"Okay," Carson said concerned. "Want me to come over?"
Alice sniffed. "I wanted you to take me to see Emilia but I don't think I'll do that today."
"I have a hammock at the back of my house. It's under an almond tree. It's in a really pretty private spot. You can use it if you want."
"I think I need to be alone," Alice said after a pause. "Wait," she asked hoarsely, "How is Friya?"
"Friya is a nurse at the hospital. She was Mia's baby sitter too. I had to use all the help I could get back then. Both your brothers are in college."
"You found a way to make it work," Alice said chokingly. "I can't be mad about anything. I'll call you later, okay?"
"Oh, Alice," Carson said, clutching the phone, feeling the helplessness of a few years ago creeping up on him. Alice was like this all the time before she suddenly disappeared from his life: unhappy and depressed. He felt panicky. What if she went back to New York and closed him and Mia out of her life again?
He heard the click of the phone when she finally hung up and found that his heart was racing as if he had just done a sprint.
*****
Alice hung out with Mia on Monday, and she had enjoyed her chatter and her views on life so much that she made a date for the two of them to go for a spa treatment on Tuesday. She had so much tension in her bones that she thought it was a good way to release them. She also knew that this tension was not going away until she made a move to face the past and reconcile the turmoil in her mind.
The spa treatment and massage offered a temporary relief for her and it certainly excited Mia. She was so on top of the world that Alice felt guilty. Mia was acting like a plant that had been watered after days of neglect. She was drinking up Alice's attention like she was starving.
It shamed her into going to the garage on Wednesday evening to ask Mia and Carson out for dinner. She had only glimpsed him briefly when she picked up Mia on Monday and Tuesday but she understood that he was taking a step back, not wanting to intrude on their time together. She missed him so much that she ached. This did not bode well for when she had to leave at the end of June.
She drove up to the auto store and really got the chance to take it in, unlike when she had arrived the first day. It was a spacious place. It had an auto supplies store, a food mart, and a garage area where car washing, wheel alignment, and detailing were done.
There also was a huge, square warehouse that had an office sign at the front and a rock garden with blooming cactus plants. Carson had really done what he had always intended to do in the first place—make a go at Petey's and offer add on services. Obviously, the area was vastly improved since those early days.
She pressed the buzzer at the office door and went inside when it opened with a click. It was a plain reception area with a young lady sitting at a desk in the corner; her fingers flying fast over the computer keyboard.
"May I help you?" she asked Alice politely.
"I am here to see Carson Bell."
"Mr. Bell is at band practice now," she said, "It's on the other side of the warehouse. Just turn left around the corner and walk up the flight of stairs. It's the big red door."
"Thanks." Alice said going through the door and smiling. She remembered the days when they practiced in the church hall as often as they allowed. It was only at that time that they could use the church's equipment. She walked around the building and up the flight of stairs and pressed the buzzer.
"State your name, age and vocal range." A voice came over the system. It sounded like Ian's.
Alice laughed. "My name is Alice Bell. Age: 29. Vocal range: soprano."
The door buzzed open and she pushed in and was pleasantly surprised to see the space that she walked into. She was expecting a dark warehouse space with a lot of junk scattered in the place and the band occupying a small space with just a few pieces of equipment jammed into a corner.
Instead, where she entered was a small patio like space that even had an umbrella stand and a place for hanging up raincoats. She could see into a spacious reception area with a stage, where all the musical instruments were. They even had stage lighting and microphones. It was set up like a small concert hall, except that there were comfortable chairs strewn around where one would expect to find seating for the audience. When she advanced further into the room, she spotted a small kitchenette and a large television mounted on a wall.
The door swung shut behind her and made a clicking sound. The guys were sitting around and staring at her. She stopped looking around and looked at them one by one. Carson was looking at her with surprise and the rest of them—Ian, Aaron, Logan, and Jayce—looked as if they were frozen in place, as if nobody dared to blink.
