Miles From Home

by Ava Bell

  “Maggie? What’s wrong?” I kneel down in front of her with my hands on her thighs. She swallows hard and looks away as the tears slide down her cheek.

  “I feel as if my life is like an hourglass, and it’s glued to a table and all the sand is quickly running out.”

  I quickly fight back any emotions as I place both hands on her face and look her in the eye. “Stop this, Maggie. Don’t worry about the future, or even the past. Concentrate on right now. Just us in this very moment.” I wrap my arms around Maggie and pull her to me as I let her cry.

  Later that evening we venture out and walk to the café. It had been completely redecorated, but the menu is the same good home-cooked food. Maggie watches me as I look around and fixate my eyes on the booth by the window, the same one that we sat in the first day we met. Sometimes I feel like it was luck meeting Maggie, but I know it was fate. Two people don’t fall in love so quickly and deeply without some kind of celestial help. Every day I thank those forces that put us in each other’s paths.

  Maggie seems to be feeling more upbeat as we walk hand in hand through the small Midwestern town. I just hope I didn’t make a mistake bringing her here. I wanted it to be something positive for both of us, not to relive any regrets, and I want this to be a memory we both will never forget. Just as we come to the park in the center of town, I point towards the darkened sky. There above the park, two glowing lanterns slowly floating across the sky. Maggie squeezes my hand as she watches them glow as they drift, I gaze at her as she smiles. I have Tilly to thank for arranging this for me.

  As the days fly by, Maggie and I stay cuddled together under the covers, only leaving long enough for food. I laugh at her silly jokes and she smiles as I sing to her. I even caught her dancing when she didn’t know it, but the best part is when we just hold each other without saying a word . . . my life will crumble without her.

  I drive at least ten over the speed limit, at Maggie’s request, on our way to Aunt Virginia’s. We both can’t wait to see Ellie and walk into our house as a real family for the first time. I swoop Maggie into my arms and carry her over the threshold, while she throws her head back as she laughs.

  “Sam, you are so sweet! Thank you, baby, for remembering,” she says, kissing my cheek.

  As I carry our bags upstairs, I hear Maggie and Ellie laughing and giggling downstairs. I feel a small twinge of sadness, knowing we will only have a couple of days before I leave out for six weeks. I’ve thought about canceling, but Maggie won’t go for that. If Ellie was out of school, they could go with me, but that won’t happen for several months. I did make sure my schedule was open for Ellie’s sixth birthday, since I promised her I would be here for that.

  After Ellie is tucked into bed, Maggie and I sit on the sofa with a bottle of wine and talk about her dad’s visit later in the week, when our conversation turns on a serious note.

  “Sam, I need to make sure you’re the beneficiary on my life insurance, so I may need all your personal information. Could you make sure you write it down for me?” My heart pounds loudly and I break out into a sweat.

  “I don’t want to talk about that, Maggie,” I say in a stern voice. I look down, breaking our gaze.

  “Come on, Sam. I need to make sure things are taken care of on my end,” she says, pouring another glass of wine. I rub my forehead as I lean forward, and Maggie lays her hand on mine, slowly tracing it with her finger. “Sam, I need to talk about . . . stuff. Please let me, it helps me to prepare myself.” I raise up quickly and look into her pleading eyes. My heart races because I knew this moment was coming, I just wasn’t expecting it so fast. It’s hasn’t been that long since the doctors diagnosed her with lymphoma cancer. The survival rate is usually five years, but in Maggie’s case the outcome is much worse and they have given her a year at the very most. After days of begging her to continue with her chemo treatments, she still refuses. She doesn’t want to lose what quality of life she has and we both know how miserable she was during that time.

  “Okay, Maggie, let’s talk,” I say, with frustration in my voice. She gives me a sad smile and takes a deep breath.

  “Okay . . . you know about my life insurance through the hospital and my retirement, but there’s also my trust fund that we need to get put into your name. If you want to put it in Ellie’s name, that’s fine, but I don’t want her to have access to it until she’s twenty-one and graduated from college.” As I sit and listen, I’m not a bit surprised that she has already worked all of this out before telling me.

