"Emilia, can I talk to you for a minute?" he asked. He parked at the entrance to the church property. He and Emilia stood and talked for what seemed like hours.
Alice watched the two of them. An unexpected shower of rain came down and still the two of them stood there and talked, with Emilia doing a lot of dramatic hand gestures. Finally, when Emilia joined her, she said to Alice, "We'll report this at the station tomorrow. For now, we go home and you get some rest."
Alice nodded. She was happy that her mother had everything under control because she was so numb. She felt as if she were encased in ice.
She went home and had a bath. She spent almost an hour in the shower. Blue snarled at her when she came out of the bathroom. He was sitting in the spot where he could get a glimpse of her in the shower. "Wasting water, Alice?" He licked his lips as he tried to see through her big bath towel. She ignored him and went to lie down in her sleeping bag. She cried on and off, and for the entire evening rehashed the whole event, reasoning that it was her fault somehow. She wished she was not so poor and desperate. She hated herself. She hated her life.
It was barely six o'clock the following morning when Emilia woke her up and told her to get dressed.
"Where are we going?" Alice asked groggily.
"We are going to report what happened to you." Emilia whispered. It was only when they were alone, and far from the house that Emilia said to her, "Alice, you are going to tell the police that Blue raped you, yesterday."
"Blue?" Alice asked shakily. "But it was Pastor Keen."
Emilia shook her head. "Pastor Keen will give me some money every week for the next few years. That's more than Blue has ever done and God knows we need the money. Besides, Blue has been fooling around Friya for weeks now! He was raping his own child! He needs to go to jail anyway."
"But what about Pastor Keen? He deserves to go to jail too! He can't be left to go around hurting other people! You can't just take money from him and think that everything will be okay!"
"It would be your word against an influential pastor's…" Emilia said earnestly, "and the resulting publicity would be hell for us! Think about it, Alice! If Blue goes to jail, we'll have more space in the house. We'd have more peace. We'd be getting money from the pastor and you could look for a job at your leisure."
"What about Carson?" Alice asked roughly. "I have to tell Carson the truth."
"No!" Emilia said emphatically. "If you tell Carson, he would go after Pastor Keen. You were not there the evening when Carson came and threatened Blue to leave you alone, Alice. Even I was afraid. He would kill Pastor Keen, for sure, and he would go to prison."
Alice liked the thought of Carson killing Pastor Keen, but she did not want Carson to go to prison.
"Promise me you won't tell Carson," Emilia said, gripping her daughter's hand.
Alice looked at her mother and then at her hand. "I don't want to be a part of this. I want that lying two faced rapist pastor behind bars!"
"But what about me and Friya?" Emilia asked earnestly. "Blue almost killed me and he is messing with Friya. Please, Alice, for us, for our family. Please do it! Please." She was squeezing Alice's hands.
Alice nodded reluctantly. She would do it for them but what about her? She was violated by a person in a position of trust. What did her mother expect that she would do, just forget miraculously?
*****
It turned out that she could not forget the rape, even if she wanted to. It was exactly one month after the rape when the police came to pick up Blue. They also found his secret marijuana stash: a ten-pound bag that he hid under the bed. That was also the day her stomach started doing strange things and she vomited at the least stimulation.
Her mother was the first one to say it and she had dragged herself over to Carson's house and sobbed in his bed as she told the lie that would seal their fate.
"I was raped." she sobbed in the pillow, "A month ago."
She could not even look in Carson's face as she said it.
"Who?" Carson asked roughly. "Who, Alice?"
"Blue." Alice sobbed, her inner being recoiling at the lie. "The police came to pick him up today. He was also fooling around Friya," she said, feeling obligated to tell him a piece of the truth."
Carson lay beside her. He felt angry and numb at the same time.
"I am pregnant." Alice said in the silence.
The news had not even sunken yet. The girl he loved was violated by Blue, and now this. The double blow made it difficult for him to breathe. His hand hung off the bed limply. He knew that he needed to say something, anything. She was the victim, but for the life of him he could not react.
She curled into his side and he felt her wet tears on his arm. He thought it was not manly of him and the guys at the garage would probably laugh but his tears joined hers.
Chapter Fifteen
"How do you feel?" Alice asked Carson after she had finished pacing and rehashing her story. He had gone very quiet.
"I feel lied to," Carson said. "You could have told me what really happened."
"What would you have done?" Alice asked, sitting beside him on the bed.
Carson replied, "I would have known why you were so sad all the time even though Blue went to jail. Why you stopped going to church. Why you flinched every time I called Pastor Keen's name. I would have gone to his office and beat him within an inch of his life… Punch him in his smug face!"
Alice grinned. "Thanks."
"I would probably have gone to prison as Emilia said." Carson said wryly. "As usual, God knows everything best."
Alice carefully laid on top of him and put her head on his chest. "After I entered into that subterfuge with Emilia, I got angrier and angrier at her. She entered into an arrangement that was lucrative for her and she did not really consider me. I had to live with the burden of that lie. When I had Mia, I couldn't look at her." Alice said forlornly. "I resented every single hour of that pregnancy and I know it was not her fault but I really could not love her."