A lady came around the corner, holding a piece of paper. She was petite and pretty, and wore a curly pixie haircut. "Guys I don't think I can sing this…" She stopped too and stared at Alice.
"Everybody, you remember Alice," Carson said, breaking the charged silence. "Ruby," he turned to the lady, "I don't think you have really met Alice officially."
"Oh yes." Ruby put on a fake bright smile. "Alice. 'The' Alice."
The rest of the guys nodded at her. Alice grimaced. A more unwelcome feeling could not be had anywhere else in the world. They were watching her with various levels of distrust and hostility.
"I can't believe this," Alice said looking around, feeling awkward. "You guys have your own place to practice and it looks good."
"Welcome back, Alice," Aaron said, coming over to her and hugging her. "You took us by surprise with your entrance, that's all. And yes, we have been practicing here for close to five years now."
Aaron the Compassionate. Alice almost smiled. He was still the same: curly brown hair, light brown eyes, leanly muscular, and almost perfect face. His nickname was "Pretty Boy Aaron" at one time, except nobody could mistake him for a girl now. His personality was as attractive as the rest of him. He was the only one in the band except for Carson who had cried when she was admitted in the hospital under a suicide watch. She remembered him clutching her hands and praying feverishly.
"Actually, shortly after you left, Pastor Keen spazzed out and kicked us out of the church hall," Ian said. He was still looking at her coldly. "We were desperate to find somewhere to go to. We tried Aaron's garage but his neighbors protested, said we were too noisy."
Alice swung around to face Ian. He was casually dressed in jeans and a checkered shirt. His hard body, honed from doing years of construction work, was tense. His hard dark face had a slightly menacing look to it and his unusually light brown eyes were shooting questions at her. Nobody wanted to mess with Ian and he was fiercely loyal to Carson.
Alice had expected a cold response from him. He loved his friends with all he had, and carried their pain like it was his. He saw her leaving as a betrayal.
Jayce coughed, intruding on her perusal of Ian. "I am sorry, I can't stay guys," he croaked, hauling himself from the chair he was sitting in. "I feel like crap."
Alice watched as he shuffled over towards her. Jayce was officially obese. He looked like he weighed over three hundred pounds. She remembered when he was younger and slimmer. Back then, he was one of the most popular band members with the girls. He had what the girls used to call bedroom eyes.
She smiled at him. His face was fuller but he was still handsome.
"Welcome back, Alice," Jayce said hoarsely, "You look lovely, as always. I hope you are here to stay. Carson has not been the same without you." Jayce the Honest, did not mince words. He was usually the first to say what was on everybody's mind. If he did not have to go he would probably have asked her point blank what had happened and all sorts of pointed questions. She was not sad to see leave now.
Logan was yet to speak. As usual, he was the diplomat—the one who was the pacifier. Logan never got tangled in arguments. He would hear both sides of any story and logically dissected them. Alice glanced at him. He was looking at her seriously, but as usual, he was hard to read, twiddling his thumbs in hi
s lawyerly way. She wondered if he had actually done law. He had always struck her as one, even when they were little. He was also dressed in a suit. He had a suave, professional air about him.
"Have a seat," Carson said, leading her to a chair. "Thanks for stopping by," he whispered to her. He knew what a big deal it was for her to face them all.
Alice sat down. "So what are you guys up to?"
"They have a song to do at the Mayor’s anniversary ball in two weeks," Ruby said.
Alice could detect a slight sneer in her voice. "The mayor requested 'The Prayer', you know the version by Donnie McClurkin and Yolanda Adams, and they," she gestured to the guys, "want me to do the female part. I don't think I can go up to that vocal range. Maybe you can do it, unless of course you are not planning to be around?"
Ruby was watching her, a challenging glint in her eyes.
Alice met that look with one of her own. "I know the song."
Ruby shrugged. "Maybe you can sing it with Carson then. I heard you two were the best duet in these parts when you were around, when you cared to be around."
