Miles From Home

by Ava Bell

  “I’m gonna miss you too, Syd. Please call me when you get home and have a safe fight.” I close the door and watch the car drive away.

  Later on that evening, I decide on soup for dinner. My hangover is still lingering and I don’t want a repeat of earlier this morning. I grab a pillow and blanket and got cozy on the couch while I watch Grey’s Anatomy. My mother loved that show; she was a nurse up until I was born but after I came along she was a stay-at-home mom at my father’s insistence. We would watch it every week and she would laugh and say, “That’s not the way it really is when you’re a nurse.” I miss my mom when I watch this show.

  Today’s the first day of classes at Barnard. I barely slept the night before, since I was just too excited and very nervous. This was one major accomplishment and I wasn’t about to mess it up! I walk to the coffee shop to grab a latte and go over my schedule before class.

  8:00 a.m.—Dance History

  9:00 a.m.—Movement Science

  10:00 a.m.—Composition

  11:00—1:00 p.m.—Lunch

  1:00 p.m.—Biomechanics for the Dancer

  2:00 p.m.—Applied Anatomy for Human Movement

  This is crazy! Looking at the different classes that I am required to take, I am feeling completely overwhelmed.

  My first day goes by so fast that I don’t even have time to digest it all. Since I barely had time to eat lunch, my stomach is letting me know it’s hungry. I’m not really up to cooking so I text Nadia to see if she wants to have dinner.

  Me: Hey girl! I’m starved, wanna go grab some dinner?

  Nadia: Sure, meet you at the elevator in five minutes.

  I throw on a pair of yoga pants, a t-shirt, and race to the elevator. Just as I get there I feel dizzy and lightheaded. I lean over and put my head between my legs. “Hey, Maggie. Are you okay? I hear Nadia’s voice while I hold on to the wall to steady myself.

  “You look pale. Maybe you should sit down.” She grabs my arm as I slide down the wall and draw my knees up to my chest.

  “I think I just got in such a hurry that it made me dizzy.” I stand and ride the elevator down, still feeling a little dazed.

  After dinner I can barely keep my eyes open. I try to go through my class synopsis, but I can’t focus, so I climb into bed and close my eyes. The next morning, after fourteen hours of sleep, I still feel queasy while I pack up my things up for class. This is not a good time to get sick! By the end of the week I’m beyond exhausted and ready for some downtime. I decide to spend the weekend lounging around my apartment in hopes of getting rid of this lousy stomach virus and to prepare myself for the next school week.

  Sunday evening I get a call from Nadia. “Maggie, I haven’t seen you all weekend,” she says. “Are you feeling any better?”

  “Maybe a little. How are you doing?” I ask, opening the balcony to get some fresh air.

  “I’m good; I just wanted to check on you. If you need anything, let me know,” she says, in her cool raspy accent.

  “Thanks, but I think it’s just a stomach bug. It will pass.”

  “Okay, call me after class and we’ll do lunch,” she says.

  Two weeks later, I can’t seem to shake this stomach bug. I grab my purse and lock the door behind me as I head to the pharmacy. There has to be something I can take to help these symptoms. While I’m going down the aisle, I pass the feminine hygiene products and BOOM! It hits me. I haven’t had a period in the last two months, not since I moved here. My knees suddenly buckle and I find myself sitting on the floor of isle four: Feminine Hygiene.

  My hands shake as I open the pregnancy test. Don’t be silly, Maggie. It’s just all the stress you’ve been under. I follow the directions and wait the five minutes but it feels like forever.

  I close my eyes tight as I hold the plastic stick, praying and pleading with God that it’s not positive. I take a deep breath and open my eyes . . . POSITIVE. I blink my eyes and look again and there’s no doubt about it; the plus is as clear as day and I slide down to the bathroom floor. When I finally open my eyes, I sit up and grab the plastic stick sitting on the counter, holding it to my heart as I cry out . . . Sam!

