I dared to look around and found a grin on nearly every person in there. Before I could take them in any longer, Jack grabbed my hand and pulled me along to his office at the top of the stairs.
He shut the door and turned the lock.
"There, now you can do as much yoga as you want without anyone getting a look at you while you're… bent over."
He turned right, but the wall was there, so he went left, but the window was there. He mumbled something under his breath before pulling the blinds shut then hurried past me to his desk where he started rifling through random papers.
"Umm…"
"What?" he asked without looking up.
"Are you okay?"
"I'm fine. Why?"
I sighed and rolled out my mat wondering if it was even worth trying to get back into the zone I had been enjoying before Jack interrupted me. "Never mind."
I started back where I had left off and breathed deeply, closing my eyes for a moment to clear my head. I shifted to down dog and felt the stretching in my back.
"Sweet Jesus," Jack grumbled from his desk.
I shifted to my knees and stretched my neck to look at him over his desk. "What's wrong?"
"Nothing," he snapped and held his head in his hands as he stared down at a stack of papers.
I rolled my eyes.
Men could be so moody, especially my brother and Jack. I never understood why they got so angry so easily when it came to me.
Ten minutes later, I was feeling refreshed once more and stood. "I'm ready."
He absently rifled through a few stacks of paper, shifting in his chair before he stood and hurried to the door while I rolled up my mat. I was still looking down at it when he asked me that same familiar question.
"Why do you want to do this, Ari?"
I threw my head back and looked up at the ceiling. "Does it even matter, Jack? I'm doing it. Period."
"It will help if you tell me, Ari. I can teach you what you need to know and try to understand -"
"How could you possibly understand, Jack?" I snapped at him. The interruption surprised him and his eyes widened. I looked down at my feet as he watched me and felt the burn from his eyes on my face, or was that just the embarrassment from my outburst? I had been feeling good and energized before he asked me that stupid question. Now, I just wanted to crawl home and go to sleep to forget about everything. "I don't know what to tell you."
"The truth," he replied, so softly that if I had been standing any further away from him, I wouldn't have heard it. "I want to know the truth about what is going through your mind. The truth that you don't give anyone because you are too afraid of hurting them. I can take it, Ari. Jake can take it. Fuck, we want to take it!" His voice got louder and louder the more he spoke, until his face was furrowed with anger and his chest was rising and falling rapidly. "For the love of God, babe, just tell us. If not to help us understand then to get it off of your shoulders."
I refused to allow myself to give in to what I assumed was the only time Jack had ever begged for anything. It was a heady feeling to know how much he wanted to get inside my mind. But once he got in, there was no going back and it would not only destroy him, but he would turn away from me. He would run as fast and as far as he could to get away from the darkness inside me.
He had run before to get away from that darkness. Why wouldn't he run again?
"The truth?" I scowled at him. He didn't flinch, didn't even react, but his hand tightened around the door handle. "I don't think you have the right to demand the truth from me."
"Ari," he stated, his voice a warning for me not to mess with him anymore. "I know whatever it is, it's going to break you eventually. It will break you, it will break Jake, it will... break me, too. I just need to know. I need to know that what I am doing is the right thing. That I won't be dragging you down even deeper."
"Hate," I bit out.
He froze, then as if that one word had unleashed something inside of him, his eyes went hard and he glared at me. Glared at the imposter that had taken away his Arianna. Glared at the girl who had changed so much over the years. I thought to myself, Finally! Finally he gets it.
The silence that followed was too much for me and I just had to fill it. Fill it with anything that would move this conversation to neutral territory because I couldn't stand there and feel his anger pointed at me.
"Hate is going through my mind. Hate is all I feel right now, Jack. I'm trying, but it won't go away. Not yet."
His hard stare softened when he asked, "So this is about getting rid of it? Getting it out of your system so you can move on?"
"Fuck no! This is about getting my control back. Getting back what that fucker took from me."
"Control? This is about control? What do you think this is going to accomplish?" he shouted. I let the rage seeping out of him feed my own. Anger was the only thing I could actually control as surprising as that was. "Okay," he continued and lifted his hands in the air as he stepped closer to me. "I admit that it has its pros. You will be able to protect yourself, maybe even hurt him a little bit, but do you think he will stop? Do you think he will just give up and let you go? He needs to be charged and he needs to be punished."
"Then I will be the one to punish him."
"How?"
"Who cares?"
He suddenly lunged toward me, his big hands wrapping around my upper arms and pulling me into him. "I care!"
I didn't take that perfect opportunity to savor his touch. I had let the anger boil too long and too hot. "Then stop! Stop caring about me! I'm not your sister, I'm not your girlfriend. Stop acting like I mean more to you than I actually do."
His grip tightened, but it wasn't painful. He was still gentle with me even when he lost his temper and it was refreshing. So different from everything I had known for a long time.
"I can't," he hissed. "I can't just stop caring about you. You're my Ari. You're my... you're my everything."