"Ruby!" Carson said roughly.
"Somebody has to say it!" Ruby said disgustedly. "This poor excuse of a woman left her baby and her husband and waltzes back into their lives as if nothing ever happened."
Alice eyes flashed angrily and she stood up without even thinking. She was prepared to be judged but this was too much from a woman who did not even know her. "Do you see my shoes?" she asked Ruby spiritedly.
Ruby looked at her as if she had lost her senses but she did glance down at Alice's shoes.
"Look at them!" Alice said, pointing at them. They were plain old sandals that she had picked up in a variety store downtown Montego Bay but she had to emphasize her point. "None of you has ever walked in them. Do you hear me? You do not know me! You do not know my journey! You do not know the sheer will I had to muster to take a plane to come back to this place to face my demons! You do not know, and you should not judge."
She picked up her bag. "I am outta here. Nice to see y'all again."
"I think you should do the song. Stay, practice with us," Logan said in the ensuing silence. "Ruby can't sing as well as you can."
"Thanks a lot, Logan," Ruby said chuckling.
Alice felt like laughing even though it was not funny. Here she was, heading out in high dungeon and Logan finally decides to speak. Apparently, her speech proved something to him. She had no idea what. She turned back around. They were all nodding, even Ruby. She had a contrite look on her face as well. She edged back into the room and sat on the chair. "So Logan Sinclair speaks. Are you a lawyer now or what?"
"Guilty," Logan said, still giving her that challenging, assessing look.
"When's the Mayor's ball again?" Alice dragged her eyes from his.
"Third week in June," Ruby said, a more sedate tone to her voice. She was also looking at Alice with a reluctant curiosity.
Alice could see the question in her eyes: What is your story, Alice? Alice ignored her eyes. She wanted to answer her verbally but instead she focused on Carson, who was giving her a half smile. No doubt, he was pleased that she had showed some of her old spunk.
"Want us to sing?" he asked her, winking. "It would be fun."
She thought about it. It would be a nice interlude to her visit here. At least singing with Carson and the band made some of her better memories.
"Let's see if we still got it." She started the song, I pray you’ll be our eyes...And watch us where we go... When they finished singing, the guys were nodding. "It's as if you two practiced the song before," Ian said appreciatively. Remember those days when we had a song for the year and we would sing it over and over and over?"
Aaron laughed. "Or when we ran to write it out from the radio first and then we'd argue over the lyrics if somebody wrote it wrong."
Alice grinned. "Modern children have no idea. The conveniences at their fingertips these days."
Ruby cleared her throat. "Guys, I am going to take off. Obviously, you don't need me around. You have the perfect replacement."
"Where are you going?" Ian asked with a hint of suspicion in his tone.
"Out," Ruby said abruptly then softened her tone. "Where is Mia? Maybe I could take her for ice cream?"
"I was wondering if I could take you both for dinner," Alice said to Carson uncertainly.
"Mia is downstairs in the garage helping to power wash a car," Carson said, "and dinner trumps ice cream, Ruby. Do you want my child to develop a sweet tooth? You guys have so many ice cream dates these days."
Ruby sighed. "Then I guess I'll just have an ice cream on my lonesome." She headed through the door and Ian sighed loudly. "I think she's cheating on me."
Aaron laughed and said, "No she's not! Ruby would never do that to you."
Ian did not look convinced.
Chapter Thirteen
If anybody had told Alice that she would actually be having fun on this her month of self discovery and healing, she would have told them they were in fantasy land but by week two, she was practicing with her old band, spending more time with her husband, and getting to know Mia.
"I have to go back to the motel." She groaned when she looked at the clock in the semi-dark.
"No, you don't!" Carson said, holding her back as she made to move. "You don't have to do any such thing. My invitation still stands. Move in here."
"I don't want you and Mia to become too attached to me being around."
"Too late," Carson whispered, caressing her back. "I never stopped being attached and Mia is so happy to have you around that I fear you can't take it back. Would it be so bad to live with us?"
