Going Solo (New Song)

by Barrett, Brenda

  He usually chose to tell her about Alice as a young girl. He hoped that by telling her those stories, Mia would see the picture of Alice he had in his head and at least have a fond feeling toward her mother.

  "Yes, I saw her," he nodded. At least in this he could be honest.

  "And?" Mia asked a little bit too eagerly.

  "And, she is going to...," he searched his mind for the right words. He could not tell that he fear that she may slink off like a coward back to the States and lavish her cat, Candy, with the affection that she could not give Mia.

  "Work on herself." he said lamely. He hoped that was true. "And then she will see you."

  "But," Mia's lips trembled, "I prayed about it last night. I was mad at her for coming back into our lives but the truth is, I was praying for that."

  "You were?" Carson clipped on the air cleaner he was holding and wiped his hand on a rough piece of cloth. His heart was cracking under the pressure of Mia's pain. Her little triangular face was heart wrenchingly sad. He did not know she was praying for her mother to come home.

  He held out his hands and she rushed into his arms, hugging him for dear life. The tears then started. He figured that many thoughts regarding her mother had been running through her head during last few days and she was finally succumbing to them.

  "Mia," he said as he released her when the convulsive shaking of her body stopped, "you are loved." He looked into her tear-streaked face and held her little chin in his hands. "I love you more than I can say. I love you more than ten fathers and ten mothers put together." He used his thumb and swiped away a tear. The gesture reminded him so much of times in the past when he had done the same for Alice. His heart ached. His two girls were hurting and both of them needed each other. If only Alice would see that.

  "You know I met your mother when she was ten," he said to her gently. "She was a little spitfire, almost like you, except that you are a super-girl because you know so much about cars. She didn't understand my 'car language', as she would call it."

  Mia grinned through her tears and Carson breathed an inward sigh of relief. He dreaded the time when Mia would become a brooding teenager, bitter and resentful about Alice's absence from her life. That clock was ticking.

  He continued with his decoy conversation, trying to make her forget her sadness, and also do some much-needed PR for Alice. She needed all the help she could get before she saw Mia again.

  "Alice loved singing, though. We did duets together all the time. She was the only girl in the band, right from the start: six guys and Alice," Carson mused. "Come to think of it, she was somewhat of a super-girl too. She learned to play all the instruments we had—the piano, guitar, saxophone and drums—while all of us were still struggling with a single instrument. She is not a bad person, Mia. I am hoping that you will get a chance to know her."

  Mia nodded. Her eyes were still tearful but she had calmed down. There was no more sniffling and shaky breathing.

  "Want to help me finish the engine?" he asked Mia gently.

  Mia straightened her spine and got up. "Yes, let's do it."

  *****

  "I heard that Alice is back." Carson’s mother called his phone as soon as he stepped into the office. He had just seen Mia off to get ice cream with Ruby. Ruby had cut her eyes at him and had given him a brief, cold hello, so he figured that Ian had told her what he said about her poisoning Mia's mind toward Alice and he figured that she was not happy about it.

  He tuned into his mother's voice. She sounded stuffy, as if she had a cold.

  "How do you know this, Ma?" he asked. "Aren't you all the way in Canada? Are you back in the island and didn't tell me about it?"

  "News travels fast," Delores said, "And nothing happens in my backyard without me knowing."

  "Montego Bay has not been your backyard for eight years now." Carson grinned over the phone. He always enjoyed talking to his mom. She had perfected the art of being gruff but she was really a softie underneath the gruffness.

  "I hope she does not contact Mia unless she has serious intentions to stay," Delores said. "She can't play with that little girl’s heart, or yours for that matter." Delores added. "Is she staying at your place?"

  "No, that's it," Carson said. "Maybe I should ask her to stay at our place."

  Delores grunted. "I don't know about that. When she leaves again, it will be tough on you and Mia. And please, I beg you, don't sleep with her and get all tangled up with her physically."

