"Thanks, man. I appreciate you being here with her. Everything good?"
Jack raked a hand through his hair and returned Jake's man hug with a slap on the back. "Everything is good. No problems. How did it go?"
"Aah, it was good. A lot of referrals and a lot of ink. I'm beat. I was already beat when they asked me to stay for the week to draw up some requests."
"That's great, Jake," I exclaimed and clapped my hands. "You are getting even more popular. Pretty soon you'll have celebrities requesting your work."
Jake chuckled, "I don't know about that, but I've got a foot in the door. Just need a little push."
I listened as Jake discussed with Jack all the ideas he had seen at the convention, not just for styles and artists, but advertising and getting West Ink's name out there. I felt the itch to come up with an idea to help my brother advertise, but I pushed it down. I didn't want to pry where I wasn't supposed to and Jake was doing just fine on his own.
"Well, I'm off to bed. I'll see you two in the morning." He kissed my forehead and started dragging his bags into the hallway.
"I'll make breakfast," I announced, making both men smile and do a fist pump.
"Can you make those pancakes that have the cinnamon and cream cheese glaze?" Jake asked excitedly.
"Yes. I think we have everything for them."
"What about those sausage patties with the fried egg on top?" Jack asked.
"Yes. I will make those, too."
The two grown men gave each other a high five and I could practically hear their stomachs growling.
"Damn, I'm going right to sleep so time moves faster," Jake stated. "Do you know how long it's been since I've had pancakes that good?"
I laughed wryly and shook my head at my brother. Jake was always finding ways to bring out the kid in him. I had missed so much, but my brother really hadn't changed all that much. He was still the same playful, bad ass brother he always was and I felt a sting in my eyes knowing that I had finally done something right by coming here.
We all went our separate ways, but Jack stayed back a moment and gave me a wary look. I smiled and told him goodnight before climbing into my bed.
He still stood there, lost in his thoughts for a moment before shutting off the light.
"I'm here, Ari. Whether you land on your feet or not, I'm here," he whispered into the dark.
Then he was gone and I was left wondering if that kiss would have happened whether Jake had walked in at that moment or not.
Would Jack have stopped it?
Would I have really let it happen?
Too many questions that I wouldn't have the answers to. Not yet anyway.
Chapter Six
"I could follow you to the beginning,
just to relive the start,
maybe then we'd remember to slow down,
at all of our favorite parts."
Paramore 'All I Wanted'
Afraid to Fall
Inhale.
Thump, thump, thump.
Exhale.
Thump, thump, thump, thump.
Inhale.
My lungs burned as my legs ate up the pavement. Running had never been an escape for me before. Until now.
Early morning light, crisp air, nothing but the sound of my breathing and my feet hitting the pavement, the swish of my clothes as I moved faster, pushed myself harder.
It's freeing. Like the feeling you get when you walk out of a crowded elevator or the feel of your body being enveloped in cool water on a hot summer day. It was unlike anything I had felt before.
I needed more.
Inhale.
Thump, thump, thump, thump.
Exhale.
Thump, thump, thump.
I focused on the space in front of me. Running faster, reaching farther. My endurance had heightened, but not by much. I needed to be able to run farther, get away faster.
I felt my hands constrict as I pushed harder, until my fingers were tightly wrapping around the small canister that Jake forced onto me the first day I was in town.
Pepper spray.
In other words, a possible five second head start if I needed one. It wasn't enough for me, but I didn't have any options quite yet.
The sky started to brighten, no longer that thick darkness just before those first rays of light stretched out to reach this small part of the world. This was my favorite time of day, before. Before waking up early became a necessity to ensure breakfast was ready at exactly the right moment. Before seeing those first beams of light meant another day ahead of me, praying I would make it the most insignificant day in my memory.
I pushed those insignificant memories away. They didn't happen.
Inhale.
Thump, thump, thump.
Exhale.
Thump, thump, thump.
Freedom. It's the one thing I never knew to feel for myself. I'd had it before, but never acknowledged it. Never actually felt it. Funny how people take for granted their everyday freedoms. The freedom to eat what you want, go where you want, sleep when you want.
My legs were jelly, my eyes were watery from the cool air, my heart was clean for once in my life.
I wouldn't give this up again.
My mind wandered to the last few weeks, the time I had spent with my brother getting to know each other all over again. The time I had watched him work on the tattoos that were a part of him no matter where they ended up. I spent my nights off hanging out at West Ink or exercising with Amanda at Milestone where Jack always ended up being, too.
The self defense class had become one of the things I looked forward to each week. Molly and Janet picked me up every Saturday and we carpooled to the class. The Saturdays that Janet or Molly had to work late, Amanda was with me, too. Marie refused to schedule me on Saturdays until she felt she could. I didn't think that would be anytime soon as long as Molly had a say. She pushed me just as hard as Amanda did in class. We always switched up partners and all of us were improving drastically. Janet was fierce underneath all that bubbly cheer and Molly was brutal when it came to learning the moves until you could do them in your sleep.
Then there was Jack.
