That was when Carson realized that he could not cope with her by himself, and so she had a short stay at the Cornwall Regional Hospital, under a suicide watch.
Chapter Sixteen
Alice woke up early and made herself a cup of tea. She and Carson had stayed up talking long into the night. She had even shed a few tears over details she had not really remembered about that dark day, until she had rehashed the events with Carson. She had never been so low in her life and she never wanted to be that low ever again.
She sat down at the nook and looked out as the day slowly came alive. First, a little red bird flew to the window and made a soft chirping sound. He butted the glass like he wanted to come in, then flew away after some minutes.
She sipped her tea slowly. Maybe she would move in with Carson and Mia, and give living-with-them a try. She had two weeks left in Jamaica, after all. She looked up as Carson came into the kitchen, smiling.
"You look good right there. I could get used to seeing you right there in the mornings."
"I was thinking about that." Alice cleared her throat. "I was thinking that I should move in for the rest of my stay, if that's okay with you and Mia."
"It's okay with me." Carson grinned. "It's more than okay. I guess you can ask Mia when she gets down if it's okay with her?"
Alice looked at the clock on the wall and grimaced. "It's early. Does she have to wake up so early in the summer?"
Carson nodded. "Yup. She is fine with it though. She loves opening the shop and doing her morning ritual of putting on her overalls and making sure her tool belt is okay, like a true garage girl."
Carson came over to her and kissed her on the cheek. "I am happy we talked and got all of the baggage out in the air."
"Does it change the way you think about Mia?" Alice asked. "I mean knowing who her er...biological father is?"
"Nothing will change the way I think about Mia?" Carson said. "The fact is she's mine. I am willing to share her with you though, if you want?"
Alice shook her head. "I am taking baby steps where the whole motherhood thing is concerned. I don't know if I will ever want to be her mother though or even if I can be."
"You can do it." Carson took up a tangerine from the fruit bowl and pegged it. "I believe in your strength."
"Are you ever going to tell her?" Alice asked, "About what happened back then?"
Carson sighed. "We will have to one day, and when I say we, I mean both of us together. We'll tell her a very light version. I am not sure when would be the right time though, maybe when she's an adult. How do you explain to a child that she was conceived in a brutal act of violence, without it having a negative impact on her? I've thought about it in the past. No time is ever going to be the right time to tell her.
I used to say to myself, next time Mia asks about you, I'd tell her a sanitized version of what happened but now I am finding out that I didn't even know what really happened. I am now glad I said nothing. Honestly, I am still smarting from the fact that I was left in the dark."
Alice turned away her head. "Sorry."
"You should be!" Carson said sternly. "I deserved to know. You had me going to look for Pastor Keen all the way in Comfort Hall, where he now lives in the nursing home and reading to him, thinking it was the least I could do for him since he was so good to me when I was younger. Instead, I am just now discovering that he was the one who derailed our lives. He nearly caused you to..." He sighed. "Today is a new day."
Alice gave him a half smile. "I wish I had your personality, to be able to shrug things off and say that today is a new day."
"My personality," Carson held her chin and looked into her eyes, "came from years of fine tuning and showing loads of patience toward you in the early days, raising a baby girl on my own and starting a business. I have had practice, I can tell you that."
"Daddy, can you do my hair please?" Mia came down the stairs with her hair in a cloudy mass of curls around her head. She had a comb and two red scrunches clutched in her hand.
Carson swung around from Alice when Mia gasped.
"Alice. Are you going to be living with us?"
Alice looked from her to Carson.
Carson's expression was saying, See, I told you it wouldn't be a problem.
"Just for two weeks. I leave at the end of the month." Alice murmured. She pushed away the tea that was in front of her and crossed her hands. "Would you like some breakfast?"
"Yes," Mia said in a rush. "I would." She was grinning from ear to ear.
"What would you like?" Alice asked, a warm feeling touching her at how excited Mia was that she was staying.
"I would like orange juice and toast," Mia said.
"And you, Carson?"
Carson shook his head. "Nothing for me please, I never eat this early."
While Alice busied herself with fixing toast and orange juice, Carson combed Mia's hair in the style that she wanted and in this scene of domestic bliss, Emilia entered the house. When her eyes saw who was fixing breakfast for Mia, she gasped at the door.
Everyone turned to see her and she put her hand over her mouth, "Alice?"
Alice looked at her mother, taking her in. She had not changed much, except for a streak of gray hair in the front of her hair and a few lines around her mouth which were not there before.
"It's me," Alice said awkwardly, putting the plate down before Mia.
"Aunty Em, my mom is here," Mia said excitedly.
Alice felt a tingling of shock race through her. Mia called her mom. Carson was looking between the two women. He cleared his throat before Emilia could respond to Mia.
"Well now, Emilia. I had no idea you'd be here so early."
Emilia nodded. "I know. I have a dental appointment later today. I thought I'd come early and leave early." She was staring at Alice while she talked.
"I can't believe that you are here," she said, transfixed. "It has been a long time."
Alice nodded jerkily. "Yes."
Mia said brightly, "Daddy, can I stay home today since Alice will be here?"
