Ricochet

by Jessica Wilde

  Jack didn't respond, but I knew he was surprised with how much I actually knew about what they did when they weren't around me.

  "It's just that you have been planning on Alaska forever. You have all the money saved up. Why not just go?"

  "I can't use that money just yet," he said softly.

  "But you will. Right?"

  His blue green eyes shifted from the ground in front of him to lock with my boring browns. He had always said my eyes weren't just brown, but they were the color of melted chocolate swirled around with drizzles of caramel.

  He looked into my eyes, then down at my mouth before quickly moving back up. "I will. Eventually."

  "Good. Because there are beautiful things we can't see until the right time, in the right moment," I said with a smirk, repeating his words from earlier. "Don't miss it when you don't have to."

  I turned my face back up to the summer sky, letting the words sink in and hoping they were enough. I closed my eyes and waited for the next part. The part where I heard his quick intake of breath and the soft groan that followed. The sounds that had confused me for years anytime I heard them from him.

  But that part never came.

  Instead, I turned my gaze back to Jack, but he wasn't there and neither was my peaceful sanctuary. My heart thudded hard against my breast bone reminding me that I wasn't in control anymore.

  The world around me shifted until I found myself staring at the keychain laying next to me while my face was painfully pressed against the hard floor of my old apartment. A heavy weight settled on top of me and the last tendrils of pain reached me as the knife made its last cut.

  My eyes snapped open and without a conscious thought, my upper body shot up off the bed. The pain from my bruised ribs was sharp, but it didn't hold a candle to the memory of the pain from that night.

  My shirt was plastered to my skin as the sweat saturated every pore. I felt a bead of sweat crawl down my spine as I tried to catch my breath and hold back the sobs I was desperate to release. I didn't know if I had made any sound before I woke up.

  Footsteps were quickly making their way down the hall and the sound was like an earthquake as they came barreling towards me.

  "Ari?"

  Oh God, no. Please, no.

  "Arianna?"

  Jack slid to a stop beside the pull out couch, his chest heaving with exertion or… something. I couldn't really concentrate because of the panic I was still feeling and because Jack was shirtless.

  Flawless.

  It was dark enough that I couldn't take in all the details, like the tattoos that covered his chest and shoulders or the sprinkling of hair I knew would be following a line down to his low slung shorts. I couldn't see the details, but I could imagine them.

  "Ari?" Jack asked again, stepping closer to the edge of the mattress.

  I lifted the hand that wasn't pressed against my own chest and signaled for him to stop. "Just… just give me a minute," I gasped.

  He disappeared down the hall for several seconds. When he returned, he was pulling on a T-shirt to my disappointment. The mattress sank and his warm hand pressed against my back, sliding smoothly up and down until I had calmed enough to realize what had just happened. Jack had never frightened me before, especially now when I felt myself shrinking every time a man I didn't know looked at me. Jack was just Jack and his presence would probably never intimidate me. His touch would never frighten me.

  "Better?" Jack asked sleepily.

  "Yes. I'm so sorry I woke you."

  "Don't be. I'm here for you. I would hate myself if I stayed asleep when you needed me."

  Needed him? Did I need him?

  "You want to tell me about it?"

  I shook my head automatically. I hadn't ever wanted to talk about it. Then I saw his expression as he sat close to me in the darkness and I suddenly wanted it all out. I wanted every second of the memory just... gone. Telling him wouldn't make it go away, though.

  "It was just a nightmare. Nothing important. I think it affected me so bad because it started out so happy."

  "Tell me the happy part," Jack muttered and shifted next to me until he was sitting fully on the mattress. He rested his head back against the wall and I could feel his eyes on me, waiting for me to speak.

  "It was my birthday party."

  "Which one?"

  "When I turned fifteen. You remember that?"

  "God, yes. I remember every single birthday party I came to. Your parents always threw the best parties and they lasted all day long," he said with a smile.

  "Yeah. They did, didn't they? Remember how Mom and Dad would make you and Jake decorate? You both sucked at decorating," I teased him, remembering how nothing matched and anything they hung up immediately fell to the ground.

  "Hey now! We did the best with what we had to work with. Streamers and balloons don't give much to go on."

  I giggled and felt the last of the tension in my body fall away. "You remember what you gave me that day?"

  "On your 15th birthday?"

  I nodded.

  "I do."

  "You do?"

  "The keychain. It took me a month of searching to find the right one. Of course I remember it."

  I sighed. Of course he would remember. He was perfect in that sense. He remembered parties, gifts, concerts, and awards. He also remembered my favorite food, song, movie... everything. That's why I had fallen in love with him so easily. So long ago.

  "Did you ever go?" I asked.

  "Go where?"

  I leaned back until our shoulders brushed and I laid my head against the wall, too. "To Alaska. Please tell me you went."

  He grinned and scratched the back of his neck. "I did. At the right time."

  My eyes widened in surprise and I smiled at him, realizing that he remembered the conversation as clearly as I had. There are beautiful things we can't see or have until the right time. In the right place.

