Going Solo (New Song)

by Barrett, Brenda

  Carson felt his pocket for his car keys and mumbled. "I am sorry about this."

  "Go," Aaron said firmly. "Give Mia an extra kiss for us tonight."

  *****

  Carson drove into the quiet middle class neighborhood where they lived. He turned left onto Sunrise Drive and slowly crawled up the hill. Mia was looking out the window; her face looked sad. Usually she was talking a mile a minute but this evening she was ominously quiet. Her ponytail was undone, and she looked as if she had taken her fingers and pulled her neatly combed hair all over her head.

  He patted her leg reassuringly then concentrated on the road. Alice would not know where they lived now. The thought came to him as he pulled into the garage of their four-bedroom house. They had only moved in two years ago. He had scrimped and saved, and put every bit of excess he had into building this home. It was a difficult few years because he had expanded the business as well.

  The house had a big yard, with a lawn, and a nice enough view of the city of Montego Bay. If you went upstairs, you could even catch a glimpse of the sea. Living on one side of him was a lawyer and on the other was a sprightly returning resident couple that he sometimes leaned on to baby-sit Mia. It was a far cry from his old neighborhood that was littered with zinc fences and board houses, in cramped yards with outdoor kitchens and bathroom sheds.

  He sometimes felt surreal when he drove into the community. This was a very different atmosphere from the district where he and Alice grew up.

  The garage door closed behind them and he turned off the car. "Aren't you coming out, Muffin?" He looked at Mia.

  She nodded listlessly and clutched her backpack to her chest. "I don't feel like eating," she said, looking at her father.

  "Come on, Mia." Carson said, getting out of the car. "You were fiery this evening. You had energy, verve and spirit. You were defiant. You wanted us to slam the door in Alice's face with disdain, and then suddenly you now have no energy."

  "I have thought about it over and over," Mia said, walking behind him as he opened the door leading to the kitchen, "and, I concluded, that something must be wrong with me for my own mother to abandon me."

  Mia walked past him and went into the kitchen, dropping her backpack on the floor.

  Carson grimaced. "Then something must be wrong with me because she left me too."

  Mia sat around a barstool. She was so self-absorbed that she did not hear her father's attempt to get her to lighten up. "Am I ugly, Daddy?"

  "God, no!" Carson said feelingly. "You are the most gorgeous twelve-year-old ever, and you are very beautiful where it counts most—your attitude and how you treat others. You, my girl, are a gem."

  Mia giggled. "Seriously?"

  "Seriously." Carson hugged her to him and closed his eyes. She reminded him of her mother at this age, beautiful inside and out. He released her.

  "Go bathe. You smell like that stray dog that you have been playing with at the shop."

  When she marched off to her room, he picked up her backpack from the kitchen floor and sighed.

  Dinner felt almost normal. They had Mia's current favorite dish, macaroni and cheese, and they skirted the issue that was uppermost in both their minds—Alice. They watched a documentary together in the living room until Mia fell asleep on his shoulder. He scooped her up and carried her to bed upstairs, tucking her under her zebra sheets. He was grateful that she was not awake to ask him questions about Alice.

  He turned off the television and sat in his recliner. He was not ready to go into his room just yet. He turned off the lights and sat in the dark. Only then did he allow the flood banks of his memory to be released. He closed his eyes from the impact of it.

  Chapter Two

  Summer 1990

  Carson was sure that there were important things going on in the world that summer. Yet for him the hottest song that was ever made was getting heavy rotation on the radio. He could not control himself, even in church he was singing M.C. Hammer's Can’t Touch This. It seemed as if everyone was using the “you can't touch this” line.

  He was bopping his head and swinging his body in the back row of Sister Kirk's class at church. She was looking over her glasses, her church wig slightly askew. She was talking about Samson and how disobedient he was, and how it resulted in him being ultimately blinded and dying with his enemies. She had pointedly looked towards the back where Carson, Ian, and Xavier were sitting. Whenever she looked away, Carson would whisper, "All the talk you talk, you can't touch this." It sent Xavier into a giggling fit, and Ian would imitate the neck movement that M.C. Hammer made while dancing.

