"She seems so grown up," Alice said. "I don't know what I was expecting."
"She is twelve. You remember when you were twelve? You were the same way—bright, affectionate, inquisitive. I am actually dreading her teenage years. I find myself worrying that I'll be a monster in my girl's eyes when I have to enforce rules and stuff."
Alice shook her head, "I doubt you'll have that kind of problem. Usually little girls, who have good relationships with their fathers, make better decisions in their teenage years or at least that's what I heard. I think I envy what the two of you have."
"It's never too late to establish some kind of link though," Carson said to Alice. "Mia has a great support system. She has more people looking out for her than you and I ever had but nobody can replace a mother." He got the ingredients for the pizza base and kneaded the dough.
"Or the thought of what a mother should be," Alice said. "Children have these fantasies about what they hope their mothers should be like but not all of us are so fortunate to have a good mother."
Mia raced downstairs just in time to help her dad roll out the flour then she busied herself getting the toppings.
Carson could not respond to Alice's last statement even though he wanted to.
Alice watched as they worked in tandem.
"Do you like pineapples?" Mia asked Alice shyly. She had been going from confident to shy in her reactions to her and Alice completely understood.
She nodded. "Sure. I like pineapples."
"I do too," Mia said, as if it was a huge deal that she had something in common with her.
"Today, I almost had a fight with Brad," Mia said to her father.
"Why?" Carson asked. He was leaning on the counter and watching Alice as she stared at Mia as if she was a strange and new life form. He swung his attention to his daughter.
"Because he keeps on pinching me in class and after church. He does it and runs away. I almost went after him today. I was this close!" Mia said pinching her fingers together, "but Sister Kirk stopped me." She put the pizza in the oven.
"She's still alive?" Alice asked, laughing. "That old bird has been dog bitten, almost drowned, was lost in the mountains at a retreat, and her house caught a fire when she was sleeping."
"So many things?" Mia laughed. "I only knew about the car accident. She was the only one who walked out with only a scratch." She turned around and looked at Alice.
"Today, when I was about to pinch Brad, she stopped me and said 'your dad had a hot temper, you know, and I had to reign him in. Don't think I can’t do the same for you, young lady!' She is walking with a stick now and she threatened me with it."
Alice swallowed hard.
Carson looked at Alice's stricken expression and coughed. "So what did you say?"
Mia grinned. "I said, 'I am so sorry Sister Kirk. Apparently the apple doesn't fall far from the tree.' Sister Kirk actually looked pleased with that old saying and grunted at me."
Alice jumped up. "May I use your bathroom?"
"You can use mine," Carson said quickly. "Let me remind you where it is."
He walked with Alice to the foot of the stairs. "Alice, get it together, everything you do is affecting Mia. Suddenly leaving like that can make her question what it is she said that was so upsetting."
Alice nodded. "I know, Carson, I am trying," she whispered. "Give me two minutes okay?"
Carson watched her as she walked upstairs and to his room.
He turned back swiftly and went to the kitchen. Mia was fidgeting uncomfortably. "Was it something I said?"
Yes, Carson thought but instead, he said, "Not exactly. Alice is a bit sensitive, especially when it comes to the subject of Cedar Hill Church."
"Why?" Mia asked.
Carson contemplated telling her but wondered what it would do to her if he did. He did not want Mia to feel hurt in any way. There would be no easy way to tell her about Alice's experience. There would be no easy way to tell her that he was not her biological father and he was not sure she was ready for the truth of why her mother went away. He was not sure Alice was ready to rehash what happened to her in the summer of '97. He was not even sure whether he was clear on the details himself.
He hugged her instead. "Trust me on this, Muffin, one day you will hear it all—why Alice went away and what happened before you were born. You have to hear it; it's only fair to you."
Mia looked at him, her eyes wide and almost frightened.
He kissed her on her forehead. "I'll be holding your hand through the telling. I will."
"But..." Mia said faintly. "Can't I just hear what it is?"
