"You look glum," Dr. Farbin started to say. "Is it because of Duffino?"
"Of course not."
"Come on, Charlotte." He sounded petulant. Deep inside I knew he felt ill. "Come sit with me and Greta," Dr. Farbin tugged lightly at my sleeve. "Greta's been telling me how brave you've been."
I saw Dr. Whitney approaching.
"Well, it's wonderful to see you upstairs again, Charlotte,"
he said.
"Charlotte did very well in Insulin," Greta spoke up, "and she's doing extremely well now."
"I see," Dr. Whitney replied.
I felt like laughing but managed to control it.
"And Duffino's doing well now, too," Dr. Whitney added "Has Charlotte heard the news?"
My mind became a jumble. "I heard it," I said.
"Remarkable progress. We felt it was fine to give her and Dr. Ethan a therapeutic day pass. Her pain has subsided."
And where was Duffino's pain now? Inside of me, buried in my bones.
I felt Greta's hand on my shoulder. "It would be a good idea for Charlotte to go back to her room and get some more sleep.
"I'm not sleepy," I answered. "I'm wide awake."
Dr. Whitney went on speaking, "Duffino and Dr. Ethan are working very well together these days."
"So I heard," I answered bluntly.
Dr. Farbin frowned.
"We are amazed at this progress. Delighted."
Greta took a step closer to me as he went on.
"Charlotte, you understand that while she is working with Dr. Ethan, we all feel it would be better if you and Duffino were not so close right now."
"Why?"
"The goal, of course, is to have Duffino speaking, and return her for trial as soon as possible."
"And what do you think I want for her?" I heard my voice rising.
"The best, naturally."
A sweat broke out on my face and neck. Greta spotted it and intervened.
"The first few days upstairs are always difficult, Dr. Whitney."
"I realize that. But I wanted to speak with Charlotte as soon
as possible. She has to understand that Duffino will not be returning to the room. She is being placed with a new roommate."
I felt the veins in my neck throbbing.
"In the best interest of all concerned."
I dug my nails deep into my palm, and maintained silence.
Let them plan what they want, I thought. Soon, I'll be gone.
"I want to go back to my room now and rest a little."
"This is not punishment - it's therapy," Dr. Farbin tried to intervene. He looked paler than usual and spoke in a subdued tone.
I turned my back and started walking fast. Greta came running up behind me.
"You need rest," Greta said kindly, as we opened the door.
"Maybe I do," I turned and closed the door right in her face.
Then I lied down and stared up at the ceiling, the way Duffino used to stare. Greta came in and stood at my bedside.
"Duffino's working hard with Dr. Ethan," she said. "Dr. Whitney doesn't want anything to interfere."
"I did not interfere."
"No, but mental illness can be contagious. We can pass our illusions back and forth. It's possible for one patient to keep the other from getting well."
"Ha."
"It isn't funny."
"And what about Dr. Whitney's illusions? Is he safe and sound inside his mind?"
"Go to sleep, Charlotte. Be at peace."
"It's all a lie, Greta, and you know it!"
"Sleep, Charlotte."
"I want to see Duffino, first."
"She'll be back later. You'll see her in the dayroom."
"NO."
"If you don't quiet down. . ."
"But I know something that no one realizes. . ."
"You've been through enough, haven't you? What good will it do to chase after this madness? Dr. Ethan is giving his all to Duffino. He said he believes in sacrifice. Self sacrifice. He believes the minute you sacrifice for another, that person becomes well. Just because he helps her doesn't mean she doesn't need you, too. You're her friend, Charlotte. She'll see you in the dayroom."
"No, she won't."
"Quiet down."
"Fine, fine," I yelled out. "I'll quiet down, sleep, lie on my bed and dream. And you, now that Dr. Ethan is gone, don't go try to love Dr. Farbin!"
Greta drew in her breath.
"You're really merciless, you know," she said, after a long moment.
"Yes. Maybe I am."
Chapter Eighteen
Greta left softly. I was glad she was gone. I needed time to realize what had happened, that Duffino had been taken from me. I needed time to ponder all details.