  OVER THE NEXT few days I go to class, come home, and go to bed. I eat constantly and I sleep most of the day when I’m not at school. Waking up one morning, I decide it’s time to stop feeling sorry for myself. It’s time to find Sam. Feeling desperate but hopeful, I google Chicago area bars and I spend the next three days looking for him, but nothing, not one single flicker of hope. As I lay in bed feeling hopeless I pick up my cell phone and call the one person I know that will not judge me, my Aunt Virginia.

  “Hi, sweetie,” she says, always sounding like she’s having the best day of her life.

  “Hi, Aunt Virginia. How are you?” My voice shakes as I hold back the tears.

  “I’m good; I was just coming in from watering my garden when I heard the phone ring. How are you? How are your classes?” she asks.

  “I’m okay. My classes are hard but I enjoy them. I just wanted to hear your voice,” I say, as my voice cracks, giving me away.

  “Maggie, what’s wrong? You sound upset.” And then the flood gates open. I can no longer hide my despair from her.

  “Aunt Virginia, I’ve messed up. I’ve done something so stupid and I don’t know what to do.” I tell her everything, as I sob uncontrollably.

  “Maggie, calm down, are you hurt? Tell me what happened. You’re scaring me,” she says. I can hear the worry in her voice.

  “I’m pregnant.” I tell her and I hear her sigh.

  “Oh, Maggie. How did this happen?” she asks. “Have you been seeing someone? I don’t remember you ever mentioning you had a boyfriend,” she says, sounding confused.

  She’s quiet as I tell her about Sam, about the weekend we spent together, but mostly how lost I feel without him. I know she could tell by the way I talked about him that I was in love with him. And I told her I’ve had no luck finding him.

  “Maggie, what are your plans now?” she asks, as I pull myself together.

  “I’m not sure. I know that I can’t continue going to school; there’s no way they would allow that.” In that moment, I realize my dream is gone and I have to make a decision before it’s too late.

  “Well, you are a smart girl, Maggie. You know there are options,” she says. “I know you’ll make the right decision,” she says, very matter-of-factly.

  “I need to think about this, Aunt Virginia. I’m not sure I’m ready to make a decision until I’ve thought this through. I’ll call you in a few days and let you know what I’ve decided.”

  “Maggie, I love you and I’m here for you. Please call me if you need anything. I can even fly up and be there for you, okay?”

  We both say goodbye and I crawl into my bed for a sleepless night. The next morning I feel confident I’ve made the right decision. Instead of going to class, I walk into my advisor’s office, Mrs. Harris. I have to tell her that I’ll be leaving Barnard, effective immediately. When I knock on her door, I can barely hear her speak.

  “Come in.” I take a deep breath and walk in to her office.

  “Hi, Mrs. Harris, I’m Maggie Taylor. Can I speak to you a moment?” I ask, with a shaky voice.

  “Yes, dear, come in. What can I do for you, Ms. Taylor?” She removes her glasses, motioning towards the chair in front of her desk.

  I clear my throat and sit up straight. “Mrs. Harris, I’m going to have to leave Barnard. I don’t know how to tell you this so I will just come out and say it . . . I’m pregnant.” The tears slides down my cheek. “I’m so disappointed in myself.” I lower my head and look down, afraid she’ll she the shame in my eyes.

  “Well, Ms. Taylor, I’m so sorry to hear that, and I am very glad you came to me. I wish I had some words of comfort for you, but leaving would probably be the best thing,” Mrs. Harris says.

  I put my head in my hands and try my best to control my emotions. I can tell Mrs. Harris is holding back a disapproving look
as she shuffles papers around on her desk.

  “I just wanted to thank you for giving me this awesome opportunity and I’m very sorry if I caused any inconvenience,” I say. She gives me a weak smile as I walk towards the door.

  “Thank you, Ms. Taylor, and I wish you the best of luck,” I think I hear her say, as I walk with my head down and out of the building.

  I slowly walk back towards my apartment while I mentally punish myself. I have no one to blame but myself and I need to wrap my brain around it and be the responsible person my parents raised me to be.