Carson looked at Alice and she shook her head imperceptibly. She did not want Mia to be around when she spoke to her mother.
"Not today, Muffin. Alice has some stuff to do."
Mia looked disappointed and Alice felt as if she had kicked a puppy. Was this how it was going to be? Already she felt a little hemmed in. Maybe staying here would not be such a good thing. How was it possible for Mia to be so attached to her in such a short space of time? She could feel the invisible bonds that Mia was attaching to her and she did not like it. She was fighting an inward battle and she forced herself to put a smile on her face and respond.
"Tell you what, Mia. I'll pick you up later. You can help me move from the motel."
"Yes," Mia said nodding.
Carson kissed Alice on the forehead and whispered, "Show mercy to Emilia. See the situation through her eyes."
"Come Mia. Stop playing with the toast. We both know you don't eat breakfast this early either."
Alice smiled when Mia looked at her apologetically.
"Don't worry about it," Alice said, "I'll eat it."
"Bye, Alice," Mia said regretfully. Her big brown eyes clung to Alice's like she did not want to move.
"Bye, Mia. See you later," Alice responded. She watched as Mia hugged Emilia and then gave her one last look before going out the door with her father.
Emilia came further into the kitchen and sat down. "I never thought I'd see you again, at least not here." She had tears in her eyes.
Alice was not quite as stiff as she appeared outwardly either. This was her mom. She had not let herself remember any good times they may have had because she did not wanted to forgive her. She had seen her collusion with Pastor Keen as a deep betrayal. He should have paid for his crime toward her and God knows how many other girls there were.
She looked at Emilia and shook her head. "I hated you for a number of years."
"You said that in the past tense. D
oes that mean you don't hate me anymore?" Emilia asked, hopeful.
"No," Alice said, "I don't. It's a waste of time. I guess to a certain point I can understand why you made that deal with Pastor Keen. Carson said I should see things from your perspective." She sighed. "I am here in Jamaica to confront my past and lay it to rest in order to move on fully with my life."
Emilia nodded. "It's so good to see you. You look very well." She looked like she was itching to say more but she was treading cautiously. Alice nodded and then Emilia said, "So what about Mia and Carson? Are you guys a family again?"
"No" Alice said, looking down at her fingers. "I don't know if I can love Mia. I never wanted her and I am living proof that you can have a child and not feel a bond to that child. This sucks because I love Carson but he and Mia are a package."
"She's such a wonderful person," Emilia said, "Friendly and affectionate. None of what happened was her fault. It's going to break Mia's heart when you leave."
Alice sniffed. "I know but I... I want to spend the next couple of days with Carson and love him with all my heart."
She was not looking forward to leaving him again. She looked through the window and wondered why she was not feeling lighter. She felt worse now than when she stepped off the plane.
Emilia said hoarsely, her voice low, "I missed you, you know, when you left. Remember the last day when you came by me and you said goodbye."
"Yes." Alice nodded. "You begged me not to go." She gave Emilia a half smile.
"You were crying and you said you couldn't take it anymore."
Alice nodded. "I couldn't. Mia had colic, or something, and she was crying around the clock and I just couldn't do it anymore. I couldn't pretend anymore. I couldn't pretend that I wasn't hurting. I couldn't pretend that I was happy. I couldn't pretend that Pastor Keen was not my rapist.”
Emilia hung her head. "We started going to Sligoville Church after the whole thing." She looked up at Alice and gave her a half smile. "At least look on the bright side. He is trapped in a prison now. He can't move from his waist down and needs someone to feed him."
"So I heard," Alice said. "Justice was served for me and whomever else he raped."
Emilia shifted on the chair uncomfortably. "I had Friya to think about too, Alice. Maybe I was misguided but I really wanted Blue gone."
Alice looked at Emilia, her eyes stony. "If we are ever going to move on from this, I can't hear that excuse again."
Emilia nodded slowly. "Okay."
"How is Friya?" Alice asked, changing the subject.
"She is fine. She's a nurse and engaged to be married," Emilia said proudly. "Courtney and Greg are doing well in university; both are on scholarships."
"It's hard to imagine them now," Alice said.
"I have a picture here." Emilia rummaged in her handbag and took out a small album, handing it to Alice.
Alice looked through the pictures of her smiling brothers. They were tall and gangly, and almost men. Courtney was the same age at which Carson had gotten married.
Her sister was a petite, pretty version of her mother. Beside her was a portly, pleasant-faced man that her mother proudly pointed out as Friya's fiancée. Even Mia and Carson were in the album. There was a picture of Mia blowing out candles on her birthday cake. Her last birthday seemed as if it had been a family affair.
She looked through the pictures and felt a sense of alienation like never before. It hit her that she did not belong anywhere. She did not know her siblings anymore and her mother had a new life.
In the pictures, Emilia was smiling and looked happy. Alice could not remember her ever having looked so carefree. That care-worn downtrodden look that was her constant companion when Blue was in her life was gone.
Then there was Carson and Mia. They were a unit and had an extensive support system. What about her, where was she? She was nowhere, disconnected and adrift. Everywhere in Carson's house were pictures of him and Mia and his family, his band members, and his friends.
