Pole Position

by Sofia Grey

  Here, he could be a completely different person. He looked relaxed and casual, and very much at home with his lovely family. I felt a pang of envy. This was how I dreamed of my future when I finished on the racing circuit. A wife by my side and a couple of children. A shaggy dog, and maybe even some chickens. Not yet, I had to crack F1 first, but yes, when I retired from the sport, I wanted this. Knowing Jordan had made this switch, and now thrived on it, gave me confidence it could be done.

  Why was it, when I daydreamed about this future, it was always with Anita’s face there as my wife?

  22.3 Jon

  Later that morning Jordan announced he was going into Holyhead, if I’d like a lift back to Bryn Dinas. I couldn’t begin to thank him and Kate for all they’d done. I was hugely embarrassed, but they were brilliant.

  Kate gave me a big hug. “Look after yourself, Jon; it was lovely having you stay. Even under the circumstances.”

  Jordan drove back, diverting up to South Stack car park, where he pulled over and switched off the engine. Getting out of the car, he walked across to the edge and stood, staring out to sea. I went to join him.

  He gestured down the cliff face to the lighthouse. “Is that where you were headed? The other night?”

  “I don’t know. Possibly.”

  He sighed. “Jon, for a smart guy, you can be dumb sometimes. You have everything ahead of you. You nearly threw it all away. If Anita hadn’t called us? You’d have ended up down there, bleeding to death on the rocks. Or locked in a police cell, from drunk driving. Or facing a manslaughter charge from hitting someone in your car.”

  I tensed, but he hadn’t finished. “Getting wasted, yeah I understand that. Believe me, I’ve been there, thinking my only friend was the bottle. But I have never, and I mean never, been stupid enough to think I could drive my car when I’d been on a bender.” He turned to face me. “Don’t do it again. Ever. We might not be there to rescue you next time.”

  He was right. I had to take this on the chin. “I won’t, believe me. I know how close I came, and it scares the hell out of me. There aren’t words to sum up how grateful I am for what you’ve done.”

  He grasped my hand, and held it fast. “It’s history. And Jon, I’d really be honored if we could become friends. I think we have a lot in common. And our women seem to get on pretty well too.” He paused. “I’m kinda assuming that you are going to patch it up with Anita? She worships the ground you walk on; you don’t seriously think she’d be interested in anyone else? Man, she’s crazy about you.”

  “It’s no life for her.” I spoke without thinking. “If I move to F1 I’m going to be traveling the world for nine months of the year. She has her own life.”

  “Have you asked her that? Seems to me like you have to give her the choice at least.”

  I remained silent, and stared at the waves crashing on the rocks below. It felt as though I’d known Anita forever. I could barely imagine a life without her. In reality, it was less than a month. It was madness to think about something long term together. I’d known Susie for years before we married, and look how that worked out.

  I needed to focus on my career. I had the Houston trip coming up, then the trials in Italy, and after that who knew?

  “It’s different for you, Jordan. You work freelance; you can pick and choose what work you do. And Kate, does she have a career?”

  He rubbed his nose in an awkward gesture. “Kate had a thriving career, and we nearly fell apart because of it. I now work freelance because I chose to give up TM-Tech, because I wanted a better life, with Kate by my side. Life is all about choices. This was my choice, and I don’t regret a second of it. Sometimes the right decisions are the hardest to make.”

  Chapter 23

  23.1 Anita

  Kate rang me mid-morning on Thursday to say Jordan would be bringing Jon back later. I asked how he was.

  “Sober now, more or less.”

  “Did he say anything about me?”

  She hesitated. “Not to me. But he doesn’t seem to be so angry now.”

  “No more nightmares?”

  “No, he slept through last night. Good luck, Anita, and whichever way this goes between you and Jon, please keep in touch. I mean that.”

  My eyes filled with tears. I couldn’t believe how much I’d cried, yet they still kept coming. I thanked her again and hung up.

  Maddie bounced around, keen for a walk as usual. I’d get ready, so we could go as soon as Jon returned. I couldn’t face him. Couldn’t bear to see him hate me.