Jack was always there watching, chiming in when the instructor made a good point and helping the class learn the moves on someone who was stronger. There were a total of twelve women who attended almost every week and I didn't realize until my first night that so many women felt powerless enough to dedicate their time to taking back that power give or take the one or two women who were obviously there for the eye candy.
The second class had been a struggle and not because the techniques we were learning hit home in my mind. It was because Jack insisted on partnering up with me so I could practice. It didn't take long for us to realize that it hadn't been such a good idea.
Jack was on top of me while I was on the floor on my stomach, a very common position to be forced into by an attacker. I was trying to get him off of me using all the moves we had been shown, but it was too difficult. He was too strong and too heavy and every time I tried to twist, my ass bumped into his crotch.
The final attempt had ended in both of us apologizing after I felt what couldn't be mistaken as anything but an erection pressing against me. He made the excuse of forgetting to make a phone call and took off toward his upstairs office before the red in my cheeks even had a chance of fading.
Molly had teased me the whole week and never missed a chance to ask me how big I thought he might be which ended in both of us laughing until our stomachs hurt. Molly had a dirty mind and it was starting to rub off on me. Even Janet chimed in once in a while and the times she did, I thought I would die of laughter. The little happy Barbie was dirtier than the rest of us put together. They were my friends. Friends I wouldn't have to give up. Ever.
I avoided Jack like the plague that whole week after.
The only saving grace was that Jack had moved back into his house and I only saw him a few times throughout the week when he stopped by the gym o
r West Ink for business. Those times, we avoided each other as much as possible, only exchanging greetings and farewells if we could help it.
I had attempted to speak with Greg, the self defense class instructor, several times, all of which Jack had interrupted and pulled him aside to discuss "plans for the next class". It was four classes in that I was finally able to get a moment with the guy to ask if he would help me learn more only to be told he wasn't allowed to do more than teach self defense.
Jack.
He was going to try and stop me at every turn and Jake encouraged it.
I had broken down and begged both of them the morning after Jake got back from his trip. I buttered them up with the best breakfast they had ever had and I focused all my energy on getting Jake to agree that learning to fight was a good idea only to be shot down and told that we wouldn't be discussing it any longer.
I tried to understand, but every part of me fought against it.
Why wouldn't they just let me do it? Why couldn't they see that it would help me feel like I was in control again, like I could take care of myself? It would free me from so many demons.
At least, that is what I believed and I would never know for sure until I tried.
I hadn't asked again after that. It was up to me to find a way, but they were making it difficult so I kept my attention on what I could do right now. Amanda had taught me yoga as a form of meditation and exercise and I was slowly becoming obsessed with it. Every morning, I ran through my routine of poses, attempting the more difficult ones every day, and when Amanda and I had a chance to meet up at the gym, we focused on endurance and strength.
Her schedule was becoming busier and busier so those sessions were happening less and less. It was only last week that I had decided to start running when I could, just to keep myself going.
I'm not sure how long I had been running. Minutes, hours… it didn't matter to me as long as I felt those things that would change me. I slowed to a brisk walk, cooling my tired body that was still aching in places I didn't want to ache and still reminding me of what I needed to do.
I made my way back to the street. Ironic how the only place I felt comfortable running by myself was the cemetery across the street from Jake's apartment. No one was ever there. Not this early.
When I walked into the warm apartment, I never expected my brother to be waiting for me. Not only waiting, but fuming. With a resigned Jack standing next to him.
"Where the hell have you been, Ari?" Jake asked tightly.
I fought against the urge to roll my eyes. "Exercising. Running in the cemetery."
"Are you that naïve or has the situation not processed yet?" His brown eyes flared with anger, but I could see the fear settling behind it, the relief at seeing me okay. He had never spoken to me like that before, but I couldn't bring myself to blame him.
"Jake."
"You don't get it, Ari. You're not safe on your own."
"Then help me try to be."
He sighed with a shake of his head. "It's not that easy."
"It is that easy. Help me learn to take care of this part, Jake. Let me do it. You aren't going to be by my side every second of the day, so help me be okay with that."
It was as if he muted everything around him. He didn't acknowledge my pleading, he just turned away and quietly said, "No more going out on your own. If you need to leave for some reason, Jack or I will go with you, like we always have. You are taking that self defense class. That is all you need right now." He gestured towards Jack who nodded in agreement, his muscled arms crossed over his chest.
I stumbled over my words as I tried to spit them out before Jake could get any further away from me.
"You can't do this. I was locked up for three years, I won't do it again," I argued, making him pause in the middle of the hallway. I took the opportunity to try to calm the situation, to make him understand that I wasn't a child, that I wasn't that adolescent girl anymore. "Even if you think it's best for me. I need this, Jake. I'll keep my guard up, I'll be careful. I'll carry this stupid pepper spray with me everywhere. I'm smarter now. I know to not think I'm always safe. I know to not think that way better than anyone."
Jake turned to face me, his face a perfect painting of despair and regret. "I want you to live your life, Ari. I want it more than anything. I want my sister back. The one that never hesitated to smile at everyone. The one that trusted her brother more than anything else."
