"You tell me, Jack."
Chapter Nine
"Is there really no way to reach me?
Am I already gone?"
The Fray 'Vienna'
A Moment
My arms burned, my lungs burned, my thighs burned. Good God, everything burned. We had been going at it for more than an hour and I wanted to stop and bury myself under some blankets while I devoured a gallon of ice cream. My wrapped fists made contact with the bag, the resistance making my muscles contract and pulse.
After weeks of training, I had tripled my endurance, but it still felt like I had been hit by a train after every session with Jack. He pushed me hard, like I wanted him to, and he never let me quit.
I swung my arm, connecting hard with the bag and quickly brought it back to guard my face. I followed his instructions to the letter, performing the combinations he called out without hesitation.
My legs wobbled, struggling to hold my weight. The muscle I had gained wasn't much, but it was enough to tell my body and mind that I was stronger. Jake and Jack didn't let me skip meals and I never wanted to. They thought they were controlling the situation, but they didn't realize that they had nothing to control.
I moved into the apartment next to Jake's because I wanted to be close to him. I had dinner with my brother and Jack and Amanda almost every night because I wanted the company. I pushed myself as hard as Jack told me to push because I wanted to be better.
I had all the control, yet, I still felt hollow.
"Keep going, Ari. You're slowing down, babe! Keep it up."
I kept going. My arms begged me to stop, my legs were refusing to keep me up.
I swung at the bag once more, the force of my punch pushing the bag against Jack and moving his solid frame enough to make me want to smile. The power of that last hit took away my breath and before I could stop myself, I stepped back and tried to just get in one breath. Tried to will my tired muscles to move.
"Keep going, Ari!"
I was gasping for that one breath and it came the very second the dizziness started. I shook my head and lifted my guard once more, but my arms didn't move past my stomach and I couldn't make them.
"I can't," I groaned, still reaching for that air.
"You can! You have to! You think he is going to let you take a break? You think he will back off and let you regroup? No! You think he'll let you rest? He won't, Ari. Not until he's done and men like that are never done. He won't stop and neither should you! Now get over here and break. This. Bag."
Jack always knew what I needed.
The past few weeks had proved it over and over again and I was starting to wonder if he had been aware of my thoughts all along and if he only ever asked how I was doing just to put on a show.
I took a deep breath, sucking in the blessed air. I cleared my mind the way I had practiced and tried again. My arms lifted to where I needed them and I closed in on the bag Jack was still attached to.
I channeled all my thoughts on Roger. Everything he had done to me, everything he had said to me that made me feel any less worthy. I channeled it and I used it. I had been using it every time I was with Jack in his gym, following his instructions. I channeled it when I was so exhausted that I couldn't see straight. I channeled it because it kept me going even when I knew I shouldn't.
I won't give up until he's dead.
I pushed harder than I ever had before until Jack finally told me to stop.
"Good," he said and moved toward me while I breathed through the pain and cooled down my aching limbs. He always watched me carefully, as if he was waiting for me to collapse, but I never did. Tonight, however, his gaze was even more cautious, suspicious.
No matter how much my endurance had increased, it would always be pushed to its limits with Jack. He wasn't just good at training these fighters, he was amazing at it and watching him direct them was mind blowing, but hearing him direct me was much more satisfying.
I was finally getting somewhere and I wanted to push myself harder. Farther.
"We are taking a break this week," Jack stated with his arms folded over his massive chest.
"What? Why?" I asked, shocked because he always knew what I needed and I needed this.
"Because you need a break, Ari. You're pushing yourself too hard. Are you sleeping?"
"Yes, Jack," I lied. I wasn't sleeping. Not more than a few hours a night and not very well. If it wasn't my nightmares keeping me up, it was the thought of seeing Roger again or the thought of falling back into that pit I had been trying to claw my way out of. The last few nights, though, were the hardest. Everywhere I went, I felt eyes on me and everywhere I looked, no one was watching.
"Are you eating right?"
"You know I am, Jack."
He nodded and went back to the first question, his voice gentle. "Are you sleeping, Ari?"
I turned away and dug through my bag until my fingers wrapped around my water bottle and it was as if I had been crawling through a desert for days. I ignored his question and drank greedily, so focused on the cooling sensation spreading through my body, that I didn't notice Jack was lifting my tank top until his fingers grazed my skin.
The tattoo had healed nicely and with just a couple of touch ups, it was complete. Jack seemed to be extremely proud of it. He always took the time to check it and make sure the skin wasn't irritated.
Apparently, he had given up on his question and I held back a sigh of relief. I didn't like lying to him, but if I told him the truth, he would stop helping me. It was an agreement he forced me to make in the very beginning. I had to take care of myself or we were done.
"It looks good. Any irritation?" Jack mumbled as his fingers ran over the lines of ink once more, checking for... whatever it is he checked for.
I shook my head and gulped more water as heat flooded my cheeks.
We had gotten closer. Talked more. Laughed more. Shared more. He was slowly becoming one of the most important people in my life again and the more I let him in, the more I wanted to run.