"I remember." Carson rubbed her back. "I also find it quite incredible that Pastor Keen called me into his office in August and told me to marry you."
"He forced you?" Alice asked. "You came home, looking shell shocked, and then you proposed."
"Nobody forced me." Carson sighed. "It was always my intention to marry you, just not then, when we were so young."
August 1997
Carson had spent the last couple of weeks in a mental haze. His head had not yet managed to wrap around the fact that his Alice was pregnant with her rapist's baby. He had told his mother and Xavier about it but nobody else knew what happened.
He had not told his friends in the band and it was killing him not to be able to say to them why Alice was conspicuously absent from practice. He was surprised when Pastor Keen called him into his office one evening after band practice.
"Carson." He looked a little disheveled and nervy, unlike his usual self. "It is my understanding that your girlfriend, Alice, is in the family way."
Carson nodded slowly. "She is."
"You young people can't wait these days, can you?" He laughed nervously.
"The baby is not mine!" Carson said. He knew he could trust Pastor Keen with the truth. "Alice and I were waiting. We wanted to be different from the other people in the district. We wanted to have a proper financial foundation before we started having children. We wanted to break the cycle of poverty. Now it's going to be harder and I don't know if Alice is handling this whole thing well. She has locked down." Carson found tears gathering at the side of his eyes while he talked, and he hung his head and looked at the floor, blinking away the tears.
"So whose baby is it?" Pastor Keen asked anxiously.
Carson did not even pick up on his agitated tones because he was so wrapped up in his own grief.
"She was raped by her stepfather," Carson said. "If he wasn't in prison, I would have him talk to my fists!"
He missed the deep exhale that Pastor Keen made when he he
ard his reply.
"Listen, Carson!" Pastor Keen said reassuringly, "It's not the end of the world. You still love Alice, don't you?"
"Of course." Carson frowned, "I mean, it's not her fault that she was raped. It's not that poor innocent baby's fault either."
Pastor Keen nodded vigorously. "That's right, Carson. I always knew you were an upstanding young man."
"Why don't you marry Alice and make the child legitimate? You know people will talk even if they know about her stepfather. They'll still speculate that you are the father and that kind of gossip would not look good for this church and your band."
Carson clenched and unclenched his hand. He loved Alice but to marry her now was not in his plans.
"I could ask my friend, Pastor Jenkins to perform the ceremony at his office in Sligoville. I... er... understand that Alice doesn't want to come back to Cedar Hill."
Carson was shaking his head. Marriage was a big step. He felt rushed. He was just nineteen. He was not prepared to take on a wife who was mentally fragile and who was pregnant with a baby from her stepfather who raped her.
"I'll even get you the ring." Pastor Keen prompted helpfully. "I understand that you just started working at Petey's full time."
Carson looked at Pastor Keen gratefully. "You would do that for me? Get me a ring?"
"Yes, most definitely. I've always tried to look out for you and Xavier, and Alice too. I'll even throw in a gift for the baby, a neat cash sum. Please don't tell Alice though."
Carson stood up. "I'll let you know my decision, Pastor."
"Don't wait too long," Pastor Keen said helpfully. "You know pregnancies are not hidden forever and it may make it easier on the child if it is not known that he or she is the result of a rape."
Carson nodded. That was true. He had not even been thinking so far ahead, about the baby and the conclusions that people would draw about her or him. He himself grew up with a single mother and was known as the boy whose father was in prison. Come to think of it, so did Alice. Both their father's were in prison. This innocent baby should not have to suffer the same fate.
Carson walked home alone that evening, pondering his life and future. He would prefer to have Alice in it rather than out of it. He had known her since he was twelve. He had loved her for most of his young life. He could not imagine loving anyone else. Yes, this pregnancy was a setback and rape was a big hurdle to overcome, especially if it was the victim's first time but she would eventually recover. He hoped so because he would really hate to see her suffer.
He walked to her house but she was not there. He found her at his house, curled up in his bed. Her eyes were puffy and swollen but she was sleeping. His mother was sitting on Xavier's old bed.
"She is in bad shape, Carson. She begged me for money to have an abortion."
"What? No!" Carson shook his head.
"I considered it." Delores sighed heavily. "God knows what this poor thing has been going through. She's a wreck!"
"Having an abortion won't make it better," Carson said. "She'll feel worse in the long run. I can help her take care of the baby. I'll marry her and we can be a family."
"No!" Delores shook her head vehemently, "I can't let you throw your life away like that." She crossed her hands over her ample bosom. "No, Carson! Just no! I love Alice too but that would be going too far!"
"I can't abandon her now!" Carson said. "She needs me more than ever."
"Maybe we can talk to somebody who will adopt the child," Delores said." There are all sorts of wealthy, childless people around."
"It's Alice's baby, half of her," Carson said. "I will take care of the child. I will love him or her like my own. Besides, I am working. Financially I can handle one baby. Alice will start to do better once she is over this and she'll be able to find a job too."
Delores frowned. "Carson, this is one of the most traumatic things a woman can experience. She won't get over it so easily. Mark my words, you will be marrying trouble."
