Pole Position

by Sofia Grey

  I couldn’t break free. My front was tangled in Pedro’s rear. I was pulled in too. Steering was useless, the pedals were dangling lumps of metal. We flipped end over end, once, twice… I blacked out as my head collided with something solid, then I heard something screaming again. It was me. I was being dragged, helpless, into the wall of fire on Pedro’s tail.

  It felt as though I had stepped outside my body. I saw myself wriggling out of the wreckage, picking my way through the scattered debris on the track and staring into the inferno. Pedro was in there. I’d forced Pedro in there, to save myself. I couldn’t live with myself if I survived at the cost of his life, but I was frozen. Terror, bone numbing, unadulterated fear held me fast and forced me to watch as he burned. I smelled singed hair, burning flesh, but still I could not move. Someone else scrambled through the tangled remains of his car, dodging the flames, while I stood shaking like the coward I was. Pedro’s face, lifeless. His hands and arms burning through his suit. I could only watch.

  “Noooo.” I lurched awake, gasping for breath. My ribs complained at the sudden movement, and my lungs labored to draw air. I could smell the fire, smell the burning flesh, hear the metal scraping on metal. I put my hands over my ears to block out the noise and gasped painfully for breath. Sweat poured down my face. My whole body shook, and still I struggled to breathe.

  Anita rubbed her eyes. “Jon?” Her voice was sleepy. “What is it?”

  I blinked, swallowed, and took my hands off my ears. Apart from the rasping of my lungs and the frantic pounding of my heart, all was silent. I sniffed cautiously. I could smell Anita’s perfume, the faint musky smells of our recent lovemaking. No fire.

  I lay back, shivering violently, my teeth rattling, and Anita wrapped her arms around me. “What is it? Are you ill? Do you need a doctor?” Her voice rose. “Talk to me Jon.”

  Her embrace reminded me of the safety harness in the car. I shook her off. The harness cut into my shoulders as the car flipped, held me fast as I plunged headlong into the terror. I only just remembered that now.

  “Jon.” She looked petrified.

  “Nightmare,” I rasped. I took a slow breath, then another. I needed to force myself to be calm, get some air into my lungs. I swung my legs out of bed, reached for my boxers and T-shirt on the floor where I dropped them earlier.

  Anita flicked on the bedside lights and I blinked in the sudden brightness. “Babe, are you okay?” Her voice was low and scared. I’d frightened her.

  “I’m fine.” Fear made my voice curt. Even as I spoke, I knew I was being unfair. She reached for a bathrobe, but I didn’t want company at the moment. “I’m going to get a drink.” I forced my voice to be steady. “Stay here, I’ll be back soon.”

  “I’ll come. I can make you some cocoa— “

  “Stay here. I just want a few minutes by myself.”

  She heeded my warning and shrank back down in bed, her eyes huge and scared as they watched me. Well that answered my earlier question. I was just another bully.

  I recalled seeing a bottle of brandy in the kitchen and I headed down there. With shaking hands, I poured myself a generous measure, and lifted the glass to my lips. I gulped the alcohol. Heat seared the back of my throat. I was instantly nauseous, but I forced myself to drink it all. As the warmth spread through my veins, I poured a second glass, and sat down at the table with it. I massaged my temples. It was just a nightmare. A fucking freaky nightmare, but it was over.

  I closed my eyes and probed the fleeting memory I was on the verge of uncovering. Until now, I only remembered up to the point of climbing free from the car. Although the accident had taken three, maybe four seconds at most, it seemed to have expanded in my mind and there were huge swathes of it still locked away, unremembered.

  I’d only just recalled the sensation of the harness tearing into my shoulders, locking me into what I thought would be my coffin. After that, everything was blank until I awoke in the hospital with Mum weeping beside me. Even then, for a chilling moment, I thought I lay dead in the morgue, unable to move or respond to her.

  But my mind played tricks on me. My harness had held me tight, before I climbed free, so was that a real memory, or just some composite my brain had conjured up? When I stood at the side of the track and watched Pedro burn, that was real. When I’d been frozen and unable to move—unable to help him, after I put him there—to my eternal shame that was also real.