Duffino would not be coming back to the room. I wondered if she thought of me down in Insulin. Had she forgotten it was I who helped her, who took her miserable life into my hands?
I decided she had forgotten, and that's as it had to be. No one could get well if they remembered everything. The beginning of sanity was forgetting.
I couldn't forget anything, though. To shield the blow of Duffino's having been taken from me, I got out of bed, went
and got her shoe-boxes and took the rest of the papers out.
I couldn't wait for her to be with me when I read them. We might not be together anymore at all. I would read her writing aloud to myself and just pretend she was there, sitting besides me, listening to every single word. I would pretend my reading to her made a difference, that it helped her come back to life.
I took some papers, spread them in front of me, and in the dim light that came in from the window, started to read what
she'd written in a hushed tone.
"My life and Miguel's continued in the corners of the streets. Winter ended and spring passed. But it had been a spring of new life for me.
"I had grown more accustomed to the others and Nancy and I had grown to be friends. Miguel was happy about my new friendship. He was happy for anything that gave me pleasure. He had devoted himself to giving me pleasure - and also, of course, to his gang.
"The gang was quiet for most of the summer. Then one evening
at the end of July someone new appeared at the far corner. A
big girl with red hair. She wore big, silver earrings and a
tight, lavender skirt. She was ugly beyond all imagining.
"'Someone funny is hanging around,' I said to Miguel.
"He swung around from where he was standing and faced the far end of the street. 'Cookie,' he said. I felt the hate rise in him and then in me, too. It felt good to hate freely. Like ocean water, It washed me clean.
"Cookie walked towards us recklessly. 'Hello, Migy,' she said when she was close enough for us to hear her.
"'What do you want here, Cookie?' Miguel said.
"She smiled at him and I felt frightened. It was the smile of a dead person looking at her life. She shrugged listlessly.
"'Who knows what I want?' she said, real stupid.
"'You're here for a reason, Cookie,' Miguel said. 'Get it over with or get going. I've got no time for Frank Splaneto's girl.'
"'It's such a hot summer, Migy,' she answered. 'Things are too slow where we're hanging.'
"'So?'
"Cookie tossed her red head to the side and laughed loudly. It was horrible to watch her laugh. Her eyes grew narrow and her neck was thick.
"'You're too smart for Cookie,' she said finally, as Miguel and I just stared and stared. 'But I like you all the same. I've always liked you. You know that, Migy.' Then she just stared. A funny stare. A stare that made me want to vomit.
"Miguel was stone. 'So?' he repeated.
"'Frankie wants some fun.' She shifted her tone.
"'What kind of fun?' Miguel was still unmoved.
"'He wants a party. He wants to be friends. Give him a chance,Migy. He's got a present for you.'
"'A present, yeah? What kind of present?' Miguel answered, real sharp.<
br />
"'Me,' Cookie said.
"I grew cold.
"'I'll stay with you for awhile like we used to and your girl can go and make Frankie a new man. It'll be one hell of a summer,
Migy, won't it?'
"Miguel's face grew stiff with anger. 'Get out of here Cookie. Fast.'
"She looked surprised. 'What's the matter with you? This is an offer of friendship.'
"'Get moving.'
"'What's the matter?' Her voice was loud and rough like a
chainsaw. 'All of a sudden you're so fancy?' Her face was red, too. Cookie was insulted. 'Who are you to turn down Frank Splaneto? We've had plenty of good times before. You're not such a sweet boy. You're no stranger to me.'
"I grew colder and number.
"'Shut up, slut,' Miguel yelled.
"Cookie's eyes narrowed. 'What?'
"'Get moving. Nobody goes near Duffino.'
"Cookie's eyes drifted over to me. 'This,' she whispered, 'is your precious Duffino? She's so precious and I'm a slut? Frankie's not going to like that. Not one bit.'
"Miguel walked up in front of me. His body hid me, dissolved me. It took the cold wind from me.
"'Don't you even dare look at her,' he repeated. 'Get out of here and go back to Frankie. Tell him no thanks baby. Nobody goes near Duffino and lives.'
