I couldn't make out my mother's muffled words, but Jake's were clear as day. He couldn't control the volume of his voice, a crystal sign that he was pretty damn upset. By the look on his face when he got home today, I would say he was more than upset. Downright furious? Maybe even a little emotional.
Whatever he was, I hadn't seen him like that. Ever.
It was a week after my 18th birthday and everything had been smooth sailing. I was getting applications in for college and Amanda and I were making plans. Solid plans. Except for the fact that I hadn't heard from her in three days and the last time I saw Jack was the day of my birthday.
To others, this might not seem too unusual, nothing to freak out about right? To me, it was the God damn apocalypse. Amanda always - always - answered her phone and Jack always texted me back if he saw he missed a call from me, just to let me know he saw it. Three days of no communication with Jack and Amanda was like three years. So yes, I was freaked and I was going to find out what the hell was going on with my brother.
"You don't understand, Dad. I don't care whether or not I go to prison. I did what I had to do and Jack did what he had to do. I'm prepared to suffer the consequences if it means my family is safe."
"But, son," my dad's voice broke and I could just imagine the look on his face while he spoke to Jake. My parents rarely shouted at us. Probably because for the most part, we did everything they asked of us. With the exception of Jake and all his "extracurricular" activities the past couple of years. But even with my older brother being a part of a gang - one that put him in danger every day of his life just for those guys to feel a watered down sense of unity - my parents never gave up on him and they never hesitated to remind him how much he was loved, right here in this house. In this family. Even though my parents hated what he was a part of, the arguments or rather conversations they had with him never went out of control. Scott and Nina West never lost control no matter how upset they were.
Some people thought that was just weird.
Maybe it was, but it was my normal. We loved each other no matter what. We supported each other when it came down to the nitty gritty and we trusted each other with our lives. Because we were a family. A flawed family, but a family nonetheless.
"Jake, please. You have to explain it to us. You got into this mess and we can't help you, but for the love of God, please help us understand so we can do what we have to do." My dad was upset, but even knowing that he had every right to be upset at the moment, he still spoke to my brother with respect and Jake never disrespected him.
There was silence and I leaned into the door a little more so I wouldn't miss anything. The smooth wood had heated enough to make me forget that I was even eavesdropping. The tips of my fingers pressed harder against the door, as if that would make the conversation on the other side so much clearer.
I heard Jake sigh, heard the creak of my dad's office chair, and heard my mother sob quietly.
Something was definitely wrong here. This wasn't the normal conversation about begging Jake to get out of the gang he had been a part of since high school. This was something bigger.
Something had happened.
And prison? Had I heard that right? Why would my brother be going to prison? My mind raced for an answer. Drugs? Vandalism? Assault? These were all things that I had heard through the grapevine at school, all things that Jake and Jack had been a part of and no matter how much I denied it, I couldn't help but think that most of it was true.
"We couldn't let him live, Dad. The things he was planning to do... the shit he threatened us with. You guys know Jack. He never loses it. That should tell you enough to know that it was serious. It was - fuck, it was bad and we took care of it. Took care of you guys, took care of Ari. I couldn't... I couldn't let him..."
His broken voice trailed off and I heard movement. I didn't have to see inside the room to know that my parents had Jake in their arms.
"Oh, Jake. We love you. Don't ever forget that," my father's muffled voice made my stomach roll.
"What about Jack? What is he going to do?" my mother asked after a few minutes of silence.
Jake sniffed and the creak of my dad's chair sounded again as he stood. His voice got closer to the door, but I refused to let myself back away. I needed to know.
"They're gone. Left a few days ago. You know the Garretts. Jack explained what was going on and they didn't hesitate. It's easier for them no matter the situation."
"Where did they go?"
"I won't know until Jack calls me."
Jack was gone? Amanda was gone? For how long?
Panic swept through me and I finally stepped away from the door. They were gone?
Gone.
"No," I said to the empty space in front of me.
I quietly stumbled into my room and found my cell phone on the bed, dialing Amanda for about the millionth time, then Jack. Both calls went straight to voicemail. I had already left several messages.
"No. They can't be gone. He can't be gone."
I was finally eighteen. Finally brave enough to do something for me. I had been planning on telling Jack about my years long crush on him. I had been planning to show him that I was more than just his best friend's little sister. And now?
I was too late.
Sure, it wasn't a solid plan, but it was a plan. The only plan that was strictly for me. I had even prepared myself for rejection knowing that no matter what, Jack would always be one of my best friends.
A loud knock at the front door startled me and my phone clattered to the floor. The blood in my veins turned to ice and the next several minutes moved too slowly and too quickly. God, I just couldn't get a grasp on what was truly happening.
I heard the office door open and three sets of footsteps make their way to the front of the house. It wasn't long before I heard the words that would change everything.
"Jake West, you are under arrest for the murder of Dillon Thatcher. You have the right to remain silent..."