  Before long, Aaron was looking around. He was placed one bench ahead of them by design. Sister Kirk did not want them sitting together. Aaron's fair skin was flushed. The effort it took to ignore his friends was telling. "I have it on cassette." Aaron whispered.

  "You do?" Ian asked, his mouth hanging open. "Cassette?"

  "Yup and daddy bought me a walkman, so I listened to it all day yesterday." Aaron continued. His wavy hair was slicked back. He looked slightly oily, as if his mother had smeared his forehead with the oil.

  "Can we get a listen?" Ian asked, his eyes widening in wonder. Having a walkman was a very big deal to him and Carson. Their parents could barely find food much less buy a frivolous item such as a walkman.

  "Listen to what?" Sister Kirk's voice seemed louder and when Carson looked up, he saw that she was almost on top of them.

  "You boys!" she huffed, "You are talking about devil music in my class…on the Sabbath?" Her voice was accusing. "I divided you, seated you in twos in different rows, and you still managed to disrupt the class! Okay." She slowly and purposely removed her glasses then said, "So you love music. Do you?"

  "Yes." Carson nodded vigorously.

  "Well," Sister Kirk said, "all six of you, get up here." She hobbled back to her seat at the front of the class. She had recently acquired the limp from a dog bite and she had unwisely treated it with candle wax and various herbs. The sore had festered and she had finally been forced to go to the doctor for treatment.

  "But we didn't do anything!" Jayce said, pointing to himself and Logan. "We are at the front."

  "You are guilty by association!" Sister Kirk said sternly. "All six of you are like one guilty mind."

  When all six of them gathered at the front of the eighteen-member class, Sister Kirk nodded. "Now boys, I want you to find Psalm 96."

  They all had blue Gideon International Bibles that they had gotten from their school. Those Bibles only had the New Testament and the books of Psalms and Proverbs. They took them out of their pockets reluctantly.

  "Now," she said, "these six boys will read the first three verses. No mistakes or else you will have to start over."

  It took them a while to find Psalm 96. It had so many verses and when they eventually found it, Sister Kirk had them stand beside each other in a straight line so that she could see their lips moving.

  "Start," she intoned threateningly.

  Together they read, "Sing to the Lord a new song; sing to the Lord, all the earth. Sing to the Lord, praise his name; proclaim his salvation day after day. Declare his glory among the nations, his marvelous deeds among all peoples."

  Ian kept mispronouncing the word "proclaim", and they had to start over several times until they finally got it right.

  "Now," Sister Kirk said with a glint in her eyes, "I want you six to sing to the Lord a new song, not that devilish song you enjoy so much. Since you like music so much, I figure you should be singing to the Lord. Don't you think? Didn't the verse just state that you should sing a new song?" They all nodded like automatons.

  Carson looked at her smug smile and then at the broad bandage on her leg. He entertained the unholy thought that the dog had not bitten her hard enough. He looked at his friends and Xavier, his brother, who stood head and shoulders over them. He shoved his hands into his pockets and tried to avoid eye contact. Carson swallowed. Not good. Everybody but him was staring at the f
loor. He knew a couple of songs, and his mother often said that he had a nice voice.

  He looked at the class and his eyes met Alice Murray's. She was in a frothy red and white dress. Her hair was caught in two fat plaits with red ribbons tied at the ends. Her thick hair almost reached her chin.

  She was smiling at him, her two dimples giving her face a naughty air. She had an angelic face, with large innocent brown eyes. She resembled the pretty girl on the front of his school exercise book that the Jamaica Tourist Board often used for their ads. Best of all, in the sea of faces she was the only one who was not giggling, whispering, and waiting to hear him and his friends embarrass themselves.

  Alice Murray lived five houses from where he lived in Norwood. She, her mother, and her little sister had just moved into the community. Her mother was Blue's girlfriend. Blue was a Rastafarian who ate pork, which was a constant joke in the community since Rastafarians were not supposed to eat pork.