  Where was my beautiful? Would I ever have it? I felt like the opportunity had passed me by before I ever even knew it was close.

  "Plus," he added with an amused smirk. "You would have killed me if I didn't."

  I laughed. A laugh so deep that the muscles in my abdomen flexed. How long had it been since I had felt that? Too long. I hadn't really laughed in a long time and something so simple had brought it out of me.

  Jack had brought it out of me.

  "God, I missed that laugh," Jack whispered.

  I went silent, so suddenly that my breath couldn't keep up and it came rushing out with the emotion that had been built up inside of me.

  Tears immediately sprang to my eyes and the heaviness in my chest was back.

  My life had changed so much. Everything had changed.

  "Jack..."

  "Ari, please don't cry."

  He had turned his body towards me and was holding my face in his hands. The tears running down my cheeks didn't make it far. He wiped each one away.

  He saw the moment my control slipped and I just couldn't seem to stop the tears. That's when he pulled me into his arms. Arms that had always made everything better. Strong fingers combed through my hair, down my temple, across my jaw, then retraced their way back up and into my hair once more. He was giving me whatever comfort he could while I sobbed on his chest.

  I should have been embarrassed about the quick change in my mood. I should have felt ridiculous. Childish. With Jack, though, I never had to worry about being anyone but myself no matter who I was now.

  "So much is gone," I said in a broken and weak voice. "So much is missing from me."

  "No, Ari. You're still in there, babe, just a little harder to reach."

  I shook my head. In denial? I wasn't sure. He was only half right.

  "I've bent too far for too long. I'm broken," I whispered. So much regret came pouring out of me and I couldn't control it.

  I had been slowly breaking for three years and my determination to move on was waning much faster than I could ever keep up with.

/>   Jack buried his fingers in my hair and I felt the press of his lips on the top of my head. When he spoke, the tone of his voice sounded defeated. Resigned. "The world breaks everyone, and afterward, many are strong at the broken places."

  I sniffed as the rumble in his chest vibrated against my cheek. His shirt was wet from my tears and I knew I looked like a mess, but I looked up at him anyway.

  "What is that from?" I asked.

  "What? You don't think I could come up with something so profound by myself?" he teased.

  "I know damn well you could, Jack."

  He looked at me for a moment, his eyes searching mine and his fingers sweeping a lock of hair back behind my ear. If I didn't know any better, I would think he was reading my mind, seeing all my secrets, all my broken places. "It's Ernest Hemingway. He said that."

  "Do you believe it?"

  "I do. So much so that I tattooed it on my shoulder the first chance I got," he mumbled with a short chuckle.

  I glanced down at his shoulder. It was too dark to see much of anything, but the moonlight streaming in the window showed enough when he lifted his shirt sleeve. The words were there, permanently inked into his skin just above a complex shape that I couldn't quite make out.

  "It's a dara knot. An oak tree. It symbolizes strength and endurance. Seemed appropriate at the time," he explained .

  My mind raced with the possibilities. The different scenarios that Jack could have been through to make those words so important to him. To give them a permanent place on his body.

  "Jack -"

  "It's not important right now, Ari. My story will have to wait. You don't need that hanging over you right now," he said gently, his fingers sweeping through my hair as I stared at him.

  He had never touched me like this before. At least, not that I remembered. We had been close, but this intimacy was new and I couldn't zero in on a single thought that would clear up the confusion I was feeling. I wanted to pull away from his touch and keep my ice cold heart from wanting it too much. And at the same time, I wanted to lean into it, close my eyes, and purr like a kitten.

  I couldn't decide what I wanted more so I just kept still and let his warmth send those pleasant tingles over my skin.

  I was using the last of my will power to keep my eyes open when he sighed and dropped his hand. "The point is, we all break. We all get to break because we are all only human. But sometimes, those broken places don't have to stay broken."

  I laid my head back down on his chest and his arms came around me, holding me against him and surrounding me with safety. I was safe. In his arms, I would always be safe from anyone that wanted to hurt me.

  The only problem was that I wouldn't be safe from myself or from him. He had the power to break me completely with no hope of putting those pieces back together. I couldn't give him that kind of control, not when I had just gotten some control back after all these years.

  The thought made my stomach turn and the Ari from so long ago, cringed with disappointment. It all came down to control.

  Amanda's words came back to me and I was suddenly anxious to take even more control over my life. I was going to attend the self defense classes, but I knew I would need more. It wasn't going to be enough if it didn't give me control over the demons that haunted me.

  "I want to learn to fight, Jack."

  His body tightened and those arms that were still surrounding me loosened their hold. I raised my head to see the blank expression on his face.

  "You already are fighting," he rasped. "You're taking back everything you thought you lost and we are all here to help you through it."

  "No. I want to learn to fight. Not just self defense, but actual fighting."

  His already rigid muscles tightened even more as if the very thought of me fighting anyone infuriated him to no end. I pushed myself back up to a sitting position so I could face him. He was watching me like he would watch a bomb five seconds away from detonating.