  "Too late." Carson said, closing his eyes and imagining Alice's silky skin under his touch.

  "Don't be foolish," Delores said. "I hope you used protection because you'd be raising another baby when Alice decides to leave you again."

  We did not. Carson thought to himself. It had not even crossed his mind, until now. Maybe Alice was on the pill. If she got pregnant, it would not be the disaster it had been a couple years ago. He would not mind having a baby around. Despite the circumstances, he had really enjoyed Mia as a baby.

  "Carson, you stupid son! Are you there?" Delores coughed.

  "Yes, I am here," Carson said. "Why am I the stupid son? What smart thing has Xavier done lately?"

  "He is stupid too," Delores said. "He told me that he is selling out his share of his manufacturing business and moving back to Jamaica to do photography."

  Carson chuckled. "Photography was always his favorite hobby."

  "But to sell his business?" Delores said, disgusted.

  "Ma, if Xavier sells that business, he will be a multi-millionaire. He'll never have to even think of working again. His children will never have to think of working. That company sold specialized computer parts and holds patents for products that Xavier developed. He will get paid for the rest of his life."

  "I don't know what on earth you are talking about!" Delores said grumpily, "I have never had a head for all this fancy computer business. All I know is that my two sons’ personal lives are in shambles. For one you got married too early, when you didn't have to, and Xavier is just plain strange. Do you think he is gay?"

  "No he is not gay! He is just different," Carson said, chuckling. "Don't let him hear you say that."

  "Always protective aren't you?" Delores said, a hint of pride in her voice. "I guess I didn't do too badly raising the two of you, did I?"

  "No, you didn't," Carson said readily.

  "Let me talk to Mia," Delores said roughly, as if she was fighting tears.

  "She is not here," Carson said gently. "Maybe you should call back tomorrow morning."

  Delores coughed. "If I call in the morning, she will be in the garage. Every time I call to speak to Mia, she is in the garage. That is no place for a girl, Carson."

  "An ordinary girl," Carson said, chuckling, "but my Mia is no ordinary girl."

  Delores sighed. "Maybe I should have her come up and spend time with me this summer. Maybe the two of us can do some girly things. She enjoyed herself with me the last two summers."

  "No, Ma, not this summer," Carson said quickly. "Alice is here, remember?"

  "Send her up when Alice is gone then," Delores said. "Maybe a new environment will help her to heal after Alice is finished with her and with you. Last time she left you almost worked yourself to death."

  Carson sighed. "I wish you'd be more positive about this whole situation."

  "And I wish that you would shake this Alice obsession. I've always wished that," Delores said wistfully, "but we both know that mere wishes are not going to do a thing."

  Carson chuckled. "Bye, Ma. I will have Mia sitting and waiting in the office for your call in the morning."

  When he hung up the phone, he thought about calling Alice. She had called him earlier from her cell phone and he had saved the number. He wanted to call her but he had practically given her an ultimatum. He sank into his chair and put his feet up on the desk.

  A few days ago, he was not even actively thinking about Alice but now that she was here he felt an intense craving to be with her. In just two days, h
is world had turned into a surprising upheaval. Now he wished he was in her arms and not thinking about the past, the present, nor the future except just being with her. He glanced at his watch. It was four o'clock. Ruby had said she would drop Mia off at home at around eight.

  He looked at his phone again. Nah, he would not call Alice but it was a good evening to go home early; maybe trim up his bougainvillea and mow his lawn. His yard was looking a bit unkempt and that was not acceptable in his neighborhood.

  He grabbed his briefcase and headed through the door.

  Chapter Nine

  Alice spent a restive day pacing the pool area after Carson had stalked off, leaving her at the pier. It did not help matters that Al Green's, "How Can You Mend A Broken Heart" was being played over the motel's public address system.

  The opening lines spoke to her deeply: I can think of younger days... I could never see tomorrow... I was never told about the sorrow. She was sobbing uncontrollably by the time the song had ended. She felt a hand on her shoulder and turned her tear-stained face in the direction of the touch. It was Herb.