  Maddie whined softly by my side, and I reached down to fondle her ears. She grunted and lay down sprawled across my feet. It was strangely comforting. I couldn’t face the prospect of going back to bed yet, so I folded my arms on the table top, rested my head on them, and eventually fell asleep.

  20.2 Anita

  I lay awake a long time waiting for Jon to come back to bed. He was adamant he wanted to be alone, so I complied. I didn’t like it though. When I tried to comfort him, he pushed me away, and that hurt. Just a few hours earlier, he’d been saying how much he loved to make love to me, and now this. I didn’t know what to think.

  When he’d snuggled close, and murmured to me, for one thrilling, delicious moment, I stupidly thought he would say he loved me. But no. This was probably as close as I’d get.

  He was capable of loving. He must have been in love with Susie to have asked her to marry him. I knew my place was well and truly on the sidelines, a convenient distraction while he waited for the next stage of his career to take off. I swallowed down my bitterness. We only had a week left together, and moping, wishing it was longer, wouldn’t change anything. When he came back to bed, I’d put a brave face on and pretend nothing was wrong. Just like in the car.

  ****

  As the early morning light filtered through the curtains, I realized Jon hadn’t come back to bed at all. I’d drifted into a fitful sleep, tears drying on my face, and now I was tired and cranky. And worried. I found him slumped over the kitchen table, the remnants of a bottle of brandy in front of him. I’d never seen him drink anything stronger than wine. And he’d had several glasses of that last night as well.

  I touched his arm. It felt cold, but he only wore a T-shirt with his boxers. I went to fetch a blanket and draped that over his shoulders, and then I quietly made a cup of tea and put away the brandy. Maddie snuffled at my hand, but stayed on Jon’s feet. At least they’d be warm. Noah and Thing came wandering in, asking for breakfast, but I shooed them away for the moment.

  Jon slept on, snoring peacefully, so I went back upstairs to shower and dress. By the time I came back down, he was bustling round the kitchen, feeding the animals.

  “Morning.” He sounded cheery enough. “Want some coffee?”

  “Yes please.” I sat, uncertain how to behave.

  He set a mug in front of me, gazed at me, and then wordlessly opened his arms. We held each other for a few moments before he spoke. “I’m sorry about last night. I had a bloody awful dream. I just needed to go somewhere quiet and get my head together.”

  At least he was talking to me. “It’s okay, I was worried about you. Do you want to tell me about it?”

  He stiffened in my arms, and spoke lightly. “I’ve forgotten it now. It was something and nothing, you know how these things are.” He sat down next to me and kissed me briefly on the lips. “What are we doing today? Looks like it’s a nice day again.”

  He was lying, I knew it. I stared back at him, but the moment had passed. I sighed, turned it into a yawn, and stretched. “We could go back to bed for an hour?” I gave him what I thought was a tempting smile.

  He stood up and walked to the fridge, peering inside it. “I feel like going out. We’re on holiday after all.” He glanced over his shoulder at me. “It was fun last night, at Jordan’s. Perhaps we should invite them over?”

  I only have a week with you. I don’t want to share you with anyone. Kate and Jordan had been very friendly, and Poppy was sweet, but they could see him anytime. This was our time together. I ducked my head, stared at the coffee mug, and murmured, “If you l
ike.”

  Closing the fridge, he moved to gaze out of the window at the mountain beyond. “How far up that can we go? Without needing special equipment?”

  “We can go most of the way on the footpaths. Are you up to it? I thought—”

  “I’m fine. I need some exercise before my muscles all go soft. Are we okay to take Maddie with us?”

  “Yes, she’s been up there plenty of times.”

  “I’ll go and shower. Why don’t we leave after that, make the most of the sunshine?”

  I stared. “Don’t you want some breakfast?” I thought of the wine and brandy sloshing in his stomach.

  “Nah, I’m not hungry.”