  Jordan’s car pulled onto the gravel outside, and I went to grab my jacket and Maddie’s lead. She bounced alongside me and we met Jon in the hallway.

  I was struck by how tired he looked—his skin gray and drawn, with huge shadows under his eyes. These now flicked over me.

  “Going out?” His voice was low and hostile.

  I raised my chin defiantly. The only way I’d get through this in one piece, would be by retreating into myself.

  I gazed back, not giving an inch. “I’m taking Maddie out. There’s fresh coffee in the kitchen.”

  We moved past each other with no contact, and he headed for the kitchen while I took Maddie outside. I kept my head high, and whistled a bright tune under my breath until I was well out of sight. I reached the sand and let Maddie run loose, and then doubled over, hit with another wave of grief.

  I had to get through today, and tomorrow, when Mum and Dad were due back. How could I do that without falling apart?

  ****

  I managed to pull together an air of bored composure as I walked back up to the house, hours later. I found Jon in the kitchen. He stood with his back to the sink, apparently waiting for me. His body language screamed tense and hostile, and my heart plummeted. Please, I wished silently, no more rows today. I couldn’t handle it. It was as much as I could do to stay in the same room without breaking down.

  “There are some things we need to talk about.” He gestured toward the table. That bloody newspaper article was there again, along with his laptop. “Please, sit down.” He sounded as gracious as an attentive dinner party host. I sat gingerly, on the edge of the seat, ready for a swift escape.

  “You were talking about smoke and mirrors.” He bent over the table next to me. “I didn’t listen, but I thought about it later.” He clicked the mouse and a picture flashed up. One of Jon with Colette. “This picture is the same as the one in the newspaper. The only person that could have taken it was Danny. And here it is in his collection of photos, which suggests Danny gave it to the press.”

  He looked at me intently. I stared back, mutinous.

  “Since Danny also had my mobile number, after you lost your phone, I think it’s pretty likely he gave that to the press too.”

  Jon waited for me to respond. I managed a tiny nod.

  “And then Danny gives you a CD of photos, presumably to show me, with some rather incriminating pictures on it, chosen by him, if not actually taken by him.” His blue eyes bored into me. “I know you think he’s your best friend, but tell me, do friends really behave like that?”

  I stared down at the table. “No,” I whispered.

  Jon abruptly moved away, back to the sink. “I’ve got this dilemma.” His voice was sharp. “I’d really like to believe you—that he set all this up to make me think you can’t be trusted. But, and this is a big but, once we leave here you’re going back to live with him. And Colette’s not there anymore, so it’ll be just the two of you. He’ll be broken-hearted and in need of some care and attention, and you’ll be the only one that can make him feel better.”

  I looked up at him, confused at the direction he’d taken.

  Jon paused, as though considering his words. “I guess what I mean is, if you haven’t done anything with him yet, chances are you will.”

  I tried to make sense of his warped logic. “Let me get this straight. You might believe I’ve been set up, and am innocent of the charges you’re laying before me.”

&
nbsp; He nodded, a tiny movement that mirrored my own, his eyes never leaving my face.

  “But now you’re judging me on what may happen? A set of circumstances that may or may not occur?”

  He flinched. It was enough to infuriate me.

  “What gives you the right to do that?” It was as though someone had flicked a switch deep inside of me. I leapt up from my seat and went to confront Jon, face-to-face. “You’re trying to claim the moral high ground here, but let me tell you, you’re on very shaky territory.”

  He opened his mouth to speak, but I held up a hand in his face. “No. It’s my turn now, and you’re going to listen. You’ve set yourself up as judge, jury, and executioner, and you’re busy making all your assumptions about me. Did you ever think to ask me what I thought? No, you didn’t.”

  I took a breath. My heart pounded. I’d never been so angry in all my life. “I’ve been betrayed by the person I thought was my best friend. My lover has turned on me and treated me like a whore. I’ve had to humiliate myself in front of people I barely know, to save your skin. I don’t expect you to thank me, but I also don’t expect you to stab me in the back. How do you know what will happen when we leave here?” I went nose-to-nose with him, one finger prodding his chest. He stayed silent.