Her mother had pictures of her family.
Alice was nowhere in any of these documentations of treasured moments and special people. She felt as if she did not matter. They had all survived without her. Not only had they survived, they had thrived.
She handed back the album with mixed feelings. She did not want to be in their photos anyway.
"They would love to see you," Emilia said, intruding on her thoughts. "We talk about you all the time."
Alice felt as if she were standing in the middle of a tug of war: at one end was Emilia and at the other Mia. She was reluctant to be either a daughter or a mother to them. Bridging the divide was not going to happen in her short one-month vacation. She could see that now.
She went for her handbag, which she had left in the living room, and pulled out a business card and handed it to Emilia. "These are all my numbers. Maybe we can start talking again."
Emilia took it reverently. "Thank you Alice." She searched her bag for paper and scribbled her numbers on something. "Here are my numbers too."
Alice looked at her mother's work-worn fingers and remembered, without the pain crowding her mind, how those fingers used to massage her scalp, when they had mother- daughter time on Sundays, sitting on the back step. To be honest, she missed having a mother.
She took the paper that Emilia handed to her and nodded. "I'll call."
"I am so happy right now," Emilia said, nodding jerkily.
Alice bit her lip. She felt a little shard of that emotion too, somewhere in the turmoil.
Chapter Seventeen
By the time she had picked up Mia and had moved into Carson's room with Mia's help, she was feeling exhausted, both mentally and emotionally. It had been a roller coaster day.
Mia had not let any silence extend between them. She was determined to let Alice know everything that there was to know about her and the more she spoke the guiltier Alice felt.
She lay down on the bed with her hand over her head. Mia had finally given her some respite and had gone to have a bath. When Carson entered the room, she did not even hear him.
"Hey," he said softly.
Alice opened her eyes. "What am I doing here, Carson?"
He closed the door and leaned on it. "You are making an effort to repair past damage, making up for lost time."
He started removing his clothes. "Want to join me in the shower?"
"No," Alice said, "Yes... I don't know," she groaned. "I am having an emotional overload right now."
"Now is the perfect time to join me, then." He took her hand and led her into the shower, removing her clothes piece by piece.
"I am going to miss this," Alice said.
"You don't have to," Carson said, smiling at her before devouring her lips.
An hour slipped by quickly. Alice felt lighter and happier.
Carson came out with a towel in hand and towel dried her hair. "We have the Mayor's Ball, tomorrow," he said gently.
Alice slipped into one of Carson's shirts, rolled up the sleeves and sat in the middle of the bed. "I am looking forward to it," Alice said. "Singing with you in public again and feeling the synergy of the band."
"Sometimes," Carson said, "I wish our lives were different, you and me, but when I think about it, I can't wish away Mia."
He finished toweling her hair dry.
"What if I had given her up for adoption?" Alice said. "We could have moved on. I think I should have done that."
Carson sat beside her and scratched his chest. "But you did give her up, Alice."
"To you," Alice said mournfully. "And in the process I lost you."
Carson sighed. "Alice, there is something we need to talk about."
"What?" Alice asked.
"The prospect of having other children," Carson said sheepishly. "We haven't done anything to prevent that from happening."
Alice smiled. "I am ahead of you on that. I happen to be on the pill to regulate my period. Low dose but still effective."
Then the tho
ught occurred to her when she saw his disappointed expression, "You weren't planning to keep me here barefoot and pregnant, were you?"
Carson shrugged. "The thought had occurred to me and I liked it."
Alice kissed him on the tip of his nose. "I am not sure I want to be a mother again. I hated it the first time."
"It would be different this time," Carson said, "you know that. We are both in different places in our lives. You could move out here, set up a parlor here and do your hairdressing."
"You want more children, don't you?" Alice felt almost nervous waiting for his answer.
"Oh yes," Carson said. "I do."
Alice lay down and rolled over on her stomach. "I knew it. We can't just live in the moment without you having to build castles in the sky."
Carson put his hand on her back. "You know I am a castle in the sky kind of guy."
"I am running from motherhood and you want to drag me into it." Alice complained crossly. "I have one kid already that I am just getting to know. Can't we leave it at that?"
"Sure," Carson said, but his voice did not have a pleased tone to it, and Alice wondered if he imagined that because she was there meant that she was considering living with him again permanently.
*****
The Mayor's Ball was a grand affair and the New Song Band were not the only band there to serenade the seventy-year-old veteran and his sixty-five-year-old wife on their fortieth anniversary.
Alice was thankful that she had carried her little black dress with her. It was perfect for this occasion. She had bought silver shoes to wear with it and she knew that she looked good in her outfit. She was gleaming from head to toe.
"You look like a princess," Mia said when they were heading out.
"Thank you, Mia." Alice smiled. It was hard to look at Mia's adoring look and not feel special.
"You really do look lovely." Ruby, who was babysitting, said to her in an almost friendly tone.
"Thank you, Ruby."
"Ready Gorgeous?" Carson asked.
"Yes, Gorgeous." Alice laughed, looking him over. His tuxedo fitted him perfectly. She touched his freshly shaven cheek.
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