  20.3 Anita

  It was the same as the day before. He demanded the car keys, insisting he was driving. He’d barely pulled out of the parking area before he was nursing his left wrist in his lap, looking pale and shaken. He shook his head at me before I could say anything. I shrank back in my seat and stared out of the window.

  He careered along the main road and we got a bit farther this time, onto the road leading up to South Stack, but he was clearly in pain and had to pull over. He leaned forward, his head resting on the steering wheel, his hands lying useless in his lap.

  “What’s happening?” He whispered, as though he didn’t dare say it aloud.

  Tears trickled down my cheeks. I picked up his limp hands in my own and kissed them. “You’ll be fine. It’s just a bit of muscle strain.”

  “Fine? We’re talking about my hands. My fucking hands.” He snatched them back and thumped the wheel with his fists bunched. “Without my hands, I’m fucking useless.” To my horror, he banged his forehead with his fists. “Either that or my brain is fucked. Either way it all means the same.” His face was white, etched with lines of worry and pain.

  What should I do? Nothing I knew could suggest how to react in these circumstances. All I knew was the man I loved was tearing himself apart. I took a deep breath, and trembling, reached out and took his hands again.

  “Enough,” I shouted. It got his attention and he stared mutinously at me. I unclenched his fists and kissed the palms. “We’ll get through this. You helped to fix me, and I promise I’ll help to fix you.”

  Suddenly his arms were around me, his face buried in my hair. “I won’t let this beat me.”

  ****

  We walked and climbed until we were exhausted, finally stumbling our way down to the car. I drove the short distance back, then fed the animals and sorted out dinner while Jon hunched over his laptop again. He was reading and sending long emails as far as I could tell, and his hands worked fine now. They only seemed to fail when he tried to drive.

  After spending most of the evening on his laptop, we finally curled up together on the settee to watch some TV. Jon was in no hurry to go to bed. Long after I was yawning and dozing, he carried on channel surfing and making inroads into a bottle of wine.

  He made love to me with a strange intensity that night, a grim determination, as though his mind was elsewhere. Was he worrying about last night’s bad dream?

  I’d barely gone to sleep when I awoke to find him thrashing and shouting beside me, his face contorted with horror. As I tried to wake him, he struggled against me, finally waking with fear in his eyes. Again, he leapt out of bed, shaking and trembling, unable to breathe. When I went to him, he pushed me away. He was practically hysterical. He staggered downstairs, while I sat frozen with indecision. There must be something I could do, but what?

  I waited an hour, and then took two pillows and blankets downstairs, the cats following me. Maddie had already defected to be with Jon.

  He was slumped over the table, his breath stinking of brandy again. I covered him with the blanket, shifted him slightly so that he was resting his head on the pillow, and then curled myself on the armchair in the kitchen. I could at least stay there and keep watch over him.

  Monday morning came, and Jon bustled round me as though sleeping in the kitchen was perfectly normal. He had shadows under his eyes and a haunted look on his pale face, but showed a steely determination to pretend all was fine.

  We went through the routine of him trying to drive. He got a little farther today, but was clearly in great pain. I drove back to the house where we had coffee, and then he tried again. And again. All we did on Monday was drive a few yards at a time. He refused to quit. By late afternoon, I insisted we go back, and he conceded defeat for the day. I couldn’t begin to imagine the torment he suffered. I couldn’t stand to see him crucifying himself.

  We took a long walk on the beach, hand in hand. He was gentle and loving now he’d pushed today’s demons back into hiding, but as the evening passed, he tensed again. It was another bad night for both of us. He had the nightmare, so we moved down to the kitchen. The brandy bottle was down to its last dregs now. Then he had another nightmare while in his drunken stupor at the table.

  I awoke to hear him shouting. The words were slurred, meaningless to me, but he yelled and cried out in pain. This time he let me hold him, his head pressed into my neck, my arms around him as he calmed down. We spent the rest of the night sleeping in each other’s arms on the settee.

  I hoped that on Tuesday morning he might have finally extinguished his demons, that we may have turned a corner. How wrong I was.