  "Sing ‘The Lords Prayer’," Alice mouthed to him. He almost missed what she said. He was staring at her animated little face and thinking how really pretty she was. He liked her. That was enough to have him distracted until Sister Kirk cleared her throat noisily.

  He turned to his embarrassed friends and whispered to them, "The Lord's Prayer."

  "You start," whispered Jayce beside him, "and then I will come in. The rest of them can hum."

  "I can sing," Logan said indignantly.

  "And me too," Aaron frowned, "and I know it by heart."

  "Boys," Sis Kirk said, trying to deter them from having a fight over who could or could not sing.

  Carson started the song. He closed his eyes tightly at first. He didn't want all the eyes that were staring at them to be a distraction. "Our Father, which art in heaven, hallowed be Thy name."

  The boys joined in. He gave the song some energy, the way he heard it being sung at 5 a.m. every morning on his mother's favorite radio station, RJR. His mother usually turned it up high to wake them up before she left for work. They even put an impromptu flair in it, as if they had been singing together for a while.

  When the group had finished singing, he opened his eyes slowly. Mercifully, there was not even a hint of a snicker. The class was silent. When his eyes met Alice's, she gave him a thumbs up.

  Sister Kirk had a shocked expression on her face and Pastor Keen stood in the doorway nodding contemplatively.

  "I want to see the six of you after church, in my office," he said, smiling. "Good job."

  "Well you... er... did very well," Sister Kirk said reluctantly, as if it pained her to admit it. "There was actually some harmony there, for a group of twelve year olds who love the devil’s music," she tacked on. "Now remember Psalm 96 whenever you are tempted to give your singing talent to someone else. Sing a new song to the Lord."

  She ordered them back to their seats. It took her a while to find where she was in the lesson. She looked up at Carson over her glasses and shook her head, a small smile playing on her lips.

  *****

  "I spoke to your parents," Pastor Keen said, looking at the boys in front of him. "Every single one of them agreed that putting you in a band would be a good idea."

  "A band?" Carson frowned.

  "Yes," Pastor Keen said. "I have been toying with the idea of dusting off the musical instruments that we have in the basement and using them again. We have several down there but we have no one to play them. Meanwhile, the old organ that we have in the main sanctuary is on its last, and as you can hear, Bro. Stokes does not play as well as he used to. Old age will do that to you." He shook his head. "But you guys are young. Today when I heard you singing, it was like the Holy Spirit spoke to me and said, 'these are the future of music in this church.'"

  "He did?" Jayce asked with his eyes widened. "What did He sound like?"

  "It's just an inner voice, a certain knowing," Pastor Keen said hurriedly, Jayce looked like he was ready to grill the pastor with questions. The pastor did not want to entertain him any further because that could take all night.

  "I have worked out a plan. All of you will learn to play an instrument. I have three dedicated teachers who are willing to teach you this summer. Everyday at ten, I want you here at church."

  Carson and Xavier groaned. Carson was enjoying hanging out at Petey's Mechanic Shop and Xavier followed his mom to work at the Knight's mansion, where he could get to watch television, eat the most delicious foods, and participate in tea with Farrah Knight and her dollies. Nobody expected Xavier to do anything much because of his crossed eyes.

  "So it's a done deal," Pastor Keen said, smiling at them. "Lunch will be provided. You will have a good time. You may go now." He paused and continued, "One more thing: I like the theme of the verses from Psalm 96 that Sister Keen had you read today—A New Song. If you guys ever become a band, you can name your band that."

  He ushered them out, watching as they raced through the church hall, pushing and shoving each other. He really hoped he was doing the right thing in getting them into a band. He could not see how it would work but surely the Lord knew the future.

  *****

  When Carson and Xavier found their mother, she was outside talking to a group of ladies. She frowned at them when they barreled toward her. They stopped at a polite distance from her and waited.