"Cookie backed away and shook her head. She walked a long way
backwards, looking at us with small, glinting eyes. 'Trouble's
coming,' she whispered as she rounded the corner.
"It happened simply, very simply. Everything that can't be stopped, happens simply, as if it could not have happened any other way. It made me believe in fate. It made me believe that events pile up in one direction, and could not happen any other way.
"It was a hot night in August. About two weeks since Cookie came. The nights had all been hot and airless and we were all hoping for rain. Everyone was hanging out on the steps, trying to get some air. Not just us, either. All the families on the blocks.
"Miguel and I were sitting close together and Nancy was stretched out one step below. She was whistling a song I always liked and I was listening to it. Suddenly, she stopped.
"'Keep whistling honey,' Carl said to her. 'It's a pretty good song.'
"'Carl,' she breathed quietly, and we all knew it had happened. We all felt it together, swooping down on us. We felt it in our blood, up our legs, through our spines. We all bristled together, like one body. Otherwise, nobody moved. Nobody turned their head to the corner. I knew Miguel was expecting this, too.
"'Keep whistling, Miguel commanded firmly and Nancy started whistling again.
I covered my face with my hands and started to tremble. Miguel put his arms around me. I felt the hardness in his arms. I felt his whole body, stiff and ready.
"'It's nothing,' he said. 'Only a little summer thunder.'
"I turned and saw them all coming down the block with Cookie in front, next to some big guy. Must be Frank Splaneto, I thought. He was very big. His gang was walking a few steps behind him. They could have been our gang, except for Cookie. Except for her tight, mean eyes.
"When they got to where Miguel was sitting, they stopped. Splaneto put his foot up on the step, next to Miguel.
"'Where can I find Miguel?' he said.
"Miguel pushed his leg up against Splaneto's. 'I've been waiting for you, Frank baby,' he said. He sounded ready, almost happy, like he and Frank were faithful brothers.
"'Oh yeah?' Frank wet his lips. 'Isn't that lovely?' He was too quiet, though. 'You insulted my girl, Miguel.'
"'Did I?' Miguel answered calmly. 'I don't remember.'
"'Now is that a nice thing to do?' Frank Splaneto continued,
licking his lips and staring at me, 'insult your best friend's
lady?'
"'Keep walking, Splaneto,' Miguel said softly.
"I had never been so frightened. They were both too silent, too sad with each other. I tried to move closer to Miguel. Frank
Splaneto's eyes bore through me.
"'Not bad,' he said slowly.
"Miguel got up and stepped in front of me then. 'Keep walking, Splaneto!' he said, his voice hardening.
"'I made you an offer Migy,' Frank said. 'And what kind of shit are you handing me?'
"'Nobody goes near Duffino,' Miguel said. His voice was like metal now, bouncing off glass.
"'Impossible,' Frank said nicely. 'We have an agreement. We belong to each other. Your girl belongs to me, too.' Then he smiled, smelling foul of garlic and beer.
"Miguel only spit in front of him. 'Keep walking Splaneto.'
"Frank stayed where he was. His dark eyes started shining. 'There's no way to avoid it,' he said, real funny.
"I saw in that second that they both lived for trouble, lived off disaster. In a flash Miguel spread his arms and legs apart and with a sharp flick of his hand pulled out a small jack knife from his pocket.
"Frank looked stunned for a split second. But he was ready.
'Well,' he breathed heavily.
"We all backed away, everyone of us, even some strangers passing by. Out of the corner of my eye I saw the families on the doorsteps go back into their houses.
"Frank pulled his own knife, and the silence widened. Windows opened upstairs and heads begin to appear in them.
"'I'm gonna screw her right here,' Frank yelled to the crowd.
"Miguel spit in his face and Frank raised his hand to wipe the spit away.
"Then in one second Miguel moved towards Splaneto. For just a split second, they stopped and stared at each other and then Miguel's body crashed into him, a moment too soon. A moment too late.