I didn't think my head or my heart could handle the hope of something beautiful.
It didn't help that Jake insisted that I come to the shop immediately after work every night and it didn't help that Jack was usually the one to pick me up from work either. The extra time with him was like a gift and a curse all at once.
He pulled my tank top back down, his knuckles grazing my stomach and my breath hitched. We hadn't talked about that night again. The night I poured my heart out without truly pouring my heart out. The night I told him how pathetic I had been. In fact, we both acted like it never happened when we were around each other. I pretended I didn't feel the longing in his eyes when he looked at me and he pretended like he didn't catch me staring back.
The only ones that acknowledged what was happening between us was... well pretty much everyone else. Jake shook his head at the two of us and tried to get me to tell him what the hell was going on. Amanda always ended up pulling Jack aside and getting into an intense conversation with him that I could never hear.
Reggie and Molly? Well, the two of them just smiled.
Molly took every opportunity she could to talk about Jack and Reggie was not far behind her. We had spent a few girl's nights chatting about the past, the future, the people in our present. It only took one time to get them to avoid asking me about Roger.
Reggie asked about a conversation she overheard between Jake and Jack and I shut her down quickly. After that, we all made the unspoken agreement that girl's night was not about anything that could possibly bring us down.
Janet had joined us on several occasions and the more I got to know her, the more I wanted to be around her just because it felt like walking through a damn rainbow when you were with her. She never stopped smiling, even when Molly screamed at her to frown, just once so the rest of us would feel better.
I had missed out on those kinds of things and now that I had them, I didn't want to let them go.
"How is the campaig
n for West Ink going?" Jack asked as he helped me unwrap my hands and massaged my knuckles and forearms. It didn't matter how much he did it or how readily I expected it, it always sent a swarm if butterflies through my stomach to have Jack touching me so tenderly.
"It's going really well. Jake has had quite a few calls from other states scheduling conventions and he said that his schedule is filling up a little farther out. I think it was a big help to change up the website and open a few social network accounts. More people are seeing his work."
"That's great, Ari. I knew you'd be able to help. You're good at that shit and you have the ability to pull people in without even trying."
I chuckled dryly, "I don't think it's all me. Jake's work is unbelievable. He just needed people to see it."
"It's you, Ari. Jake does better in general with you around anyway."
I rolled my eyes and tried not to smile too big. "Thanks, Jack."
He winked at me and continued to massage my arms as I mentally went over what the rest of the night would bring. I was supposed to meet with Jake later to go over a new campaign to promote a new tattoo artist he was planning on bringing in. With his schedule filling up, he wouldn't be able to keep up. Especially with those tats that required hours of work just to draw up. Reggie helped organize the schedule perfectly, but the help was needed and Jack still wasn't willing to go on full time even though he had been helping more and more.
"I've got to make some calls, so why don't you finish up and we can get going," Jack said. He bent down and kissed my forehead like he always did.
If it wasn't for the frustration that had been building for weeks, I might think that our friendship had picked up right where it left off. Except I knew I wasn't even close to being okay with something platonic. If anything, my attraction to Jack had just gotten more intense and I was aware that he was seeing me a lot differently, too.
But we were still pretending like nothing was happening and it felt safer that way. For him and for me. Jack deserved someone who could give him everything, someone who didn't have pieces of her lying all around. Someone who didn't have a crazy psychopathic ex-boyfriend still trying to control her.
"Arianna?"
I turned at the sound of my name and came face to face with coffee brown eyes and a flirty smile.
"Detective Mackenzie? What are you doing here?" My smile faltered when I thought of what his presence might entail. Had they found Roger? Oh God, was he in town?
"It's Sean, please. And I'm here because I heard you were spending a lot of time here at Milestone and I just wanted to check up on you."
"Well, I haven't heard anything from Roger and I'm still not pressing charges," I said quickly and felt my face pale.
His hand reached out and rested on my shoulder as he smiled. The gesture wasn't meant to be intimidating and I knew that damn well, but I still felt my skin tingle at his touch and not the kind of pleasant tingle I felt with Jack.
"That's not the reason I'm here. Although I will tell you we haven't located him yet and that you should continue to be careful, but I think if he comes back into town, someone will see him. I really just wanted to make sure you were alright. I know Jack and your brother are taking good care of you from what I hear, but I wanted to see for myself."
"Oh."
"And," he sighed and looked me up and down. "You look great."
"Thanks," I blushed at his compliment and the heat in his eyes. His perusal didn't leave that familiar filthy feeling behind like it did with Roger. In fact, it felt kind of nice to be looked at that way by a man who wasn't a prick and I decided not to shrug off his hand after the realization hit me.
Sean seemed like a good guy. We had run into each other a couple of times in the last few weeks, but never long enough to say anything more than a quick hello. He came into the pub on occasion, but never sat in my section. From what Molly had told me, the man was sweet as pie when his badge wasn't on and a hard ass when it was. He never gave Jack or Jake a hard time, but there was always a sense of competition when they all saw each other and he always seemed suspicious of my brother. Jake said not to worry about it and that all men did it.
Men.