  When I hear Nadia’s exotic accent, I look up and suddenly feel a sense of relief. “I thought that was you coming up the elevator. Where have you been hiding?” I can hear the concern in her voice.

  “Hi, Nadia.” I unlock my door. “I’m sorry I haven’t return you texts. I’ve been going through some stuff lately and I don’t think I would have been good company.” Nadia follows me in, and I’m sure she can see the sadness on my face. There’s no use in hiding it anymore.

  As I talk about the last few weeks, I can see the pity in her eyes. “I’m so sorry, Maggie, I had no idea you’ve been going through this. I wish I had known.” She holds my hand as we sit on the balcony. “Is Sam the father?” she asks, and I nod my head as the tears start to fall. “Maggie, I’m not going to lecture you on safe sex. I know you’re an adult and you know about how important it is, but what happened? Are you not on birth control? And why didn’t he use protection?”

  I shake my head as she questions me. “I was on the pill for a couple of years, but when I broke up with my last boyfriend I stopped taking it. I was through messing around and I was ready to focus on my career. I know it was stupid and irresponsible, things just got out of control . . . we both were out of control.”

  I lean over and put my head in my hands and cry while Nadia sits beside me and rubs my back. “Maggie, it’s not the end of the world. You’ll get through this and I’m here if you need anything.” She then hugs me and over the next hour, Nadia sits and listens without judging me.

  The next morning, I wake after a long night of weighing my options and I make the call that will set my life on a new path.

  “Hi, Aunt Virginia, I’ve made a decision. I’m going to go through with the pregnancy, and I think adoption is what I would like to do.”

  She’s quiet for several seconds. “Come to Georgia, Maggie. Let’s spend some time together, clear your head, and then if that’s what you still want to do, I will support you in any way you need.” After hanging up, I call to make flight arrangements.

  Three days later I’m on a plane to Georgia.

  WHEN I SEE my aunt searching the crowd for me, I can no longer hold back my tears. I walk towards her and when we make eye contact she stops and reaches out for me. I slowly crumble in her arms.

  “Maggie, baby, I’m so glad you’re here,” she says, pulling back to look at me. “You look tired. How long has it been since you’ve slept?” she asks.

  “Too long,” I say, holding onto her hands. “Aunt Virginia, I’ve missed you and I’m so glad to see you.” She holds me tight for several minutes as the crowd moves around us.

  “Come on, sweetie, let’s get you to the house. I have some serious cooking to do so I hope you’re hungry.” I grab my luggage and follow her out of the airport and to her car.

  I carry my luggage up the stairs and to the room I’ve always known as mine; it hasn’t changed a bit. The white wrought iron bed is still in the same corner it’s always been, next to the window. There’s the same overstuffed blue chair on the opposite wall, with a small table and lamp. The curtains are the same beige lace cafés. I smile when I see the huge pink teddy bear I won at the fair and it sits in the same corner, as though it’s been waiting on me all these years. I can still remember how mad I was when my dad told me that there wasn’t enough room in the car for it so it had to stay here and every summer it was always here to greet me.

  I unpack my clothes and toiletries before walking back downstairs, where the wonderful smell of pumpkin bread fills the air. My aunt has always been the cook in the family. She used to tease my mom, telling her that she got the chef genes and my mom got the beauty genes. Aunt Virginia stands at the sink while I pull a chair out from the huge farm table that she’s had for years. “Sit down, I’m just warming up some stew for lunch. I made it this morning knowing it’s your favorite.”

  I sit and fold my hands in my lap, not knowing what to say. But I feel like I need to talk. “Aunt Virginia, I feel like my life is such a mess. How could this happen? How could I be so stupid?” She pats my shoulder, setting a bowl of hot stew in front of me.

  “Maggie, you stop that talk right now.” She sits next to me, grabbing my face in her hands. “All things happen for a reason. It’s not our place to question the good Lord as to why they happen, we just accept them and deal as best we know how.” I stare into her eyes; they’re my mother’s eyes and I can’t help but wonder what she would have said. Then I suddenly see my father’s face and I close my eyes, knowing what this will do to him.