I pulled out of his hold, desperate to get away from him and the words I knew meant exactly what they had always meant. Hearing those words made my hope flare, but I couldn't let it burn any longer. My mind was already too fragile to handle it. I was Jake's everything, too. He had told me several times.
"Don't, Jack. Don't turn this into something it isn't just to try to get through to me. I need to do this."
"He isn't worth it."
"Maybe not, but it is all that will fit in my mind right now. If I let it go, I'll break and I refuse to break."
"What about me… us?"
"What about us?" I asked. Could he possibly be telling me the truth? Could his feelings for me be more than I was assuming they were?
"Me, Jake, your family, Amanda, Molly. What about the rest of us? Do you have room in there for us?"
The disappointment that swept through me should have been expected. It shouldn't have mattered because I should have been numb to it by now.
"I will. Eventually."
"How long are you going to hold onto it, Ari?"
"Hold onto what?" I asked, deliberately being obtuse. I was officially done with this conversation and ready now more than ever to hit something.
"The hate. The anger. The idea that you are better off on your own."
"As long as it takes."
He stepped away from me and the distance turned my blood to ice. What was I thinking asking Jack to do this for me? Being close to him wouldn't help me accomplish a damn thing. But it was the only way and a part of me - a part that still had her fingers around the old Ari - wanted this time with him even if it wouldn't change a damn thing. That part would throw herself on the ground in a fit of tears if I ended this right now. So instead of telling him to forget about helping me, I let him turn away and open his office door.
My eyes caught a glimpse of a piece of ink on his shoulder blade. Words that looked so familiar to me that the anger melted away completely and instead of being strong and standing my ground, my eyes burned with tears as the memories came
pouring in.
Without thinking, I reached out with both hands and grabbed his arm, yanking him back toward me while I moved his tank top aside.
"Beautiful things happen at the right time, in the right place and with the right person."
I gasped and brought my fingers to the words permanently written on his skin. Words I had said so long ago with the perfect piece added to it. Words I had somehow forgotten the meaning of. The lump that formed in my throat almost choked me.
Jack held still as I stared. He didn't try to pull away and he didn't even attempt to look back at me.
"When?" I asked on a whisper, the sound barely there in the silent room
"Right after I left," Jack replied, his voice rough and broken. "It was a reminder to be patient."
"Patient for what?"
That's when he turned back to face me, his hand dropping from the doorknob and my hand dropping back down to my side. The look in his eyes took my breath away. Could it be longing? For me?
"Something I want," he stated, those heated eyes flickering down to my mouth. "Something that was never the right timing."
It couldn't be.
Was I really that distracted by the shit in my life that I wasn't seeing the one thing that could change everything for me? The one thing that I had always wanted.
Jack slowly stepped away from me.
I wanted to know. Needed to know.
"What -"
"Let's go, Ari. Unless you want Jake to come looking for you."
I watched him leave the office, feeling my entire world start turning in the other direction. And I let it go, for now. Because he had said the one thing that would stop me from dragging him back in here and forcing him to tell me. If I was too late getting home, Jake would know what was going on and he would stop it before it even started.
***
An hour and a half later, I felt like my entire body had been run over by a train, drugged with the most powerful sedative known to man, and dragged across town.
I was sore, I was exhausted, and I was debating on whether or not Jack had done it all on purpose.
He had pushed me to my limits, telling me that he needed to know what I was capable of so he could teach me what I needed to know. It didn't take long for me to understand that it wasn't just the fear of what would happen to me if I fought back that made Jake and Jack so resistant to teaching me. It was the damage I could do to myself if I wasn't careful.
My arms hated me with a vengeance. They refused to work no matter how much energy I channeled into them. I was useless at the moment.
"The first week is always the hardest. Your body will get used to it as long as you take care of it. Eat right, sleep enough, and don't push harder than you should," Jack said as he took me home.
"I was supposed to move into the other apartment this week. I don't think I could lift a match at the moment."
Jack chuckled and shook his head. "You still up for this?"
"Hell yes!" I said adamantly. Because yes, my body hurt and yes, I wanted to strangle myself for deciding to do it, but the adrenaline and euphoria that had pulsed through my blood halfway through the night was addicting.
"Jake is still down at the shop. You want me to carry you into the apartment first?" I could hear the amusement in Jack's voice and I flipped him off, making him laugh as he climbed out of the truck.
My legs were Jell-O. Period. And Jell-O didn't climb stairs.
But somehow, I made it with my pride intact and with only a few sexy chuckles from Jack.
Once the journey into the apartment was accomplished, I fell to the couch while Jack made his way into the kitchen and grabbed us a couple bottles of water.
"You need to stay hydrated, too," he grumbled and sat down next to me.
He let me attempt to open the bottle on my own for a few minutes before sighing and snatching it out of my hands to do it for me.
"Hey, I almost had it," I complained.
"No you didn't," he smiled and handed it back to me.
I gulped the refreshing liquid down and almost choked when I felt his gaze on me. What was he looking at?