I would never understand any of them and I wasn't sure I ever really wanted to.
I pulled on my jacket and zipped up my bag, glancing up at Jack's office. He never left me alone for long and I was ready to get home and shower.
"Are you two, um, together?" Sean asked looking back and forth between me and Jack's office.
I opened my mouth to tell him how ridiculous that idea would be, but nothing came out and I felt my stomach wobble with disappointment. Jack wasn't dating anyone and he spent the majority of his free time with me, but that didn't mean that he didn't find time to go out. Molly tried to convince me that he was "courting" me with all the time he was spending around me and I kept telling her to join us in the twenty first century.
I cleared my throat and tried again when Sean just stared at me in silence. "Um, no. We are friends. I've known him since I was a kid."
"I see. Well, in that case, would you like to have lunch with me on Saturday? I have the day off."
It was the last thing I had expected him to ask me and the last thing I actually needed, but a part of me wondered what it would be like. I hadn't really been out with a man since Roger and even though it was just lunch, it was a huge step for me.
I looked at Sean and saw the sincerity on his handsome face. He was very good looking, not the devastatingly sexy way that Jack was, but still... he was a nice guy. A good guy. I would just have to be straight up with him and tell him that I wasn't looking for anything serious right now until my circumstances changed, but I wanted to go to lunch with him and have an adult conversation that didn't dwell on how much sleep I was getting or if I was really doing as well as I said I was.
"I would like that. Thank you, Sean."
He gave me a flirty smile and winked, confidence just oozing out of him. "I'll pick you up at eleven then on Saturday."
I smiled back and pulled the strap of my bag over my shoulder. Lunch never hurt anyone, right?
"Can I walk you out?" he asked and reached for my bag.
"That won't be necessary, Mackenzie. I've got it."
The bag slid from my shoulder and Jack pulled it over his own. He didn't really glare at Sean, but the look on his face was a clear message to the man telling him to back off. I felt a chill run down my arm with all the ice Jack was sending the man's way.
Sean didn't even flinch. He just smiled and turned to me before saying, "I'll see you Saturday."
Then he was gone and Jack hadn't moved a muscle. In fact, he had practically turned to stone in the seconds it took for Sean to get to the front door of the gym.
"What's on Saturday?" he asked slowly, quietly.
I cleared my throat again and adjusted my jacket, "He invited me to lunch."
"He did?"
"Don't sound so surprised. Jeez, I'm not that repulsive am I?" I chuckled without meeting his eyes. Eyes that were boring into my face and turning my cheeks into flames.
"That's not what I meant."
"I know, I'm just teasing you, Jack," I said as casually as I could. "He's a nice guy and I thought it wouldn't hurt to have lunch with the man."
"No, I guess not," he replied with a frown and started walking toward the front door.
I followed him, kicking myself the whole way for not being more confident about my decision. It really wouldn't hurt to see Sean, but was it what I really wanted?
No. And Jack knew that, but he wasn't going to try to convince me otherwise apparently.
The drive home was quiet. Jack drove with a frown the entire way and never once looked over at me. I turned up the radio and sang along to an old song by The Fray and pulled the tie from my hair to start unwinding my braid. My hair was getting a lot longer and I never wanted to cut it again. The way Jack always watched me as I braided it just before our work out made me feel sexy. Like one of those
women on shampoo commercials. I smiled at myself and combed my fingers through the tangled strands. The faint smell of my shampoo filled the cab of the truck and I closed my eyes, dreaming of a hot shower. I thought I heard a grunt from Jack, but when I looked over at him, he was concentrating on driving.
My head pressed back against the headrest and my neck felt like it could barely hold it up. I was exhausted, but my mind was racing a million miles an hour. I knew Jack wanted me sometimes and others, maybe not so much. Those times he acted like we were siblings or like I was just a friend that he was helping out. When we were alone, it was completely different. I felt taken care of, but it was more than that. I felt cherished and like we were exactly where we needed to be. When we were together, my past didn't matter and my future looked brighter.
Ever since he put that tattoo over my scar, it felt like I did have a beautiful future. Like I could turn my ugly life into something better.
The song ended and I looked over at Jack to see his jaw ticking wildly right before he slammed on the breaks and reached for me. I barely registered the feel of his fingers in my hair before his lips smashed against mine with a groan.
He was kissing me.
My entire body froze, but when his warm tongue traced my lips, I melted into the kiss. His lips were so soft and the taste of him was so delicious, I couldn't have stopped the kiss if I tried. He tugged me closer as his tongue tangled with mine and my hand found his arm, holding on for dear life.
I was drowning in his taste and the feel of his lips moving against mine. My head was spinning and all I wanted to do was stop time. Freeze this moment before Jack pulled away.
He kissed me like a starving man. It was the most passionate and soul crushing kiss I had ever experienced.
And it scared the shit out of me.
Jack suddenly pulled away and we both sat there staring at each other, trying to catch our breath. His eyes roamed my face and the grip he had in my hair loosened slightly. Our mouths were just centimeters apart, still breathing the same air and the electricity we created still crackled between us.
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