  “You might win your championship. You might take Formula 1 by storm. You might fall into another bottle of Scotch. The point is, I don’t know what will happen, and you bloody don’t either.”

  I stopped. I’d run out of words for the moment. He eyed me warily. All the fight drained out of me, and I hung my head, weary now. I just wanted to go home and start putting my life back together again.

  Jon took my hands and squeezed them gently. I sighed and raised my head to look at him. He swallowed hard. “I can’t begin to apologize for how I’ve behaved, especially to you. And you’re the one I should have turned to, not pushed away. Can you ever forgive me?” He gave me a shaky smile, but I was frozen.

  He tried again. “Jordan told me it’s all about choices, and how we make our decisions. But I can’t choose for you. Please, Anita, come with me to the States next week. Stay by my side. I love you. I can’t bear the thought of losing you, not after all we’ve been through.”

  I closed my eyes as they filled with more useless tears. What would I have given to hear this a week ago? But now, it was all too late.

  “Sweetheart?” His voice was soft and coaxing.

  I looked at him and shook my head. His eyes opened wide, he looked scared. I pulled my hands free and wrapped my arms around my body. I had to move. My legs were trembling so badly I thought I might fall over, so I slumped into one of the chairs at the table. In a flash, Jon sat beside me, reaching out. I pulled back, wouldn’t let him hold me. I crept closer to breaking point.

  “Why?” I saw the shock in his eyes.

  I took another shaky breath and tried, haltingly, to explain. “Loving you, Jon, is like having an illness. It swept across me like a fever, burning me up. When I’m with you, I can’t think about anything else, you consume my every thought and waking moment. But I can’t live like this. It’s either the heights of ecstasy or the depths of hell, and I go seesawing between them. There’s no middle ground, no normal life in there. It’s a cliché to say you live your life in the fast lane, but it’s true, and I can’t do that. I’ve tried, but it’s destroying me. I won’t ask you to give it up because then you wouldn’t be you anymore, and you’d resent me. You know you would.” I paused. He looked in pain, as though every word I spoke cut him like a knife.

  “I want a normal life, Jon, not one where I’m terrified for your safety every two weeks. I want to get over you and find some nice, quiet, dull, man. Someone who’ll marry me and give me babies, and live a quiet life with me, and grow old with me. But someone who’ll be with me, not flashing round the world on the merry-go-round you live on.”

  His eyes searched my face. “Is this it? Are you leaving me?”

  I nodded wearily. A great heavy blanket of sadness descended over me, making every movement sluggish.

  “For Danny?” His voice was barely audible.

  “For fuck’s sake. This isn’t anything to do with bloody Danny. He manipulated me and betrayed me. He’s behaved almost as badly as you.”

  My sudden swearing made him start. He gazed up at the window, stared at the darkening sky for a long time. Eventually he turned back to me.

  “I had no idea. And I’m sorry, Anita, more sorry than I can ever say. Is there anything I can do to make it up to you?”

  I managed a weak smile. “It hasn’t all been bad. I’ll never forget how you made love to me, how you showed me what it can be like.”

  He smiled back, raised his hands to me, and cupped my face, his thumbs gently stroking my cheeks. He looked lovingly at me. “Your parents aren’t back until tomorrow, we have one night left together—”

  “One last fuck for old time’s sake?” I interrupted to echo back his words from the other day. He winced. I removed his hands from me. “I don’t think so, Jon. I’d rather remember it how it was.”

  He sat back. All at once, he looked defeated. One emotion after another flew across his handsome face. I wanted to bury my head in his chest, have him hold me, love me. But if I did that, it would all start again, and I had to break this cycle, if it killed me.