"I trust you, Jake," I said, my voice cracking with emotion as my heart constricted.
"Then please, Ari. Please, just trust me to know what you need until this whole thing is over with."
"And when will it be over with, Jake?" I shouted and stormed towards him. He moved aside and leaned against the wall, his head down, listening like he usually did. Jack stayed where he was, his blue green eyes on the both of us, waiting to jump in for either one of us if he needed to. Waiting the way he always did. "As far as I can tell, there are only two ways for it to end. With one of us six feet deep. Him or me. I don't want it to be me. He took enough of my life away, I won't let him take another minute."
"Neither will I," Jake growled. "That's why I need to keep you safe. I need you to be smart about it and take this seriously."
We had come full circle and even though I knew that what he was asking of me was completely reasonable, smart, what I should do, I just couldn't get both my head and my heart to obey. I couldn't let someone else take the wheel of my life anymore.
I didn't say anything more, didn't beg, didn't argue, didn't agree. I decided to agree to disagree and take a shower to calm my aching muscles.
I started to turn away, the look on Jake's face telling me he knew exactly what I was thinking, but he didn't try to push. We had said all we needed to, now we needed to do what we needed to do, consequences be damned.
"Jack, let the owner know that I will be moving into the apartment next door as soon as possible. I've saved up for rent."
We had all discussed the idea of me moving out and Jake hadn't liked it, but with a little prodding from both Jack and me, he had conceded with the agreement that it would happen at the right time.
It was the right time.
I yanked my shirt up over my head as I made my way to the bathroom. I wasn't thinking straight and it was another mistake I would always regret.
I heard the quick intake of breath from Jack first. He obviously hadn't spilled the beans on my secret and I wanted to slap myself in the face for putting him into this situation. I just hoped Jake didn't see -
"What the fuck is that, Ari?"
Shit.
The scar.
"It's nothing."
His hand wrapped around my arm before I could take another step away and he yanked me backwards, not hard enough to hurt me, but hard enough for me to understand that this changed things.
His eyes anxiously moved down the skin on my side, filling with more and more emotion every passing second. I glanced over at Jack who was staring up at the ceiling, his jaw ticking angrily and his muscles flexed as if ready to strike. He couldn't even look at it and that grated on my nerves.
"When?" Jake whispered harshly.
"Jake, it's not -"
"WHEN?!" he shouted, making me flinch.
I squeezed my eyes shut and took deep breaths, forcing myself to keep the memory just below the surface long enough to get this over with. My voice was barely a whisper. "A year."
My brother's face took on a new form. His brows pinched together, his lips pressed into a thin line. His expression tore my already tattered heart to shreds and when his eyes started to glisten, I felt that same massive lump of emotion form in my throat.
My big, strong, tattooed, badass brother was falling apart.
"Jake…"
"I'm sorry, Ari," he said, his voice shaking, his fingers trembling on my arm.
I didn't hesitate, didn't care what we agreed or disagreed on. My brother needed something from me and I was going to give it. I wrapped my arm
s around his neck and pulled him into a fierce hug, my eyes burning with the unshed tears I had been refusing to release.
Jake's arms came around me and he buried his face in my neck, tears falling onto my skin and burning their way down.
"I'm so sorry," he sobbed. "I should have done something. I should have tried harder to find you."
"Shhh, Jake. You didn't do anything wrong."
"I should have done something. I swear to you, I won't let him hurt you again. I'll do whatever it takes, Ari."
His muffled sobs took on a life of their own and the fierce despair filled the room with a thickness that made it hard to breathe. He quieted after a few minutes, but it was as if the gate had been opened and there was no going back for him. He couldn't hold it in anymore and I didn't want him to.
I saw Jack back away from us, giving us space. He had been through everything with my brother, but I could tell by the anxiety in his eyes that he had never seen my brother fall apart like this.
"I'm better prepared now, Jake. I can take care of myself better now. And since I have you around, I know I don't have anything to be afraid of. I just need to do this. For me."
"I should have stopped it from the beginning," Jake grumbled and pulled back but didn't look me in the eyes. He stared down at the floor and shook his head. "All the shit I put our family through to try to be a man, to be tough, and I let my sister start dating a guy that I knew didn't deserve her."
He sniffed and looked over at Jack. "I was too wrapped up in everything to protect my family and my friends and I hate myself for it."
Jack's frown deepened, "Every single one of us knows you didn't have a choice. None of us had a choice."
I forced Jake to look at me and when he did, I made sure my voice was solid before I told him what I had never told him before. "I hate that you were wrapped up in that gang, with those guys that almost destroyed you. But you wouldn't be the man you are today if you hadn't been a part of them. Neither one of you would be the men you are now. You are better because you saw the ugly in the world and didn't want to make it uglier. You stepped away when you knew it was impossible."
Minutes passed with the three of us in a silent discussion. Each one of us saying so much without saying anything at all. Jake tried to hide the tears and he cleared his throat to start speaking, but no words came out, so I just hugged my brother, held him in my arms and tried to silently tell him that I was okay.
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