"I think we'll have to wait on Alice," he said gently. "Let her do it in her own time."
*****
They were sitting in the breakfast nook and playing a game when Alice finally pulled herself together and joined them downstairs. She had had to give herself a little pep talk in the mirror: You can do this Alice. Carson is here. You can always do things with Carson around. Mia is just one little girl who did not ask to be born but she is here anyway and Carson has done his best for her. She is articulate and much brighter than I could ever imagine a twelve year old would be. She grew up with strong emotional support from a whole host of people who love her. Relax.
"What are you guys playing?" she exhaled as she turned the corner to the kitchen. Carson looked at her, concerned.
"Everything all right?" he asked.
"Yes. Sorry I took so long upstairs," she said, before sitting around the table. "I know this game." She pointed at the Phase 10 cards. "I play it with my girlfriends sometimes."
"What's it like living in New York?" Mia asked, "Dad said you live in New York."
"Yes, I live there. It's busy. Most people are always on the go. I live in an apartment in a nicer section of Brooklyn with my cat, Candy."
Mia's eyes lit up. "Cool. I asked Daddy for a cat, and he said the cat would get lonely at home because we spend so much time at the garage."
"You could carry the cat with you to the garage." Alice said. "If it's safe enough and he won't get in the way."
"Yes, we could keep Kitty in the band room in the days!" Mia said excitedly.
Carson shuffled the cards and shared them out. "If Mia promises to take care of the cat, then we can have a cat."
"I would." Mia said. "I would brush my kitty and bathe it and..."
"Stop there!" Carson grinned. "Cats bathe themselves. You are going to thoroughly research caring for cats before I get you a pet cat."
Alice's eyes darted between them and her heart melted a little more. What if she could be a part of their unit? Could she do it? Could she forget?
"What grade are you in, Mia?" she asked suddenly. She did not even know which school Mia went to, what she liked, or what her hobbies were except for interior-decorating.
"I got back my GSAT results," Mia said. "I will be going to the Montego Bay High School for Girls."
"That's great." Alice said. "I wanted to go to that school."
"You did?" Mia asked her interestedly.
"Yes." Alice picked up a card and then put it down on the pack. "I did. I actually passed to go there. Studied with Carson and he did grill me." She smiled at Carson.
"You knew Dad from he was a little boy?"
"Yup, met him when he was your age. He was skinny and hadn't grown into his ears yet."
Mia giggled.
"Anyway, I didn't get into high school because it was too expensive." She bit her lip. "Mia you have no idea how absolutely blessed you are."
Mia looked at her solemnly then she looked down at her cards. "But why did you leave?" she asked shakily. "You love my Dad. Why did you go?"
"Because," Alice looked at Carson and held his gaze. He was raising his eyebrows at her too. "Because." She put down the cards and then tapped her fingers on the table. "I was feeling guilty and mixed up. I was thoroughly depressed. I had to preserve my sanity. I had to go."
Alice looked out into their fancily decorated living room
but she was seeing the cramped room where she had lived with Carson and Mia. "It was leave or die," she said out loud to Mia, "I would have died if I had stayed. I was not in a good state of mind."
Carson sighed.
Mia was looking at Alice with all sorts of questions in her eyes, questions Alice was not quite ready to answer.
Alice picked up the cards again. "I hope we can be friends, Mia."
Mia nodded solemnly. She could feel the tension rolling off Alice. She sensed, without Alice having to say it, that she did not want to talk about why it was leave or die. Her dad was looking at Alice with a deep compassion in his eyes that told her that he still loved her, even though she had left them. Mia wished that she was a grown up, at least they would have to tell her their secrets.
*****
Carson tucked Mia into bed after Alice left at ten. She was all wired up and so excited that he did not know if she would be able to sleep.
"Dad, can you adjust the AC? It's hot in here."
