the other three were going strong. By the looks of Jolie, it was a rough night.
“Just give me a second to catch up here,” she said, taking a sip of coffee. “Let’s try makeup. Or maybe a makeover…but not a haircut.”
“It’s hair, Jo. It’ll grow back.”
“Okay, well let me get dressed and come with so I can make sure you don’t do something you’ll regret.”
“I’m leaving now,” I said quickly, grabbing my keys. “I’ll see you later.”
“What? Wait. You’re going alone? Why can’t I go?”
I turned to face her and then looked up at the ceiling. “Wyatt’s coming with me.”
“What? Are you serious?”
“Yeah. He wanted to do something today and I told him I had plans and invited him to tag along.”
“Wow. That’s some serious boyfriend shit right there,” she scoffed, her smile firmly in place.
“No it’s not,” I said defensively. “It’s a haircut.”
“Yeah, but guys don’t go for that crap unless they’re really into someone. I didn’t realize you decided to give him a shot. Where have I been?”
Jolie leaned back in her chair and looked disappointed with herself. We had both been so busy with work that the evenings were spent catching up on recorded television shows because we were too tired to actually communicate.
“We’re not dating. I already told him that I can’t jump back into that just yet. So we hung out yesterday. And now that I think about it, he doesn’t even know what he’s coming with me for.”
“Well, I guess that makes me feel a little better,” she said.
“I really have to go or I’ll be late.”
“Don’t go crazy. Sure, it’s just hair, but you’ll have to live with a bad haircut for months. And if it looks like shit, you know I’m going to tell you.”
“Yeah. I know.” I walked over and opened the door, looking back at her. “I’ll be back in a bit. Then you can decide what you think.”
I closed the door and walked to Dallas and Wyatt’s place, knocking on the door once. Wyatt answered, wearing shorts and a T-shirt, ready to go.
“What is it we’re doing today?” he asked.
“You might change your mind once I tell you,” I said, crinkling my nose.
“Now I’m worried.”
“I’m getting my hair cut today.”
“Oh. Okay. Well, let’s go.”
He shut the door behind him and I heard Jolie’s words echoing in my ears:
“That’s some serious boyfriend shit right there.”
“…guys don’t go for that crap unless they’re really into someone.”
I tried to push her words out of my head, but it was no use; they would haunt me all day.
***
Two hours later I was sporting a new, spunky, short hairdo that made me feel like a new woman. I didn’t plan to cut all of my hair off, but then I kept thinking about the length and the fact that I wasn’t doing anything with my hair anyway.
Wyatt waited in the lobby and I didn’t know what reaction to expect from him. But when I came out, he was speechless. A smile slowly crept onto his face and he nodded his approval.
“You look great,” he said. “Wow.”
“Thanks.”
“You’re making this friends thing really difficult,” he said as we left the salon.
“What?” I asked.
“Look at you. Any guy would be stupid not to be interested, and now you look…just…wow.”
“Stop,” I laughed. “You’re so full of it.”
“I’m serious, Vi. And you know it.”
“She did a damn good job, that’s all there is to it. Tomorrow I’ll try to style it like this, and it’s going to look like a hot mess. I’m not cool enough to get my hair to do this by myself.”
“I think you’d look good with a shaved head, so whatever you do fine,” he said.
It was another beautiful day and we were walking outside in the sunlight. Typically, I loved walking around and window-shopping, but having Wyatt by my side was a new experience. Sure, Will and I had spent time doing couple-y things, and this felt very couple-like.
I stopped when I saw a dress in a storefront window and feigned interest in it. Any other day, perhaps I would have liked it, but that day, too many other things were on my mind. When he realized I’d stopped, Wyatt turned around and walked over to stand next to me and stare at the dress. He was quiet and I took my opportunity to shut it down while I could.
“Wyatt, I love spending time with you. You’re a great guy and any girl would be lucky to be with you,” I said as kept my eyes trained on the mannequin.
“Can you add a few more clichés?” he huffed. “Maybe an ‘it’s not you, it’s me.’ Or the old, ‘we’ll always be friends.’”
“Don’t be like that,” I answered.
“I’m just trying to help you out.”
“I can’t give any more right now.”
“I’m not asking for any more. You’ve made it clear what you can and can’t do, and I respect that. But I’m not gonna lie and say that I’m not falling for you.”
“Who says that?” I said as I finally turned to face him. “You don’t know me. I mean, sure, we’re friends and we’ve become somewhat close…but who actually uses a line like that?”
“That’s your problem. You think that everything I say is a line, something to trick you. You’re standing in your own way, and I get it…I guess.”
“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean it like that.”
“Are we done here?” he asked.
I looked around and then back at him, shocked at his dismissive tone.
“Are we done?” I repeated, his words causing an ache in my chest.
“Yeah. Is there something else we were going to do?” he asked.
“No…that was it,” I answered.
“Well then…are you ready to go?”
He looked down at me and when I didn’t meet his eyes, he lowered himself until I was forced to look into his.