  “I want her to continue taking ballet. She loves it and she’s a natural. Oh, and please make sure that she sees Aunt Virginia regularly, I want to keep some normalcy in her life as much as possible. I’m not sure what you are planning for when you’re out on tour, but I’d like for you to keep her with you. I thought maybe you could hire a teacher to travel with you, that way she doesn’t fall behind. Also . . .”

  I pound my fist on my knee. “STOP IT!” Maggie jumps as she looks at me in shock. There haven’t been many times that I’ve raised my voice at her and it catches her off-guard. I shake my head as I stand up.

  “Don’t do this. Please, not now. I just can’t sit here and listen to you plan everything like this.” I turn just as she gets up and walks into my office and I follow. She takes out a small pink notebook from the bottom drawer and throws it on my desk.

  “Here!” She pushes it forward. “It’s all here, I’ve written everything down.” She stands behind the desk with her arms crossed over her chest, and glaring at me.

  “Okay, it’s all written down. I’ll make sure to read it when that times comes. But I can’t stand to hear you say it.” I lower my head and look at the floor as she pushes past me and upstairs to our bedroom. I exhale and walk into the kitchen, opening the top cabinet over the refrigerator, grabbing the bottle of tequila I’ve had for over a year but never opened. I grab my jacket along with the tequila and a glass as I walk out onto the back patio. Two hours and half a bottle of tequila later, I’m still feeling frustrated and very intoxicated, so I stumble into the living room and crawl onto the sofa. As the room spins I close my eyes and try to forget the pink notebook that sits on my desk.

  I TRY TO pry my eyes open when the sun comes streaming in through the large windows. I squint to look at the time on the clock, but my eyes won’t focus and my head feels like a balloon with too much air. I lie back against the pillow and close my eyes while my head pounds and my stomach churns. Just as I start to get up, I hear Maggie in the kitchen. I quickly and quietly walk towards the bathroom, hoping she doesn’t see me, and as I turn to close the door, she is standing in the doorway with her hands on her hips. She’s pissed and our first fight as husband and wife ensues.

  It’s been twenty-four hours since Maggie ripped through me as I stood there and took it, but the make-up sex was well worth it. I make a mental note that when Maggie is angry, she wants her love-making the same. As Maggie and I stand in the doorway, I hear the impatient taxi driver honk his horn. I wave, letting him know that I am aware he’s there. I kiss her over and over while I back my way out of the house.

  “Don’t forget to call me as soon as you board your flight!” she yells. While I run towards my ride and I turn to wave as she blows me a kiss with both hands.

  The first two weeks are brutal; it’s been four months since I’ve had such a busy schedule. After each show I can barely make it into the shower and bed before passing out. I finally pull myself together halfway through the tour, knowing it won’t be long before I’m home. Every morning I call Maggie to catch up on what’s been going on and each evening Ellie and I use Skype to chat on the computer. I still haven’t told Maggie about my conversation with Adam about not scheduling any more dates for a while. He was very understanding and assured me that he will have no problem booking me when I’m ready.

  My flight lands an hour earlier than scheduled, so instead of calling Maggie, I hop in a taxi and head home. My phone rings just as we’re pulling up
to the curb, and when I see that it’s Maggie, I hit ignore and I run up the steps to the house. As soon as I open the door I’m met with squeals and hugs. I drop my bags on the floor just as Ellie jumps into my arms and Maggie runs down the stairs towards me. Maggie immediately stops when she sees the expression on my face. I notice she’s much thinner than before I left. I set Ellie down and slowly walk towards her and wrap my arms around her. I can practically feel every bone in her body. I breathe in the sweet smell of her hair while I kiss her neck.

  “Maggie, you’re so thin. You haven’t been eating, have you?” I say, pulling away to look at her.

  “Sam, you’ve been gone for weeks and that’s all you’re going to say to me?” She turns and walks to the kitchen.

  “I’m sorry, Maggie, but you were doing so well before I left. Baby, I’m so happy to see you.” I grab her arm and pull her to me.

  “I haven’t had an appetite. But please don’t let this spoil everything,” she whispers in my ear.