"Well, I could stay," Alice said weakly, "but Emilia is your housekeeper. It will get a little awkward."
"She's only here on Wednesdays and Fridays," Carson said. "And didn't you say talking to her was something you had to do?"
"Yes but I may never be ready," Alice groaned. "I think I should have done it when I wanted to because now I just don't want to face her and tomorrow is Wednesday."
"You can do it." Carson kissed her on her cheek. "She usually comes by at around ten."
Alice sighed. "I hated her for years you know! My therapist said my hate for Emilia could kill me. She said that some of the bottled up emotional stuff that I have floating around in my mind could cause me physical harm. Well, she said this after I developed migraine headaches. I thought what she said was just psychobabble but since I bought my ticket I haven't had even a twinge of a headache."
Carson mused. "It is true that physical illness can be caused by mental stimuli. There are a few cases in the Bible where Jesus healed the mental and the spiritual issues before he healed the physical. Being made whole means being healed in all areas of your life. That's how I understood why you left. I just didn't anticipate that it would take so long." He looked at her, "I am behind you a hundred percent, Alice, as you pursue this healing."
Alice's eyes filled with tears. "I don't deserve you. How did you come to be the way you are? You are kind to a fault, and patient, and you have been there for me and Mia; you are so...so... different."
"A long time ago, when I was just a little boy, I said an honest prayer," Carson said frowning. "I think sometimes we forget what we pray about, but God remembers. It was after a fight with Aaron in Sister Kirk's class."
"Aaron?" Alice laughed, "Aaron doesn't fight!"
Carson chuckled. "We weren't friends then and he made a comment about Xavier's eyes. He was waving his hand around and asking Xavier, which one of his eyes was looking at his hand, and I got really angry. I tackled him to the ground and started pounding him. Pastor Keen took over the class and had me pray a prayer I'll never forget. I asked for patience and the capacity to love even those who are mean to me and Xavier, and for the peace of God to keep me."
Alice stiffened on hearing Pastor Keen's name. "How can one person be so different?"
"What?" Carson asked, puzzled.
"Pastor
Keen," Alice said. "On one hand he was a good pastor, at least to you guys, and then on the other hand he was a beast, a hypocrite, and a disgrace as a minister. That prayer was a gem of a prayer and yet he was so evil."
"Oh, Alice." Carson pulled her closer. "You are going to have to tell me. What is this animosity toward Pastor Keen about? He was the one who helped put Blue in jail after what he did to you. Why are you so angry toward him?"
Alice got up, "I have to tell you this with clothes on. She went toward Carson's closet, took out one of his robes and shrugged into it.
She looked back at Carson then ran her hands through her hair and started pacing. "Remember how I got that job at the church office as soon as I graduated?"
Carson nodded.
Alice was acting so jittery that he was afraid to move an inch. He did not want to spook her. He forced himself to relax and watched as she paced.
Chapter Fourteen
June-August, 1997
Alice showed up for work in her best black skirt, the one that was not washed out, and reached well below her knees. It was as modest and as nondescript of a skirt as she could find. She also wore a white long-sleeved blouse. She had ironed it at Carson's house that morning while he prepared breakfast for her. He was so proud of her because she had gotten a job that she did not have the heart to tell him that she was protesting in her mind.
Every fiber of her being distrusted Pastor Keen. She was going to be in an office where he would be for most of the day, from nine o'clock in the morning to three o'clock in the afternoon. With one hour for lunch break, she was going to have five hours to spend with him.
When she entered the side of the building through the church hall and then into the pastors' suite of offices promptly at nine o'clock, she saw that he was already there, sitting around his desk.
He smiled at her, "Alice. You are right on time. I think we will work well together."
Alice nodded jerkily. Not in your dreams, pal. She thought resentfully.
"I have been telling the powers that be, for quite a while now, that I am unable to manage administrative duties along with the host of other things that I have to do."
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