“Hello?”
“Yeah. I’m here. I mean, I’m ready.”
He draped his arm over my shoulder as we walked to the car and squeezed me playfully.
“You’re a pain in the ass, you know that?”
“You’re not mad at me?”
“Mad? No. Disappointed…yeah. But friends don’t always have to agree on everything.”
“So we’re friends?”
“What? Did you think we broke up?”
“Friends don’t break up,” I laughed.
“Then maybe you’re right—we’re probably better off as friends.”
When I got home that afternoon, Jolie and Callie went crazy over my new haircut. Both agreed that it made me look carefree and fun. I wanted so badly to feel that way. They were on their way out to do some shopping, and I declined the offer to join. For the first time in a while, I had a lot on my mind that I wanted to get on paper, so I pulled out my song journal and started writing. And when I was done, I looked at the words that had poured out of me and smiled.
Worthy
It started out as magic,
The day you looked at me.
It defied all sense of logic
That you were all I could see.
And for the first time I felt worthy.
I was drawn in by your words
And the way you touched my heart.
You were brighter than the sun.
I was happy to be in your light.
The two of us together made one.
I should have seen it coming,
The day you changed my world.
Your lies were so convincing
It was easy to ignore.
How could I have been so blind
To put your needs before mine?
You ripped me up.
You tossed me aside.
Every word was a part of your story
And it was all a lie.
It hurts to recall time I wasted,
To convince myself that I was worthy.
You loved what I could give you
But you never gave enough.
You were happy to keep me in the dark
And it was there I lost myself.
Loving you was painful and
Left an indelible mark.
Memories of you are tainted
Despite the hurt that’s slowly faded
I am starting my own journey
To let you go
Because I am more than worthy.
The words were so raw and messy…completely nonsensical, but the fact that I’d gotten them out meant more than I realized.
I hugged the journal to my chest, feeling a small piece of myself restored.
Chapter 16
Later that week, I walked into String Beans and found Emma waiting on customers behind the counter. Despite the one night where she was short with me, she was a very sweet person and I liked her a lot. My heart went out to her when I realized what she felt for Wyatt, and considering that up to that point I had made myself unavailable, I decided to help her out.
“What can I get for you?” she asked with a smile that was a little too manufactured.
“Nothing. At least not right now.” I looked around and then leaned forward. “Can you take a break?”
“If this is about last week…”
“No. Well…yes, but no. Look, just give me a minute, okay?”
“Busy?” she called out to the other woman working the counter. “I’m taking my break early. Just come find me if you need me.”
She took her apron off and followed me to my usual spot. We sat down and I could tell that she was leery of my reason for talking to her. She could barely look me in the eye and kept looking over at the counter for an out. Unfortunately for her, there shop wasn’t busy and she wouldn’t be needed. Instead of beating around the bush, I went for it.
“Does he know?”
“Who?”
“Who?” I repeated and then scoffed. “Wyatt.”
“Does he know what?” she asked.
“That you have feelings for him?”
Her mouth opened as if she was about to argue, but then she clamped it shut and shook her head.
“You should tell him.”
What in the hell am I doing?
My head felt light and those inner voices that liked to remind me when I was being an idio
t weren’t just talking. They were screaming.
“He doesn’t see me like that,” she said quietly. Her shoulders sagged and my heart hurt for her. Then again, maybe it was just hurting for me and the huge mistake I was making.
I took a deep breath and smiled sadly at the woman in front of me. I convinced myself I was doing the right thing, and I believed it, until the words came out of my mouth.
“But you do, Emma. You like him, and you’ll never know if you don’t put yourself out there.”
The irony of my words was not lost on me. I was the worst type of hypocrite. I deserved the disappointment and heartbreak—Emma didn’t.
“Why are you doing this? Have you seen the way Wyatt looks at you? The way he’s looked at you since the day you walked in? I’d give anything to have him look at me like that.”
He looks at me like I’m the most interesting person in the room. Like I hold something that no one else does and he needs it. From me.
“You’d give anything, huh?” My voice sounded small and not nearly as sure as it was when I walked into the shop, but I powered through. “But yet, you’ve never told him how you feel?”
“I can’t. He’s my boss.”
“Then quit. And then tell him how you feel, if that’s what’s stopping you.”
Why won’t the words stop coming out of my mouth? Why am I trying so hard to convince her to do this?
Emma smiled and then looked at me with confusion. “You don’t feel anything for him?”
My breath caught in my chest and turned to an ache. Of course I felt something for him.
“We’re friends. I mean, of course he’s attractive and all that, but we’re just friends,” I lied.
“Attractive? He’s beautiful,” she gushed.
Her words stirred a feeling inside me that felt an awful lot like jealousy. It was as if she had stuck her hand into my chest and squeezed my heart with her sharp nails. I swallowed hard and tried to keep my neutral smile in place as she continued.
“I’ve dated some losers and some okay guys, so I know the good ones when I see them. Wyatt…he’s a good one. I mean, just look at what he did for his family.”