  "It can't be that bad," he said, sitting across from her.

  "It's not," Alice said, wiping her face. "It's just that that song is speaking to me right now."

  She felt embarrassed. She was turning into a weeping, wimpy crybaby. She had spent years trying to suppress her emotions and her memories—her running away, as Carson had called it. This visit was eliciting such strong emotions that she wondered if she could stand up under the burden of it.

  "You have a broken heart, huh?" Herb said, sadly. "Trust me, it will pass."

  "My case is not the usual type of broken heart," Alice said. "I...er...coming here has been cathartic, I guess."

  She looked at her phone. She desperately wanted to call Carson and let him know that she would face the music as he said. Who was she kidding? She wanted to see him, to touch him, to burrow herself in his arms and forget everything, to fit herself so close to him that she would not know where he started or where she ended.

  She got up. "Excuse me, Herb."

  He nodded and she walked to the room.

  She washed her face, pulled on a tie-and-dye maxi dress, and pushed her feet in a matching pair of slippers. She called Carson. She had wanted to do it all day. Why deny herself now? Carson answered just as she stepped out of her room. Al Green's I'm So Tired Of Being Alone came on. She almost laughed out loud at how well the music was mirroring her mood.

  When Carson answered, she quickly said, "Can we meet somewhere?"

  Carson paused before answering her. "I'm at home. Just got in."

  Alice swallowed. "Is Mia there?" She knew her voice sounded timid but she did not want to face her daughter right now. She just wanted to be with Carson.

  "No," Carson said, "She's out with Ruby, Ian's wife."

  "Oh." Alice bit her lip.

  "She'll be back, around eight," Carson added helpfully.

  She looked at her watch. It was five-thirty. She could see him and then slip away before Mia got back or maybe she should not intrude in their lives. Visiting their home would make it much harder to leave when it was time for her to return to the States.

  "I'll call Ruby and ask her to keep her an extra hour," Carson said roughly.

  "Where do you live?" Alice asked, almost breathlessly. "I mean... I... er... I might show up."

  "It's fifteen minutes from where you are," Carson said. He gave her directions and hung up. He did not cajoled her or argue about her paltry “I might show up”. He heard the need in her voice. She left the pool area with Al Green's Here I Am, Come And Take Me, ringing in her ears. Alice almost ran to her car. When she arrived at the entrance to the gated community where Carson lived, she was taken aback.

  The neighborhood was very upscale and it was obvious that the neighbors had pride of place. There were verdant lawns and beautiful flowers. All the houses sat on large lots. She was dithering about calling him to make sure that she was at the right place when the wrought iron automatic gate slowly opened. She drove in, feeling strange and wondering whether Carson really lived there. She soon saw Carson standing on the veranda, shirtless, with a towel around his neck.

  "Just came out of the shower," he said, when she stepped toward the veranda.

  Alice swallowed. He was ripped. She could see his six-pack chiseled abs. She had felt them the other night but now she was seeing them in the golden glow of the afternoon sun.

  "I don't know why I am here," Alice whispered. Her throat was suddenly dry.

  "Because I am your booty call." Carson smiled at her. "Do you want a tour of the house first?"

  Alice blushed. "First?"

  Carson took her hand in his and led her through the living room. It had high ceilings and cut stone accent walls. They went up the stairs and into a room that had gray and green accents. The balcony door was opened slightly and a pleasant breeze was making the sheer curtains at the entrance billow in a foamy white stream. The golden sunlight gave the room an almost ethereal glow. Carson tumbled her onto the king-sized bed.

  "Listen to me," he said as he removed her dress and kissed her warm skin, "I can be your booty call anytime."

  Alice opened her mouth to clarify that she was not sure why she was there but he placed his lips on hers. At least he prevented her from telling a blatant lie.