  They looked around for their friends in the meantime. The Cedar Hill churchyard was a boy's paradise to run and frolic in after church. It was situated on the top of a hill, on about five acres of land. At one section of the property were a preparatory school and a high school that were run by the church. In another area, there was about an acre of mango trees. There was also a view of the pier where cruise ships docked.

  "Don't you dare move!" Delores looked at her boys. She had taken them to church this morning looking impeccable. Now they looked as if they had been thrown into a washing machine with dirt instead of detergent.

  They lived quite far from the Cedar Hill community, so they usually had lunch at church and stayed for the evening service. To reach home they would either get a lift from one of the generous church brethren who had a car, or walk the seven miles to Norwood, an informal settlement where the poorest in Montego Bay lived.

  Delores was talking to a fellow resident of Norwood, Emilia. She had come to church that day at Delores' invitation and she had liked it. She found the fellowship and the warmth both unexpected and welcomed. Emilia was new to the area, having come from rural Trelawny to live with her youngest child's father, Leo "Blue" Chapman. Blue was a gardener at the Palm Tree Hotel and had settled in Norwood. Emilia had not yet found work.

  "Let us walk down." Delores said, indicating to her fidgeting boys to follow her.

  "Have you seen Alice?" Emilia looked at the boys, "She was right here before you boys showed up."

  "I'll find her." Carson volunteered, running off. He had not told her thanks for suggesting the song or for cheering him on in Sabbath School that morning.

  "Don't loiter around!" Delores warned him as he ran back to the church. The choir was rehearsing for a funeral the following morning. He looked through the window.

  He saw her sitting in the second bench from the front, her eyes fixed on the choir. She was nodding and singing along with the choir.

  He went to the door and tried to get her attention but he had to actually walk over and touch her before she jumped and looked at him frightened.

  "Sorry," he mumbled. Her little shoulder felt bony under the dress and he could feel the tremor of her body through the thin fabric. Why was she so jumpy though? It was just a tap on the shoulder.

  "Your mother is ready," he said, holding out his hand for her to take it. "We are going to walk down."

  Alice got up reluctantly and put her hand in his, following him outside.

  "You like singing and all of that stuff?" Carson asked her, not quite knowing what to say to her. Alice nodded to his question. She was a self-possessed little girl. Her eyes were big and solemn. She felt as if she were m
uch older than he knew she must be. How old was she? Ten? He wondered.

  "How old are you?" he asked to be sure.

  "I will be ten," she said, "on January the first. Mama said nobody can forget my birthday ever."

  Carson chuckled. At twelve, he felt as if he were much older than her. She was just a baby, he thought. He should not like her but he found that he did.

  "Thank you for suggesting the song this morning. The pastor asked us to come and practice for a band. Me and the guys are going to learn instruments and all of that stuff." he said boastfully to fill the silence as they neared the bottom of the grassy slope, heading toward their parents.

  She stopped and spun around, her eyes wide with excitement. "Can I come too?"

  "No girls allowed," he snorted. "Pastor Keen wanted just us," he added; though he did not know if that were true.

  "I am coming too," Alice said defiantly. She dragged her hand from his.

  "No, you are not!" Carson said, regretting that he told her. When they reached their parents, the first thing that Alice did was announce that she was going to be practicing all summer in Carson's band.

  Xavier gave him an astonished look and Carson shrugged. What would it hurt if the little girl tagged along anyway? It would not hurt anybody.

  Chapter Three

  Alice sat at the poolside of the Apple Motel in the early morning. The sun had just come up. The day was still somewhat cool. The motel was situated on a hill and had a lovely view of the Caribbean Sea, and she inhaled slowly, taking in the beauty of the sunny day and the gentle, surreal, bright blue sea in the distance. She pinched herself again. She could hardly believe that she had finally taken the major step of buying herself a ticket and boarding a plane to Jamaica. When she left ten years before, she had thought that she would never come back, not even for Carson.

  She had really wanted to leave and she had feared if she did not she would have gone crazy. What she had not banked on was that leaving this place and these people behind would not solve her problem. It had been a long slow healing for her and even now she was not altogether sure that she was okay.