"I am marrying her!" Carson said stubbornly.
"And I think it’s a mistake…" Delores said just as stubbornly, "but I can't stop you. You are nineteen and your own big man. Just pray about this before you do anything, okay?"
"I will."
"Don't just pay lip service to it!" Delores warned. "You are taking up the responsibility of two human beings on your young shoulders when you don't have to."
Carson nodded. "I won't just pay lip service. I am going to pray right now."
Delores left the room and Carson got on his knees. "Lord, I didn't ask your opinion earlier and I am sorry. Can you show me the best way to tackle this problem and please Lord, help Alice. Give her peace throughout this trying time."
By the time he had finished praying, Alice shifted in the bed. Her eyes were swollen and red.
"Hey," she said hoarsely.
"Hey," he joined her in the bed and hugged her tightly to him. "I love you."
She started crying again.
September/October 1997
They got married in Pastor Jenkins office in Sligoville on a Thursday morning. It was the only morning Carson could get off from work. Alice wore her favorite blue dress. They used a popcorn ring with a matching blue stone for their official ring. Carson had told her that Pastor Keen had bought a ring and she had asked to see it and then threw it into the bushes angrily, so the popcorn ring sufficed.
"When I start earning some serious money, I'll buy you a proper ring." Carson had promised her feverishly. He wished he had not told her that Pastor Keen got the ring, he could have at least sold it and gotten some money.
The ceremony was quick. The vows were simple and heartfelt. He meant every word he vowed to her and God. He may be young but he was marrying the woman of his dreams. Xavier and Ian were their witnesses. He took the bus to work and Alice took a taxi home. She moved her lone box of stuff to his room. To her, it was a luxury sleeping on a bed and she slept out most of September, trying to forget.
She woke up at the end of one of her listless evenings after Carson had got in from work. He was tiptoeing around after showering to get all the grease off and he was just hauling on his boxers. Alice propped up herself on a pillow and looked at Carson seriously.
"I want you to make love to me like it was our first time and none of the past few months happened."
Carson almost tumbled over his left foot—he had not put it through his boxers yet. He pulled up the boxers hurriedly.
"Are you sure?"
"Yes," Alice said. "It's not as if I am going to get pregnant." She said wryly.
"Oh, Princess." Carson lowered himself to the bed beside her. "I am so sorry."
"No." Alice shook her head. "There is nothing to be sorry about. Pretend as if I was not raped and this is my first time. We've talked about it before. You know you've thought about it, probably more than me." She grinned. "Carson, let's forget, okay?"
"Okay." Carson swallowed. He nibbled her fingers and she giggled.
It was so nice to hear her giggle that he kissed her all the way up to her shoulders then blew in her ear. "I see them doing that in the movies. Does that work?"
Alice looked at him solemnly. "Just you touching me works. I love you."
"I love you too, Princess Alice of Norwood."
January 1, 1998
Alice was five and a half months pregnant. It was her eighteenth birthday. She was married but she hated her baby. She hated it with a passion. She would not listen to anyone who told her that children were a blessing from God. What did they know?
She did not want this child. It was not a mistake. It was not even a case of her having unprotected sex with a guy she liked or was fooling around with. It was not a case of being careless. It was a case of rape. Try as she might, she could not find a bright side to her situation. She was raped by a man who was walking around scot-free, pretending to be a saint.
She was so down, her head felt heavy. She was all cried out. Tears did not solve anything, did it?
Carson had made her a special breakfast before heading to work and Delores had gotten her three new maternity dresses as a birthday present. She only had one dress that could accommodate her burgeoning belly.
By afternoon, she was feeling hemmed in and so tired of the house that she got up and headed to the end of the dirt track in their lane where there was a tank. It was near midday, and she walked up to the top of it. It was a big square concrete thing that was partially covered. She looked into the green looking water, batting back the moss, she saw her reflection in ripples.
She hated her face, her breasts, and her hair. She hated herself. Maybe she should just end it. Only Carson would miss her anyway and he would get over her eventually. He was young. Someday she would be just a memory—the girl he had married out of pity because she was raped, and got pregnant for the rapist—a girl who was too poor to afford an abortion, or too stupid to take a morning-after pill.
She took off her slippers to climb into the tank. She felt a dark presence spurring her on.
Do it. The presence seemed to taunt her. She had not even jumped in the water yet and her ears felt stopped up. She put one foot on the edge of the tank, when clear as day she heard a voice say. "Don't do it Alice." She looked behind her. "Cast all your care on me Alice. I'll care for you," the voice said again.
"But I don't want to live anymore," Alice said, a sob escaping her throat. "Please, I don't want to live."
She placed her feet on the edge of the tank again, and the voice said urgently, "You are weary and burdened, Alice. I'll give you rest."
"But he raped me," Alice said, putting up her other foot and tethering on the edge.
She was still going to jump but when she tried, somebody grabbed her from behind. It was Carson. He had been at work and felt an urgent need to come home and spend lunchtime with her. He had been just in time to see her heading for the tank.
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