  *****

  "What time is it?" Alice groaned. The sun was no longer out. The room was shrouded in darkness.

  "Seven o'clock," Carson said beside her. They were in the spoon position.

  "You smell like coconut," he said softly, caressing her hand lightly.

  He twined his fingers with hers. "Do you want to move in? We have lots of space."

  Alice suddenly sat up in the bed with her back to him. "Carson, I think we are moving too fast."

  "No, Alice, we are moving too slow. We are ten years behind. You are my wife. Give me one good reason why we should be sneaking around like love struck teenagers."

  Alice sighed. "Mia."

  "You are still not ready to talk to her?" Carson asked.

  "No." Alice shook her head.

  "She's just a little girl," Carson said. "What's so terrifying about saying hello?"

  "There is hello and then there is me moving in with her and her father," Alice said turning around and looking at him.

  "Okay, we'll take it slowly." Carson said. "May I invite you to church this Sabbath then?"

  "No," Alice said. "I'll never go back to Cedar Hill Church."

  "I thought you are here for healing and reconciliation," Carson said slowly.

  "I came here to move on," Alice said, "make a clean break."

  She lay back down beside Carson. He raised himself up on one elbow and looked down at her. "How is that going for you?"

  Alice giggled. "I am sleeping with my husband."

  "Definitely a step in the right direction," Carson said softly. He kissed her shoulder. "You go to church in New York, don't you?"

  "Yes." Alice sighed. "If it weren't for God's gracious mercy toward me, I'd be dead now. I have to give him thanks for everything. I love my church family there. They are the real deal."

  "What's wrong with us at Cedar Hill?" Carson asked.

  "Is... er," Alice asked reluctantly, "is Pastor Keen still there?"

  "No," Carson said. "He was in an accident nine years ago and is paralyzed from the waist down. I think he is also brain damaged. Sometimes his mind wanders. I try to see him every couple of months when I can, and he gets me mixed up with everybody; sometimes I am Xavier, sometimes Ian, sometimes, Logan."

  Good. Alice thought coldly. She looked at Carson and gave him a half smile. "Oh well, life happens."

  Carson looked at her with a frown. "You never did like him, did you?"

  "Nope," Alice said, "I have wished several times that he would rot in a hell somewhere."

  "Well, he is definitely doing that now," Carson said ruefully. "He is but a shadow of the man he once was. Seeing him
sitting in his wheelchair, helpless and barely functioning, really gets to me."

  Alice snorted. "He deserves what he has now."

  "What did he ever do to you to make you think such horrible thoughts toward him?" Carson asked curiously.

  "He forced you to marry me," Alice said shiftily. "Isn't that enough?"

  "I wanted to marry you," Carson said lightly. "I would marry you again, at the drop of a hat. I loved you then. I love you now."

  "You had your dreams and your plans," Alice said. "I completely derailed you."

  "And you were in those dreams and plans. I can't recall having any plans without you featuring in it. Things just shifted up a bit when you got pregnant."

  "And delayed you horribly," Alice said. "That was one of the reasons I left, you know. I felt guilty about the whole thing, about burdening you with my problems."

  "Why?" Carson asked. "You had nothing to feel guilty about. Your problems are my problems."

  Alice got up and shrugged. "You always wanted to own Petey's."

  "I own Petey's," Carson said. "You came by there. It's now called CarBell."

  "But it took you so long because of me."

  "No. It didn't. You were never a burden."

  "You used to work extra shifts and dutifully save all your tips just to take care of me and the baby."

  "You are so sweet when you take on that martyred air," Carson said. "I much preferred having you in my life than out of it and I would not give up Mia for all the garages in the world. Her birth may have been less than ideal but I am not sorry that she is here."

  Alice stepped into her dress. Carson just watched her. "You know, I have an extra car. The month's rental on that vehicle you are driving will cost a fortune."

  "Don't be kind to me," Alice said stiffly, "I am a bad person. I don't deserve it."