Carson adjusted the AC and lay down beside Mia. He was still in his church clothes. They had played Phase 10 and had eaten homemade pizza. He had, like an idiot, begun to dream that this could be his life from now on.
"You aren't going to sleep now, are you?" he asked Mia.
"She asked me if I wanted us to go shopping on Monday," Mia said excitedly. "You heard, didn't you Dad? I wasn't dreaming, was I?"
"Nope. You heard right. You are going shopping with Alice." Carson laughed.
"Yes," Mia said. "I wonder what she's doing tomorrow."
Probably recovering from today, Carson thought. Facing Mia could not have been easy.
"I know what you are doing," Carson said to Mia. "You are going to Mystic Mountain with your Aunt Melody and Uncle Logan and your cousins."
"Oh, yes," Mia said. "I wish we could take Alice."
Carson turned off the light and murmured, "Go to sleep."
"Tell me a story," Mia said.
"Once upon a time there was a little crossed-eyed boy named Xavier."
"Uncle Xavier!" Mia said excitedly. "I love Uncle Xavier stories."
Carson chuckled. "Now Xavier couldn't see very well because he had a condition named Strabismus. It was so bad that the doctors said to his mother, Delores..."
"Grandma." Mia yawned.
"If you keep interrupting, the story will never end," Carson said wearily. "The doctor said, 'Miss Bell, your son needs surgery by the time he is eighteen or else it will be very painful for him.' But Miss Bell could not find the funds..."
He heard a little snuffling sound and when he looked over at Mia, she was fast asleep. He got up from the bed and kissed her on the cheek. He couldn't love her anymore if he tried. He really hoped that Alice would come to love her the same way one day.
Chapter Twelve
Alice got out of bed at 5:00 in the morning and walked to the poolside. Everywhere was still. It looked like it was still night. She could see the twinkling stars and the lights in the city below. She leaned on the rail and inhaled. The air was not as pure as it should be. She still smelled the vestiges of cigarette smoke, maybe from a party by the now still poolside.
She had been so agitated last night after she got back from meeting Mia that she swam in the pool until she was exhausted. Her hands literally could not move to make one more stroke. She thought that level of exhaustion would be enough to send her to bed in a dreamless exhausted sleep but she was disappointed. Her mind had been reinvigorated—she tossed, turned and dreamt up scenes from her childhood; especially ones in which her mother featured prominently.
Her therapist, Megan, in their weekly therapy sessions, some years ago, had once asked her how she felt towards her own mother. She had laughed a bitter, humorless laugh that needed no explanation. Her mother was dead to her for twelve years now. Emilia Bradshaw may well be alive but she had no intention of finding out if she was despite her therapist’s suggestion for her to add her mother to the list of people she needed to reconcile with.
She heard Megan's voice in her ears. "Alice, sustained anger and bitterness will cause you problems later on in life. They will manifest themselves in aches and pains, and cancers. Plus they can keep you out of the kingdom of heaven. As a Christian, it is imperative that you lay these feelings to rest, put them away, and create a new way. I am not saying that you have to forget but you need a renewal. If your thoughts and emotions are poisoned, your physical body will suffer and so will your future relationships."
She did a mental check of the persons on her list. At the top was Mia, followed by her mother.
She had already met Mia and despite having braced herself to feel nothing, she liked her, so much so that she had wanted to get to know her even better. She had been prepared to feel the loathing that she had felt when Mia was a baby but it was not there. That loathing was layered with guilt and anger. She did not feel that way anymore, except for the guilt. That was what she was in Jamaica to resolve.
Lord, please tell me I am doing the right thing by getting myself involved in Mia's life. She stood at the rail and waited for the sunrise; only then did she go inside and call Carson.
"It's me," she whispered when he answered.
"I know," Carson said, "I guess you could feel me thinking about you."
"I barely slept last night," Alice said, "and I must have swum like fifteen laps in the pool. I was thinking and dreaming and just unsettled. Yesterday was a big day for me and Mia."