The ringing in my ears drowned out everything else. I don't remember Jake struggling or protesting. I don't even remember my parents saying anything other than informing them they would meet at the police station. All I remember is feeling helpless. Terrified.
Angry.
Furious.
I tried to talk myself out of it because I knew Jack. Knew him better than anyone else besides my brother. It didn't matter, though. He was gone and I knew exactly why.
He had abandoned my brother. Left to save his own hide.
It wasn't until after Jake came back home and the charges were dropped that I realized how truly naïve I had been. I thought that the boys were just doing stuff that boys do. I knew it was more than that, but I loved my brother anyway. If Jake and Jack wanted to be a part of some ridiculous group of boys that did nothing but argue about what street was theirs, then so be it. I still loved them because they loved me and I knew they would do anything for me.
But I learned more in those two weeks about my brother, about my family and my parent's ability to guard secrets. I learned that not everything is as it seems and Jake and Jack had been involved in a lot more than arguments.
The next few months were hell for my brother. Threats, break ins, humiliation. It all happened to him. To us. He struggled, but he never went back to those guys. Barely left the house until things had settled down.
I pretended I was clueless. Pretended I only knew the basic details that Mom and Dad told me when they sat me down right after Jake had been taken away. I told the police that I had never heard a thing about Jake murdering the leader of his gang. I told them that all I knew was that my brother was in trouble.
When they dropped the charges because of a lack of sufficient evidence, I knew that I was holding a secret. My entire family was holding in a secret so big, that any kind of slip would land my brother in prison for the rest of his life and they had no idea I was a part of it. They had no idea that I caught a glimpse of the ugly that had hidden behind my perfect, organ
ized life.
And Jack wasn't there.
The pointless visit to the Garrett's house that horrible day, the crying on their doorstep when I saw the empty rooms through the front window, it was all a blur. All of it had nearly destroyed me because I had lost my best friend. Jake had lost his best friend and the only explanation for it was that Jack wanted out of the shit they had been in for so long and he wanted to give his family a better life. He didn't want them to suffer anymore.
Seems pretty sacrificial and noble when you know nothing about what was really going on. To me, it sounded selfish. It sounded fucking barbaric.
I hated myself for hating Jack so much, but once it had burrowed into my heart, I couldn't dig it back out.
I didn't try to call them anymore and I ignored anything that was said about them.
"You can't possibly understand, Ari. It's not what you think," Jake insisted when I said that he wasn't allowed to say Jack's name in front of me anymore.
"I don't care. He left without a goodbye. He left all of us. Left you to... you know what? It doesn't matter anymore."
"Ari, please," Jake begged.
"I love you, Jake. That's all that matters right now."
"One day you'll understand. I swear it, Ari. One day you'll realize that life throws us to the wolves and the only way to avoid being eaten is to fight back. Even when it doesn't make any sense."
I hadn't realized that those words would define the next six years of my life. If I had known that, I would have chosen differently.
I spent the next couple of years doing what I had always planned to do, only now it was with different people. I spent lonely nights thinking about Jack and wondering what I would say to him if I ever saw his face again. I spent nights out thinking of Amanda and wondering if she had made new friends, if she even thought about me anymore.
I spent the first six months of my relationship with Roger pretending that he was exactly what I wanted.
Yeah, if I had paid attention to Jake's words, I would have never stayed. I would have never let that man threaten my family, my brother. I would have fought back against the anger I had harbored and I would have fought against the wolves that surrounded me.
I would have told Roger to go fuck himself when he told me he had eye witnesses to the murder of Dillon Thatcher and I would have told my brother exactly what was going on so we could prepare. So he could make the decision.
I wouldn't have stayed with a man who had almost killed me and had stripped away the last of my control.
But my life had played out the way it did for a reason and I would never regret doing what I did for my brother.
If it meant letting my brother live the life he had, I would do it again. In a wrecked heart beat.
***
It was Monday night. The first night of training with Jack and it had been a real bitch to get out of the apartment without Jake asking a billion questions. Amanda had helped to distract him, but it had been a close call. If Jack knew that, he would have changed his mind. Even if both Amanda and I doubled up on him and begged him with our best puppy dog eyes.
When Amanda had asked how I was liking the self defense classes, I couldn't hold back from telling her that Jack was going to start teaching me more. She had seemed wary at first, but once I told her how much I needed to know I could protect myself, she was all for it. In fact, she had told Jack to make sure to incorporate the self defense skills and information into my training. To push for getting away instead of staying and fighting. Either way, it was going to make me feel better.
Better about what? No idea. But better was good.
I only arrived a few minutes earlier than what Jack and I had arranged, but I wanted to make sure I got in my yoga routine so I could relax my rattled nerves.
"Go ahead and warm up or do whatever you need to for a bit. I need a little bit longer with this guy since he has a fight coming up soon."
"No problem, Jack," I had waved him away, ignoring the anxious looks he was giving the door, and found a good spot to start.