  20.4 Colette

  It was quick and easy to make the arrangements to change my life. I had a short interview for the admin job at J&J Computing and got hired straight away. Sienna, my old school friend, was adamant I move into her flat as they were looking for a third to share. I had a month’s notice to work at the bookshop, but I was moving out of Danny’s right away. Having made my decision, there was no reason to wait any longer.

  Danny banged about in a typically filthy mood, probably something to do with Anita going away with Jon, but I was over it. While he sulked at the stables on Sunday, I packed up my bags and sorted out my laundry.

  He was so wrapped up in his own world I didn’t think he even noticed.

  Monday was my half-day at the bookshop, so I prepared to move out. I loaded up my car and was about to set off when he came home and found me stuffing the last box of books onto the passenger seat.

  His eyes took in the state of my car—bursting at the seams would be a good description. “What’s going on?”

  I made my voice bright and cheery. “I’m off. I’m moving in with Sienna.”

  He was speechless. “But…but…why?”

  All of a sudden, he looked like a small boy. My heart ached for him. It would be so easy to give him a hug and fall into his arms and his bed, but I had more pride than that. I refused to put up with being second best while he waited endlessly for Anita to fall in love with him. He’d more chance of hell freezing over.

  I sighed, locked up the car, and followed him into the house.

  The stubborn so-and-so refused to accept what I was saying. He insisted Anita would only ever be like a sister to him.

  “But I saw you snogging her. In front of me.”

  “That was nothing, Colette. Just a peck on the lips. It didn’t mean anything.” He stood with his back to the kitchen sink, hands gripping the counter. His gaze followed me as I wandered around, unable to settle. I knew if he made a move toward me, we’d probably end up in bed. I needed distance.

  “What about the way you tried to mess things up for her with Jon? You can’t deny you did that. The stupid news story in the Daily Comet.” I crossed my arms and stared at him. “You can’t deny that either.”

  That silenced him. His mouth opened as though he was going to say something, but then he snapped it shut again.

  Pain twisted inside my chest, I was on the verge of falling in love with Danny, and that would only be bad news. Until he could make up his mind who he wanted, I wasn’t interested.

  I tried to ignore the pain in his eyes. “Please, Colette.” He swallowed, hard. “Don’t do this.”

  “I have to.” I knew if I didn’t walk away, I’d end up
staying another night. I hardened my heart, and slammed the door behind me, before driving away.

  God, it hurt more than I expected.

  Chapter 21

  21.1 Jon

  I was weary and hung-over on Tuesday, sick of broken nights, sick of the endless nightmares, sick of my hands failing. Sick of everything. Since I’d drunk the best part of Kathy’s cooking brandy and disposed of several of Geoff’s bottles of wine, I suggested a trip to the supermarket to replace them.

  Anita was gray with exhaustion but agreed to drive us into Holyhead where we could wander round the shops and kill some time. She bumped into someone she knew, a friend of her parents, and while they chatted, I distracted myself by looking at the houses for sale. One looked familiar. It was close to Bryn Dinas, and we’d seen it on our walks with Maddie. I asked her when she eventually came free, and she examined the advert with interest.

  “Yes, it’s practically next door. It’s like Mum and Dad’s, but a smaller version, and still has its stables. Ours were converted into the bunkhouse and storage shed.”

  She gave me a cheery smile, and we explored the small town further. I bought the replacement brandy and wine, along with another six bottles of red wine and a bottle of cheap whisky. I didn’t drink spirits as a rule, so I figured whisky was as good as anything was for using to blot out the night terrors. Anita’s perpetually worried expression irritated me, and I ignored her gentle protests, adding a second bottle of Scotch just to annoy her.

  We took Maddie for another long beach walk, and Anita suggested we drive over to the airbase to watch some flying. She’d seen some jets taking off earlier. I shrugged. Tiredness, worry, and fear were making me unbelievably grouchy. Even while I recognized this, I was incapable of snapping out of it. I wanted to try to drive again. My goal was to drive the couple of miles to the car park at the foot of the mountain, so we tried again, all afternoon. I was so fucking fed up. All I could manage was a matter of yards before my muscles went into a spasm.