  "I see that Amanda has told you about the self defense classes. I think it's a good place to start," he said slowly, carefully choosing his words as he clenched his teeth together.

  "And that's great, but I need to do more. I need to know that I can not only defend myself, but that I can take charge over any situation."

  "Ari."

  "Please, Jack. Will you teach me? I need this."

  His expression sobered from serious to deadly serious. "You don't need to learn to fight. We will all be here to fight for you. Jake will... I will."

  "But -"

  "No. End of conversation. You can take the self defense classes, but I know without a doubt there is no way Jake will let you do more."

  "He doesn't have to let me do anything."

  "Ari -"

  "No! I'm not a child anymore and one way or another I'll find a way to do what I have to do. If you won't help me and Jake won't help me, someone will."

  Jack looked up at the ceiling and I could see the tick in his jaw that betrayed the steady control he was fighting for. I had no idea that my request would make him like this. If anything, I would think both he and Jake would encourage me to take control. To learn how to fight, learn how to protect myself more than a can of pepper spray could.

  "I'll talk to Jake when he gets back," Jack grumbled and threw his legs over the side of the mattress. "But I'm not making you any promises."

  He started to stand and the thought of being along right then made my heart jump. "Wait! Where are you going?"

  Jack looked down at me, his expression soft once more and his shoulders slumping a little bit. "I'm going to get you some water. Do you need a pain pill?"

  I shook my head. "No, I'm just fine."

  After only a brief hesitation, as if he didn't believe me and was just waiting for me to change my mind, he walked into the kitchen. When he came back with a cold bottle of water, I immediately moved over to give him room to lie back down.

  He rubbed a hand down his face and looked down the hallway towards his room.

  I panicked. Heavy breathing, heart racing, sweat beading panic. "You aren't leaving are you?"

  He pulled his eyes away from the hallway and met my frantic stare. "Fuck no. I'm staying right here. As long as you don't mind too much."

  I shook my head.

  He lifted the covers away and stretched out next to me. I didn't dare move, afraid that it would send him running back to his room.

  I was still staring at him when I felt a hand grip my hip and yank me forward. "Get over here and let me hold you, Ari."

  And I did just that. Because I wanted it more than I wanted my next breath. I wanted to feel that safety surround me again, even if doing so would put another piece of my heart back together. My heart had been his for so long. My whole heart. But the shattered pieces weren't his. Those were mine. They had to be mine because no one should be expected to claim something so broken.

  It was only minutes before my eyes felt heavy and my body relaxed against Jack's side. His fingers moved back and forth, down my arm and around my elbow, then back up to my shoulder. It felt like he couldn't stop touching me the way his fingers never left my skin. It was relaxing and just... right.

  "Sleep, Ari," he whispered into my hair and pressed his lips to my head once more.

  Jack might not have touched me like this all those years ago, but that didn't mean he wasn't meant to. If anything, his touch had been made for me. He had been made for me.

  My tired eyes burned knowing that it wasn't the same for him. If I had been made for anyone, it couldn't be Jack.

  I fell back into a peaceful sleep and dreams about my past played over and over like a movie in my mind. Jake and Jack taking me with them whenever they went fishing, boating, swimming, just anything. Jake teasing me about the obvious crush I had on his friend. Jack taking walks with me just to humor me and let me talk his ear off about school or my friends.

  Then, as if my mind finally decided to settle on one memory, everything stilled and the image in fron
t of my eyes was one I would never forget.

  It was my 18th birthday and the two of us were under that giant tree on the hills once more. Jack had just told me that Alaska was a definite yes. He had solidified his plans, saved enough money, and wanted me to be the first to know.

  I had been so happy for him even when my heart cracked at the thought of him being so far away. This was what he had wanted. To travel, to go to the places that fascinated him since he was a child.

  We both sat under that tree for a long time. Silent. Just listening to everything around us. I closed my eyes and turned my face up to the sky, letting that warm breeze rush over my skin.

  "I'll miss you, Ari," Jack mumbled beside me.

  My lips pulled into a grin, but I didn't open my eyes. I didn't look at him and now that I was dreaming about it, remembering that day, I couldn't figure out why I didn't just open my eyes and look at the man that was my everything.

  I tried right then. Told myself to just look at him. The dream wouldn't let me.

  "I'll miss you, too, Jack," I said.

  That's when the dream faded away. Swirled into a calming darkness and let the memory of that day - the last words I had spoken to Jack before he left us - dissolve into nothing.

  If I had known those would be the last words, I would have opened my eyes and memorized every inch of his face all over again. Memorize the way he looked at me with tenderness that beautiful day. Memorize the way my heart fluttered when he wrapped his arms around me and wished me a happy birthday.

  I would have forced time to stop.

  I would have forced myself to stay in that moment and forget about making the next decisions that would destroy that Arianna he used to know.

  I would have told Jack that I loved him. That I had loved him for so long and that I didn't want him to leave me because I knew he could love me back if he just tried.

  I would have done things so differently.

  Chapter Five

  "Start to breathe and fake a smile

  It's all the same after a while

  I know, that you are tired."