As I stretched myself into the different poses, I started to feel myself relax. The nervousness of my first session with Jack was quickly placed on the back burner as I focused on my breathing, the feel of my muscles pulling and pushing. My mind drifted off to a place where there was no Roger, no detective looking for him, and no reason for me to even be here. I vaguely heard the voices around me drift away. The sound of fists hitting a bag, weights being dropped, and grunts from the others around me went silent.
This is working better than I thought, I told myself. Blocking everything out was never this easy before.
My side was a little sore, but the tattoo was healing really well and Jack said we could get the shading done soon and I wouldn't have to worry about it anymore. What he didn't know is that I couldn't for the life of me stop looking at it.
Amanda had almost burst into tears when I showed it to her and Molly couldn't stop smiling when I told her that it had all been Jack's design.
And the scar? I didn't even try to find it under all the beautiful ink.
It was the first time I didn't have to force my mind to not think about that night.
I closed my eyes and enjoyed the peace I felt just thinking about nothing as I pushed myself back into the downward dog pose.
The sound of a throat clearing and something dropping to the ground made me open my eyes and look up from my position on the mat.
"Let's get started, Ari."
Jack's eyes were hard as he watched me and he looked anything but happy. Still, it didn't stop the tremble that ran over my stomach and between my legs at the sight of him. He was gorgeous, always, but seeing him in loose shorts and a tank that displayed the tattoos covering his shoulders was another fantasy altogether. He shifted before I could get a good look at them and I made a promise to myself that I would find out what they were.
His scowl deepened when I didn't move. Was he already regretting his decision to help me? I would probably cry and scream if he had.
"I still have about ten more minutes. You can do whatever you need to but I kind of have a routine that I want to complete."
Jack furrowed his brow and looked around, the frown on his face deepening, then he looked back at me. His eyes glazed over a bit as I moved into the dolphin pose and breathed through it. I turned my eyes away from him, but I felt the burn of his stare over every inch of my body and it made breathing a lot more difficult.
I heard movement beside me and bent my neck so I could see him. He was raking his hands through his hair and rubbing them down his face like he did when he was frustrated.
"Listen, you can't do yoga here," he muttered.
"Why not?" I asked, turning my head straight so I wouldn't strain it as I moved into the dolphin plank.
"Because... you just can't."
The bite of his words made me pause and I slowly shifted into a sitting position so I could glare up at him. "Jack, you can't just tell me to stop exercising at a gym. Is there a policy against yoga or something?"
He huffed and ran another hand through his already mussed up hair, then looked around again. This time, instead of scowling back at me, he turned and shouted angrily, "Get to work!"
I jumped a little at the volume and looked around. Everyone quickly turned away and started hitting their bags, lifting their weights, and running on their treadmills.
Jack stepped in front of me, effectively blocking my gaze from the sweaty men behind him who were training so hard. The sound in the gym got louder and I wondered if it was my mind that had truly blocked out the sounds of the gym, or if everyone had taken a break at the same time.
Jack stepped closer and crouched down in front of me, his expression hard.
"As you can tell, we don't get a lot of women in here and the ones that do end up here are looking to get into shape."
I furrowed my brow, utterly confused as to why he would tell me this. "So?"
"So, we don't get a lot of gorgeous wo
men in here…" he trailed off and took a deep breath before stating, "like you."
Instead of stopping to think about what he was telling me, my mind instantly turned to anger. Who cared? "Why does it matter how I look?"
He shook his head. "God that makes me sound like an asshole, but it's the truth." He gestured over his shoulder to the guys training behind him, I lifted up on my hands and peeked over his shoulder. Every single pair of eyes in that gym was on me. That's when I realized that what Jack had said was absolutely true. There weren't any other women in the gym and from the looks I was getting, I was apparently very entertaining.
My muscles tensed and I sat back down, bending over slightly to keep out of sight while Jack's massive shoulders did just that.
Warm fingers tucked under my chin and gently lifted my face. My trembling muscles suddenly relaxed as our gazes locked. "Hey, you have nothing to be afraid of while I'm here, okay?"
I nodded. I knew I was safe, but still…
"If you need to finish, you can do it in my office. No one will be watching you. In fact, maybe do that from now on when you are here."
He paused, waiting for me to nod again or agree with him somehow. To be honest, I wasn't against this idea at all. Realizing how many people had been watching me, my face flushed with mortification. How embarrassing? My mind raced over the poses I had done and my stomach rolled. I'm so fucking clueless.
Here I was trying to get to a place where I could live my life in peace and try to be myself, and all I was doing was proving to Jake and Jack that I was the same naïve little girl I had been the last time we were all together. I wanted the floor to swallow me up right then and there.
"Will you come with me?" I asked Jack, my voice nearly a whisper. I was fine to do my yoga elsewhere, but my nervousness was still ever present and I didn't want to be alone at all. Not now.
His fingers dropped from my chin and I couldn't tell if the sound coming from him was a groan or his stomach rumbling. He nodded without looking at me and quickly stood. I stood next to him and waited while he scowled at the rest of the gym.
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