  “Dad is going to hate me. I’ll never be able to look him in the eye ever again, and that’s if he doesn’t already hate me for leaving.”

  “Maggie, your dad loves you. I know I haven’t always agreed with how strict he was with you when you were younger, but he’s still a good man and he will get over it.” I finish my stew as Aunt Virginia sits quietly in the chair next to me.

  Over the next few hours we sit and catch up on everything. She tells me about her book club, her women’s Bible study group, and how the neighbor’s dog down the road keeps showing up on her front porch.

  “He’s a cute little thing, but if he doesn’t quit pooping in my yard I’m gonna have to haul him off.” She points out towards the lake.

  “Aunt Virginia, shame on you! You love dogs, and we both know you would never do that.” She nods in agreement as we laugh.

  That night as I lie in bed, I think about how my life has taken such a dramatic detour. I think about Sam and I wonder where he is and I feel a twinge of anger when I think about why he never contacted me. I come to the conclusion that maybe he didn’t feel the same way about me as I felt about him. I hesitantly brush my hand over my stomach, and I feel a lump form in my throat as the tears slide down my cheek. The next morning I wake to the rumbles in my stomach; I smell bacon. I quickly get dressed and hurry downstairs to the sound of my Aunt Virginia humming. It’s a familiar tune, one I’ve heard many time over the years.

  “I smell bacon,” I say, standing over her shoulder watching her cook. “Oh, my God, it smells good.” She hands me a plate as I grab the bacon.

  “I made pancakes too. I know how much you like pancakes.” She sets the massive plate of pancakes in front of me.

  “Aunt Virginia, I can’t eat all of these.” I begin taking a few and putting them on my plate.

  “When you were little you could eat that and more. You had such a healthy appetite,” she says, while we both sit and eat.

  Over the next few days I spend a lot of my time alone. I sit on the dock by the lake behind the house every morning and evening. I find that the quiet and solitude is what I need in order to think about my life and the mistakes I’ve made and as the days go by, I become more and more convinced that the decision I’ve made is the right one. Aunt Virginia has been my rock during my stay. We’ve laughed, cried, and talked about how life is full of surprises. It may not always be fair, but how you deal with it is what’s important.

  I hate saying goodbye to my aunt, but it is time I accept my fate and get on with my life. She made it clear that her home is my home and her door is always open. We hug each other goodbye and as I board the plane back to New York City, I have a whole new outlook on life.

  As I unlock my door and pull my luggage inside, I feel an overwhelming need to talk to my friend Nadia. I needed to laugh, I needed to feel normal again. I immediately text her as I unload my bags.

  M
e: I’m home from my trip!

  Nadia: On my way!

  Just as I’m walking towards the front door I hear her knock. “It’s open, come in!” I yell, and she walks through the door with her usual exotic-looking smile on her face.

  “I’m so glad you’re home! I’ve been so bored without you,” she says, pulling me into a hug.

  “I missed you too.” I hug her back.

  “Let’s go sit on the balcony. I need some fresh air.”

  We get comfortable in our seats and I look over at Nadia and smile. “Nadia, I’ve made up my mind about the baby. I’m going to put it up for adoption.”

  She nods and smiles. “Are you sure that’s what you want to do?”

  “Yes, I’ve never been surer about it than I am right now. I’ve had a lot of time to think about it and I know that’s the decision I can live with.”

  “I’m glad you feel that way. I’ll be here to support you in any way I can.” I can tell there’s still something she wants to say.

  “What is it Nadia? I feel like you have questions you want to ask.” I watch her as she stands and walks over to the balcony railing. I can see she’s trying to choose her words carefully.

  “Maggie, does Sam know about the baby?” I walk over and stand next to her.

  “No, he doesn’t. I know he’s in Chicago but I have no way of finding him.” I stand and look over the balcony rail. I look away, hoping to avoid the disapproving look on her face. I’ve told her how I feel about Sam; she knows it wasn’t just a one-night stand, but I still feel as though she may judge me.

  “Well, you know his name, don’t you? Look him up on Google,” she says.