  “Okay, but now that I’m here you will eat!” She just smiles and nods.

  Ellie’s sixth birthday party was a hit. All of her friends from school and dance were there, and Maggie had everything organized as usual. After a full day of fun and cake, I carry Ellie upstairs for bed while Maggie finishes picking up toys that were scattered all around the house. After two bedtime stories I kiss her and tuck her in. When I find Maggie curled up and sound asleep in the bed, I have a sinking feeling come over me. This is not like her; she always waits up for me unless she’s not feeling well. I did notice how tired she’s been and the dark circles under her eyes definitely give that away. I slowly climb in bed, making sure I don’t wake her. As I pull her to me, she slowly opens her eyes and smiles.

  “Go back to sleep, I just want to hold you,” I say, as she turns and falls back to sleep.

  Over the next few weeks the three of us settle back into our regular routine; I take Ellie to school and Maggie takes care of anything around the house. Even though I help out as much as she will let me, she likes to do it herself. I’ve noticed, just in the past few days, Maggie struggles just to do small things like laundry or picking up Ellie’s toys. Her moods are all over the place and when I bring up hiring a housekeeper again she explodes.

  “You are not hiring a housekeeper! I’m fully capable of taking care of things myself,” she says, standing with her hands on her hips. We’ve had this same conversation several times and she always wins. Not this time, though.

  “Maggie, this is a big house. I never said you couldn’t handle it, I know you can. But baby, let’s be a little more realistic here. Just walking up and down those stairs wears you out. Hell, we haven’t had sex in almost a week, and that’s not like us. You’re exhausted at the end of the day and I’m worried, so please don’t fight me on this.” She continues to glare at me until I turn and walk to my office.

  Two days later, I hire Cynthia, an older woman in her late fifties who just lost her husband last year. I’m amazed at how much that woman can get done in just a few hours. Even Maggie seems to appreciate her being here. Each day I see more and more of a change in Maggie; she sleeps longer, she’s losing more weight, and I can tell she’s in pain just from watching her while she moves around the house. I beg Maggie to see her oncologist, but she tells me no and refuses to even talk about it until I finally stop. It’s so hard to watch her health deteriorate as she gets more and more frail each day.

  One sunny afternoon, the three of us decide to have a picnic in the backyard. Ellie planned the menu and helped Cynthia prepare it while I pick the perfect spot. I spread a blanket out under the big cherry blossom tree that is in full bloom and run upstairs to get Maggie. As I carry her out to the blanket, she lays her head on my shoulder and traces the outline of my lower lip with her finger. I set her down on the blanket, and my heart breaks when Ellie carefully kisses and hugs Maggie. Ellie is aware that her mother is ill, but I haven’t told her that she will never get well. I just can’t go there yet. Maggie and I snack on peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, grapes, and chips as we watch Ellie run and play. When Maggie catches me looking at her she smiles and pulls me close. “Do you have any idea how much I love you?” she says. I lean over her and brush the hair out of her eyes.

  “I know it will never be as much as I love you, Maggie.” I look into her eyes, hoping she knows how sincere I am.

  “Sam, you’ve made me so happy. I hope you know that.”

  I lean down and kiss her softly, rubbing my cheek against hers. She sits up and gives me a serious look. “Please promise me something.” She pauses and looks down at her hands.

  I know she’s wanting to say something, but she’s not sure how to say it. ”What Maggie? You know I’ll promise you anything.”

  “Promise me you’ll take care of Ellie. My father and I never had the kind of relationship that you and her have. I want you to always keep communicating with her, even when she is a moody teenager. There will be some frustrating times between you two, but she needs to know that you love her and you’ll always be there for her.” I reach up and wipe the single tear that is sliding down her cheek.

  “You know me better than that; she’s my life. You both are my life.” She gives me a weak smile as we both lie back.

  That night I’m suddenly woken by the sound of Maggie in the bathroom, and it sounds like she is crying. When I walk in, I see her lying on the floor, curled up in a ball. I kneel down beside her.

  “Maggie, what’s wrong? Are you hurting, baby?” I gather her hair, moving it to the side so I can see her face.