"Frank reeled out of balance, yanked out his knife, and lunged back up, throwing himself onto Miguel. Miguel spun and then the two of them fell down on the ground, the knife in Frank's hand dipping deep into Miguel.
"There was a long cry of pain. 'Frank,' Miguel yelled. He was
hurt in the stomach. Then he thrust his own knife into Splaneto's shoulder.
"Bound together with shock and pain, Frank stabbed Miguel in the throat. Then in the neck. An orgy of stabbing.
"Complete silence. I was the first to start screaming. 'Miguel,' I shrieked. I was filled with the strength that had left his body. 'Miguel!' I couldn't bear it. I spun and stared at Frank who was breathing heavily on the ground beside Miguel's body. Blood was pouring from Frank's shoulder, too.
"'You killed him,' I whispered.
"'I didn't mean to.'
"'You killed him!' I shouted more loudly.
"'Stop shouting,' Cookie screamed from the crowd of people who were gathering, gathering. . .The knife was lying in the blood and then something amazing happened - "
I couldn't read any further. The words had stopped coming, the papers had wrinkled. I sat there with the papers in my lap, and began to cry for Duffino. I sat there crying for a very long time. Where was she now? What was happening? Had she picked up the knife to kill Splaneto? I might never know.
Chapter Nineteen
By the time I finished reading, it was mid-afternoon. Bells for free hours chimed over the hills. I wouldn't be going to free ours today. Neither would Duffino. Very slowly, I gathered the papers together, stuffed them back into the shoe-box, wrapped it up in old clothes, and hid it all carefully under the bed.
Then I curled up on my thin mattress, and without hesitation, fell into a deep, fast, sleep. In my sleep I saw Duffino and Dr. Ethan together, walking hand in hand on the street. They were looking into shops, laughing together, young and carefree. I was jolted. What were they laughing at? Didn't they realize the sky was dark and heavy? A bitter rain was poised up there, ready to fall on all of us.
I awoke with a start, grabbed the thin, plaid blanket and pulled it tight up over me. I wanted to cry, but thought better of it. I knew I had to maintain pristine sanity. If I allowed myself to falter for even a moment, I could end up here, truly. Like the rest of them. I might never break free then.<
br />
I dug my nails into my palms to remind myself to be strong like the mountains that watched us, like the trees that grew hundreds of years old.
I got out of bed, climbed on the footstool and looked out the window. I had completely forgotten it was visiting day. I used to remember every visiting day and watch carefully to see who came, though no one ever came to visit me.
As I looked out, I could barely see some visitors starting the long climb up the hill. In good weather you could see the patients and their visitors drifting all over the lawn.
Duffino had not yet accepted a visitor. Once her family came up to see her, but she couldn't be persuaded to come out of bed. They finally left at eight in the evening, tired and dry-eyed.
All day long as they were waiting, I wanted to go out there and say, "Hello! I'm a part of your family, though you don't know me yet."
I didn't go. Like today, I watched them from a silent corner.
During the afternoon, Duffino's mother asked two people what she had done to hurt her daughter. No one had any idea.
Finally, Dr. Whitney came to see the mother in the dayroom.
"It's not exactly that you hurt her," he said gently. "Life is difficult under the best circumstances."
"Duffino would never listen to the church fathers," her mother rambled. "Maybe that's why she's suffering?"
"It's complicated."
"I prayed for the Saints to help her. They didn't."
"We can't always be certain how our prayers will turn out," Dr. Whitney spoke kindly to her.
Duffino's father agreed with Dr. Whitney, and her brother said nothing, just kept shaking his head. There was also a sister, who asked no questions, just looked curiously around the place to see where Duffino spent her days.
When eight o'clock came the entire family was glad to leave; except for the younger brother who burst into sudden, harsh tears.
A few months after that, Duffino's old uncle also came. When Duffino had to be institutionalized, her terrified mother wrote a letter to her brother, who had a small factory in California where he manufactured paper goods. She asked him for help and he wrote back the next morning that he would take care of everything.
"Send Duffino to the best place you can find," he penned quickly.
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