"Yes," Carson said. "She is so excited that she's going shopping with you, and for her it takes precedence above going out with Logan and Melody."
"Who is Melody?" Alice asked.
"She is Logan's wife. He got married six years ago. They have a son and a daughter—twins. Mia loves to play with them."
"She is a credit to you," Alice said softly. "A girl who can do interior decorating and work on cars, loves to read and can cook. She's so confident and has a sunny personality. Bravo, Big Daddy!"
Carson chuckled. "Thanks. I wish I could take credit for everything but my mom had a lot to do with the cooking and decorating bit. She's always fretting that I am going to turn Mia into a tomboy because of the car thing, so since she moved to Canada, Mia spends most summers with her and they do girl things. That takes the pressure off me for a while."
Alice cleared her throat. "I have another big thing to do while I am here."
"What's that?" Carson said, ignoring the pain that he heard in her voice. He could not think of her leaving again. Already he was getting used to having her around and it was just a few days.
"I have to go and see Emilia."
Carson was silent.
"Are you still there, Carson?" Alice asked, a breathless feeling of panic taking her over. "Don't tell me she's dead or something like that because I would just die. I need to see her face to face and give her a good cussing!"
"She's not dead," Carson said, "She is around. Remember how you banned her from seeing you, while we were still in Norwood, after you got pregnant with Mia? Well when you left I kind of, er, needed her to babysit for me and I er..."
"What?" Alice squealed.
"She's my housekeeper. She comes by on Wednesdays and Fridays, keeps the place clean, washes, irons, that sort of thing," Carson said quickly. "You didn't think I could keep my place as clean as it is by myself, did you? She needed the money after she lost her job at the school canteen and..."
"Back up!" Alice said menacingly. "You hired her as your housekeeper? Does Mia know that she is her grandmother? And when did she lose her job? How could you do this to me?" She finished on a wail.
"Do you want to come over?" Carson asked cautiously. "You sound like you could do with a face to face shouting match."
Alice snorted. "Answer me. Does Mia know she's my mother?"
"Yes," Carson said slowly. "I send her to Emilia for weekends sometimes. She's family, Alice. What did you want me to do, lie?"
"What else don't I know? Alice asked, disgruntled.
"Well," Carson said with a pause, "Blue came out of prison six years ago. He only served six years. He has a landscape business now or should I say he hires men to work on big projects? He improved his skills while in the prison work program and is doing fairly well."
"Are they still together?" Alice asked rubbing her head.
"No." Carson was responding to her as if she was slow witted. "I would never send Mia to their place if that was the case. He went to prison because he's a pedophile. Something that you know quite well."
"Does Emilia still live in Norwood?" Alice asked. She was feeling almost feverish.
"No." Carson was still cautiously answering her. "She lives in Brighton. It's a nice neighborhood, garbage is collected on Wednesdays, all the houses have garage receptacles, and there are nice clean streets to walk on. It's very different from our neck of the woods back in the day. She... er... got married shortly after Blue went to jail. Her new husband is a music teacher. His name is Bernard."
"Why did she lose her job at the school canteen?" Alice was processing the information one piece at a time.
Carson sighed, he sounded like he was settling in for a long question and answer session. "They were cutting staff. It was about four years ago when we moved to Sunrise Drive, so I hired her."
"Why did you keep in touch with her?" Alice gritted out.
"Because," Carson said patiently, "I don't know why you suddenly hated her and stopped seeing her. You have never told me and she breaks down and cries every time your name is mentioned. I thought that it would have been the opposite reaction. She helped send Blue to jail. I thought you'd have been pleased about that."
Alice squeezed her eyes shut. "Carson, there are things about '97 that I haven't told you."
"I know that," Carson grimaced into the phone, "and ‘98 too. Remember the day by the water tank? The scariest day of my life to date."
"I will tell you," Alice said, on a sob, remembering the absolute despair of that day so vividly that for a second she gasped. "I swear. I'll tell you, okay?"
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