I was sweaty, smelly, and so exhausted that my eyes weren't even opened all the way. I didn't even have the energy to be self conscious so I shrugged and decided right then and there that whatever he was looking at didn't matter.
"Why aren't you dating anyone, Jack?"
Oh dear God.
I wanted to run away after I spoke the words, but my body sure as hell wouldn't work right to do so. I had officially put my foot in my mouth and I prayed for a miracle that he hadn't heard the question.
"I did for a while. You met Julia. I dated a couple others, but it never really worked out. I was busy opening the gym and making business plans with Jake. I didn't really have the time."
"And now?"
He grinned and glanced over at me. "Now? I'm just biding my time."
"For what?"
He shrugged and started chugging his bottle of water again until it was empty. Then he stood and walked into the kitchen to toss it.
I stayed on the couch, of course, and watched him. He didn't look like he was trying to avoid the conversation, but I knew he was. The way he held his shoulders was a dead giveaway. He may have a lot more muscle on those shoulders, but it didn't change anything. I knew all his tells.
"What about you?" he asked suddenly, leaning against the door frame with his arms crossed over his chest, stretching the sleeves of his shirt and making me drool. Just a little bit.
"What about me? You know my story."
"What was it about him that made you even date him, Ari? He was a weasel from the very beginning."
I sighed, surprised that I wasn't near as angry as I thought I should be at the mention of Roger. "Not all of us had the luxury of turning our backs on something we don't want anymore."
I had no intention to be cruel, but once I said it, I knew how he would take it. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean that in the way you are thinking."
He nodded, kept his eyes on me as I sunk further into the cushions and gestured for me to continue.
"I was wanted. I felt wanted. That's why I was with him in the beginning."
Jack didn't speak. I didn't want him to, but I would have liked for him to at least give me some kind of reaction other than the stoic stance he hadn't moved a millimeter to change.
This wasn't something I ever pictured myself saying out loud. To anyone. But it shouldn't be surprising that Jack was the one to hear it. I closed my eyes and took a few deep breaths, willing him to change the subject because I didn't have the energy to do it myself.
"He didn't want you like that, Ari. He wanted to use you."
"I know that now, Jack."
"You honestly thought that you were in love with him?"
He didn't ask the question bitingly, only with curiosity. I had no right to feel like he was being condescending, but the anger I had been waiting for finally took the opportunity to show up and I forced myself to stand so I could walk away before I said something awful.
"I'm sorry," Jack said quickly and blocked my exit. "It's just that I find it hard to believe that you didn't think anyone wanted you. God, Ari. Jake and I got into a countless number of fights trying to keep those stupid idiot boys away from you."
"So I have you both to blame for never having a date?"
Jack flinched and shook his head. "That's not what I meant."
"I know what you meant, Jack. And I appreciate it. None of the guys my age were worth it, but it's hard being alone and it's funny that even when I thought I wasn't alone anymore, I still was in every way that mattered." He stepped closer to me and I stepped back, anxious to get to my temporary room and forget this conversation even happened. I was embarrassed about the girl I had been. Embarrassed that I had allowed myself to be taken advantage of so easily. But I was on a roll now and couldn't shut my mouth if I wanted to.
"I spent my entire life wondering what it was like to be cherished and
loved. Not the cherished and loved that I got from my family, but the cherished and loved that I should have gotten from anyone else. Roger was the first one to show that to me. I had no idea that it wasn't real until it was too late."
"Ari."
"No, Jack. It's over now, it doesn't matter. I don't have the ability to focus on that part of my life. I've got too many other things to take care of before I go back to being... well, a woman that just wants to be loved."
"Ari, I -"
"Let me finish," I said sharply and held my hand up in between us. He shut his mouth and nodded.
"I know I should be grateful for what I had and I have no one to blame but myself for the decisions I made, but that doesn't stop me from wanting to be that woman. Every woman just wants to find that kind of love, that kind of companionship, but I'm not like them anymore."
Jack's frown deepened and I could see that he wanted to argue.
"I mean," I stuttered, trying to find the words to make him understand. "I'm like them… only instead of finding my Prince Charming, I landed in the tower with the evil surrounding me. It's not simple to climb out, but the idea of escape is always there. Always in the back of your mind. Doesn't mean you will actually do it. Just that you want to more than anything."
"So you took the risk of staying with a man who was just... there."
Well when he put it that way, I sounded like a fool.
"There are some risks you take because you know you can't handle what you are leaving behind, Jack. Then there are other risks you take to survive in the shit."
"You survived," he said proudly, closing some of the distance between us. I could see in his eyes that he wanted to comfort me, to give me something to be proud of.
I wasn't ready for that. Not when he had no idea what he was comforting me for. It wasn't just Jake and Jack that suffered the consequences of their actions so long ago.
"I survived," I stated. "I had a reason to. Still do."
"And what is that?"
I turned away from him and moved my tired body down the hallway. I wasn't going to take any more risks. I wasn't going to be the one that put the shattered pieces of myself out there for someone else to stomp on. And I wasn't going to bring up the real reasons I stayed with Roger.
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