  “Oh, Sam . . . it hurts. I can’t move, it hurts so bad.” I pull her towards me, but she screams as I try to lift her, so I run into the bedroom and grab my phone and dial 911. As soon as I know they are on their way, I run downstairs to unlock the door and then I call Aunt Virginia. While I lay next to Maggie I listen for the sound of the sirens, pleading with them to hurry and praying that Ellie doesn’t wake up. As soon as I hear the door open downstairs I exhale all the air I’ve been holding in. I turn to see Aunt Virginia standing in the bathroom doorway, and with shaky hands she kneels down next to us.

  “Maggie, I’m here, sweetie,” she says, stroking Maggie’s head, and I can see nothing but fear in her eyes when she looks over at me.

  Maggie lies still with her eyes closed while she grips my hand, and I know that as long as she’s holding my hand, she’s still with me. When I hear the footsteps getting closer, I’m relieved and terrified at the same time. I move away from Maggie as the paramedics surround her. I watch while they move her to the gurney and strap her in. I grab my keys and phone as I follow the paramedics out the door. I watch as they put her into the back and close the doors before climbing into my car. I pull up to the emergency room just as they are taking her in, so I jump out of my car and race in behind them. I watch from the hallway as they quickly get Maggie onto the bed, their movements quick and urgent, and I feel a sense of relief when I see Josh is in there with her. After several minutes Josh walks out and towards me.

  “Sam, let’s go into one of the empty rooms so we can talk.”

  I shake my head slowly. “No, no, I’m not leaving her. You’ll have to talk to me right here where I can still see her.”

  Josh inhales deeply and looks down. “Okay, I understand. I’ve put a call in to Dr. Mirabile, and as soon as I hear from him, we can move her to a room. I’ve asked one of the other ER physicians to take over for me, Dr. Horton. He will let you know what’s going on and what they will be doing. Sam, Maggie has a DNR and a living will. I know you are aware of that, right?” I nod slowly while I stare straight ahead. I’m not sure what Josh is telling me and I’m not sure I care at this point. My whole body is numb and my heart hurts as I watch them work on Maggie’s small fragile body. Josh puts his hand on my shoulder. “I’ve always known she belongs with you, Sam. I loved her with everything I had. But that love could never match what you two shared. I will check on her progress, but I can’t be her
e right now.” He lowers his head and walks down the hallway.

  When the nurse comes out to tell me what floor they will be moving her to, I call Aunt Virginia.

  “Sam, is she okay?” she asks, as she answers.

  “They are moving her to a room on the second floor, and I’ll let you know once they get her settled. Is Ellie still sleeping?”

  “Yes, she’s fine. Please, Sam, let me know as soon as you know something.” I can barely answer her before I end the call and I make my way to the elevator to the second floor. I push the button and begin to pray. I walk to the second-floor nurses’ desk.

  “Have they brought Maggie Austin to her room yet?” I ask the nurse. She looks at her computer and points to the room across from the desk. When I see Maggie lying there, I freeze. I can’t seem to breathe and my legs go weak, but I swallow hard and I walk in. The nurse looks at me with compassion in her eyes.

  “You must be Mrs. Austin’s husband. You can come in. There’s a recliner next to the bed for you.” She points to it.

  “What are they going to do, is she going to be okay?” I whisper.

  “The doctor will be in shortly to explain everything, but we have her resting comfortably. We gave her some pain medication which is making her very sleepy.” I nod, looking around at all the machines and pumps that surround her bed. “If you need anything, or if she wakes up, just press the call button. I’m just outside the door at the desk.” She smiles and walks out. I move closer to Maggie and lay my head down next to her hand while I hold it. When I hear footsteps, I look up to see Dr. Mirabile standing at her bedside.

  “Sam, how are you?” he asks. I don’t answer while I blankly look at him. He moves closer to me and speaks quietly. “Sam, Maggie is very sick, and her body is shutting down. I wish there was more that we could do, but at this point, keeping her comfortable and pain-free is our main focus.” I continue to hold Maggie’s hand while he tells me that this is the end, the one moment I prayed would never come.