  “I have to thank you as well.” He spoke softly, his gaze fixed on the table. “You were the one who figured out my nightmare, and knew I had to see the accident for myself. You’ve given me back my self-respect. You’ve done far more for me than I have for you. I just can’t believe it has to finish here; surely we could still have a future together? I’m not sure about the getting married and kids thing, but we could have an amazing life together, just the two of us.”

  I buried my head in my arms and wept, great shuddering sobs that ripped through my body. He tried to comfort me, but I pushed him away. After watching helplessly, he made me some coffee and waited for the torrent to subside.

  We sat there in silence for an age. When I looked up at the clock, it was almost midnight. Where had the day gone? Jon still sat beside me, watching my every move. I think he was waiting for me to give him some hope.

  With stiff, unwieldy fingers, I took the keys to the Jeep, and then shrugged on my fleece jacket. I was icy cold and shivering.

  He tensed. “Where are you going?”

  I looked back at him and tried to speak through the rattling of my teeth. I wanted him so much, I couldn’t stay here with him. “I’m going out. I need to get out of here, I can’t think straight. Don’t wait up.”

  His eyes pleaded with me. “Please, Anita, let me come with you. I don’t want you to be on your own.”

  There were a great many things I could have said, but I just shrugged. I really didn’t care anymore.

  23.2 Jon

  We lurched down the track in the dark. Anita was shivering so violently, she could barely hold the steering wheel. I’d no idea where we were going. I was terrified she’d do something stupid if I left her alone. Coming from someone who’d spent the last two days being incredibly stupid, I worried what she may be capable of. She rammed the heater onto maximum, and perspiration broke out across my forehead, but her teeth still chattered.

  She turned left onto the main road, headed through Trearddur and toward Valley. I couldn’t tell if she had a destination in mind or was just running on autopilot. Either way, the roads were deserted at that time of night. When we arrived at the crossroads near to Valley, she paused before deciding where to go. We took off left, heading up the winding country road that led along the top edge of the island. She drove slowly, it looked as though she was getting herself under control again, and she eventually turned down the heater. Every now and then, she wiped at her face. I couldn’t tell if she was wiping tears away or brushing her hair back. I scanned the road ahead, alert for any obstacles she may not notice.

  I’d done the same as this, many times. When I first found out about Susie
’s affairs, I went through a long process of doubting myself, and wanting to believe her. I’d take off and drive for hours, the movement of the car lulling me into a state of calm. I hoped it’d have the same effect on Anita. I’d never seen her angry before, she’d been startling—arresting—and absolutely powerful.

  I knew I hadn’t treated her fairly. I’d been making decisions for her, and not allowing her to participate as an equal.

  That was so visible with Jordan and Kate. You got the clear sense they were equals in the relationship, each offering strengths to compensate the other. I’d love to have that easy, confident relationship with my partner, and like them, to be so aware of each other’s needs. It crippled me to know I’d never get to have that with Anita. And it was only now that I realized she was everything I wanted, when she no longer wanted me. Hindsight was a bitch.

  I dragged my attention back when Anita turned off the main road and bumped down a narrow, winding lane. In the darkness, with only the headlamps to light the way in front, I’d no idea where we were, or what lay on either side of the road. It looked like hedges, but for all I knew we might be driving along a cliff edge. I sat very still and tried to stay calm.

  Another irony. Last night, or whenever it was—time had blurred from one day to the next for me—I wanted to die. But now I didn’t. Anita threw the car round a tight bend. It must have taken her by surprise for she took a sharp intake of breath as she hauled on the wheel. The wheels dipped and bounced as we scored through a low ditch and back onto the road, and I heard a scraping noise at the side.

  “Fuck,” she muttered to herself.

  I wondered if she’d forgotten I sat there.

  A couple of bends later and I saw the sea in front of us, silvery in the night where the headlamps flashed over it. I scanned the area. The bay swept around us in a huge arc, with a handful of houses and a cafe hugging the coastline. She pulled onto a ramp, and nosed the car into a parking space. We were the only vehicle there, the only people awake by the look of it. Sighing, she switched off the lights, turned off the engine, and we sat in total silence. She stared out of the window, her fingers rigid on the wheel.